I'm in love and that's the problem

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Be careful here, Guard your heart and avoid the the temptation of sin. This line, once crossed cannot be undone.

Total fidelity. That means total. Imagine your beloved wifes face reading the words you have written here, feel the pain if it were her writing them about another man. This cannot continue another day.

Every second that you think about your TA you must turn your thoughts to your wife. The plant you water is the one that will grow.

My prayers are with you that you may resist this temptation. What God has joined together no man (or woman) must put asunder.
 
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Peace-bwu:
Aside from not telling the wife something that would hurt her and probably cause more problems in the marriage, there should be no emotional relationship that must be kept “secret.” If there is a continued friendship that must be hidden that is a different story.
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I agree. Never lie to your wife, but again, be discerning on what you tell her. You know her better than the rest of us. As for myself. I’d tell her if it came up, but not until then.
 
Stop fantasizing about you holding her or her being in your presence. This is the first problem. Stop imagining it. Again, STOP imagining it. This is the first part of the problem. I’m telling you this because when I stopped imagining things siminlar to this, my life became a lot easier. You are tempted to sin because you are allowing yourself to imagine these thoughts. Rebuke those thoughts as soon as you get tempted to think them.

Second, pray for the grace to stop imagining these thoughts. Ask God with sincerity (God knows the extent of our sincerity) to help you fight your thoughts. WILL to pray this. REally, WILL it.

Third, remember that she is your sister. Whenever you are around her imagine that she is your sister. Now, would you think the same things about your sister; would’t that be incest? Talk to her as though she were your sister. YOu may want to watch the way you speak, it makes a big difference. Anyone who is not your wife, is your sister. Think about this. And absorb it. She is your sister.

Fourth, look down. No really, look down. Whenever I go somewhere, if I know that I can be tempted, I look down. When I know I can be tempted, I do not make too much eye contact. Unless you can truly absorb that someone is you SISTER, then try not to make too much eye contact and be careful with the way you speak to her.
I’m sorry if I sound very to the point, but I’ve suffered terribly with this and I am telling you something sincerely and with experience.

-Alison
 
Confused2.
You have to get yourself out of that situation with the TA. you made a commitment. Also you are human. It happens. But don’t mess up what you have worked for all your life. Unless of course your wife is beating you or soemthing. Just go to confession and get away from that situation. Why keep touching the hot stove?
God bless,
Jon
 
Hello Confused2

Mate, God bless you. You have shown great courage and humility! You know all the answers - you’ve been given such great advice by many here already - all I want to say is just hang in there mate! You’re not alone. Jesus loves you beyond all measure and He knows and understands what you’re going through. Did He not also suffer temptation?

Know that there are saints in heaven encouraging you on all the tme!

I may advise you to try Christopher West’s Winning the battle for sexual purity at christopherwest.com/item.asp?CategoryID=9 - this guy is really awesome and a tremendous gift to the Church.

Pray for me brother as I will for you.

Till next time.

E from Oz.
 
My husband and I celebrated our 28th anniversary this year. It’s been an interesting journey from 22-50. We’ve been through a lot and seen our friends go through a lot along the way. Some survived, some didn’t. Some divorced only to remarry their original spouses down the road. Some divorced and wished they hadn’t over just the same root situation you’ve described. A couple of tips to keep your marriage healthy and get it back on the right road if it’s not:
  1. Never, ever, EVER put anyone else, particularly of the opposite sex over your spouse. EVER. Whether you feel like it or not at the time. No matter how good friends you are. Marriage is a special relationship and it must be guarded and treated as such. And your spouse needs to know and trust that there is no one in the world more important to you than they are.
  2. Never allow anyone, particularly a committed person of the opposite sex, to bring their marital woes to you. Gently, lovingly suggest that this is a matter best taken up with their mother, their priest, their minister, their rabbi, but NOT you. Many an affair has begun as the innocent offering of comfort. Offer your sincere regret that they’re having difficulty and offer your prayers, but the details are none of your business. Either they will blame you for the breakup or they will make up and be embarrassed or angry that you know their secrets.
  3. When you start thinking about your coworkers attributes, remind yourself of everything you love about your wife. Those feelings will bear the fruit of acting more lovingly toward your wife and the rewards to your marriage will be great. If you can’t think of anything, ask God to remind you. He will. Ask him to open your eyes and your heart to be the spouse you should be. He will. Every time.
In this disposable society where it is believed that marriage cannot last, know that it can, and know that it’s worth the effort.
 
jonfan said:
Confused2.
You have to get yourself out of that situation with the TA. you made a commitment. Also you are human. It happens. But don’t mess up what you have worked for all your life. Unless of course your wife is beating you or soemthing. Just go to confession and get away from that situation. Why keep touching the hot stove?
God bless,
Jon
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Funny you should ask. I requested a transfer because “I want to try another grade level.” My request was granted and my TA took over the class. I’m happy she stepped up. The first time I saw her after the summer break, I remember saying to myself, “What a good friend.” and nothing more. I will always love her as a sister in Christ, but that’s about the extent of it.

THANK YOU to all who helped me through this.
Peace,
Confused2
 
If you haven’t, you should confess the sin of fantasizing/daydreaming about her holding you. That is a sin and needs to be confessed. Just b/c you’re away from this woman doesn’t mean that you should feel you’re scot free. Please, try to learn from this situation and recognize where your weakness lies. Having been involved in an affair, the line is blurry and if you do not recognize how you crossed the line and gave into temptation (by fantasizing about her) you may fall into this sin again.
 
confused2 said:
Funny you should ask. I requested a transfer because “I want to try another grade level.” My request was granted and my TA took over the class. I’m happy she stepped up. The first time I saw her after the summer break, I remember saying to myself, “What a good friend.” and nothing more. I will always love her as a sister in Christ, but that’s about the extent of it.

THANK YOU to all who helped me through this.
Peace,
Confused2
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I just clicked on the “unsubscribe from this thread” link in my e-mail, which – as you know – brings you to the thread. For some reason I decided to read the last post (haven’t followed this for months) and saw your message.

God bless you: go to Mass and thank God for this wonderful blessing.
 
confused2 said:
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.

Maybe it’s all in my mind…

Although I do know what mercygate is talking about. There have been no inappropriate actions, flirts, gestures, comments, e-mails, phone calls, etc. If you watch us together it would look like a normal friendship, like with a sister; and I’m happy that she is happy with her family; and I am in love with my wife and family too.
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You should sever all contact with this woman… It is never appropriate to have a relationship with any other woman other than your wife, except for relatives. You should only have same sex relationships when it comes to friendship.Otherwise you are only playing with fire and it is not respectful to your wife.
 
snoopy said:
You should only have same sex relationships when it comes to friendship.Otherwise you are only playing with fire and it is not respectful to your wife.
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My boss is a woman and she is my friend. Should I change my job? My wife and I have friends over and we are friends. Should we cut off all contact? My neighbor is a woman, in fact she drives my daughter to school. Do I cut off contact with her?

Dude, move back to to Iran…Men and woman can be friends today…as long as they are only friends. I have lots of friens of both genders and do not have a problem.
 
I can understand where snoopy is coming from. However, I think there is a bit more to it which snoopy did not cover.

In principle, it is dangerous for a married person to have a friend from the opposite sex if the spouse(s) are not involved. My wife and I do have many couple friends as well as single friends and we cherish their friendships greatly. They key here is that they are OUR friends, not MY friends or HER friends only - i.e. we spend time together as couples. Most of these friends go to the same Mass and we are all in the same life stage.

Certainly it would be ludicrous to sever these friendships since they involve interaction between members of the opposite sex. In fact we rely greatly on these friends as we are immigrants and have no family in this country.

My wife and I intuitively know that it would be stepping onto thin ice if say we went for coffee with one of these friends of the opposite sex alone. It is inappropriate indeed.

Having said that, I also have a life long female friend (35yrs) I have known since my early childhood. We have always been good friends and cherish each others friendship greatly. We do live on separate continents now which I suppose makes it less threatening. My wife understands and has no problem with it - in fact she now shares in the friendship. If this friend were to live next door I would ensure that my wife is involved in our friendship as well.

Bottomline is that my wife is my best friend.

dhgray - I hope this sheds some more light on what snoopy was driving at. I agree with you that there is no need to sever a relationship just because it is with the opposite sex but I think you can appreciate the boundaries that need to be set.

God bless you all, from the land of Oz.
 
This was a very sad thread.

I can imagine being the portly wife coming across this…and I begin to wonder if he has the same sort of thoughts about me…

…if he daydreams about holding me.

…if he “just enjoys” being my company

…if he misses me “when we are not together.”

Very sad. I’m shocked that this man did not speak to his superiors to have these two separated. It’s a conflict of interest and a distraction to their job – that could have been good grounds to have separate classes, etc.

Confession for grace and strength to do it…then get it done and over with.

Look, it’s been a year already…and still this problem.

You’re poor wife.
 
P.S. This woman should not be your “best friend.”

You may think she’s your best friend, but you don’t really know her – nothing outside the classroom, right?

…but if you insist that you are best friends, then I can only assume that you’ve spent a lot of time accumulating all sorts of bits of information to cultivate this “friendship.”

Sounds like a lot of wasted time, to me. Time that shoulda been spent giving your wife a phone call and asking her what she’s been up to…that you’ve been thinking about her…and that you miss her and can’t wait to be in her presence again.
 
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