I think I am bi

[typical_teen]

wow. just typing that title made me feel depressed…

I am 15 and a male.

I have looked at porn a lot; guys and girls. I have also been masturbating a lot. I have been trying to give both up, but it is very difficult.

I find myself looking at other men, and lusting over them. I have had girlfriend’s in the past. And I find women to be sexy, so I know that I am not 100% gay. But I still find men attractive too.

Last time I went to confession I asked the priest if he had any advice for me, but he was no help at all. I asked him if he had any tips on how to stop masturbating. He said no, in an almost insulting way. I thought priests wanted to help you.

My mother is very religous. I kinda think that she suspects that I am gay/bi. Most of my friends are girls. I hang out with a lot of girls. I hate sports and most of the things other guys like. I don’t really connect with regular guys. The gay men that I have met or seen have been the most like me.

How do I deal with these uncontrolable urges?

 

[kell0618]

Hello!

I am sure that you will get some good advice here (there are many, many posts here by and for people who struggle with such things). Just a few notes for you:

wow. just typing that title made me feel depressed…

I am 15 and a male.

I have looked at porn a lot; guys and girls. I have also been masturbating a lot. I have been trying to give both up, but it is very difficult. Many people who are straight respond physically to the visual stimuli of nude people irregardless of their sex. Get rid of the porn. If you do so on your computer, perhaps you should filter it to help you think twice before doing so.

I find myself looking at other men, and lusting over them. I have had girlfriend’s in the past. And I find women to be sexy, so I know that I am not 100% gay. But I still find men attractive too.

Last time I went to confession I asked the priest if he had any advice for me, but he was no help at all. I asked him if he had any tips on how to stop masturbating. He said no, in an almost insulting way. I thought priests wanted to help you. They do want to help you. The man you speak of obviously is not gifted in dealing with such issues.

My mother is very religous. I kinda think that she suspects that I am gay/bi. Most of my friends are girls. I hang out with a lot of girls. My husband hung out with mostly girls himself, and I assure you that he is not gay. I hate sports and most of the things other guys like. Sports and other things guys are usually into are not for all men. “Male bonding” does not make the man. I don’t really connect with regular guys. The gay men that I have met or seen have been the most like me. You’re probably a pretty likable guy.

How do I deal with these uncontrolable urges?

First and foremost: get rid of the bad habits of pornography and sexual self-gratification. NOW. Here is a site with some tips you can use. Pure Love Club. Be sure to check out ALL of their Q & A topics. Here is a great thread with sources for combating pornography and more.

I’ll pray for you tonight. God bless you.

Kelly

 

[strngrnrth]

There are two issues here: attraction to men an identification with girls. You need to address them separately. Attraction to men is part of your young brain’s attempt to work your new hormones into its system of responses. Break the habit by considering porn poison. That’s what it is. I don’t know what to say about masturbation, but find a way to stop. A man may post an answer to that.
As to identifying with girls, that is probably because of a conflict with the main men in your life. You need a male role model who is trustworthy and kind as well as straight. Is your mother someone you can talk to about this? You are at an age where you will find it harder and harder to change as you go along. Don’t worry about not liking sports. You can be a real man and be a scientist, artist, even homemaker. Not all the real men are athletes.
Hope you get through this soon.

 

[Goth_Catholic]

Pray.

I’m a girl and was/is in similar situation. It’s alright feel some attraction toward the opposite sex, I think everyone does at some point. It’s just part of “growing up”. While i don’t “lust” for women, I was curious for a while. Now i’m pretty sure that’s all it was. It’s probably the same for you. It gets better when you get older, I was just like you when i was 15. Belive me I know what your going through, I went through the exact same thing. I was so ashamed, but it’s gotten better since I’ve turned 16. I have a very powerful fetish, and I lust over the fetish more then anything else most days, but I’ve been porn free for 5 months and masterbation free for 2 months.

For me, what helped to stop masterbating was to count the days in between. Like quiting smoking sorta of. If you go two days in between aim for five the next time. Just take it one day at a time. The guilt sucks, i know.

Dude, just because you hang out with girls and hate sports doesn’t make you bi. Trust me, I hated doing girly girl stuff when i was younger. I was a tomboy to the core, I was a loner, cut my hair short and wore guys clothes. But I grew outta that too. Now I’m not exactly a “girly girl” but I do wear makeup and skirts and love to shop. I don’t connect with most people. it’s all okay and it doesn’t define your sexuality by any means. Get involved with what you do like to do and stick with that. I’m sure you’ll eventually meet totally straight guys that share your interests.

 

[typical_teen]

Thank you everyone who has replied to my thread so quickly.

I have told myself that I will not deside if I am gay until I am older. I know that hormones are crazy at my age.

I am going to keep track of how long I have gone without porn or masturbating.

Thank you for all of your prayers.

 

[Catholig]

Typical Teen,

Masturbating to pictures of women to assure yourself that your aren’t gay is - horrible. I’m not condemning you or yelling at you - just don’t feel that you have to lust and devalue yourself for some assurance that you’re straight.

Just try really hard to be chaste - go to Mass whenever possible, and pray the rosary daily or more often (sadly I only do it daily).

Also if you’re Catholic go to confession ASAP - it is possible that you are in a state of mortal sin (I don’t know your concious), but at the very least acknowledge that they are inherently wrong in the eyes of god to god’s representative on earth (the priest).

Catholig

 

[typical_teen]

I know that God is trying to change me.

I just got back on sunday night from a retreat. I learned so much there and I got so much closer to God. The speaker for the men’s session talked about how he was addicted to porn, and then eventualy gave it up. I feel like God sent that speaker to the retreat for me.

On Monday at youth group Father said that he is going to be offering confession EVERY Monday after youth group. I was so glad when I heard that. It is embarressing to ask my mom to take me to confession all the time. And we only go like 3 times a year in school. Now I will be able to go every week!

I just joined my youth group, and already I have met a lot of great people. I have a lot of older teens that I can look up too.

 

[Jart]

I know that God is trying to change me.

I just got back on sunday night from a retreat. I learned so much there and I got so much closer to God. The speaker for the men’s session talked about how he was addicted to porn, and then eventualy gave it up. I feel like God sent that speaker to the retreat for me.

On Monday at youth group Father said that he is going to be offering confession EVERY Monday after youth group. I was so glad when I heard that. It is embarressing to ask my mom to take me to confession all the time. And we only go like 3 times a year in school. Now I will be able to go every week!

Confession is going to be a very powerful weapon in breaking your habits! I struggle with something similar to yours. I am 18 and I am almost out of the mindset that everything is about sex. When I was addicted to porn I could look at men or women and I thought I was gay. I could never see myself doing anything with a man or ever “dating” one. I see myself with a woman in the future (If I don’t become a priest). I quit for 4 months and a few weeks ago got into the habit again. But I stopped once more with frequent prayer and confession. Go to confession as soon as possible when you stumble. Don’t give up you will overcome this. I am not fully over the whole masturbation deal because that is a harder habit to stop. I’ve gotten better though.
Remember daily prayer and the sacraments especially confession are your best weapons in this fight. Use them. You are in my prayers!

 

[Jart]

I forgot to mention fasting! Trust me it works!

 

[typical_teen]

I forgot to mention fasting! Trust me it works!

I am a very skinny, hypoglycemic, vegaterian who doesn’t eat enough. So fasting would not be great for me.

But thanks for the rest of your help. I am glad to see that there are other teens that have faced/are facing the same problems I have.

 

[Boscomax]

Dear typical_teen,
Greetings in the Lord. I have just the Saint for you: St. Dominic Savio. He is the patron Saint of teenage boys!
He has been my model since my teen years. I have even written a little book about his spirituality that you can access for free at:

boscomax.ms11.net/savio

I hope you will find his life inspiring. If you get a chance to look at it I’d like to know what you think. You will be in my prayers at daily Mass and Rosary.

Your friend in Jesus and Mary,
Boscomax
Salesians of St. John Bosco

 

[PaxCaritas]

Typical Teen,

You are in my prayers! I found myself in a very similar situation when I was about your age. I began to come to terms with the fact that I was gay and was so confused. I ended up spending some time in seminary and grew much closer to the Lord. Based on my own experience, the advice I would give you (besides ditching the porn, obviously) is:

1. Accept. If you do end up being bisexual or homosexual, you need to accept yourself for who you are. Despite what some extreme groups tell you, homosexuality is not a mental disorder and it is not changeable - it is simply an orientation that a minority of people have for several different reasons, none of which are fully understood. You will never grow as a Christian if you don’t first accept the cross you have been given.
2. Choose the Lord. I know that homosexuality can be tempting, but God warns us against it because it is ultimately destructive, not because he likes to torture homosexuals. The truth is that all homosexual acts are built around lust, even if there is an authentic love between the two people who engage in them - nothing but sexual gratification can ever come from them.
3. Live out your vocation. The Catechism says that homosexual Christians are called, like all Christians, to strive for perfection. God doesn’t make mountains too big to climb. Homosexuals have two special things to offer the Church - their sufferings and their time. Volunteer, emerge yourself in a rewarding career, do missionary work. The possibilities are wide open. The worst thing you can do is to go out and burry the talents the Lord has given you out of fear.

Pax, dear brother!

 

[Jart]

I am a very skinny, hypoglycemic, vegaterian who doesn’t eat enough. So fasting would not be great for me.

But thanks for the rest of your help. I am glad to see that there are other teens that have faced/are facing the same problems I have.

You don’t need to fast on food. Give up something else. Be strong and trust that the Lord will help you through this.

 

[setter]

Typical Teen,

You are in my prayers! I found myself in a very similar situation when I was about your age. I began to come to terms with the fact that I was gay and was so confused. I ended up spending some time in seminary and grew much closer to the Lord. Based on my own experience, the advice I would give you (besides ditching the porn, obviously) is:

1. Accept. If you do end up being bisexual or homosexual, you need to accept yourself for who you are. Despite what some extreme groups tell you, homosexuality is not a mental disorder and it is not changeable - it is simply an orientation that a minority of people have for several different reasons, none of which are fully understood. You will never grow as a Christian if you don’t first accept the cross you have been given.

Homosexual desire is intrinsically disordered. A post-pubescent primary same sex attraction is a symptom of an underlying psychological (psychosexual) disorder for the obvious reason that SSA is disordered and sources from our psyche. God never created anyone with homosexual attraction, but such an affliction can occur through a blend of biological and social conditioning exposures.

 

[PaxCaritas]

Homosexual desire is intrinsically disordered. A post-pubescent primary same sex attraction is a symptom of an underlying psychological (psychosexual) disorder for the obvious reason that SSA is disordered and sources from our psyche. God never created anyone with homosexual attraction, but such an affliction can occur through a blend of biological and social conditioning exposures.

It’s just important to remember that intrinsically disordered is a philosophical term, meaning that nothing good can come from acting on a homosexual orientation. It is not meant to be a judgment on a whether or not homosexuality is a psychological disorder. Masturbation could also be said to be intrinsically disordered, but no one would say someone who masturbates has a psychological disorder. Every single repeatable psychological, counseling, and medical association will tell you that homosexuality is not a mental disorder and attempts to “change” one’s orientation are often destructive. That is why it is important to simply accept your cross rather than live in denial. I agree that God doesn’t make people homosexual, but I doubt that God makes people heterosexual either. I don’t think anyone is born with a sexual orientation, it is something that develops over time. Regardless, homosexuals are called to chastity, just like every other Christian.

 

[1ke]

Masturbation could also be said to be intrinsically disordered, but no one would say someone who masturbates has a psychological disorder.

No one? Really? Only in today’s current culture where the disordered is accepted as normal. All sexual disorders are a disconnect between us and the way God created us and our sexuality. These disconnects are in our psyche. Therefore, yes, they are psychologically disordered.

Every single repeatable psychological, counseling, and medical association will tell you that homosexuality is not a mental disorder and attempts to “change” one’s orientation are often destructive.

Only since the early 1970s, when the gay lobby and activists who wanted to normalize their perversion *pressured *them to change their historical stance on the issue.

That is why it is important to simply accept your cross rather than live in denial.

Yes, it is important to accept one’s cross-- but the very real changes some people make in their lives are not denial but progress.

I agree that God doesn’t make people homosexual, but I doubt that God makes people heterosexual either.

Please re-read Genesis. God created us male and female and ordered our sexuality to the generation of new life through sexual union. That, my friend, is God creating heterosexuality.

I don’t think anyone is born with a sexual orientation, it is something that develops over time.

The defects in our sexuality develop over time.

Regardless, homosexuals are called to chastity, just like every other Christian.

Yes, all people are called to chastity.

 

[true_believer]

Typical Teen,

I would just have to say that praying the rosary daily may really help you in your struggles to be pure and chaste. After all, Mary is one of the best examples of living a chaste life.

I also thought the idea of counting the days that you are chaste, like many recovering alcoholics or those who are quitting smoking count the days that they have been sober / not smoked, was a great idea that may prove very effective.

The last advice I have is to go to confession often, and to never forget that God loves you, and he is waiting for you to accept his love and forgiveness.

 

[PaxCaritas]

No one? Really? Only in today’s current culture where the disordered is accepted as normal. All sexual disorders are a disconnect between us and the way God created us and our sexuality. These disconnects are in our psyche. Therefore, yes, they are psychologically disordered.

I’m not denying that the act is wrong or disordered, but would you really say that people who masturbate have a mental disorder? That’s fine if you would, but I think you are using the words “mental disorder” a little too liberally.

Yes, it is important to accept one’s cross-- but the very real changes some people make in their lives are not denial but progress.

There has not been a single peer-reviewed study that proves homosexual people can change their orientation. In fact, if you would like a could give you a long list of people who claimed to have changed their orientation and then ended up reverting to a homosexual lifestyle. I don’t think these people are lying, I just think they have convinced themselves they have changed when no change has actually occurred. It’s kind of like how people who take placebos for hair loss drugs think they are starting to regrow their hair! I’ve been in the same situation and I too believed that I was begining to develop my heterosexuality, which, of course, turned out to be in my head.

Please re-read Genesis. God created us male and female and ordered our sexuality to the generation of new life through sexual union. That, my friend, is God creating heterosexuality.

I think you misunderstood what I meant here. I didn’t mean that God didn’t create heterosexuality and I didn’t deny that God has orientated humanity toward heterosexuality. I simply meant that no baby is born a heterosexual, just as no baby is born a homosexual. Any order or disorder follows as a child matures into puberty.

As a side note:

I wish people in the Church would be more careful about how they word things. Speak the truth always, but speak it with love. It was the idea that I was some flaw in God’s plan, some kind of mistake, that briefly drove me away from the Church. Homosexuals are not dangerous people, we shouldn’t be so afraid of them. It seems that some people believe that if you don’t hate who you are, you are trying to infiltrate the Church with homosexual propaganda. Truth in charity is the only thing that will win people over.

 

[KCT]

On Monday at youth group Father said that he is going to be offering confession EVERY Monday after youth group. I was so glad when I heard that. It is embarressing to ask my mom to take me to confession all the time. And we only go like 3 times a year in school. Now I will be able to go every week!

This is the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship w/ Christ. I will pray that you go. —KCT

 

[fix]

I’m not denying that the act is wrong or disordered, but would you really say that people who masturbate have a mental disorder? That’s fine if you would, but I think you are using the words “mental disorder” a little too liberally.

Chronic masturbation may be part of a deeper mental problem. Why is it so absurd to grasp some times disordered acts may be associated with impaired mental health?

There has not been a single peer-reviewed study that proves homosexual people can change their orientation. In fact, if you would like a could give you a long list of people who claimed to have changed their orientation and then ended up reverting to a homosexual lifestyle. I don’t think these people are lying, I just think they have convinced themselves they have changed when no change has actually occurred. It’s kind of like how people who take placebos for hair loss drugs think they are starting to regrow their hair! I’ve been in the same situation and I too believed that I was begining to develop my heterosexuality, which, of course, turned out to be in my head.

Your understanding of the issue certainly can be refuted. I think the other poster was not referring specifically to so called reparative therapy but to the idea one needs to accept they are homosexual and that is “natural”.

It was the idea that I was some flaw in God’s plan, some kind of mistake, that briefly drove me away from the Church. Homosexuals are not dangerous people, we shouldn’t be so afraid of them. It seems that some people believe that if you don’t hate who you are, you are trying to infiltrate the Church with homosexual propaganda. Truth in charity is the only thing that will win people over.

Same sex attraction was ordained by God? If it is objectively disordered, not ordered to the good, then such an inclination is not willed by God, is it?

Is any disordered inclination willed by God?