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brian_custer
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nicely said
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I want to leave the Church because God won't help me find a spouse
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CatholicGuy31
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You are absolutely right, he has some good advice in his last post. Thank you EasterJoy for highlighting this, it saved me a lot of writing. Only a few things to add and these are below (just in case the OP is still reading these).He hasn’t been posting here; perhaps he has gone back, read his own advice, and taken heart. We can hope. At any rate, he knows everything we’re telling him. He’s just going through a very difficult time trying to live it. Don’t we all? Keep him in your prayers, everybody!
First is that while marriage is a good goal to have it shouldn’t be our only focus. When we do this we loose sight of more important things we should be doing right now. Our focus should be on God, growing in Love and discovering God’s will for us.
Secondly, I have to agree with everyone else that 27 is still a young age and a bit early to start panicking. Some of us are in exactly the same situation well into our 30s.
Finally, just a quick word about the comment below:
I would be careful with this as there seems to be a bit of confusion here. Marriage is a calling from God and while attractions toward women normally indicate a vocation to marriage they should not form the basis for discernment.Every time I see an attractive woman I feel a strong sexual and emotional desire for a marriage partner so marriage is not something that I can “just get out of my head.”
Also, this kind of strong emotional attraction should only occur after talking and getting to know the woman, not just with looking. It is better to be in love with the woman than with the idea of marriage.
My prayers are with you, I hope you find what you are looking for very soon.
God Bless.
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Elena321
Guest
:hug1:As others have said, the original post does demonstrate an inappropriate attitude, but he’s angry, and frustrated, and probably feels less of God’s love in his life than he wishes he did. As a 30-year-old man who has never been in a romantic relationship despite wanting one badly, I can probably sympathize with him more than most of the people here. That said, some reflection and meditation, combined with spiritual guidance, would probably be best.
I’d also like to point out that the following kinds of posts are not helpful:
Clearly, these posters need to get off their high horses.
Is married life difficult? Sure it is! I think it’s all too easy, though, to overlook the blessings that marriage affords one and forget how difficult being single is.
If your sadness comes from feeling worthless as a man because every single woman you’ve met has judged you as such, then why wouldn’t being in the presence of a woman who thinks you’re the most important person in her life lessen that sadness?
Why would you dismiss the value of having someone who relies on you for emotional support, and who wants you to rely on her for emotional support, as well?
Perhaps there are people on this forum who have forgotten (or maybe never knew) the loneliness, self-doubt, and anguish that comes from prolonged singlehood. Perhaps there are some who even long for the days when they could cry themselves to sleep in the dark, lonely nights, wondering how long it would take for people to notice if they didn’t wake up in the morning. Perhaps they never wondered why it was so easy for some people to find someone to open their hearts, or if the fact that they couldn’t meant that they were a terrible person. Perhaps these feelings never drove them to the depths of depression where a person starts praying for death and to be spared resurrection, because life seems like boundless pain and who in their right mind could want more of that?
Yes, I’m sure married life is difficult, but don’t for an instant try to tell me or anyone else that single life isn’t just as difficult or more.
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Allegra
Guest
When I got in my car after work, someone was talking on Catholic radio. I’m not sure who it was, but they said something along the lines of:
God answers our prayers in three ways; “Yes”, “Not Yet”, and “I have something so much better planned for you.”
Anyway, I though this was pertinant to this thread.
God answers our prayers in three ways; “Yes”, “Not Yet”, and “I have something so much better planned for you.”
Anyway, I though this was pertinant to this thread.
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hwriggles4
Guest
Fellow Contributors:
The advice here from several people here like LaughingBoy1503, Xantippe, Shainski, and many others is spot on. I hope Just A Lurker takes much of the advice here into consideration. Here’s some of my own:
I spent the majority of my twenties either working two jobs or going back to college full-time. When I graduated at 28, I didn’t feel ready to be married, but I did go to quite a few singles’ dances to help me meet a few people from the opposite sex (and being an engineer, I wanted to get a little more comfortable around women since the majority of us are in a male-dominated field), and I also played in a co-ed volleyball league one night a week, mostly with men and women around my age. (Like running, volleyball was also “cheap entertainment”). I did pursue a few outside interests like running and swimming (I began running when I returned to college full-time), and I even restored an old truck. I was also fortunate to have a job where I basically worked no more than 45 hours a week.
Therefore, I wanted to ask Just A Lurker what profession he is in. Many computer programmers, engineers, and IT people are male (although engineering has recruited more females within the past 20 years, particularly environmental, chemical, civil, and industrial) so many of those guys are meeting women outside of the workplace. It is good to get out of the house at least three nights a week and do something athletic, social, or spiritual. I do recommend Young Adult Ministry and possibly a dance class. If you are shy (I’m basically a privately shy person who has learned to adapt), I agree with the other posters that a dance class may be a good place. You will also get some exercise, improve on social skills and social graces, and build some confidence.
I would also like to ask Just A Lurker if he has any sisters, or friends who are like sisters. In college, I was able to develop friendships with some girls who became like sisters. I was a shy kid, I didn’t have biological sisters (my cousins lived states away too), and most of my interests were male-dominated (like cars, model building, railroads, science, Boy Scouts, etc.) that I didn’t spend much time around girls when I was younger, although I did get a date for my senior prom - my only date in high school. Sisters or friends who are like sisters can be a big help.
Dating is fine, but don’t be an obsessive spouse seeker. I agree that makes you a less interesting person. Make friends first and get to know some of the women you meet. Ask open ended questions, such as “what do you like to do?”, or “thanks for bring up XXX subject at our prayer meeting tonight”, or “oh, I notice you have a ring from XXX school, what did you study?”. Those can be good icebreakers, and break down some shyness.
Hope these items help a little, and contribute to the conversation.
The advice here from several people here like LaughingBoy1503, Xantippe, Shainski, and many others is spot on. I hope Just A Lurker takes much of the advice here into consideration. Here’s some of my own:
I spent the majority of my twenties either working two jobs or going back to college full-time. When I graduated at 28, I didn’t feel ready to be married, but I did go to quite a few singles’ dances to help me meet a few people from the opposite sex (and being an engineer, I wanted to get a little more comfortable around women since the majority of us are in a male-dominated field), and I also played in a co-ed volleyball league one night a week, mostly with men and women around my age. (Like running, volleyball was also “cheap entertainment”). I did pursue a few outside interests like running and swimming (I began running when I returned to college full-time), and I even restored an old truck. I was also fortunate to have a job where I basically worked no more than 45 hours a week.
Therefore, I wanted to ask Just A Lurker what profession he is in. Many computer programmers, engineers, and IT people are male (although engineering has recruited more females within the past 20 years, particularly environmental, chemical, civil, and industrial) so many of those guys are meeting women outside of the workplace. It is good to get out of the house at least three nights a week and do something athletic, social, or spiritual. I do recommend Young Adult Ministry and possibly a dance class. If you are shy (I’m basically a privately shy person who has learned to adapt), I agree with the other posters that a dance class may be a good place. You will also get some exercise, improve on social skills and social graces, and build some confidence.
I would also like to ask Just A Lurker if he has any sisters, or friends who are like sisters. In college, I was able to develop friendships with some girls who became like sisters. I was a shy kid, I didn’t have biological sisters (my cousins lived states away too), and most of my interests were male-dominated (like cars, model building, railroads, science, Boy Scouts, etc.) that I didn’t spend much time around girls when I was younger, although I did get a date for my senior prom - my only date in high school. Sisters or friends who are like sisters can be a big help.
Dating is fine, but don’t be an obsessive spouse seeker. I agree that makes you a less interesting person. Make friends first and get to know some of the women you meet. Ask open ended questions, such as “what do you like to do?”, or “thanks for bring up XXX subject at our prayer meeting tonight”, or “oh, I notice you have a ring from XXX school, what did you study?”. Those can be good icebreakers, and break down some shyness.
Hope these items help a little, and contribute to the conversation.
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hwriggles4
Guest
I also recommend Fr. Morrow’s Book, Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World. Fr. Morrow provides a lot of wisdom for singles out of college, and it is constructive for both men and women.
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cerad3
Guest
This is a bit of a shot in the dark but are you by any chance an amputee? Evidence suggests that God tends to ignore amputees.
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kittyplant
Guest
being a Christian should be the number one concern in your life. loving God and serving His people. not getting married.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Oy gevalt…a shot in the dark that found the foot.This is a bit of a shot in the dark but are you by any chance an amputee? Evidence suggests that God tends to ignore amputees.
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Christie_G
Guest
I admire your candor at sharing your true sentiments and emotions here… A good start to let the healing process kick in. Try to connect even more… to God and to others. Perhaps the focus on finding a partner was all consuming that you’ve lost touch with other equally important endeavors or meaningful relationships…
As many have suggested, remain in Him through meditation, prayers and Scripture. Go out and do volunteer work. You’d be surprised at how feeling good can alter your perception on a lot of things. It’s in giving that we also receive. Don’t be afraid to try dating again with the goal of living and simply enjoying the moment. Be mindful of the little things that make you hopeful and happy! Positive vibes and prayers your way…
Christie
FaithfulMatch
As many have suggested, remain in Him through meditation, prayers and Scripture. Go out and do volunteer work. You’d be surprised at how feeling good can alter your perception on a lot of things. It’s in giving that we also receive. Don’t be afraid to try dating again with the goal of living and simply enjoying the moment. Be mindful of the little things that make you hopeful and happy! Positive vibes and prayers your way…
Christie
FaithfulMatch
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Vico
Guest
The Holy Spirit makes it possible to give up worldly things, you cannot do it on you own. The baptized have the choice to seek the things of the world or abandon them for eternal life. God does not force us, rather it requires our cooperation, and there is not guarantee of fulfillment of our desires now in this life, only in the eternal life.**I John 2:15-17 **… I cannot die to my desire for marriage because it won’t go away. … I do not want to leave the faith and so I am begging for your help…
15 Love not the world, nor those things which are in the world. If any man love the world, the charity of the Father is not in him:
16 For all that is in the world, is the concupiscence of the flesh, and the concupiscence of the eyes, and the pride of life: which is not of the Father, but is of the world.
17 And the world passeth away, and the concupiscence thereof. But he that doth the will of God, abideth for ever.
Matthew 5 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Haydock Commentary:Ver. 3. The poor in spirit;[1] which, according to the common exposition, signifies the humble of mind and heart. Yet some understand it of such as are truly in poverty and want, and who bear their indigent condition with patience and resignation. (Witham) — That is, the humble; and they whose spirit is not set upon riches. (Challoner) — It is not without reason that the beatitudes are disposed of in this order. Each preceding one prepares the way for what immediately follows, furnishing us in particular with spiritual arms of such graces as are necessary for obtaining the virtue of the subsequent beatitude. Thus the poor in spirit, i.e. the truly humble, will mourn for their transgressions, and whoever is filled with sorrow and confusion for his own sins, cannot but be just, and behave to others with meekness and clemency; when possessed of these virtues, he then becomes pure and clean of heart. Peace of conscience reigns in this assemblage of virtues, and cannot be expelled the soul by any tribulations, persecutions, or injustices of men. (St. Chrysostom, hom. xv.) What is this poverty of spirit, but humility and contrition? This virtue of humility is placed in the first place, because it is the parent of every other virtue, as pride is the mother of every vice. Pride deprived our first parents of their original innocence, and nothing but humility can restore us to our former purity. We may pray and fast, we may be possessed of mercy, chastity, or any virtues, if humility do not accompany them, they will be like the virtue of the Pharisee, without foundation, without fruit. (Hom. xv.)
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Anita_P
Guest
I’m 26 and this describes my situation almost exactly. I don’t know what to say but I can say I understand every single feeling and thought you have expressed.I am writing this because I am at my wit’s end. I told God and our Blessed Mother tonight that I don’t want them to be in my life anymore. The pain God has caused me has just been too great and it feels like there is no way for me to possibly love Him now.
I am a 27 year old Catholic male convert and I have greatly desired for many years now to find a suitable Catholic wife. This process has been very painful and I have gone through more failed dates and disastrous relationships than I can count since I converted about 4 years ago. I have prayed countless Novena’s (many of them were known to “never” fail). I have received what I thought were several signs that I would one day find a wife, but I am so angry right now at God that I honestly feel that these signs were probably lies.
I have tried “letting God find a spouse for me” and I even stopped actively looking for a woman for an entire year to let God work in my life. The consequences were terrible: I became rigid and completely unsuitable for marriage which led me to become bitter towards God. I eventually realized that God wasn’t going to find a spouse for me and that I would have to put in a real effort.
Since then I have gone on countless dates that have all turned out horribly. Except for one which resulted in a 4 month relationship which was possibly the worst experience of my life. All this time I have been praying patiently. I have given up asking for a wife and I have even asked God to take away my desire for marriage… This desire for marriage is the bane of my existence… Every time I see an attractive woman I feel a strong sexual and emotional desire for a marriage partner so marriage is not something that I can “just get out of my head.”
I am fed up. I feel that God either doesn’t care or is taking pleasure in my suffering. I know that this is blasphemy and I know that I am probably going to hell for it, but I just can’t fathom loving a God who has completely ignored my requests and not even eased my suffering. This issue may not be important to God but it is important to me and I can’t just offer it up and leave it up to His Will because it keeps coming back.
I am writing this because I need help. When I go to the confessions the priests say that I need to “die to my myself” the way Jesus died on the cross. These words have not helped me. I cannot die to my desire for marriage because it won’t go away. God also won’t give me a wife and He appears to actively be sending me unsuitable marriage candidates who cause me even more pain. I don’t know how to escape from this prison. Leaving the faith seems like a decent option now (it was much easier to find women before I converted). That said, I do not want to leave the faith and so I am begging for your help. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you.
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Anita_P
Guest
Marriage is not a worldly thing; to say that is pretty much an insult to the faith and to God.The Holy Spirit makes it possible to give up worldly things, you cannot do it on you own. The baptized have the choice to seek the things of the world or abandon them for eternal life. God does not force us, rather it requires our cooperation, and there is not guarantee of fulfillment of our desires now in this life, only in the eternal life.**I John 2:15-17 **
15 Love not the world, nor those things which are in the world. If any man love the world, the charity of the Father is not in him:
16 For all that is in the world, is the concupiscence of the flesh, and the concupiscence of the eyes, and the pride of life: which is not of the Father, but is of the world.
17 And the world passeth away, and the concupiscence thereof. But he that doth the will of God, abideth for ever.
Matthew 5 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Haydock Commentary:Ver. 3. The poor in spirit;[1] which, according to the common exposition, signifies the humble of mind and heart. Yet some understand it of such as are truly in poverty and want, and who bear their indigent condition with patience and resignation. (Witham) — That is, the humble; and they whose spirit is not set upon riches. (Challoner) — It is not without reason that the beatitudes are disposed of in this order. Each preceding one prepares the way for what immediately follows, furnishing us in particular with spiritual arms of such graces as are necessary for obtaining the virtue of the subsequent beatitude. Thus the poor in spirit, i.e. the truly humble, will mourn for their transgressions, and whoever is filled with sorrow and confusion for his own sins, cannot but be just, and behave to others with meekness and clemency; when possessed of these virtues, he then becomes pure and clean of heart. Peace of conscience reigns in this assemblage of virtues, and cannot be expelled the soul by any tribulations, persecutions, or injustices of men. (St. Chrysostom, hom. xv.) What is this poverty of spirit, but humility and contrition? This virtue of humility is placed in the first place, because it is the parent of every other virtue, as pride is the mother of every vice. Pride deprived our first parents of their original innocence, and nothing but humility can restore us to our former purity. We may pray and fast, we may be possessed of mercy, chastity, or any virtues, if humility do not accompany them, they will be like the virtue of the Pharisee, without foundation, without fruit. (Hom. xv.)
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Anglewannabe
Guest
Wow, what a good point. Thanks for making it !No offense brah but your faith should be in God, not man. Every time I hear some body saying that they left church because of some bad experience they had with a person, I just wonder who their faith was really in…
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Vico
Guest
There is no marriage in heaven, so how is it not a worldly thing?Marriage is not a worldly thing; to say that is pretty much an insult to the faith and to God.
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Klemens_Hadwig
Guest
Orthodox (Eastern) theology would disagree with this statement. Once married in Christ, who conquered death, the marriage cannot be ended by death. By this logic marriage is eternal.There is no marriage in heaven, so how is it not a worldly thing?
Please do not use my statement to derail the thread, however it is a good idea to consider other legitimate theological perspectives besides those of the Latin church before making sweeping declarations.
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Vico
Guest
I am Byzantine Catholic.Orthodox (Eastern) theology would disagree with this statement. Once married in Christ, who conquered death, the marriage cannot be ended by death. By this logic marriage is eternal.
Please do not use my statement to derail the thread, however it is a good idea to consider other legitimate theological perspectives besides those of the Latin church before making sweeping declarations.
Matthew 22
28 At the resurrection therefore whose wife of the seven shall she be? for they all had her. 29 And Jesus answering, said to them: You err, not knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they shall neither marry nor be married; but shall be as the angels of God in heaven.
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Vico
Guest
I am Byzantine Catholic. Jesus refers to levirate marriage, there is no carnal desire in heaven, (of course there is on Earth).
Matthew 22 28 At the resurrection therefore whose wife of the seven shall she be? for they all had her. 29 And Jesus answering, said to them: You err, not knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they shall neither marry nor be married; but shall be as the angels of God in heaven.
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mommy_k
Guest
The foundation of a catholic marriage is love, and the spiritual union of two souls. The goal is to lead each other to heaven. Yes, there is no need for congugal relations in heaven-this is reserved for our life on earth, however, I believe that the souls of married couples are joined forever. This is why marriage is holy and a sacrament—just as the church is the bride of Christ.
This is why as Catholics we do not endorse marriages that are not sacramental.
With this in mind, we are led by God and the church to find someone who can help us complete our earthly journey. Sometimes there is a lapse as God perfects our souls in us, and our future marriage partner.
God’s timing is not our own, and perhaps op, if you find that God is taking too long, he may be working with you to perfect a detail in your life to prepare you or a detail in your future spuse–but do not lose hope! Also, satan sometimes uses any means possible to lure people away from the church.
Marriage isnot a goal to happen when a person reaches a certain age. When you look beyond what the world states as marriage and compare this to what it really is-yes, it can take time to find a partner, but it is worth it.
This is why as Catholics we do not endorse marriages that are not sacramental.
With this in mind, we are led by God and the church to find someone who can help us complete our earthly journey. Sometimes there is a lapse as God perfects our souls in us, and our future marriage partner.
God’s timing is not our own, and perhaps op, if you find that God is taking too long, he may be working with you to perfect a detail in your life to prepare you or a detail in your future spuse–but do not lose hope! Also, satan sometimes uses any means possible to lure people away from the church.
Marriage isnot a goal to happen when a person reaches a certain age. When you look beyond what the world states as marriage and compare this to what it really is-yes, it can take time to find a partner, but it is worth it.
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Vico
Guest
I think by “do not endorse marriages that are not sacramental” you mean that a natural marriage between a Catholic and a non-baptized person is impeded and requires, for validity, a dispensation (disparity of cult) by a local ordinary?The foundation of a catholic marriage is love, and the spiritual union of two souls. The goal is to lead each other to heaven. Yes, there is no need for conjugal relations in heaven-this is reserved for our life on earth, however, I believe that the souls of married couples are joined forever. This is why marriage is holy and a sacrament—just as the church is the bride of Christ.
This is why as Catholics we do not endorse marriages that are not sacramental…
The following requirements are to be met in that case, which show that the concern is that there will be no defection from the faith, children are Catholic, and that essence of marriage is not excluded by either:CIC Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:
1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.
What do you think of 1 Cor 6:15-17, showing that person becomes one body with the spouse and one spirit with the Lord?15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take Christ’s members and make them the members of a prostitute?* Of course not 16 [Or] do you not know that anyone who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For “the two,” it says, “will become one flesh.”h 17 But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him.*(“http://www.usccb.org/bible/1corinthians/6#54006017-i”)2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.
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