If God loves me why won't he send a spouse?

[DMC12]

well, if you ask me, you should try to relax a little.

first of all, why being alone is so hard for you, do you hate yourself and dont want to be alone with yourself? or what is the reason? are you scared of something? maybe that is what God wants from you, that you solve those problems whatever they are and the faith ones before getting a good man. i suggest you go to a good Catholic psychologist for help.

do you watch too many chick flicks? where the girl gets the man and get married and stuff, i would suggest you stop them for a while, the least you need now is those kind of stuff.

second why do you want to leave the Church? what good is it going to do so? or what are your motives?

 

[TeachCatechism]

I’m not afraid of being alone, just don’t want to be.

 

[grasscutter]

I’m not afraid of being alone, just don’t want to be.

Hopefully you are not so offhand in your verbal communication. If you are, that (if I were a man) would be a problem for me.

For example: nope, yep, don’t want to, etc. The lack of effort put into properly formed sentences would be very off-putting for me if I were on a date with someone. I would assess that person as being disdainful and dismissive towards me and would conclude that I wasn’t holding their interest. So, I would decline pursuing a second date.

 

[Miserissima]

A man who is widowed is a possibility but a divorced or never married dad is not. I want the church wedding being devout and do not want the drama of an ex.

I’d recommend reading threads of other recent posters who seem to feel very much the same way. In fact, they just may meet your criteria.

 

[underacloud]

I’m not saying this line of thinking is correct, only that it is understandable. This is not about her putting God to the test. This is about God putting her to the test. All relationship counselors agree: if you test the people you love, you only drive them away. An omniscient God should know that.

Our relationship with God is not that of equals. We should not expect that He will not put us to the test; rather, we should expect that precisely. In the same way that any parent puts their child to the test at times, God will put us to the test, to allow us to grow.

There is no balance in our relationships to God. The divide is infinite, and is only closed through God’s great grace and love. But we should never forget how unimportant our own will is if it differs from His.

Any parent should give their child what is best for them, not what that child thinks is best. My point being that the OP should seek to know God’s will above all other things.

 

[jazzy0710]

God may want you to act yourself. My advice to you would be to put yourself out there in as many social situations and meet as many people as you can.

 

[JorduSpeaks]

Our relationship with God is not that of equals. We should not expect that He will not put us to the test; rather, we should expect that precisely. In the same way that any parent puts their child to the test at times, God will put us to the test, to allow us to grow.

There is no balance in our relationships to God. The divide is infinite, and is only closed through God’s great grace and love. But we should never forget how unimportant our own will is if it differs from His.

Any parent should give their child what is best for them, not what that child thinks is best. My point being that the OP should seek to know God’s will above all other things.

Expectation of equality has nothing to do with it. It’s just cause and effect. When you put people to the test, you damage the relationship and drive them away.

As for your thinking that being unhappily single is what’s best for Teach, that might be true. After all, I don’t know Teach or all the specifics of her situation. However, if it is what’s best for her, it’s hard to see it from here. Not only does she have to deal with the pain of lacking the basic human companionship that it seems everyone else finds so easy to acquire, but at every turn the world sends her the message that her misfortune is her own fault. Look at all the posts here. We’re on page 8 now, and I bet if you took all the posts that DON’T say or imply that she’s single because there’s something WRONG with her, it wouldn’t even fill one page. Singleness is basically the new leprosy in that sense. If a person is suffering, the world thinks they must deserve it. Eventually, they start to believe that message, themselves.

Tell me, how does making a person feel that they shouldn’t receive love prepare them to receive God’s love?

 

[Xantippe]

JorduSpeaks said:

“As for your thinking that being unhappily single is what’s best for Teach, that might be true.”

I would expect that an unhappy single person will become an unhappy married person, and a happy single person will become a happy married person.

I would not expect marriage to transform an unhappy person into a happy person.

 

[JorduSpeaks]

JorduSpeaks said:

“As for your thinking that being unhappily single is what’s best for Teach, that might be true.”

I would expect that an unhappy single person will become an unhappy married person, and a happy single person will become a happy married person.

I would not expect marriage to transform an unhappy person into a happy person.

First, marriage is not the issue. Companionship is.

Second, completely happy people are a rarity. The real question is if companionship would make us HAPPIER. It seems to me that people are generally happier when they are in supportive, caring relationships of intimacy. Otherwise, nobody would be willing to make the sacrifices it takes.

Third, your message that unhappy people should be happy is not helpful. Nobody needs to be convinced to be happy. What we need is to find ways to be happier.

 

[Caroline723]

It would be good to distinguish between feeling unhappy and feeling frustrated. A person who posts here about their suffering in remaining single long past a desired timeframe, shouldn’t be presumed to be one of those sour-faced unhappy persons, just because they are unhappy about this one, albeit significant, facet of their life.

I am a nurse and am constantly told by patients, their families, and co-workers that I have such a “peaceful, gentle manner” in my nursing practice and “happy, easy-going personality”. But interiorly I am not so peaceful because I am single, in my thirties, and desiring marriage. I try to trust in God, but I feel an emptiness. I would not describe myself as a happy person, though I am perceived as one.

Our vocations are meant to give a specific framework for working out our salvation. For a person not to have that - it is tremendously frustrating to find purpose in the suffering caused by that. My advice to the OP is to not blame God. I don’t know anyone who has avoided major suffering, whose life has turned out exactly as they planned.

I highly recommend an Edward Leen book called Why the Cross. He specifically addresses the topic of happiness in the face of suffering. He argues quote convincingly that every person has at every moment, everything he needs to be happy. It’s a great book for those of us vocationally frustrated.

 

[chevalier]

God wouldn’t grant your request if it could harm you. This is because God wants to give you good gifts and not the exact gifts you want.

This doesn’t mean that giving you a spouse would be bad for you, but it could be bad for you, for example, if you got one just for asking (e.g. without perseverance or without your own active effort or for the wrong reasons such as being controlled by a desire which is not a good state to be in).

 

[Sarcelle]

It would be good to distinguish between feeling unhappy and feeling frustrated. A person who posts here about their suffering in remaining single long past a desired timeframe, shouldn’t be presumed to be one of those sour-faced unhappy persons, just because they are unhappy about this one, albeit significant, facet of their life.

I am a nurse and am constantly told by patients, their families, and co-workers that I have such a “peaceful, gentle manner” in my nursing practice and “happy, easy-going personality”. But interiorly I am not so peaceful because I am single, in my thirties, and desiring marriage. I try to trust in God, but I feel an emptiness. I would not describe myself as a happy person, though I am perceived as one.

Our vocations are meant to give a specific framework for working out our salvation. For a person not to have that - it is tremendously frustrating to find purpose in the suffering caused by that. My advice to the OP is to not blame God. I don’t know anyone who has avoided major suffering, whose life has turned out exactly as they planned.

I highly recommend an Edward Leen book called Why the Cross. He specifically addresses the topic of happiness in the face of suffering. He argues quote convincingly that every person has at every moment, everything he needs to be happy. It’s a great book for those of us vocationally frustrated.

Great post.

I told my spiritual advisor that I often felt envy for others who are happily married and others who are steadily employed. I have suffered from a series of lay-offs in spite of excellent employee feedback reports by my bosses. To me my life is purgatory.

However as I think about it further maybe it is to my good that I remain single. I have high functioning autism and since wives usually take care of the relational and emotional health of the family, maybe the vocation of wife and mother is unsuited for me.

I also explored.the consecrated religious life and also found out I was also ill.suited for that vocation. Yeah, life is purgatory indeed.

 

[Rasoleil]

Maybe my situation is rather unique. I prayed many times to The Blessed Virgin Mary (in a church chapel) for her to please let me find the right person for companionship and marriage. This did not happen immediately because God answers prayers according to His time, not ours. However, for a few years I have had relationships, or more specifically relationships from Hell. Obviously, I felt that God did not care and I was unworthy and I blamed myself. However, my prayers were answered after a few years when I met a wonderful person whom I would marry. Next month we will celebrate our 22 year anniversary. There is hope, and pray, as God does answer prayers.

 

[Adonia]

It’s obvious God has plans for me to be alone the rest of my life and not sure why. I’m actually considering leaving the church because of this issue because it bothers me so much.

I wanted nothing more than to find “the one”. In high school I waited patiently for guys to ask me out but it rarely happened. The few guys who asked me out were in the special education class and mentally challenged. Since I was an honors student I didn’t see this as compatible though was polite about it. I had one guy I liked and we were friends for a few years before dating. He talked me into things I knew were wrong and I said okay because I wanted a boyfriend badly. He dumped me right after. This was a pattern throughout college and past college (I didn’t date anyone else in high school)where either way I would be dumped so why do it? However most of the guys were guys I didn’t like but was so desperate to have a boyfriend I dated. Men like an alcoholic who saw nothing wrong with abortion (he paid for three) or a con artist who was also a pimp (tried to recruit me but luckily I was too strong for this). I would try meeting decent men but they didn’t want me because they usually had someone else or not into dating. I would spend hours crying because I wasn’t getting dates. When friends and relatives started getting married I would cry and usually not attend the weddings. Why celebrate something I’ll never have?

Years later I tried singles groups and online dating and failed. Outside of undesirable men with anti Christian values, I mostly got ignored. This has gotten worse the older I get because men now want younger and all that seem to contact me are much older and men with kids who are either divorced or never married the mom. Why should I have to settle on trashy men when I never got a good one (except one ex)to begin with? Why didn’t God send me a spouse when I asked him for one? I’ve always been devout and never hurt anyone yet God sees fit to hurt me and no idea why. I know evil women who abused men yet never suffered. The irony is I am pretty so why men would bypass is something that makes no sense.

How old are you? I was 39 before I met and married my wife. (Am now 57) I look at the whole thing as I had things to learn and when I accepted the fact that I would remain a single man and forgot about the whole thing and went about living my life. And guess what happened? (Oh, and pray for a little humility)

 

[mschocolat]

I say that anyone that is sad that they are still not married but has at least gotten to experience what it is like to share mutual love with someone… to have actually been in a relationship (whether the experience was more good or bad) should be thankful for that because it is not as unusual as you might think that some people have never and may never even get to experience that. I am 29 and I have never even had a girlfriend. That is painful. But I don’t blame God. I keep trying… failing too but I keep trying

Nobody is entitled to a significant other. Bad things happen to good people. Read The Book of Job. Hope I am not too blunt but I already explained my situation so I think a lot of people should be more thankful for theirs.

29 and never been in a relationship? I pray that you will find a lovely lady to be your wife one day.
I wish my boyfriend was like that. I’m 25 and i have never had a relationship before him

 

[Rau]

Teach - you’ve not commented on any aspect of your life, work, social milieu interests, etc. As one poster said, it’s important to be confident and happy in the life you have, rather than to appear to be permanently pining for the life you don’t have.

Do you have a circle of friends? Do you have a good job or career? Do you come across as a person who “has it together”?

 

[Lin123]

Hi, Let go let god…there are worse things then being single. lots of bad out there. stay on tract PRAY and give GOD thanks, that you have not gone through hell with a bad marriage. BE THANKFULL FOR WHATS GOOD IN YOUR LIFE… NOT WHAT WE WANT! Everything will fall into it’s place… GOD BLESS PRAYING FOR YOU!

 

[JorduSpeaks]

Teach - you’ve not commented on any aspect of your life, work, social milieu interests, etc. As one poster said, it’s important to be confident and happy in the life you have, rather than to appear to be permanently pining for the life you don’t have.

Do you have a circle of friends? Do you have a good job or career? Do you come across as a person who “has it together”?

Sorry, but this is just not a rational point of view. Everyone I know has been in some form of relationship before, and none of them “had it together” beforehand. Furthermore, being single (meaning unattached, not necessarily unmarried) in today’s world leeches confidence and happiness from you, largely because of the attitude you’re demonstrating, Rau.

What your post basically says is that you have to increase your value in order to meet someone. However, no matter how much a person increases her or his value, there is always more work that could be done. Furthermore, the attitude that says, “I am single because I am less valuable than most people” doesn’t exactly inspire confidence or happiness.

 

[Xantippe]

JorduSpeaks said:

“Sorry, but this is just not a rational point of view. Everyone I know has been in some form of relationship before, and none of them “had it together” beforehand.”

Right before I met my husband, I’d finished my BA, done two years working abroad, gotten practically bilingual, made a lot of friends there and a good life there and started a graduate program back in the US. Also, I’d just gotten a bunch of nice hand-me-downs and a makeover from my cuter, more socially savvy sister, and I had money in the bank. I was feeling REALLY good about myself and my prospects in life when I met my husband (and this was a couple years after going for Mr. Right-Now because I was worried that Mr. Right wasn’t ever going to turn up). I don’t think that’s entirely a coincidence. As they say in science, chance favors the prepared mind. I think chance also favors the prepared single person.

I don’t think that not meeting the right person is anybody’s fault, but when the right person comes along, it helps a lot to be a wise virgin rather than a foolish virgin.

en.wikisource.org/wiki/Bible_(King_James)/Matthew#Chapter_25

 

[agapewolf]

Sorry, but this is just not a rational point of view. Everyone I know has been in some form of relationship before, and none of them “had it together” beforehand. Furthermore, being single (meaning unattached, not necessarily unmarried) in today’s world leeches confidence and happiness from you, largely because of the attitude you’re demonstrating, Rau.

What your post basically says is that you have to increase your value in order to meet someone. However, no matter how much a person increases her or his value, there is always more work that could be done. Furthermore, the attitude that says, “I am single because I am less valuable than most people” doesn’t exactly inspire confidence or happiness.

I find this thread very interesting. While I see a lot of bitterness in the OP posts, and I think there is something bigger going on here, and its very true that one’s general demeanor can assist or repel meeting people in general, the cliches are tiresome, annoying, and most of the time do not tell the whole truth.

“have to be happy with yourself/God first”. Bull. This is heresy. We are never completely satisfied until we are with God in heaven. He put that ache for Him in us on purpose.

“stop looking and the spouse will show up”. Again, doesn’t make a lot of sense. If marriage is our vocation, that is our path to heaven, and we should never cease pursuing it.

I find Jorduspeaks posts extremely compassionate, empathizing, and very intuitive to the way a single person feels often time.