I'm so hurt. Dh is looking at porn again.

  • Thread starter Thread starter kittery
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

kittery

Guest
I feel so deflated and hurt by my discovery that my husband has been looking at porn again on the computer. He’s been looking while I’m gone doing my cooperative work experience (unpaid) this summer before I enter into my second year of nursing school. I’m doing 12 hour shifts and while I’m out of the home trying to “brighten our future”, he’s home lusting on the internet. I am so angry, I don’t know what to do. Please help! The last time
I discovered this, he promised it wouldn’t happen again because he saw how much it hurt us. But here we are again (8 months later). I’m considering a time of separation right now. He was looking at porn while he was
SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF OUR CHILDREN!!! :mad: :crying: :banghead: :dts:

We’ve had a lot of emptiness in our marriage the past few years and this is a serious blow to my heart. I’m wretching inside right now.
 
This is truly a difficult situation. First let me say that you have my prayers, as well as the prayers of others here on CA.

Secondly, this may be difficult for him as well. I’ve read about situations where guys look at pornography out of habit. Its an addiction that they try to get out of. Especially when it hurts their relationships with others. However, temptation does indeed come along and knocks down that seemingly solid defense he put up against it.
I don’t know if your husband is having this same problem, but is seems likely since he promised he’d give it up.
Any sin will pull you back in once you try to push it away. You can’t blame him unless he deliberately puts himself into positions where he’s tempted.
I assume that if there is an unhealthy addiction involved (a remnant from less holy times) this lessens the culpability for the individual. However, this does not mean that its OK.

I suggest actively helping him. If he’s willing to overcome this, sometimes its hard to do it on his own. Perhaps have someone check up on him every now and then while you’re gone, or give him something important to do besides watching the kids. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop and the devil knows that once your husbad is bored and has nothing to do, it’ll be easier for him to win.
Add in some prayer-time and frequent visits in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and this will pass.

:gopray:praying 4 U
 
I’m sorry kittery:( …Have you tried seeking out counseling for you both to attend, and also for him to go to on his own? Once someone has an addiction, he/she needs professional help to get to the root cause of that behavior.I don’t have personal experience with this, but I remember a good friend of mine back in PA, who said that her husband grappled with this from time to time. They sought counseling, and it really helped him to not only kick his habit, but to see how it was affecting him as a dad…as a role model…and his relationship with God. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is best, but I was just curious if any counseling has been looked into?
 
I’m so sorry you are so hurt, and I will pray for you and your husband.

Have you ever seen this site? It’s an excellent resource for anyone trying to overcome a pornography addiction.
 
Remember, this is a spiritual battle. Is your husband Catholic? Will he make an appointment to meet with your Priest?
 
I believe I’d get rid of the internet or the computer if my husband had a problem with pornography. Especially if there’s a chance one of my children could be exposed.
 
Belgarion said:
This is truly a difficult situation. First let me say that you have my prayers, as well as the prayers of others here on CA.

Secondly, this may be difficult for him as well. I’ve read about situations where guys look at pornography out of habit. Its an addiction that they try to get out of. Especially when it hurts their relationships with others. However, temptation does indeed come along and knocks down that seemingly solid defense he put up against it.
I don’t know if your husband is having this same problem, but is seems likely since he promised he’d give it up.
Any sin will pull you back in once you try to push it away. You can’t blame him unless he deliberately puts himself into positions where he’s tempted.
I assume that if there is an unhealthy addiction involved (a remnant from less holy times) this lessens the culpability for the individual. However, this does not mean that its OK.

I suggest actively helping him. If he’s willing to overcome this, sometimes its hard to do it on his own. Perhaps have someone check up on him every now and then while you’re gone, or give him something important to do besides watching the kids. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop and the devil knows that once your husbad is bored and has nothing to do, it’ll be easier for him to win.
Add in some prayer-time and frequent visits in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, and this will pass.

:gopray:praying 4 U
Click to expand...
Set up a live camera in front of the computer so you can monitor the situation. People who say they can’t control themselves seem to be able to control themselves when they are being watched. 👍
 
Are you mad and hurt because he’s doing it to get at you, or because he’s just plain addicted?
 
It definitely sounds like he has a problem. He could have a porn addiction, or it could be depression (and he is using the porn to help him feel better, similar to the way other people drink or use drugs when depressed). I think he definitely needs to seek the help of a qualified professional. If he is Catholic, then have him talk to a priest and get help from a therapist (just talking to a priest is not going to help him). I wouldn’t leave him right away, at least give him time to show you that he is really trying to stop, otherwise it might make things worse (especially if it is a depression thing). If you can cancel the internet, do that, if not, try to buy some software that would make it harder for him to access the porn sites. There are also many websites devoted to porn addiction and getting help for it. Maybe you could find some resources there (for both of you, not just him).
 
kind_bean said:
If you can cancel the internet, do that, if not, try to buy some software that would make it harder for him to access the porn sites.
Click to expand...
I agree, or maybe set up the computer so you have the only password for access (if you need it for work/school)
 
I have always thought that if my husband cheated on me - through porn or some other woman - I would seperate from him. It might not be forever, but there would need to be serious consequenses like this. The person who is comitting adultery is hurting you and hurting the family and he needs to make a choice if he wants to be faithful. Use of porn creates a much more personal and painful wound on a relationship than does too many drinks a few times a year. Lets be honest about that and respect the fact that sex with other women - through pictures, prostitutes, movies or a co-worker - is adultery.
I have seen marriages where people who were being cheated on stuck out in the suffering and their spouse kept having new affairs, continued the relationship etc… until the spouse said: “Enough! This behaviour is not worthy of me and my family”.
I dont think you should give up on your husband. Just tell him that the computer has to go and that if this happens again you have to leave. for a while to give him some time to consider what he is doing.
 
A couple of things… you said he was suppose to be watching the kids. Were they awake? or young enough to be taking naps or something where he was safely hidden from them? If not or if what he was looking at were some kind of deviant (like pedo) images then you have a big problem and can skip the rest of the post. If not and it was just straight guy / girl stuff, read on…

Secondly how is your marriage? Is he attracted to you? What I’m getting at is this behavior, which is a mortal sin, a replacement for you because he isn’t attracted or is attracted, big difference. You two need to discuss that.

Thirdly, looking at porn isn’t the end of the world. There are a LOT of mortal sins which people do and everyone seems to overlook. Gossip can be a mortal sin? How many women sit around an gossip during the day… possibly even on this board? Yet we seem to only have threads like this when it’s “porn.”

The fact is that we have a sex charged society. Many men, even the most Christian men I know, fail at this from time to time. I do not know a single one of them that would consider replacing his wife with a fantasy. Most of these men aren’t the ones to physically cheat either. And truly most of the women I know don’t care… yup they don’t care. They do not take that verse in a literalist sense… I’m not sure we do as Catholics either. At least I don’t know anyone who dose except for the above poster… perhaps we should ask Fr. Serpa but I don’t see porn as adultery. There is no physical contact.

Truly, until I started posting here a year ago I only knew one woman, out of 37 years of life (and I know a lot of people), who got offended when she found out her husband had viewed porn. Many of these women are Christians too. No some are not, those who aren’t have their own porn collection… and I come from the conservative south mind you. When I say view I mean from time to time, not a $300 a month daily subscription or anything. There is no repentance when you have a 12 month contract…

Now all that being said, let me go back to the point. Why is he doing this? Is it because he thinks of you or someone else? That is the real question. Morally he is objectifying women and that’s wrong… He needs to talk with you and go to confession. But if he hasn’t looked at porn in 8 months, he isn’t addicted, he is just bored. 🙂 Talk about it… as adults, not like it’s the end of the world or your marriage. You can figure this out together.

Joe

PS - Just FYI though, he isn’t perfect and he will fail again, if not at this, at something else. Remember that a Sacramental Marriage isn’t 50/50… it’s 100/100. As humans we don’t always live up to that, focus on each other and TALK!
 
After I left the boards I thought about this some more… and I wanted to explain my point before the flames.

My point is this, looking at Porn is a Mortal Sin, treat it as such but don’t make it out to be something it’s not unless it’s truly an addiction.

I would never suggest disrupting a family because someone failed in regards to something so personal after 8 months. An affair in my mind, as in everyone I know, is something completely different.

In this situation my suggested response would not be to threaten to take the kids if he looks a porn again but rather say. “Honey I’m really proud that you did so well in resisting temptation for 8 months. Lets make sure we go to confession this week so you can talk to the Priest and then lets talk about how we work together to make sure it’s 12 months or never next time.”

Be positive, there is too much negativity in this world already. We as Christian couples need to always remember that. I say that because I fail at it all too often myself.

Sincerely,
Joe
 
jwashu said:
A couple of things… you said he was suppose to be watching the kids. Were they awake? or young enough to be taking naps or something where he was safely hidden from them? If not or if what he was looking at were some kind of deviant (like pedo) images then you have a big problem and can skip the rest of the post. If not and it was just straight guy / girl stuff, read on…

Secondly how is your marriage? Is he attracted to you? What I’m getting at is this behavior, which is a mortal sin, a replacement for you because he isn’t attracted or is attracted, big difference. You two need to discuss that.

Thirdly, looking at porn isn’t the end of the world. There are a LOT of mortal sins which people do and everyone seems to overlook. Gossip can be a mortal sin? How many women sit around an gossip during the day… possibly even on this board? Yet we seem to only have threads like this when it’s “porn.”

The fact is that we have a sex charged society. Many men, even the most Christian men I know, fail at this from time to time. I do not know a single one of them that would consider replacing his wife with a fantasy. Most of these men aren’t the ones to physically cheat either. And truly most of the women I know don’t care… yup they don’t care. They do not take that verse in a literalist sense… I’m not sure we do as Catholics either. At least I don’t know anyone who dose except for the above poster… perhaps we should ask Fr. Serpa but I don’t see porn as adultery. There is no physical contact.

Truly, until I started posting here a year ago I only knew one woman, out of 37 years of life (and I know a lot of people), who got offended when she found out her husband had viewed porn. Many of these women are Christians too. No some are not, those who aren’t have their own porn collection… and I come from the conservative south mind you. When I say view I mean from time to time, not a $300 a month daily subscription or anything. There is no repentance when you have a 12 month contract…

Now all that being said, let me go back to the point. Why is he doing this? Is it because he thinks of you or someone else? That is the real question. Morally he is objectifying women and that’s wrong… He needs to talk with you and go to confession. But if he hasn’t looked at porn in 8 months, he isn’t addicted, he is just bored. 🙂 Talk about it… as adults, not like it’s the end of the world or your marriage. You can figure this out together.

Joe

PS - Just FYI though, he isn’t perfect and he will fail again, if not at this, at something else. Remember that a Sacramental Marriage isn’t 50/50… it’s 100/100. As humans we don’t always live up to that, focus on each other and TALK!
Click to expand...
Very calm, sound advice. I admit that I was very worked up this afternoon when I posted and I thank you for taking the time to articulate your objective point of view.

My biggest fear is that he’s doing this because he’s not attracted to me, but how do I find that out for sure? If I ask him straight out, it’s not like he will just tell me, “No, I am not attracted to you.” Is this a reason that men look at porn? If it is, I don’t know how to remedy the situation.😊
 
One thing I’ve learnt over the years is that porn for men is not an emotional thing. Us women equate sex with love, so we see it as a personal intimite thing… men can seperate the two, it’s just lust and checking out butts for them. It’s not personal like it is for women.

That being said, you told him you didn’t want him doing it and he’s still doing it… that would be the thing that I would talk to him about. Tell him it hurts you and makes you feel like he doesn’t love you and you want it to stop.

If it doesn’t stop after that… then that’s an issue that needs dealing with.
 
It’s silly how the feminists assume that only men can lust and be interested in porn.
 
kittery said:
Very calm, sound advice. I admit that I was very worked up this afternoon when I posted and I thank you for taking the time to articulate your objective point of view.

My biggest fear is that he’s doing this because he’s not attracted to me, but how do I find that out for sure? If I ask him straight out, it’s not like he will just tell me, “No, I am not attracted to you.” Is this a reason that men look at porn? If it is, I don’t know how to remedy the situation.😊
Click to expand...
Kittery,
A husband should only have eyes for his wife. That is part of the problem with porn. It provides “alternatives.” Like romance novels, they can create imaginary relational targets that are not realistic. Me thinks your man needs some time with Christopher West on TOB.

The porn has got to go. Several programs exist to block it on computers. I suggest you get him the help he needs in that regard. And to protect your children. One wrong click and the pornographers can feed your computer porn even when you are not sitting in front of it!

PM me and I’ll send you some names of programs. I’ve got a really heavy filter on right now because of two teen aged boys in the house.

Hopefully it is just habit and not addiction. If he understood why it is wrong, he might quit. Most men don’t understand. I didn’t. But once I did, I never went back to it.
 
Larowyn said:
It’s silly how the feminists assume that only men can lust and be interested in porn.
Click to expand...
I think we should remember to be sensitive to the OP – she’s going through a world of hurt over her husband’s problem with pornography. This probably isn’t the best place for a discussion over viewing statistics. 😦
 
kittery my blood pressure goes up just reading your OP. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: !!!

Au revoir internet is all I can offer for advice because I don’t have anything else constructive to say about a man who looks at porn with children in the house.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top