I'm so hurt. Dh is looking at porn again.

[kittery]

It just seems like that would be treating him like a child. If you want to destroy his manhood, thats the way to go…Both of you should agree on an idea, not just restricting your husband from the computer. Does he think he has a problem?

I know from the last time I discovered his hidden addiction 8 months ago that he does think it’s a problem. He said that he was actually glad I came to him because he had been wanting to talk to me about it and get my help. I agree with you that just ripping the internet out of the house doesn’t fix the problem. If we talk about it and agree that “WE” should place filters on the computer in order to help him, that would be good. And I doubt he would disagree to something like this.

 

[kittery]

Even if the computer is removed, the images are still in his head, and the fantasy life is still there. He needs all the help he can get – and a lot of grace – to overcome this before it destroys their marriage. “Giving him the boot” will not solve the pornography problem, and it certainly won’t solve the marriage problem.

This thought really bothers me. Knowing that porn holds his interest means that those images are affecting his view of sexuality. And even if he stops looking for good, the images are still going to be there. Images of thousands of different women. When all I wanted was a husband who only had eyes for me.

 

[kittery]

No joke, I used to be addicted to shopping…as it numbed my anger towards things happening in my life. It actually hurt my marriage, believe it or not, because I was spending money out of control. Usually ‘addictions’ are ways to numb pain, anger, hurt…etc. I think a lot of men use porn in similiar ways. I don’t advocate it and wouldn’t tolerate it, either. But, excusing it as one poster suggested, is like excusing a child who might burn his/her hand on the stove. Why would you stand by and watch someone get hurt? Porn hurts its viewers, just as much as it hurts the viewer’s family. Sin is such an insidious thing…at first,it looks appealing, and like it will actually help you-but in the end, it ruins everything before you know it.

You and your husband are in my prayers kittery. I hope he agrees to counseling…and that your trust in your husband can one day, be restored. (soon!) ((hugs))

Thank you for your prayers and your understanding, your thoughts bring me hope. God Bless You.

 

[kittery]

Everyone messes up. Every single one of us has committed a mortal sin, and they all send you to hell. We can’t shun people for their faults- we’re human and therefore have a fallen nature. We’re to forgive 7 times or 77 times- and numerically 7 represents a wholeness, an infinity, and so we must always forgive.

None of us are clean without the Grace of God.

Lots of these posters also seem to underestimate human intelligence, love and compassion. Because someone falls it doesn’t mean we’re to leave. Our spouses soul and our soul are one until death. If part of your body was ill, you wouldn’t just leave it alone until it healed. You’d get medicine, you go to a doctor.

For spiritual illness, within yourself or your other half, go to a priest. Get a counselor. Pray to God who can do all things. We’re never given more than we can handle, in anything. If our spouse falls, we have the Grace to keep standing and help them up.

The Samaritan was the only one who stopped to help, the other righteous left him. You don’t leave people who are in pain, hurt and in need of Christ all by themselves.

It hurts, it’s painful. You feel like it’s a personal rejection, like you maybe did something wrong. But you didn’t. It’s their fault. It will become your fault if you don’t help.

Wow. Very profound words advocating for forgiveness. I think that the Holy Spirit helped you script this one. I will dwell on this. You’ve really touched on a big part of what I’m forgetting about, and that is what this vocation, marriage, is all about. Helping each other get to heaven.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

Wow. Very profound words advocating for forgiveness. I think that the Holy Spirit helped you script this one. I will dwell on this. You’ve really touched on a big part of what I’m forgetting about, and that is what this vocation, marriage, is all about. Helping each other get to heaven.

Thank you very much for the compliment. I do want to say that I understand that you’re angry and saddened by this situation. It’s perfectly alright, it is an angering and saddening place to be. No doubt your husband is just as angry at himself, and hates the situation just as much, in addition to being shamed and realizing he’s committed mortal sin.

What I wrote was to the person who wrote "He has shown that, objectively speaking, he has chosen porn over his family… I would ditch this no good so and so… " and that lot. It seems to me that forgiveness isn’t advocated as often on this forum as it should be. Many women write about boyfriends and husbands who made one mistake, and even apologized and swore to do better- and we’re rather quick to kill the accused. Or at least tell the woman to dump him, cancel the wedding or leave him.

I do very much believe in forgiving others, in giving people their second or third or seventy-seventh chance.

I do pray it works for the best, I will put you in my prayers. God Bless you

 

[onetimeposter]

Accountability programs are excellent and a filter is not required.

A Christian ministry against the porn industry offers two links to free software.

Don’t be alarmed by the name of the site, xxxchurch.com, it is a legit resource aimed at the porn problem.

xxxchurch.com/gethelp/teens/resources.html

Suggest to your husband that you install an accountability program. You sign up with an email address that only you have access to and only you have the password. You set the software up to email you every so often all of the web sites that the particular computer visited. Only you will see the log history.

To me, this is better than a filter, as all filters can be gotten around easily if someone knows what they are doing.

 

[surfinpure]

This thought really bothers me. Knowing that porn holds his interest means that those images are affecting his view of sexuality. And even if he stops looking for good, the images are still going to be there. Images of thousands of different women. When all I wanted was a husband who only had eyes for me.

This very thing hurt me for years, because even though my husband had broken his addiction to pornography, he still wrestled with all the images it had left in his head.

My heart goes out to you. The good news is that, although it may be a long and arduous process, a man can learn to control his thought life. My husband no longer struggles with those nagging pictures, or if he does, it’s a minor battle, because he is so far removed from the habit of lust. Your husband sounds like a decent man who loves his family, and with help, the sacraments, and lots of prayer, he may one day find he has much more control than he ever dreamed possible, and all these images may just be a small, distant, blurry thing in the far corner of his brain.

We have discovered** the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel is incredibly powerful** during moments of great temptation. All temptation is demonic, as is all addiction, and the spiritual front cannot be ignored. We must learn to guard our hearts and minds and put to great use the wonderful protectors our God has given us in the Blessed Mother, the Saints, and the Angels. And at this point, you too are under assault and need protection from all of the thoughts that attack a woman whose husband has been mentally unfaithful.

 

[ecp007]

This thought really bothers me. Knowing that porn holds his interest means that those images are affecting his view of sexuality. And even if he stops looking for good, the images are still going to be there. Images of thousands of different women. When all I wanted was a husband who only had eyes for me.

As a woman, I just have to respond here … I think that many times we as women are so fragile or insecure that we blow things out of proportion a little. I have an older brother, a very close open relationship with my husband, and many many male friends due to my career choice. I honestly don’t know any man who didn’t look at porn from time to time.

Now, an addiction (to anything) is a problem. But please focus on the problem, and fixing the problem and not get caught up in the emotional “I want a husband who only has eyes for me” . That line of thinking is just going to hurt you emotionally and will not let you and your husband move forward.

I like the approach of talking to your husband and congratulating him for staying away from porn for 8 months, and then talking to him about putting in filters on the computer. But honestly, if it only happens once every 8 months, its not that big a deal…lying is mortal sin, gossip, gluttony, all those things I may do more often than once every 8 months.

 

[distracted]

We can’t shun people for their faults- we’re human and therefore have a fallen nature. We’re to forgive 7 times or 77 times- and numerically 7 represents a wholeness, an infinity, and so we must always forgive.

.

I forgave someone years ago who threatened to kill me (threatened this several times… committed numerous crimes against me, and would have committed that one if he could have gotten away with it…).

Do i have to keep this dangerous person in my life just to prove (to judgmental-sounding people) that i have forgiven him…??

Don’t think so…

 

[distracted]

not get caught up in the emotional “I want a husband who only has eyes for me” . That line of thinking is just going to hurt you emotionally and will not let you and your husband move forward.

Well, i’m sorry but i believe that is the way a man should strive to be with his wife… “Be perfect as your father in Heaven is perfect”. God loves that wife as though she were his only child. Why should not her husband strive to do the same thing?? this society makes too many excuses for men’s bad behavior… and loose women (which is just about all of them these days…??) make it particularly difficult… If no woman ever slept with a married man, well, that would certainly help men to be faithful, wouldn’t it??

I like the approach of talking to your husband and congratulating him for staying away from porn for 8 months,

Oh please!!

and then talking to him about putting in filters on the computer. But honestly, if it only happens once every 8 months, its not that big a deal…

You obviously don’t care about this man’s eternal soul…

 

[kittery]

I think that many times we as women are so fragile or insecure that we blow things out of proportion a little.

So it’s my problem, not his?

Now, an addiction (to anything) is a problem. But please focus on the problem, and fixing the problem and not get caught up in the emotional “I want a husband who only has eyes for me” . That line of thinking is just going to hurt you emotionally and will not let you and your husband move forward.

What?? My emotions are going to keep my husband from moving forward?? If he loves me, my feelings should play a big part in helping to motivate him to stop this nasty habit.

But honestly, if it only happens once every 8 months, its not that big a deal.

So if your child only gets beat up on the playground once every 8 months, its not that big a deal? Sin doesn’t just affect the sinner. And to me, looking at porn is adultery committed in the mind.

 

[GraceDK]

Kittery, I totally agree with you.
As I see it, porn its adultery, nothing more and nothing less. Experiencing that every 8th months would in the long run totally ruin your marriage and your self esteem.

I dont like the fact that this tread turns into something where you are asked to be some kind of a counselor, a shoulder for your husband, some one who checks on him … as though all of this is part of Christlike forgiveness. You are is wife, not his counsellor. I believe strongly that a victim should be allowed to be a victim… and the victim in this case is you and unknowingly your children also.
Like… if your husband beat you up and people told you to help him through his anger management … then that would not be quite fair, but with porn some people demand the impossible of a woman… some kind of platonic detachment from the actual fact that her husband is cheating on her and making a choice to do so.

How is your husband doing now? is he as heart broken as you are? does he understand how utterly he has failed you, your children, and your marriage through his infidelity?

I think the contrition of his heart should be your key to discerning what to do… because our brothers and sisters are right: we all sin horribly in our lives. But do we turn from sin… do we understand what we have done?

And yes… your hope of an EXCLUSIVE relationship with your husband is not a silly romantic dream… Its the least you should expect from a spouse.

Peace to you.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I forgave someone years ago who threatened to kill me (threatened this several times… committed numerous crimes against me, and would have committed that one if he could have gotten away with it…).

Do i have to keep this dangerous person in my life just to prove (to judgmental-sounding people) that i have forgiven him…??

Don’t think so…

Being threatened physical harm is not the same. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and no there’s no need to stay with someone that harmful. I’m glad you severed contact and are alright.

But porn isn’t on the same level as a homicidal threat in regards to if should someone leave. If we didn’t keep contact with every sinner who we knew had at some point committed a mortal sin, well… we couldn’t even be in our own company.

There are couples who had gone through this and worked it out, and they are alright now.

and then talking to him about putting in filters on the computer. But honestly, if it only happens once every 8 months, its not that big a deal…

You obviously don’t care about this man’s eternal soul…

It’s a slip up. We’re not Once Damned, Always Damned. Going to Confession will immediately solve the problem of going to Hell. Or as the case may be, returning to the Grace of Christ.

Once in eight months for an addict is really good. It may be that he isn’t addicted, this was a genuine stumble.

And I’m going to sorta agree with ecp007. We are emotional and attach feelings to sex. Guys don’t always do that. They may not see the level of pain is causes, may not associate porn with adultery at all. And this isn’t a sexist remark, it’s biological

This is a bad situation, it’s a mess. And while venting on a forum helps, our advice is biased towards our experiences. Please do ask for help and prayers, but whatever we say may not be ‘right’ for your situation.

 

[curtishouse29]

I know from the last time I discovered his hidden addiction 8 months ago that he does think it’s a problem. He said that he was actually glad I came to him because he had been wanting to talk to me about it and get my help. I agree with you that just ripping the internet out of the house doesn’t fix the problem. If we talk about it and agree that “WE” should place filters on the computer in order to help him, that would be good. And I doubt he would disagree to something like this.

Good to know he isnt in denial about his problem. I’ll be praying for your whole family and for him to overcome his addiction.

 

[GraceDK]

Good to know he isnt in denial about his problem. I’ll be praying for your whole family and for him to overcome his addiction.

There is no indication in this case that the OP’s husband is dealing with an addiction.

 

[distracted]

So if your child only gets beat up on the playground once every 8 months, its not that big a deal?

excellent point - and some injuries take a long time to heal… The sainst say that More people end up in Hell over sexual sins than any others. It makes total sense because sexual actions are SO addictive…

Sin doesn’t just affect the sinner. And to me, looking at porn is adultery committed in the mind.

and it is also something worse… It is a doorway through which the devil and his demons glady go… to get a serious stronghold in your soul and life…

 

[distracted]

Being threatened physical harm is not the same. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and no there’s no need to stay with someone that harmful. I’m glad you severed contact and are alright.

i never said i thought it was the exact same thing… but you know, there are more ways to murder someone than just one… How would you feel if your spouse chose porn over normal sexual relations with you? Or wanted to have relations because she ws turned on by some guy in a porn movie?? Wouldn’t you feel a little “murdered”… or at least that your marriage had been threatened??

There are couples who had gone through this and worked it out, and they are alright now.

i never said it shouldn’t be worked out… but i myself would never live in the same house with a man (esp with children) who uses porn… I prefer not to live with the devil, thank you. Like i said, such htings opne the door to satan and all his foul demons… You can have that kind of thing in your life, your home - that’s your choice… but as for me… forget it…

It’s a slip up. We’re not Once Damned, Always Damned. Going to Confession will immediately solve the problem of going to Hell. Or as the case may be, returning to the Grace of Christ.

i don’t recall OP saying he went to confession… i don’t recall hearing her say that he has done much of anything… did i miss something??

Once in eight months for an addict is really good.

i also don’t recall her saying Once… Did he do it just once and then drop it like a hot potato? I definitely didn’t get that impression… Why wasn’t it HIS idea to block it on the i-net??

We are emotional and attach feelings to sex. Guys don’t always do that. They may not see the level of pain is causes, may not associate porn with adultery at all. And this isn’t a sexist remark, it’s biological

I thiink that is B - *&^h. And if there are no men out there who are NOT like that… if there are no men who have emotions connected to their sexuality… than i will definitely be single for the rest of my life…Yikes… Maybe the pope declines to grant dispensations to priests to marry… more becasue he wants to protect women than priests…

 

[distracted]

i’m getting tired of this double stand B - &%$ about how men don’t have feelings when it comes to sex… or they don’t ALWAYS connect emotions and sex. Well, for one thing, women can be like that also… It doesn’t mean that women are MADE that way… which is the implication when people speak of men’s sexuality… They say that men are Just “like that”… Well, of course they are 'like that" if they are the kind who cave in to society’s expectations that thye be “macho”… Well, to me, Macho means doing the right thing… being a faithful husband and good father. Any man who cares more about what secular society thinks about so called man-hood… more than he cares about living for God… & doing right is not worthy of a woman… even a “bad” woman…

this one guest on t he Johnny carson show yrs ago was supposed to have said that “The best man in the world isn’t worthy of the worst whore.”

I tend to agree…

 

[distracted]

another point:

I did some research on child sex abuse once… According to the statistics, little boys are just as affected by sex abuse as women… & they are just as adversely affected - EMOTIONALLY…

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

Distracted, could you be so kind as to not call B.S. on everything that isn’t your opinion?

I never gave a stereotype that included every man on the planet. I said that guys don’t always attach feelings to sex. I never said that they are coldhearted and have the physical inability to do so. I also used the word “may” as in, some of the time. They may not see the point, they may not understand. We’re in a culture that prides itself on open and free sex- mixed messages no doubt skew with the mind and with morality. Even of Catholics.

Some guys attach a great deal of meaning to a sexual relationship, others can sleep with three women in a night and leave before they wake up.

Growing up in the culture that was raised in homes whose parents were those in the midst of the sexual revolution, will mess with one’s morality. Growing up in a society of tolerance for all sins will skew with morality.

It seems you’re either to let everyone do as they wish, or to say they’re not good enough. Why must it be either way?

I don’t think this man is as bad as some of you seem to think. I know it is painful, but it is not the end of the entire world. God can forgive all sins and save us from Hell- we are made in the image of God and should act as He does and forgive as well. We are to Love the sinner and hate the sin.

I don’t understand how that is so hard for some.