I need ADVICE! Badly!

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You know, he actually went through a form of anger management counseling, because I demanded it. He had the capability of snapping… Road rage etc. now days, he doesn’t have much pressure … So I haven’t seem it so much. He does get frustrated and cold/silent. But the intense anger I used to witness … Seems to be absent right now at least. But if I push anything… It will be there!
 
mega1 said:
You know, he actually went through a form of anger management counseling, because I demanded it. He had the capability of snapping… Road rage etc. now days, he doesn’t have much pressure … So I haven’t seem it so much. He does get frustrated and cold/silent. But the intense anger I used to witness … Seems to be absent right now at least. But if I push anything… It will be there!
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If the threat of anger is controlling you, the anger is still controlling you, whether he intends that or not. When you find yourself “walking on eggshells”, you may think you’re keeping the situation under control, but you are the one being controlled, being controlled by your fear of a bad scene. I cannot say whether or not the fear is justified or intended by your husband, only that you* seem to be describing *a fear that is dictating what you can and cannot do, rather than other factors that deserve to have precedence over the dictates of fear being your primary guides.
 
You are right. Ive been trying to communicate. But, Tonight has been a bust. He wanted to take md to a special dinner for our anniversary but I started talking… Which wasn’t good of course. I told him that I’m stressed about money and the bankruptcy. He is very upset. He Just keeps saying that his freelance work would be easier if I could call my friends and help him get meetings as opposed to him cold calling.

It hasn’t gone well. He is starting the cold treatment.
 
“He Just keeps saying that his freelance work would be easier if I could call my friends and help him get meetings as opposed to him cold calling.”

Yep, I expect it would be easier for him, if you did 75% of his work for him.

I don’t think he’s cut out for self-employment. That’s OK–very few people are.
 
Your marriage situation is painful to read about. Although many people have given you solid advice I don’t think that the answer to all of your problems will be found here. Perhaps you just needed to vent but I sincerely hope that you and your husband will figure out your many problems hopefully with some solid guidance from neutral sources. Your husband seems irresponsible and immature at best and a scoundrel at worst. Pray and protect yourself and your son.
 
Thank you for your supportive words and prayers.

Tonight was our big anniversary dinner and it turned into a fight. Not really on my end. He just kept asking me what was wrong. I told him the truth. I told him I felt like I was working too much and I was very scared of the financial situation. I gently reminded him that I was counting on that consulting contract that we ended up losing (because of him but I didn’t say that outloud).

He started pouting… Got cold. I kept saying what did Ido wrong? He kept saying that he was just acting that way because I was pointing out all of these issues and making him feel like he screwed up again. I said I never said that. He said it didn’t matter.
 
Sounds like he’s manipulating you again. You try to talk to him, so he “punishes” you. Personally, I think YOU should “go silent”! Just don’t talk to him, don’t answer him, and don’t explain (over & over) that you “didn’t mean that” , because of course you did whether you said it or not. Just don’t talk to him again for a couple of days, except essential conversation such as “I’ll be home at such & such time”. DON’T accept his calls at work – just say “is it an emergency with our son?” If not, HANG UP! You’re at work, and this is your time away from him and his manipulation. After a few days, try again to have an adult conversation. If he starts manipulating you again - shut up! Then go to Catholic Family Services, tell them the problems, and get some professional help! We are all sympathetic, but telling us about each bad day may relieve the stress of the moment, it will NOT solve the problems of your life. Only you can do that. Sorry, I know a lot (from hard experience) of what you’re going through, as I had a couple of people in my life who manipulated me for over 40 years! No more. Now I handle my own life, although I do ask for advice sometimes, which relieves my stress of the moment, and gives me direction, sometimes very good direction. However, the decisions have to be mine. Your decisions have to be YOURS! Now find a quiet place, get a good book, and ignore him tonight. (One thing you don’t need right now is to get pregnant again! - another trap waiting with the situation you’re already in!) Then go to Mass tomorrow morning and insist on a quiet and peaceful Sunday! By refusing to speak, you are refusing manipulation until he decides whether he is going to talk like a responsible adult or not. Praying daily for you. Don’t mean to be unkind, but I’ve been there & this is what I did, and it worked - eventually. By the way - YOU didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t apologize. You tried to have an adult conversation about current problems and he hit you over the head with guilt and pity party. Don’t let him keep doing that.

God be with you!
 
Yes, his response sounds manipulative and self-serving. Not “I’m sorry you’re having to carry so much of the load” but “I’m going to punish you for telling me that this situation frustrates you.”

Me, me, me, you’re going thru bankruptcy for us, but when you say you feel stress about our finances, it is still all about me.

He has screwed up. What does it say that he’s blaming you instead of apologizing?

But you know all this. I’m just really and truly sorry that you’re having to go through this. His willingness to twist things to make things your fault says: Get a good lawyer, and get both spiritual and legal advice without delay. Borrow from your parents or beg from your friends, but get prepared. The smoke looks very near. Don’t face it alone.
 
Thank you for the support. I did get pretty quiet for the rest of the evening. We just watched tv. And when we woke up… He’s back to normal, acting like nothing happened. This is the cycle. If I ignore him… It will be because “you think I’m not doing enough” “you don’t realize that you are pointing out things that make me feel like a failure”. “I could get more work if you call your contacts and get me meetings”.

So, in order to avoid hearing all those things again… I just ignore, and play with our son.

But once HE stops the silent trip… I tend to forgive and forget and allow the cycle to continue. Which is bad… Because I don’t end the behavior.
 
Hi Mega1, I read most of this thread but your problem is real clear from the beginning. This is not what marraige is supposed to be for sure and I think you know that. But you have certainly helped create this situation with your codependency and your compliance with emotional blackmail which only encourages the cycle. Probably because you don’t want to be like your Mom was, so you are blindly going ridiculously far in the other direction. (Standing up for yourself when you are truly being victimized IS appropriate.)

Have you not read on Codependency? Melody Beatties book is the classic. The man I love and want to marry has been long steeped in an unhappy codependency with his adult daughter and this and the other book I am to mention has helped him. He is getting counseling and has made some changes). The trouble with being steeped in a relationship like you and he are is that its hard to see what you do habitually to keep it going, but you really do play a role, and you do have control over that.

The other book that is really helping us both understand the situation is Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. Here it is on Amazon; you can read reviews: amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972 and I am sure you can get on on half.com for much less as I know money must be tight for you.

The emotional blackmail book is really helping my friend see how he participates in making his daughter into her worst, most manipulative self by not standing up to her. A huge problem with you is unwillingness to set boundaries with your husband. The book shows you how to do that. It also helps you see how very wrong the emotional blackmailing is, how it harms you and robs you of your integrity - the chapter on that was a real eye-opener for me - to help you see how you need to break this cycle. She gives you clear tips on ways to do it, like a stalling technique. She also helps you understnad why the blackmailer acts like he does, so you do feel come compassion for him, while actively stopping the manipulating. It is a real practical handbook for dealing with people close to you who try to emotionally blackmail you, and though its hard for YOU to change your ways (you need to!), you will be encouraged by others who found it just as hard as you do, but they did, for good results.

Trying to convince him things probably isn’t going to work as he is very self-centered. Changing how you respond to him is something you can do and it will change the situation.

Meanwhile he is no husband and no comfort to you. But Jesus can take up where others let us down. He is the husband to the husbandless. He will comfort you and He will strengthen you to do the right thing when you are sure what that right thing is. I do know there are wrong and right responses to your husband’s demands on you, and you are giving the wrong ones. See what you can do, and should do, and when you are convinced on that, Jesus will give you the strength to do what is right.
 
Thanks to all the support here. And since ive spilled my guts I’d like to say just a bit more. I know I have something wrong in my relationship DNA.

I don’t “like” talking to my husband. I get texts from him complaining about everything and anything all the time during the day. I roll my eye…take a deep breath. But I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He calls me a crazy name all the time and I kindly ask him NOT to call me that. He still does.

He treats me like a cash cow (as I’ve noted) and I do not want to be intimate with him.

But here’s the thing? Im not ANGRY enough to drop divorce papers on him tomorrow. I @know@ that he’s more than deserving, but I start to fall for his back rubs and kind play with our son.

Why is it that I can’t easily file divorce? I truly feel that I’d struggle even if he knocked me out. Is it the codependency? I am hurting myself by staying in this but somehow… I overlook some awful things.
 
“I don’t “like” talking to my husband. I get texts from him complaining about everything and anything all the time during the day. I roll my eye…take a deep breath. But I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”

It’s good that he wants to talk to you, but it’s bad that for him, talking means whining about everything. I understand PERFECTLY how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. Remember, since you’re at work and he isn’t, you’re probably his only reliable social outlet. I think I’d be tempted to text back, “Honey, tell me three good things that happened today.” Be responsive to those and give him a minimal response to his whining. I suspect that you guys have this thing going where mommy (that’s you) sweeps in every time there’s a crisis, which means that crises happen every freaking day on the hour.

Here’s another book for your reading list: Don’t Shoot the Dog: The New Art of Teaching and Training. It’s about positive reinforcement.

“He calls me a crazy name all the time and I kindly ask him NOT to call me that. He still does.”

Don’t answer to it and don’t do anything for him when he uses it (unless he says something like “AAAAARGH Sugar *****, I’m on fire. Help!”).

“But here’s the thing? Im not ANGRY enough to drop divorce papers on him tomorrow. I @know@ that he’s more than deserving, but I start to fall for his back rubs and kind play with our son.”

You shouldn’t be wanting to drop divorce papers on him. But you should stand up for yourself and you should be proactive, rather than reactive. There are half a dozen things you need to try before thinking of divorce (but probably the first one is to see a divorce lawyer).
 
Also, it’s not about being angry, it’s about doing the right thing for you and your son. What you’ve been describing is an emotional hazardous waste dump–it’s a heck of a place to be raising a kid in. If you can clean it up, great. But if you can’t clean it up, you can’t continue raising your son in this environment. You’ve already described how harmful your parents’ dysfunctional relationship was to you.

There’s also the issue of your husband and whether he is responsible enough to be trusted with being the primary care-giver for your son. Would you hire a sitter with his track record?
 
I must say I completely agree with this and I wonder what it is that I’m lacking (strength) to self preserve and walk away when this is so emotionally unhealthy.

Today he was all better from his cold shoulder last night… Demanding that he rub my back and give me a massage and telling me how much he loves me. And I believe he does love me.

But you see how it’s that cycle? And somehow I know if/when I go to the divorce attorney I’m going to feel like I’m a high maintence pain in the as@ who is overly sensitive. I always blame myself for wanting more…
 
mega1 said:
I must say I completely agree with this and I wonder what it is that I’m lacking (strength) to self preserve and walk away when this is so emotionally unhealthy.

Today he was all better from his cold shoulder last night… Demanding that he rub my back and give me a massage and telling me how much he loves me. And I believe he does love me.

But you see how it’s that cycle? And somehow I know if/when I go to the divorce attorney I’m going to feel like I’m a high maintence pain in the as@ who is overly sensitive. I always blame myself for wanting more…
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Where are you in your prayer life? Are you participating in the sacraments?

The devil wants your marriage to fail and he’s not above whispering your ear" look how weak you are to put up with this.".

Your husband is clearly not the provider you imagined but you also mentioned he takes care of the house and dinner, etc.

If you give in to the worldly desire of divorcing and thereby not having to “deal with him,” you will come home to your empty house (after you pick your son up from babysitter) with no dinner made and no laundry done and at the end of the day there will be no husband/provider there for you either.

This thread has been preposterously negative and not particularly charitable to you and I’m sorry.

So since you came to a Catholic forum for advice on your marriage I think it is reasonable to tell you to pray for yourself, pray for your spouse, pray for your family. Pray that God gives you the strength to carry on. Pray the serenity prayer. Ask for intercessions of the saints. (stPIo) put yourself in the presence of the blessed sacrament.

I will pray for you.
 
mega1 said:
Thanks to all the support here. And since ive spilled my guts I’d like to say just a bit more. I know I have something wrong in my relationship DNA.

I don’t “like” talking to my husband. I get texts from him complaining about everything and anything all the time during the day. I roll my eye…take a deep breath. But I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He calls me a crazy name all the time and I kindly ask him NOT to call me that. He still does.

He treats me like a cash cow (as I’ve noted) and I do not want to be intimate with him.

But here’s the thing? Im not ANGRY enough to drop divorce papers on him tomorrow. I @know@ that he’s more than deserving, but I start to fall for his back rubs and kind play with our son.

Why is it that I can’t easily file divorce? I truly feel that I’d struggle even if he knocked me out. Is it the codependency? I am hurting myself by staying in this but somehow… I overlook some awful things.
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He has been messing with your sense of reality for years. You are not the problem. Unless you have some reasonable hope he’ll ever change, give yourself permission to make your plan to let go before one more day of this goes by.
 
I’m not pushing you to divorce. I mean to discourage you from beating yourself up when he behaves badly. Don’t boycott yourself if he gives you all sizzle and no steak, all glamour and no substance, or all the blame for his misbehavior. If he behaves badly, don’t take your frustrations out on yourself! Hold HIS feet to the fire and give yourself the support, for a change. Plan for your future, not just the pie in the sky he’s selling, and when you do that congratulate yourself instead of beating on yourself the way he does.

You’ve been the scapegoat long enough. Either he helps row or you steer the boat, and make no apologies for it. You don’t need to get angry. Just give yourself leave to do the right thing, in spite of pity-grabbing scenes designed to herd you the other way.
 
Well it’s our anniversary today. I had to be the first one to say something. :(. He’s back to being pleasant and offering to rub my shoulders etc… But I can still sense he is upset with me.

So I’m also feeling uncomfortable about intimacy. He won’t initiate because he never does (saying he feels like a bother) so I feel like I have to…

Ugh. Am I a terrible wife if I don’t? We haven’t been intimate In a long time.
 
“Am I a terrible wife if I don’t? We haven’t been intimate In a long time.”

You don’t have to if he doesn’t ask, and you don’t have to if he asks. The last thing you need is to get pregnant right now.
 
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