I want to leave the Church because God won't help me find a spouse

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I am writing this because I am at my wit’s end. I told God and our Blessed Mother tonight that I don’t want them to be in my life anymore. The pain God has caused me has just been too great and it feels like there is no way for me to possibly love Him now.

I am a 27 year old Catholic male convert and I have greatly desired for many years now to find a suitable Catholic wife. This process has been very painful and I have gone through more failed dates and disastrous relationships than I can count since I converted about 4 years ago. I have prayed countless Novena’s (many of them were known to “never” fail). I have received what I thought were several signs that I would one day find a wife, but I am so angry right now at God that I honestly feel that these signs were probably lies.

I have tried “letting God find a spouse for me” and I even stopped actively looking for a woman for an entire year to let God work in my life. The consequences were terrible: I became rigid and completely unsuitable for marriage which led me to become bitter towards God. I eventually realized that God wasn’t going to find a spouse for me and that I would have to put in a real effort.

Since then I have gone on countless dates that have all turned out horribly. Except for one which resulted in a 4 month relationship which was possibly the worst experience of my life. All this time I have been praying patiently. I have given up asking for a wife and I have even asked God to take away my desire for marriage… This desire for marriage is the bane of my existence… Every time I see an attractive woman I feel a strong sexual and emotional desire for a marriage partner so marriage is not something that I can “just get out of my head.”

I am fed up. I feel that God either doesn’t care or is taking pleasure in my suffering. I know that this is blasphemy and I know that I am probably going to hell for it, but I just can’t fathom loving a God who has completely ignored my requests and not even eased my suffering. This issue may not be important to God but it is important to me and I can’t just offer it up and leave it up to His Will because it keeps coming back.

I am writing this because I need help. When I go to the confessions the priests say that I need to “die to my myself” the way Jesus died on the cross. These words have not helped me. I cannot die to my desire for marriage because it won’t go away. God also won’t give me a wife and He appears to actively be sending me unsuitable marriage candidates who cause me even more pain. I don’t know how to escape from this prison. Leaving the faith seems like a decent option now (it was much easier to find women before I converted). That said, I do not want to leave the faith and so I am begging for your help. I don’t know what to do.

Thank you.
 
  1. Desperation is not attractive. Neither is being obsessed with the idea of marriage. The more you fixate on finding a spouse instead of just having fun dating people, the worse your prospects are going to get.
  2. Lots of people don’t get married in their 20s. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28 (a whole year older than you). Like the song says, “you can’t hurry love … you just have to wait.”
  3. With all respect to God, prayer probably isn’t the answer here. I would take a hard look at your life and see what you can do to a) make yourself happier while single and b) make yourself a better catch in the process. Are you exercising? Are you employed? Do you have hobbies? Do you go out and socialize with friends?
If I were you, I would ask my female friends for some honest constructive criticism on why they think you’re having trouble in this area. In the meantime, try to enjoy single life. You’ll miss it a bit once it’s gone 😉
 
QuasiCatholic said:
  1. Desperation is not attractive. Neither is being obsessed with the idea of marriage. The more you fixate on finding a spouse instead of just having fun dating people, the worse your prospects are going to get.
  2. Lots of people don’t get married in their 20s. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28 (a whole year older than you). Like the song says, “you can’t hurry love … you just have to wait.”
  3. With all respect to God, prayer probably isn’t the answer here. I would take a hard look at your life and see what you can do to a) make yourself happier while single and b) make yourself a better catch in the process. Are you exercising? Are you employed? Do you have hobbies? Do you go out and socialize with friends?
If I were you, I would ask my female friends for some honest constructive criticism on why they think you’re having trouble in this area. In the meantime, try to enjoy single life. You’ll miss it a bit once it’s gone 😉
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Yes.
 
JustALurker said:
I am writing this because I am at my wit’s end. I told God and our Blessed Mother tonight that I don’t want them to be in my life anymore. The pain God has caused me has just been too great and it feels like there is no way for me to possibly love Him now.

I am a 27 year old Catholic male convert and I have greatly desired for many years now to find a suitable Catholic wife. This process has been very painful and I have gone through more failed dates and disastrous relationships than I can count since I converted about 4 years ago. I have prayed countless Novena’s (many of them were known to “never” fail). I have received what I thought were several signs that I would one day find a wife, but I am so angry right now at God that I honestly feel that these signs were probably lies.

I have tried “letting God find a spouse for me” and I even stopped actively looking for a woman for an entire year to let God work in my life. The consequences were terrible: I became rigid and completely unsuitable for marriage which led me to become bitter towards God. I eventually realized that God wasn’t going to find a spouse for me and that I would have to put in a real effort.

Since then I have gone on countless dates that have all turned out horribly. Except for one which resulted in a 4 month relationship which was possibly the worst experience of my life. All this time I have been praying patiently. I have given up asking for a wife and I have even asked God to take away my desire for marriage… This desire for marriage is the bane of my existence… Every time I see an attractive woman I feel a strong sexual and emotional desire for a marriage partner so marriage is not something that I can “just get out of my head.”

I am fed up. I feel that God either doesn’t care or is taking pleasure in my suffering. I know that this is blasphemy and I know that I am probably going to hell for it, but I just can’t fathom loving a God who has completely ignored my requests and not even eased my suffering. This issue may not be important to God but it is important to me and I can’t just offer it up and leave it up to His Will because it keeps coming back.

I am writing this because I need help. When I go to the confessions the priests say that I need to “die to my myself” the way Jesus died on the cross. These words have not helped me. I cannot die to my desire for marriage because it won’t go away. God also won’t give me a wife and He appears to actively be sending me unsuitable marriage candidates who cause me even more pain. I don’t know how to escape from this prison. Leaving the faith seems like a decent option now (it was much easier to find women before I converted). That said, I do not want to leave the faith and so I am begging for your help. I don’t know what to do.

Thank you.
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A few thoughts.
  1. The average age of first marriage for men in the US is 29, so you are giving up too early.
  2. Therapy?
  3. From what you say, it sounds like there was only one real, actual relationship in the four years. You don’t have to answer this, but what happened with the 4-month relationship?
  4. Do you think you are capable at this point of being a good husband and father?
  5. New confessor?
  6. You are the one choosing these “unsuitable marriage candidates.” You need to reconsider your selection process, maybe with the help of a therapist.
  7. Do you have female friends that you aren’t romantically interested in? If not, that’s a good goal.
 
Sorry you feel that way. You know, I think everyone has gotten mad at God for some reason at least one time in their life. I think that is normal. I completely sympathize with you because I am 30 and I am still looking for a wife.

I think first, this may be hard, but that you should try to be thankful that you have been on so many dates even if they have failed and have had a relationship. Though you may not know, there are a lot of people out there who never go on dates and are in their 30s and have not even had ONE relationship. I did not have my first girlfriend until I was 29 and it only lasted 4 months. I begged God for at least one chance, and I got it. I am thankful. I went on my first date when I was 18 and did not go on a second date until I was 27. I have dated more in the last 2 and a half years than I previously did in my entire life. I had to learn to talk to women (without being awkward) and to be creative in getting women to take notice of me and go out with me. Most my friends had that down in their teens. I am still learning in my 30s.

Man… you are 27. You are not a kid. I have to tell you that being angry with ANYONE because you are not getting your way is not mature. You are a man. Part of being a man is not throwing a fit and blaming others when you don’t get your way. Not trying to put you down… like I said I sincerely sympathize with your wanting to find a significant other to Marry. 27 is nowhere near being too late. Have you been on a Catholic dating site? I have. There are so many women on those sites that are great women, beautiful and have good careers and yet are still unmarried. You can land one dude, I am telling you. You just have to be patient. It is a different time. Getting married later in life is more common these days. Continue to pray. Don’t cut God out of your life. Answer me this… if you were a parent and your kid wanted something but you thought it was not the right time and your kid said “But I really want it” and you said “Not yet” and your kid said “Then I am disowning you” would that make you hurry to grant your child’s wish? I don’t think so. We suffer in life. It is part of life. Be a man and take it without complaining. Continue to try to meet women. No, don’t just “not look” LOOK! Ask women out. Join a dating site. Have fun (innocent fun 🙂 ) with all the wrong women before you find the right one because you have to discern which is the right women by going through a few wrong ones.

If all your dates are that bad, I recommend considering a change in something. Analyze why that is and see if you can work on it. What good is finding a wife if you cut God out of your life? Your marriage will not be valid in the eyes of God if you decide to marry outside the church because you are still Catholic by your baptism whether you practice the faith or not.

Give it time man. Give it time. Also, if you want someone to talk to for whatever, talk about a recent date, talk about women, date ideas, crazy women, about stuff we as single men go through, feel free to pm on this site. God bless, man.
 
From The Screwtape Letters, #8:

*My dear Wormwood,

So you ‘have great hopes that the patient’s religious phase is dying away’, have you? I always thought the Training College had gone to pieces since they put old Subgob at the head of it, and now I am sure. Has no one every told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians-- half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy’s determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for as to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation-- the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life-- his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.

To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself-- creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because he has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot ‘tempt’ to virtual as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

But of course the troughs afford opportunities to our side also. Next week I will give you some hints on how to exploit them,

You affectionate uncle
Screwtape*
 
No offense brah but your faith should be in God, not man. Every time I hear some body saying that they left church because of some bad experience they had with a person, I just wonder who their faith was really in…
 
Hi,
JustALurker said:
Every time I see an attractive woman I feel a strong sexual and emotional desire for a marriage partner so marriage is not something that I can “just get out of my head.”.
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Sounds like your angry and that is not an attractive feature, neither is desperation. You talk about attractive woman, maybe that is the problem. Maybe God did send you a woman but she wasn’t attractive enough for you. You need to give all woman a chance, you will be surprised what you will find within a plain Jane.

Also God answers prayers when and if he feels you are ready for it. So if he doesn’t think your ready for a wife, your not going to get one. Or like I said, he may of sent one to you but you didn’t find her Physically attractive. Just remember looks fade but a good heart keeps you beautiful for ever.

So you might reconsider giving up on God, and give you and God another chance, this time with an open mind and heart.
 
True story: A couple had started dating seriously. He, 31, asked her, “All those years without you! Why couldn’t I have met you ten years ago?” She, 23, replied, “Because I was 13 years old, and my dad would have shot you.” They didn’t actually marry until several more years later, but they have now been married 25 years.

A relative of mine didn’t marry for the first time until he was over 30, either. He thought himself fortunate. His friends didn’t meet their current wives until later in life, but they had managed to get married much earlier, but also divorced. My relative who waited has been married over 20 years, and he has no ex-wife getting alimony from him, either.

A third man I know is even more demonstrative. He talked to me when he was married for a second time. He said that he and his first wife had divorced because he was convinced she was too difficult to live with. Then he remarried, and he and his second wife also started having problems. He finally went to marriage counselling. This is what he told me: “I realized that my first marriage failed because I was a jerk, only I didn’t know it. If I had only figured that out before divorcing my first wife, I wouldn’t have two families to support right now, and two families to juggle.”

“I honestly feel that these signs were probably lies.” I suspect they were, too, but it wasn’t God that was lying to you. God can neither deceive nor be deceived. You, OTOH, are not God, and you can be. You can raise false hopes in yourself, and in your current vulnerable state, you are prone to have false hopes raised in you.

Consider that keeping you from meeting the woman who will marry you until He’s tailored you into someone a bit more like that man she’d actually recognize as the one she’ll want to marry and stick with for as long as you both live and keeping you from her until she is someone you would consider as a wife as well is better than letting you go hand-pick a future ex-wife for your current unready self. You really do write as if you are someone who is desperate to get married, but not remotely ready to successfully be married, so this is a real possibility.

This doesn’t make you a bad person or worse than any of us. We don’t look down on what you’re saying–most of us recognize it as some of the tripe that we either believed or felt ourselves tempted to believe at some time or another. You are being tempted to believe that you are being denied something you are ready for and something you are therefore entitled to demand. You aren’t. That much, we can tell you, is a lie. What you do with that information, that is up to you.
 
I’m wondering whether you’re ready for marriage. As the priest said, you must “die to yourself.” To sacrifice is to love. The first and greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, with all your soul, and all your strength. Is it possible that God is not sending someone to you yet because He thinks you may not be as great a husband/father as you could be without knowing this yet? Do you think it’s possible that marrying earlier or sooner could end up in a terrible marriage? What if God’s plan for you is to learn these kinds of things, to grow and to learn sacrifical love before marrying so that it would be beneficial to your marriage? Maybe God’s preparing you to have the qualities that will help your marriage. A grapevine can only bear ripe fruit when it’s given enough time.

Give yourself time to think, it sounds like you’re intent on marriage. It’s not wrong to want marriage but to be fixated on it, thinking “I’m going to marry this girl” doesn’t seem very wise. I’m not saying you should date without an intent to be married. I think it’s important to date with the seriousness of wanting to get married because it might be the case that she might be the one, but it doesn’t seem like it’s a good idea to impose the thought of marriage prematurely. In short, take your relationship seriously as though it is leading to marriage (because it could), but don’t start it with the mindset you’re going to marry her – start it with the mindset that you could marry her. As the relationship develops, you’ll be able to discern whether that could will turn to “can’t marry” or “will marry”.Only when you feel comfortable should you say you want to marry her. The outcome should not be predetermined because it takes two to discern marriage.

I hope that makes sense.
 
As a fellow convert, I can relate to the frustrations of not being able to live out a vocation as easily as perhaps, say, someone who grew up with a tight Catholic social network. I am almost 32, female, and still waiting as well. The older I get, however, the less I believe in the idea of there being something that we can do to “fix” ourselves and become some kind of model citizen to make it happen. Serious impediments aside, if we could see ourselves the way God sees us, I bet even married couples will be amazed at how much work there still is to be done! In one of the best books that I read about long-term singleness, the author said very early on something along the lines of, “Look, I don’t have a magical formula and I am not the sage married lady talking down to all you singles out there…I just met a dude, that’s all.”

That being said, staying close to God- as in prayer, Scripture, the Sacraments- will help you remain open to His will and see your waiting time from His point of view. Feeling vulnerable, angry, sad, distressed, stunted? Pray it out. Even the worst of it. As an aside, I doubt that there is a married person who hasn’t experienced all of the above within the vocation of marriage…and that doesn’t have any impact on their maturity level.

I have a couple of male acquaintances who have married and started families around age 50. As a man, you can pretty much continue to date women for the next couple of decades with the possibility of marriage and kids at any time. Just be glad you’re not a lady- I’m already starting to think God may be calling me to forego motherhood and wait for the 45+ annulled/widowed crowd… 🤷
 
You mention a lot of negative experiences when you try to have a relationship with a woman. Words like “disastrous”, “worst experience of my life” etc. I would recommend therapy. You seem to think you can make deals with God and expect results within your accepted time frame. Since he did produce your desired result you now say you want to leave the church. God is not a genie in bottle granter of wishes.

Your tone is angry and indignant. A wife is not a prize for being a good Catholic or saying many novenas. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. To have such a negative experience with dating leads me to believe you have areas that you need to work on before you can entertain the idea of marriage. Even the fact that you are so focused on marriage without being in a relationship seems very premature.

Marriage is hard even in very good circumstances. If you ready to dump God and his church because your disappointed and frustrated what does say about your ability to be committed? What happens when your wife disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you? God is giving you time to grow, you can fight against it or you can use the time to grow into who God is calling you to be.
 
rayne89 said:
You mention a lot of negative experiences when you try to have a relationship with a woman. Words like “disastrous”, “worst experience of my life” etc. I would recommend therapy. You seem to think you can make deals with God and expect results within your accepted time frame. Since he did produce your desired result you now say you want to leave the church. God is not a genie in bottle granter of wishes.

Your tone is angry and indignant. A wife is not a prize for being a good Catholic or saying many novenas. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. To have such a negative experience with dating leads me to believe you have areas that you need to work on before you can entertain the idea of marriage. Even the fact that you are so focused on marriage without being in a relationship seems very premature.

Marriage is hard even in very good circumstances. If you ready to dump God and his church because your disappointed and frustrated what does say about your ability to be committed? What happens when your wife disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you? God is giving you time to grow, you can fight against it or you can use the time to grow into who God is calling you to be.
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You expressed what I was trying to say in a much clearer, concise way than I have. 👍
 
Where are you located? Most big cities have Catholic singles groups with various activities. At 27, you still have plenty of time to socialize and make new friends.
 
If you are not happy as a single person, you will not be happy in the married state.
It is much harder to be married than single, even if your wife is a paragon of virtue and beauty.
It involves sacrifice, hard work and dying to self.
As others suggested, work on becoming the kind of man someone would want to marry. Get rid of the bitterness and anger.
God bless.
 
No one is entitled to a spouse. No. One. Is. Entitled. To. A. Spouse. Does not matter how hard one wishes and prays for it. Does not matter how much the desire dominates one’s life to the exclusion of all other concerns. Does not matter at all. Man proposes. Frequently, I may add, but God often has other plans and life was never, ever meant to be fair for most of us. That is something everyone must reconcile themselves to sooner or later. Sometimes that reconciliation is the hardest work some people ever do in their lives even with the help of prayer to our Lord.

That said, there are some practical things for you: if you say every date, relationship, etc. turns out “horribly”, well there is one thing every one of those dates has in common and as hard as it might be for you to hear, you’re it. So you need to look in the mirror. It’s real easy to blame other people for one’s problems. <raises hand, been there, done that> I strongly suspect that the anger, desperation and insecurity that you exhibit in your post are showing through in your dates: believe me, these traits are not attractive to women at all, women smell that stuff a mile off, they’re going to get turned off very quickly when they encounter such poor traits.

You cannot control other people, you cannot make a woman like your angry, desperate self, they are not made for that, you can only control yourself, that is it. So work on yourself and be prepared to play the long game while you’re at it. If you’re out of shape, get into a gym or take up some other form of exercise. If you lack good conversational skills, try Toastmasters. Becoming a good public speaker often helps on the confidence front. If you dress like a slob, women may not say anything but they will definitely notice that and not in a good way. If you’re an introverted shut-in, got to get out of the house. Volunteer for something.

If you have trouble interacting around women, I cannot recommend social partner dancing highly enough. Take some group dance lessons, your objective is not to meet that special someone in class; rather, your objective is to get used to being around women and making small talk with them. Maybe you will even learn how to flirt with them. Since group classes usually rotate partners, you will have interactions with many different women. Women dancers like to be led around the floor so you will learn how to be assertive in setting the frame and leading your partner. Doesn’t matter what kind of partner dance you get started with, they all require the guy to lead, the girl to follow. Go with the music you like to listen to the most.
 
I’m sorry for not reading every response, just to much to read, I prefer short answers,
But would like to throw in my 20 cents worth, initially I would say maybe your trying to hard,
When you loose your car keys , you look everywhere turn the house upside down, only to stumble over them in the backyard shed, we look for things in all the wrong places,
We get all upset, even blame someone else for what we can’t find ,when we ourselves lost it,
But never fear, take a few big breaths,relax and try again, but this time look elsewhere,
Their are social organisations, truckloads of them, just need to look outside the square,
Sporting groups ? Do you follow any sport ? How about Cycling clubs ? Scouting groups, what about hospital social groups ? My wife is a mid wife and we go to their social thingies and their are nurses looking for a guy, and they are really nice people, don’t give up,
 
Sorry for your distress.
Have you considered dating non Catholic and agnostic women in real life or from dating sites etc?
It doesn’t mean that she won’t later become a Catholic.
Being relatively young,I can perceive that there’s not that many Catholic younger people to consider.
 
Normally, we meet someone, we like them, we get to know them a little more, we start to go out on dates, eventually we realise we love them and then at some point, a proposal of marriage is made by one and accepted (or not) by the other. And sometimes things never get that far, and people just drift apart.

If you start the wrong way around (i.e., fixated on the marriage bit rather than just getting to know a woman in a social sense), you’re kind of reducing this to a task that has to be accomplished. Until you fall in love with someone, you can’t decide whether or not they are ‘the one’ to be your life-partner.

I realise that for good Catholic men, the desire to stay chaste until marriage may drive them on to marry early in life. It’s a challenge in today’s world, where most young men in their 20s are having sexual relationships outside of marriage and therefore probably don’t feel the same pressures.

I wish you luck in your search for your future wife, OP, but please don’t despair about this. You are young and love often comes along when you are least expecting it.
 
JustALurker said:
I am writing this because I am at my wit’s end. I told God and our Blessed Mother tonight that I don’t want them to be in my life anymore. The pain God has caused me has just been too great and it feels like there is no way for me to possibly love Him now…snip…]

And will leaving God and the Church improve your situation? No.

You need to lighten up. The right girl will come into your life when you least expect it, if there is to be one. Just go about your life doing the right thing and just learn to enjoy being alive. Try volunteering at Church and other places. Learn to like people and help out wherever you can.

I’ve been single all my life and I just take every day as it comes, trying to do the right thing. Apparently God has other plans for some of us, perhaps that is your case.

Pax
Linus2nd
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