Thank you. I am going on the 4th anniversary of my baptism into the Church. Prior to that, I studied several different religions and then eventually turned to the world. I was not an atheist, because, being too honest, I could not deny the existence of God - it takes a lot of faith to not believe that He even exists.
Years later, He, through the power of the Holy Spirit, brought me here to the Church.
In RCIA, I read all the materials, asked lots of questions, prayed, and double-checked the materials with Holy Scripture. It was my choice to be in RCIA but, having been raised anti-Catholic (adamantly, overtly) for the first 50 years of my life, I wanted to go in with my eyes wide opened. I hungered for Truth.
The evening of my Baptism is still fresh in my memory; how happy I felt. Looking back over the short time I have been a member, I must admit that I was wearing blinders to certain realities within the Church. Eventually, they were torn off.
For instance, when my roommate started sleeping with her boyfriend every night, I eventually begged her to stay home; it wasn’t easy to do this but as a sister in Christ I was obligated. Her behavior was stumbling a lot of believers. She told me it was none of my business. At the time we were both working in a private Catholic school; we publicly signed contracts that we would live by the tenets of the Church. Other people got involved, nd made me look like the bad guy - these were members who had positions of power and used it wrongly. Boy did that sting.
Finally, as a single and new Catholic, and having just learned about Sacramental marriage, I began thinking about how wonderful it would be to find someone who really believes and wants to love and help another in their quest for Christ. Of the few I dated, I was so turned off because they did not treat me any differently than the men in the world.
So, why share all this, especially since I do not know what it actually is that has soured you to the Faith? Well, I still believe you to be my brother, and I, like so many here, are trying to keep you safe within the Fold where we seek only to hear the Voice of the Good Shepherd and to follow Him.
You will find lots of things to disagree with, I am sure, particularly with our brothers and sisters (including me!). But if you disagree and see that even our Lord Himself disagrees, you are on the right path.
One final thought, remember the parable of the seeds that Jesus tells us in Holy Scripture? Read Luke 8. 4-15. I see myself having experienced all of those different kinds of soils as a seed. But now, I know that I am in the good soil.
By the way, I am a gardener; it’s HARD work and oh, so rewarding. In reference to the parable, thorns and rocks can be removed; the dry places can receive extra water. Soil can be amended with all kinds of good nutrients and materials. God did that for me. I called out, “Jesus, help me!” He did.
You no longer believe the Church to be true. How tumultuous a state to be in. I am incredibly sorry. I hope you have taken your doubt and placed it before God and asked Him to help you in your unbelief.
May He bless you richly and may His Grace rain down on you.