I'm in a tough situation

[kage_ar]

We also went to the doctor today, who thinks that conception definitely occurred around “the night” as Rage calls it, and put her at just shy of 7 weeks.

Wait a minute, the OP claimed she was a virgin before she fell into bed with her best friend - and now she needs a doctor to tell her when she conceived? Have you continued the sexual relationship since that first night?

 

[sanctamaria17]

Well, she probably told the doctor what happened and the doctor probably confirmed it. Doctors have to ask when the last period was and draw their conclusions based off of that. She/he was probably just confirming that fact. It was probably more for the doctor’s knowledge than anything. Assuming the doctor doesn’t already know Rage or her friend, that is.

 

[NoAvailableName]

Am I the only one that finds it hard to believe that a man can be sober enough to be able to physically perform sex with a woman, make the decision to have sex, and then not know how it happened or even how they got to their room the next day? I can believe on the woman’s side, but not on the man’s side. Please clue me in if I am misguided on this one.

 

[shannyk]

sigh

I grow weary of trying to explain to people why coercing a young girl to place for adoption is just plain UGLY and UNETHICAL.

I have very little fight left in me about adoption. Infant adoption in the United States is a broken system.

I hope that what I said DID resound strongly with a lot of people. I hope people will think more before they speak-- and truly understand the ramifications of their actions!

it is so easy to sit on the internet and say “Adoption is the best option here”. Becuase you know waht? YOU ARENT LIVING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES!

My duaghter’s natural mother is BROKEN. Her spirit will NEVER be the same. Several of my very best friends, who I met through an adoption support group, are also “birthmothers”. They dont even know if their children are sitll ALIVE, because adoption agencies and adoptive parents LIED to them-- literally, legally, LIED. “Yes, we’ll send you letters and photos. OH wait, now that we’ve finalized, and we dont need you any more, we’re not going ot do that anymore.”

Do you knwo how many people have committed suicide becuase they’ve been pressured into placing children for adoption when it was unnecessary to do so?!

Do you know how many adult adoptees out there have had their own biology STOLEN from them by this system?

Do you know my daughter’s birth certificate says that I GAVE BIRTH TO HER?! That her origional was destroyed and there is literally NO RECORD of the truth?! Her decendents will look her up and think that she’s Scottish, because I am. She’s not scottish. Neither is she Native American like my husband. She’s Irish, and she has her OWN heritage that has been erased from record

People who so easily recommend adoption to someone have a Lifetime Movie Of Th Week concept of what it really means. They’ve never explained to a child why she was placed. Or why she doesnt look like her family. They’ve never PARTED with their own flesh and blood (for the most part-- I see one previous poster has)-- gone home from the hospital only to have the milk come in and no baby to nurse. They’ve never wondered what happened to their parents-- were they a product of rape-- were they a ‘mistake’ easily disposed of. Lots of adult adoptees DO struggle with these issues every day!

I wish, as a community, we would stop seeing ADOPTION as a band-aid for SINGLE MOTHERHOOD. Honestly? Most people need to get a clue. ADOPTION IS HARD. It is HARD on all three parties involved! Hard for the child, hard for the parents and hard for the birthparetns.

If you dont think adoption is hard on an infnat, it’s becuase you’ve never taken one home from the hospital. Infants know their mother’s smell-- they know they arent getting breastmilk. They know that they are looking for a person who is ABSENT. Theres a book called The Primal Wound-- read it.

Adoption DOES NOT simplify things. In many cases, it is the best solution. But in many cases, it literally destroys people.

Adoption is not the answer to every unmarried pregnant woman. Until we wise up and start supporting pregnant women in productive ways, we will continue to have broken families, and broken spirits.

I agree.

I was conceived as the result of a rape and I am darn glad my mother, 18 at the time, kept me and went on to marry my father who adopted me. For OUR situation it made sense and was the best, for other situations, adoption is the best option. It’s impossible to paint with a broad brush and say adoption is the answer to single motherhood without knowing the people involved. Heck, even with growing up with my mother and adoptive father, I’ve always yearned for that real father connection. I still do as an adult, very much. Separating a child from his biological parents is not something to be done lightly as if it has no consequences. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very loving thing to do, and the bast thing in many situations, but it’s not all roses.

rage and rage’s baby’s father…I commend you both for choosing life for your child and will pray pray pray that you get good practical and spiritual advice in this situation and that you can put your child first. I encourage you both to go to adoration and confession and really self examine right now. You have my continued prayers

yellowdaisy my adoptive father’s name is on my birth certificate too, as if it’s the God’s honest truth. I have never understood that. Even my dad thought it was strange.

 

[kage_ar]

Am I the only one that finds it hard to believe that a man can be sober enough to be able to physically perform sex with a woman, make the decision to have sex, and then not know how it happened or even how they got to their room the next day? I can believe on the woman’s side, but not on the man’s side. Please clue me in if I am misguided on this one.

No, you are NOT the only one.

Heck, in my wilder days I have been very drunk, throwing up passing out drunk. I was never so drunk I would climb into bed with a man and have sex with him, or never so drunk that I did not remember what happened.

 

[Norseman82]

Morality aside, the question that should be asked in all the adoption vs. keep the baby arguments should be what is the best situation for the baby? That is where a Catholic priest and pregnancy counselor need to be consulted.

 

[jenlovesyu]

Morality aside, the question that should be asked in all the adoption vs. keep the baby arguments should be what is the best situation for the baby? That is where a Catholic priest and pregnancy counselor need to be consulted.

Best advice given in this thread

 

[yellowdaisy]

Morality aside, the question that should be asked in all the adoption vs. keep the baby arguments should be what is the best situation for the baby? That is where a Catholic priest and pregnancy counselor need to be consulted.

EXACTLY Norseman. And we can NOT assume that a 2 parent household is automatically “better” than staying with biological parents who so clearly love, desire and are able to care for, Baby.

Adoption doesnt mean a definate 2 parent household. Adoptive parents get divorced-- in fact I know SEVERAL couples who are now divorced who adopted. Adoptive parents die-- they get cancer, they lose jobs, the even end up in the same kinds of circumstances as some single mothers were to begin with.

Sometimes adoptive couples adopt to heal a broken marriage-- which never works and is unfair to the child. 2 couples in my “adoption class” are now divorced. Their adopted children are 2 years old, and living in single parent households, just as they would have been if they’d stayed with Bio Mom. Both couples admit that adopting was a last ditch effort to save their marriage.

Adoption is no guarantee of a stable, loving, 2 parent household!

Babies should only be separated from the biological family when they MUST be.

 

[trish_scotland]

I Will pray for your unborn child and i pray that you do the best you can. I however would not go for adoption. This baby is your child, you i am sure have the ability to love your child and look after her/him. This is your flesh and blood. He/she will only come looking for you in 20 years or so. Do your best what ever that is. God bless you.

 

[FiberZilla]

Just my :twocents:, please don’t take offense.

I would give the baby up for adoption so he/ she wouldn’t have to grow up in a difficult situation like that.

This might be the best option for everyone concerned (especially the child) given the circumstances.

 

[yellowdaisy]

Again, you dont “give up” a baby… you “give up” a smoking habit.

 

[momof8]

Again, you dont “give up” a baby… you “give up” a smoking habit.

I think we’ve established that the phrase “giving up a baby” is not equally offensive to everyone who has participated in the adoption process. “Placing” does have a gentler feeling to it, but your opinion of the phrase “giving up a baby” is not the only one.

 

[Trishie]

God bless you and help you dear. We’re all talking around you, with good wishes, at the moment,
but I hope you’re taking good care of yourself and trying to get rest when you can.
Getting stressed exacerbates morning sickness.
I found that having dry crackers by the bed to have two or three before getting up helped to quell the nausea sometimes.
You have a lot on your young shoulders, and face very difficult options.
Look after yourself sweetheart.
May God guide you and your protective young man.
In my prayers.

 

[sheilathebard]

sigh< This might just be the toughest situation I’ve ever heard of!

The one option I would not advise is getting married. You clearly have no reason to get married, aside from this baby, and just a baby is not really enough to found a marriage on. A priest will tell you this – the Church discourages people getting married in a hurry because of pregnancy. It’s a lifelong commitment that you don’t want to jump into just to “solve a problem.” Fidelity and permanence are hard enough for people who love each other and have a deep attraction and friendship – but people who just happened to end up in bed together? It would be well-nigh impossible, and not lead to a very stable home.

One possibility is for the mom to raise the child, and the dad to continue to stay in the picture, give support, and so forth. (I’d discuss with a priest whether living together, chastely, without getting married would be advisable.) The child has a mom and a dad, his real mom and dad, both involved in his life. He doesn’t have the advantage of having a mom and a dad who are married – but he at least does have them both present.

The other option is adoption. That’s just something to think and pray hard about. Like getting married, it’s a decision you don’t want to make in haste and repent at leisure. However, I certainly wouldn’t condemn you for making that choice.

Whatever you choose, I can see good is already coming out of this: you both are growing in maturity and learning to put your wishes second to the needs of this child. That is wonderful, and I know whatever you choose, if it’s for the good of the baby, God will bless you for it.

 

[Norseman82]

EXACTLY Norseman. And we can NOT assume that a 2 parent household is automatically “better” than staying with biological parents who so clearly love, desire and are able to care for, Baby.

Adoption doesnt mean a definate 2 parent household. Adoptive parents get divorced-- in fact I know SEVERAL couples who are now divorced who adopted. Adoptive parents die-- they get cancer, they lose jobs, the even end up in the same kinds of circumstances as some single mothers were to begin with.

Adoption is no guarantee of a stable, loving, 2 parent household!

Adoption is no guarantee of a stable, loving, 2 parent household!

And a newlywed husband might get hit with a 16-ton “ACME” anvil falling from the sky sometime in the next ten years, so why should he and his wife start a family? For crying out loud, LIFE ITSELF has no guarantees, so let’s drop the hysterical scare tactics and deal rationally with what we DO know at the moment.

First, the USCCB has a document stating that children need married parents:

usccb.org/laity/marriage/children.shtml

Now, as applies to this situation, they need to ponder the following:

The father either is gay, bi, or going through a “phase”. Can he be counted on to “get his act together” to be a successful husband? Or will he suffer a relapse to the gay lifestyle? Can he be counted on to stay? What type of role model will he be to the baby (and any other future children they may have)?

If they decide to place the baby for adoption, do they have a reputable agency to handle it? Can they find a loving, stable Catholic married family for the baby to grow up in? What will the legal arrangements be?

If she decides to raise the baby herself, or “co-parent”, what will the arrangements be? What will the legal implications be with the father? What will the custody arrangements be? If he is an active, practicing homosexual, will the child be exposed to that lifestyle when the child is in the father’s custody? Does she have family to help? Parents, siblings? Are they themselves married? Are there good Catholic male role models? What happens to the baby if she dies? Will the father then have sole custody? Is she counting on finding another guy to marry and take care of her and the baby? If that happens, how will that affect the custody and parenting arrangements? What added stress will that place on them?

Just some things to ponder based on what we DO know.

Also, if this has not been mentioned, both she and the baby should be tested for AIDS and any other STDs.

 

[yellowdaisy]

I think we’ve established that the phrase “giving up a baby” is not equally offensive to everyone who has participated in the adoption process. “Placing” does have a gentler feeling to it, but your opinion of the phrase “giving up a baby” is not the only one.

Of course my opinion isnt the only one. But why does that mean I am not entitled to state my opinion as many times as I deem necessary during this discussion? You are free to state your own as many times as you like-- in fact I encourage you to do so.

THATS THE POINT OF A DISCUSSION FORUM. TO DISCUSS.

The point bears repeating many MANY times-- we do not “give up” people. We “give up” bad habits and old clothes. My opinion is my opinion becuase I’ve met over a hundred people who have all shed tears about this phrase-- MOST of whom are adult adoptees. The opinion of adult adoptees is VASTLY underrepresented in adoption debate. And so, I will say in one MORE time–

We do NOT GIVE UP PEOPLE.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Of course my opinion isnt the only one. But why does that mean I am not entitled to state my opinion as many times as I deem necessary during this discussion? You are free to state your own as many times as you like-- in fact I encourage you to do so.

THATS THE POINT OF A DISCUSSION FORUM. TO DISCUSS.

The point bears repeating many MANY times-- we do not “give up” people. We “give up” bad habits and old clothes. My opinion is my opinion becuase I’ve met over a hundred people who have all shed tears about this phrase-- MOST of whom are adult adoptees. The opinion of adult adoptees is VASTLY underrepresented in adoption debate. And so, I will say in one MORE time–

We do NOT GIVE UP PEOPLE.

I feel (as an adult adoptee) that you are making unfair blanket statements when claiming to speak for the “majority” of us. Speak for yourself.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

I am the adoptive father of a 4 years old and we have two 2 year olds that are living with us that are in the process of adoption. We’re part of the Foster care system. We did not expect to adopt; we thought that we’d just take care of children for a while until the parents got their act together. We did not realize how many don’t get their act together. We have 7 biological childrne (mostly grown and out of the house) so we did not “need” a child; it just happened that she came and stayed and we’re all happy about it.

So, speaking as an Adoptive father, I can tell you that adoption is a loving gift that a birth mother can give to her child. The birth mother of our 4 year old voluntarily gave up her rights when it was clear that she could not kick her drug habit and get on mental health medication. It was the last gift she could give her daughter: the gift of a stable home and two loving parents. I respect her decision; we talk on the phone several times a month and I send pictures and videos. Our state is closed adoption, but we choose to share some things with the Birth mother. And, yes, she very much “gave her up”; we talk about that very thing often.

Our daughter is bi-racial, so she is different looking than the rest of us. We could never pretend she wasn’t adopted, so we don’t. We celebrate her adoption anniversary as “Her Name” Day and have a party. We talk about her Birth mother even now and tell her that her Birth mother loves her, but isn’t able to take care of her. It’s a healthy open discussion even at 4. Yes, our names are one her birth certificate as well, but we have life books about her that talk about her Birth mother and have things that her Birth mother wanted to tell her.

Adoption isn’t a dirty thing. It’s not something to hide. Adoption is what God does for us. He makes us His adopted children, brothers and sisters to Christ Jesus.

Adoption is part of human culture as long as culture has been recorded. It sticks becuase it works. Interesting note: In old Roman law a man could “divorce” his children and no longer accept them as his own - unless they were adopted. That was unchangable.

I’m in my mid 40’s, so like some people have said, I might not be around as long as a dad who is 25. That being said, I’m here now and our home is a place of love and safety for our girls.

 

[Rage]

I want to thank everyone for their replies and messages. We’ve spent the weekend discussing different options and we’ve worked some things out. We’ve talked to both our families, who are behind whatever we think would be best. Our priest has told us that ultimately it is only us who can make this decision, and that it has to be one we can both live with. So, although we aren’t completely abandoning the idea of adoption, it’s looking more and more like we are going to raise our baby. As for what is going to happen between us, only time will tell. We’ve agreed to put off discussing marriage for at least a few months. We’re going to try living together (as roommates, nothing more) and see how it plays out. Our main concerns for right now are just being friends, finishing the semester, and getting ready to be parents.

 

[yellowdaisy]

I feel (as an adult adoptee) that you are making unfair blanket statements when claiming to speak for the “majority” of us. Speak for yourself.

I speak for myself. My opinion, based upon the communities in which I have chosen to immerse myself.

You, speak for YOURSELF. If you have an opinion, you are always free to state it, as I have stated mine. Go right ahead…no one is stopping you! I encourage you most heartily to do so!

If you disagree-- if you find yourself ok with people saying that your mother “gave you up” or “gave you away” like an old hat, then SPEAK UP.

All I’m saying (and I’ll say it again!) is that this phrase is extremely offensive to the majority of people I’ve enountered who are a part of the adoption triad. You are now the second person I’ve enocuntered who has no issue with this phrase.

That’s 2…out of more than 100 adult adoptees. Including the one I’m married to.

So again, it’s great that you have an opinion-- TELL US WHAT IT IS instead of just trying to silence ME!

There’s nothing “unfair” about what I said. There’s nothing “unfair” about ANYBODY’S OPINION. Opinions are neither fair nor unfair by their very definition.

---

To the OP-- Rage I am overjoyed that you guys are finding a way to move forward as a family! I will be praying for your family, and praying fo ra healthy pregnancy and delivery! Babies are such a blessing-- motherhood is such a blessing! You have been blessed my friend!