I'm in a tough situation

[Lauds]

KEEP YOUR BABY, Things will work out. You have a good heart, if you adopt the baby out, You will regret it in years to come. Keep your family such as it is even now together, to know his biological parents & be raised by them. There are many couples who are married who have ssa, dont kid yourself, some of them have very good marriages indeed.If at all possible, dont adopt your baby out, whether You marry him or not. Good Luck!

 

[CountryMom27]

I too would consider the difficult choice of adoption. A marriage based on friendship but not love and adoration is a difficult one. My husband and I are soul mates - were married several years before our kids - and yet we struggle. It is exhuasting - not just kids but parents, life, house, work… I cannot imagine making it through this together if we were not soul mates.

Your baby deserves every chance - are you willing to give up your lives for this child? Are you willing to compromise on marriage for this child? Doesn’t the child deserve a parent who is fully committed to the child’s mother, who is certain of his sexuality. I should also say that I don’t believe that gay or lesbians can be “converted” for the rest of their lives, and I had a dear friend who was gay (and Catholic) who I thought about marrying because he was such a good friend. Thankfully the Lord redirected me there.

Could I make a suggestion?

Would you consider adoption for this child? There are so many heartbreaking situations that you read about in the papers when these situations turn into something you never would have dreamed of in the beginning. Think about what this could be like for your baby down the road. You live with a man with SSA. He is “coping” with the concept that he has to be celibate. Obviously he’s slipped in chastity with you, but what about in his life apart from you? How would you feel about raising your child with an active homosexual? It is simply not realistic for you to give up your desire for a true marriage, and probably other children, so that you can live as brother and sister with this young man. It is very, very unlikely that five or ten years from now you will be happy with that living arrangement. What are the chances that you would stay together? And then what would your child’s life be like? Weekend visitation with you while living with his or her father and his partner, or living with you and visitation with the father? Workable, but is that what you have always dreamed of for your children? Is it what would be most likely to give your child a stable, happy life?

This young man’s sense of responsibility is admirable. You and he want to do what is right for the life you and he have participated in creating. I’m suggesting that you consider whether what is right for this child is to allow him to be raised in a family with parents who are longing to add children to their Catholic marriage. By doing so, you may both be giving your baby what you really desire for him to have.

God bless you as you make plans for the life that God has entrusted to you!

 

[momof8]

I speak for myself. My opinion, based upon the communities in which I have chosen to immerse myself.

You, speak for YOURSELF. If you have an opinion, you are always free to state it, as I have stated mine. Go right ahead…no one is stopping you! I encourage you most heartily to do so!

If you disagree-- if you find yourself ok with people saying that your mother “gave you up” or “gave you away” like an old hat, then SPEAK UP.

All I’m saying (and I’ll say it again!) is that this phrase is extremely offensive to the majority of people I’ve enountered who are a part of the adoption triad. You are now the second person I’ve enocuntered who has no issue with this phrase.

That’s 2…out of more than 100 adult adoptees. Including the one I’m married to.

So again, it’s great that you have an opinion-- TELL US WHAT IT IS instead of just trying to silence ME!

There’s nothing “unfair” about what I said. There’s nothing “unfair” about ANYBODY’S OPINION. Opinions are neither fair nor unfair by their very definition.

---

To the OP-- Rage I am overjoyed that you guys are finding a way to move forward as a family! I will be praying for your family, and praying fo ra healthy pregnancy and delivery! Babies are such a blessing-- motherhood is such a blessing! You have been blessed my friend!

yellowdaisy, I’m afraid that I do have to speak up here. Perhaps you don’t realize that you come across as insisting (or, to use the type that you often prefer, INSISTING) that “gave a child up” must be corrected every single time it is used. It comes across to me that you are trying to silence (or again, to use your method of communicating, SILENCE) the use of a phrase that you, and people you know, do not like. I don’t think you realize how you are coming across. With the caps, and the bold, and repeatedly jumping on a phrase you and the people you know don’t like, it comes across to me that you are not just expressing your opinion. While you are so concerned about the possible offense of the people you know, perhaps you would care that it also offends me that because I might say “I gave up my child for adoption,” I am therefor saying that I, to quote you, “‘gave (her) away’ like an old hat”. That is extremely offensive and hurtful, yellowdaisy, far more than the phrase “gave up my child” is on its own. There is no comparison between the two expressions.

If, every time someone says “gave a child up for adoption” you wish to gently remind them by saying, “You know, that is really hurtful to some people,” that would be fine. But you instead say we “DON’T GIVE UP PEOPLE” (caps in your original). So that I don’t feel like you are discussing something, or expressing an opinon, but I feel rather that I am being bullied into only expressing myself in a way that you find acceptable. I would appreciate it if you would tone down the way you express your opinion, which can come across, even if you don’t realize it, as railroading over other people’s thoughts, which are as heartfelt as your own.

 

[momof8]

Rage, I wanted to send this in a separate message to be sure you’d see it - It’s good to hear that you’re doing well! God bless your families for taking the news so well.

Pregnancy is such a precious time! Enjoy!

 

[Sasha]

yellowdaisy, I’m afraid that I do have to speak up here. Perhaps you don’t realize that you come across as insisting (or, to use the type that you often prefer, INSISTING) that “gave a child up” must be corrected every single time it is used. It comes across to me that you are trying to silence (or again, to use your method of communicating, SILENCE) the use of a phrase that you, and people you know, do not like. I don’t think you realize how you are coming across. With the caps, and the bold, and repeatedly jumping on a phrase you and the people you know don’t like, it comes across to me that you are not just expressing your opinion. While you are so concerned about the possible offense of the people you know, perhaps you would care that it also offends me that because I might say “I gave up my child for adoption,” I am therefor saying that I, to quote you, “‘gave (her) away’ like an old hat”. That is extremely offensive and hurtful, yellowdaisy, far more than the phrase “gave up my child” is on its own. There is no comparison between the two expressions.

If, every time someone says “gave a child up for adoption” you wish to gently remind them by saying, “You know, that is really hurtful to some people,” that would be fine. But you instead say we “DON’T GIVE UP PEOPLE” (caps in your original). So that I don’t feel like you are discussing something, or expressing an opinon, but I feel rather that I am being bullied into only expressing myself in a way that you find acceptable. I would appreciate it if you would tone down the way you express your opinion, which can come across, even if you don’t realize it, as railroading over other people’s thoughts, which are as heartfelt as your own.

Very well put. Thank you.

I was going to post more, but honestly this thread has been derailed enough. Perhaps it’s worth starting a thread debating adoption, but I don’t think this thread is necessarily the place to do it. It should be about discussing the OP’s issue.

 

[Onedayatatime]

Praying for you. Once the baby is born you will know what the right decision is. My son is separated from his partner but has a beautiful 18 month old son who stays with him 3 days a week. Not ideal, but both parents love him, look after him and share him. Even if they could not marry as they are very incompatible.

God has a way of working things out, you both sound like smart young people at college, who are going to be earning a good living when your studies are done. Making the decision around the welfare of the child is a great blessing. I thank God that my son’s partner decided to have the child, and it’s not a ideal situation, but he is surrounded by love and wants for nothing.

Blessings on you both, your relationship and stay close to God and the Church in all this and you will be guided.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I am the adoptive father of a 4 years old and we have two 2 year olds that are living with us that are in the process of adoption. We’re part of the Foster care system. We did not expect to adopt; we thought that we’d just take care of children for a while until the parents got their act together. We did not realize how many don’t get their act together. We have 7 biological childrne (mostly grown and out of the house) so we did not “need” a child; it just happened that she came and stayed and we’re all happy about it.

So, speaking as an Adoptive father, I can tell you that adoption is a loving gift that a birth mother can give to her child. The birth mother of our 4 year old voluntarily gave up her rights when it was clear that she could not kick her drug habit and get on mental health medication. It was the last gift she could give her daughter: the gift of a stable home and two loving parents. I respect her decision; we talk on the phone several times a month and I send pictures and videos. Our state is closed adoption, but we choose to share some things with the Birth mother. And, yes, she very much “gave her up”; we talk about that very thing often.

Our daughter is bi-racial, so she is different looking than the rest of us. We could never pretend she wasn’t adopted, so we don’t. We celebrate her adoption anniversary as “Her Name” Day and have a party. We talk about her Birth mother even now and tell her that her Birth mother loves her, but isn’t able to take care of her. It’s a healthy open discussion even at 4. Yes, our names are one her birth certificate as well, but we have life books about her that talk about her Birth mother and have things that her Birth mother wanted to tell her.

**Adoption isn’t a dirty thing. It’s not something to hide. Adoption is what God does for us. He makes us His adopted children, brothers and sisters to Christ Jesus.

Adoption is part of human culture as long as culture has been recorded. It sticks becuase it works.** Interesting note: In old Roman law a man could “divorce” his children and no longer accept them as his own - unless they were adopted. That was unchangable.

I’m in my mid 40’s, so like some people have said, I might not be around as long as a dad who is 25. That being said, I’m here now and our home is a place of love and safety for our girls.

Thank you for these lovely sentiments.

I pray that God will bless you and your family, and your child’s biological mother as well.

 

[kage_ar]

I too would consider the difficult choice of adoption. A marriage based on friendship but not love and adoration is a difficult one. My husband and I are soul mates - were married several years before our kids - and yet we struggle. It is exhuasting - not just kids but parents, life, house, work… I cannot imagine making it through this together if we were not soul mates.

The term “soul mates” is contrary to Catholic teaching. Our “soul mate” is Christ, not another human being.

Marriage is based on sacrificial love and commitment - friendship comes much closer to the kind of love that makes marriages last than does fleeting emotion. Romantic love and adoration are nice, but, they are emotions and are subject to winds of change.

Thing is, friends don’t take advantage of each other, so, what we have here is neither friendship NOR romantic love.

 

[crazzeto]

My friend and I have been put into quite a situation. We went out with a bunch of our friends over a month ago, and both of us had way too much to drink. I don’t remember most of what happen that night, but I do remember waking up in bed with my friend. Both of us were completely horrified, and neither of us knows how we managed to get that drunk or how we ended up in his dorm, let alone his bed. Most of our friends had gotten pretty drunk too, so we just don’t know what happened.

Regardless, I just found out I’m pregnant. I know it’s his baby, because I was a virgin before that night, and he’s not denying that it’s his. The problem really isn’t the baby, I’m a pretty devout Catholic (I know this isn’t making me sound like one), and he is converting to Catholicism, so there is no question that I’m going to have the baby.

I’m glad you’re taking such a grown up view towards this unfortunate event in your life. It’s so sad and absolutly fustrating to read about people who view the pregancy as a “life time punishment” for “one little mistake”. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re not deluting your self like this.

The problem is there are a lot of little issues. The most pressing is that my friend happens to be gay. This pretty much negates us being able to get married, but he still really wants us to try and raise our baby together, even if it means living like brother and sister. I’m not sure how we could possibly make that work. He’s coping with understanding that as a gay Catholic he has to be celibate, but for me, I want to marry. I just think it would be very awkward for our child growing up in a household like that, especially since we’re both very young I’m 19 and he’s 21. I’ve considered allowing my parents to adopt our baby, but he really wants us to raise the baby. He’s really taken charge the last couple of days, he’s already looking for either a better job or at least a second job until he finishes his degree, and an apartment near our university. He tells me not to worry, that we can do this, and that he’ll take care of everything. I’m skeptical, I want to do right by my baby. I’m wondering what would be the proper thing to do in this situation, our baby would call us Mom and Dad, but we’d live like brother and sister…

Is he really gay? Born gay as they say? I just always find that kind of thing curious, in conjunction with “well yeah but this one time he had sex with me (a girl)…”. Anyway, I digress. The important part is this, if he intends to live this life style, then I see his solution as being highly problematic at the very best.

He’s going to be teaching your child one very mixed up view of sexuality, and it certainly isn’t going to mesh well with Catholic teachings. Now with regards to electing not to get married, that’s actually a good thing and at the very least my diocese discourages that. The reason is so called “shot gun weddings” are usually marred from the start. Neither person in the couple really wants to be there, you just have to be there in order to maintain a veneer of propriaty. Better to not be married, and only marry if indeed you have come to realize that God is calling the two of you together in this vocation.

Now I realize that your friend wants to be in this childs life, but I think it’s time right now to start making decessions about how you are going to form this childs religious education. I assume you want the child to be Catholic? And I hope you want the child to be a good Catholic as you have been (and continue to be). If this is the case, and it is the case that your friend intends to continue being homosexual then you’re going to have to find a way to address this. As I said earlier, you don’t want to be sending these kinds of mixed messages to your child, particularly at a young age.

Best of luck, and God bless.

 

[joandarc2008]

Wait a minute, the OP claimed she was a virgin before she fell into bed with her best friend - and now she needs a doctor to tell her when she conceived? Have you continued the sexual relationship since that first night?

OK biology lesson - 101 - actual physical conception does not happen the night/day you have sex. It happens when the sperm enters the egg - meiosis occurs, and the zygote implants into the endometrial lining of the uterus. This can take a couple of hours to 15 days depending on where in her cycle the woman was and how far down the the fallopian tube the egg had already traveled. One would need to know the EODC or estimated date of conception to know the estimated delivery date. Why is it so important for you to judge the sins of others - are you really that sinless?

 

[kage_ar]

OK biology lesson - 101 - actual physical conception does not happen the night/day you have sex. It happens when the sperm enters the egg - meiosis occurs, and the zygote implants into the endometrial lining of the uterus. This can take a couple of hours to 15 days depending on where in her cycle the woman was and how far down the the fallopian tube the egg had already traveled. One would need to know the EODC or estimated date of conception to know the estimated delivery date. Why is it so important for you to judge the sins of others - are you really that sinless?

Jump to conclusions much??

I know biology, it just seems odd that someone who has had intercourse one time in their lives would be interested to know when conception took place.

We are called to judge actions.

Please, show me where I said I was sinless?

 

[joandarc2008]

Jump to conclusions much??

I know biology, it just seems odd that someone who has had intercourse one time in their lives would be interested to know when conception took place.

We are called to judge actions.

Please, show me where I said I was sinless?

Right they might know when the action was that caused them to get pregnant but not when the actual conception took place. You implied you were sinless when you cast the stone that the OP lives a lifestyle of debauchery. It was Christ that said that he who is without sin cast the first stone or in your wierd messed up contextual sense where you forget that you only converted a couple of decades ago but want to pretend you are some kind of cradle Catholic that was born devout do you think that no longer applies to you?

 

[kage_ar]

Right they might know when the action was that caused them to get pregnant but not when the actual conception took place. You implied you were sinless when you cast the stone that the OP lives a lifestyle of debauchery. It was Christ that said that he who is without sin cast the first stone or in your wierd messed up contextual sense where you forget that you only converted a couple of decades ago but want to pretend you are some kind of cradle Catholic that was born devout do you think that no longer applies to you?

Wow - that is so off base that I will only say, best you don’t read my posts anymore. They upset you too much.

 

[joandarc2008]

Wow - that is so off base that I will only say, best you don’t read my posts anymore. They upset you too much.

Just giving you back a taste of your own poison - now I get to go back to being me - which I enjoy far more immensely.

 

[yellowdaisy]

yellowdaisy, I’m afraid that I do have to speak up here. Perhaps you don’t realize that you come across as insisting (or, to use the type that you often prefer, INSISTING) that “gave a child up” must be corrected every single time it is used. It comes across to me that you are trying to silence (or again, to use your method of communicating, SILENCE) the use of a phrase that you, and people you know, do not like. I don’t think you realize how you are coming across. With the caps, and the bold, and repeatedly jumping on a phrase you and the people you know don’t like, it comes across to me that you are not just expressing your opinion. While you are so concerned about the possible offense of the people you know, perhaps you would care that it also offends me that because I might say “I gave up my child for adoption,” I am therefor saying that I, to quote you, “‘gave (her) away’ like an old hat”. That is extremely offensive and hurtful, yellowdaisy, far more than the phrase “gave up my child” is on its own. There is no comparison between the two expressions.

If, every time someone says “gave a child up for adoption” you wish to gently remind them by saying, “You know, that is really hurtful to some people,” that would be fine. But you instead say we “DON’T GIVE UP PEOPLE” (caps in your original). So that I don’t feel like you are discussing something, or expressing an opinon, but I feel rather that I am being bullied into only expressing myself in a way that you find acceptable. I would appreciate it if you would tone down the way you express your opinion, which can come across, even if you don’t realize it, as railroading over other people’s thoughts, which are as heartfelt as your own.

It’s a passionate, important, life changing topic. I speak about it passionately. I’m quite certain you speak about other topics with the same fervor. It is not bullying people to discuss something passionately. How do I bully you? Am I physically intmidating you by having a passionate opinion!?

I’m sorry you’re hurt by what I posted-- I find myself hurt, and actually weeping, by several of the posts on this thread claiming adoption is the “best” option here. A little peice of my cries for my daughter every single time someone uses the phrase “gave away for adoption”. No one “gave away” my daughter. No one “gave away” my husband.

My opinion hurts you somehow? The overwhelming ignorance about adoption demonstrated on these boards hurts me. And I can’t control that-- I can only control what I do about it. What I do about it is educate people when I can. What I do about it make CERTAIN that young women are not pressured into placing their children unnecessarily. What I do about it is speak with passion.

If my opinion hurts you, I would encuorage you to do the same. And I’m glad you did, in the post quoted above. It made you feel better/productive to do so, did it not? Keep discussing-- only through open, honest, PASSIONATE discussion can we learn anything about another person’s point of view.

Continuing In Passionate Adoption Discussion–
Kristy

 

[joandarc2008]

Personally the decision has to be the OP’s. She is the only one who is there who can know what it is right in the end for the child and what her intentions are. My only advice is to talk to a priest and to make the decision based on love and not what nameless faceless people on a forum tell you. Please do not anyone take what I have said against adoption. Adoption can be a very beautiful thing- it just was not in the experience of my step daughter. It was manipulated. That was all I was trying to avoid was someone being pushed into something. Things are done out of love when they are done of free will.

 

[jrabs]

I want to thank everyone for their replies and messages. We’ve spent the weekend discussing different options and we’ve worked some things out. We’ve talked to both our families, who are behind whatever we think would be best. Our priest has told us that ultimately it is only us who can make this decision, and that it has to be one we can both live with. So, although we aren’t completely abandoning the idea of adoption, it’s looking more and more like we are going to raise our baby. As for what is going to happen between us, only time will tell. We’ve agreed to put off discussing marriage for at least a few months. We’re going to try living together (as roommates, nothing more) and see how it plays out. Our main concerns for right now are just being friends, finishing the semester, and getting ready to be parents.

Rage - please pay NO MIND to those posts that are continuing to battle amongst themselves.

We should be focusing on you. Thank you for the update. I will pray for you to remain strong and healthy. It is wonderful that you two are discussing things with your priest.

If raising the baby is what you decide, may God Bless you every step of the way.

 

[kib]

Hi Yellowdaisy, I said “give up for adoption” because that phrase is commonly used in our society. I’m sorry you find it offensive, I have never hear anyone object to it. I don’t think anyone on this site feels that children can be given up like a hat or another object. What would be a more appropriate phrase? This is a sensitive topic, but I think if you try to have a more charitable attitude and give some friendly constructive criticism, it will probably have a more positive impact.

 

[kib]

I want to thank everyone for their replies and messages. We’ve spent the weekend discussing different options and we’ve worked some things out. We’ve talked to both our families, who are behind whatever we think would be best. Our priest has told us that ultimately it is only us who can make this decision, and that it has to be one we can both live with. So, although we aren’t completely abandoning the idea of adoption, it’s looking more and more like we are going to raise our baby. As for what is going to happen between us, only time will tell. We’ve agreed to put off discussing marriage for at least a few months. We’re going to try living together (as roommates, nothing more) and see how it plays out. Our main concerns for right now are just being friends, finishing the semester, and getting ready to be parents.

Rage, it sounds like the two of you are handling the situation well. Your baby will be a wonderful blessing for either you and your friend, or future adoptive parents. Keep in close contact with your priest. God bless.

 

[joandarc2008]

Rage, it sounds like the two of you are handling the situation well. Your baby will be a wonderful blessing for either you and your friend, or future adoptive parents. Keep in close contact with your priest. God bless.

It sounds like you two are doing the best thing you can - talking to your priest and taking things one step at a time. Best of luck to you.