I am sure you are very good and very true. I don’t doubt it a bit! But I have seen too many good, helpful, loving, faithful spouses left by their spouse for an affair. Its a pattern that is common! Particularly women who have “everything” – a nice faithful, true, loving spouse and financial security (whatever that means to them). Now that they have everything, they know something is still missing. They seem to want something more, that elusive romance, that love-of-their-life that will bring the ultimate romantic fulfillment. This will be everything that life is that their heart tells them they need. But it is really God their hearts yearn for. However these women, even if they know God, are not looking to God for fulfillment. They think its somewhere else, its something worldly and tangible they need. And this is what our society so encourages! Unless she is militantly counter-cultural and watches what she reads and what movies and shows she watches, she is being fed a constant blaring message that an affair, or the perfect romantic match, will fulfill all her inner longings.
What I have observed is that often the one who leaves a good marraige for an affair, I ahve seen, tends to be sort of “controlling” in some respect, in the marital relationship. And the left-spouse is often an accommodating person in the marriage. She might work fulltime or stay home, but even so she takes charge in some real way (not saying that’s wrong). I noticed your wife pays all the bills, and you had no idea what was in the bills. I am just noting that paying all the bills is having control over a big component of the marriage.
It seems to happen very often when your children are no longer really needing Mom all the time. My brother’s wife left when she engaged in an emotional affair, encouraged by her counselor to try a “trial separation”; she got her own apartment quite some miles across town from her husband and kids. Their two kids were in college, and the youngest was finishing high school but was very independent and responsible with many friends and involved in extra-curricular . During the separation, my brother was reading a book on marraige recommended by his wife (neither of the two were at all religious) and traveling to the next city for "marriage counseling"where a counselor followed the book’s principles. Never saw my brother read a relationship book, but he had this desperate shell-shocked look in his eyes and he was willing to do ANYTHING to save this marraige.
I got a different vibe from her altogether. I said to my brother, “What if she is going to counseling to have the counselor help her explain to you why she has to leave, instead of to save the marraige?”. He got angry with me. This was NOT a possibility he was willing to consider! Yes, Denial can be much greater and stronger than any river in Africa. And that was her goal in counseling that he was going to great trouble to get to and putting so much vigorous heart and hope in, for an entirely different reason.
These stories end in divorce at least half of the time. Mine ended in divorce. My husbands affair was with a married woman who had everything, financial security, a nice home she loved (a big old Victorian her husband had slaved over the years for her, making it just right for his family - he was a very dedicated husband and father, the kind no one would ever want to leave) and her kids were approaching college age. (these two marrieds hooked up at a high school reunion). My husband was a different story, it was not a convenient time in our marriage, but he has a serious disorder called Narcissism, and this type, among other things does a great job morphing into any role they feel called into. In this case, the role she wanted from him was for him to be her Romantic Dream Lover, a role that got me so many years ago (and I was looking for that. Its the foolish dream of many women!). Of course the dream ended the day after we married. I know that’s not your story though. Though you remind me of his lover’s husband.
I remember meeting a homeschool Mom, who lived in a nice house with several kids* (I envied this; I was fortunate to get one out of my husband; I would have loved a houseful!) *and she fully supported by her uncomplaining husband *(wow! they have these?!) *and her husband let her run the house and do everything just how she wanted. She chose all the curriculum and he supported her every idea. It was such a contrast to me, always being questioned and having to justify my existence and my every action and choice day to day. How could she not be happy? Well, she had no complaint about her husband, but, she was seeing a therapist, and was falling for him. This was shocking, but she went on and on about her feelings, as if this was all that mattered. The good news is I saw her some months later and she seemed to be leaving la-la-land; her therapist realized the non-professionalism of the relationship and had backed off, and she was re-appreciating the fine man her husband was. So sometimes these things do spend themselves. I certainly hope it does in your case.
But you said you wanted the full truth. I think you should stick with that, and ask the Lord for strength to know it when you see it. Ask Him to show you what is true in this situation. And be wise! How protected are your assets?? Oh. You probably don’t know. Your wife does all the bills. You really should seek wise counsel. You cannot go wrong with Gregory Popcak’s counseling. Find it online; I think the first call for advice is free.
