In Law Issues & Pregnancy Hormones! Am I being uncharitable?

[Julia_Mae]

Oh yeah. And tell hubby to say this, “Mom, I know you are kidding, but quit calling my child YOUR baby. You had your baby, now I have mine. I’m serious, it makes me uncomfortable.”

He needs to take dad charge now and take the responsibility,. And like I said, if she gets offended, she will get over it. If she does it in front of you after that, say firmly and succinctly: “This is NOT your baby.”

Listen, all their lives we have to fight others who want to control our kids. That can include doctors and teachers all kinds of “experts” who want to tell us what’s best. ALWAYS go with your instinct and get your own information.

Start practicing now.

 

[dixieagle]

My mother had also offered to stay with us for as long as we needed. She had intended to also spend the night but we told her the same as my MIL that we didn’t really want sleepovers. She respected our wishes and offered to just come and help if we need. Her viewpoint is different from my MIL’s in that she only had my Dad’s help for both me & my brother. So she undersands we can do it on our own. My MIL had her mother’s help and really feels it’s necessary. I feel bad because if I could choose I’d prefer my mother’s help just because I’m closer with her but I don’t want to be unfair to MIL.

Your feelings are perfectly normal. My daughter had a baby last year, and we made it clear that we would do whatever they wanted. She had lots of questions to ask, and I did some cleaning and meals for them, but would not have presumed to move in for a week!

I think it is only normal that, just after you’ve given birth, you are more comfortable with YOUR mother around, no matter how close you are to MIL.

And I would not hesitate to say - in a joking manner, perhaps - “No, it’s OUR baby”, the next time she calls it “My baby.” It will get the point across.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

How true.

My MIL came over to help. She thought she would take a walk with the baby so I could clean and get stuff done.

My mom came over, put dinner in the crock pot, changed the sheets on the bed, washed a load of clothes, ran the vac and cleaned my toilets. :angel1:

My husband understood why I said, yes, my mom could stay a week but no, his mom couldn’t.

My MIL watered the plants. :yup:

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Thanks for all of the replies and advice. It makes me feel better knowing my feelings see rather normal. I guess it’s time for hubby and I to take a stand on things

 

[cmscms]

. And I feel SO selfish for it! I keep telling myself I should be happy that my baby is going to have wonderful grandparents who love and care about her but I feel so possessive over my baby already. Is this normal?! It’s totally not like me at all!

Although I have never had kids, I think it is TOTALLY normal. If anything it sounds like you now have ‘maternal instincts’. Whenever I see women with new babies and someone else is holding the baby, very often mom is keeping one eye on the baby at all times, out of the blue saying ‘I will hold the baby now’ or just down right paying attention to only the baby. Sadly, I actually have seen other moms just drop the baby on anyone to get rid of it and kind of felt bad for the baby. Especially when I barely knew the mom and she wanted me to comfort her kid

I remember one friend telling me (and this makes total sense to me), she resented peole coming over to see the newborn. She felt after a nine month pregancy, she just wanted some private family time with her husband and newborn. This is a VERY special blessing to your marriage. Too many people in the way IMO cheapens it

CM

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I can feel like this would be a HUGE thing for me! I know if I let my MIL come over to help, it wouldn’t be to do things like a little laundry or to cook us a hot meal but to take the baby and the thought of that drives me insane. And I feel SO selfish for it! I keep telling myself I should be happy that my baby is going to have wonderful grandparents who love and care about her but I feel so possessive over my baby already. Is this normal?! It’s totally not like me at all!

PLEASE do not feel bad for your red flag! YOU are normal, your MIL is setting off alarms because calling YOUR baby HERS is NOT NORMAL! Not in ANY WAY is this normal!!!

I cannot emphasize enough how creepy this is! How often is she saying this? Does she appear to even hear herself? Is she a boundary-violator in other ways? I would be EXTREMELY cautious with this woman from here on out. No one with normal boundaries calls her DIL’s baby “MY baby” unless there are some serious problems going on.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Although I have never had kids, I think it is TOTALLY normal. If anything it sounds like you now have ‘maternal instincts’. Whenever I see women with new babies and someone else is holding the baby, very often mom is keeping one eye on the baby at all times, out of the blue saying ‘I will hold the baby now’ or just down right paying attention to only the baby. Sadly, I actually have seen other moms just drop the baby on anyone to get rid of it and kind of felt bad for the baby. Especially when I barely knew the mom and she wanted me to comfort her kid

I remember one friend telling me (and this makes total sense to me), she resented peole coming over to see the newborn. She felt after a nine month pregancy, she just wanted some private family time with her husband and newborn. This is a VERY special blessing to your marriage. Too many people in the way IMO cheapens it

CM

ABSOLUTELY! You took the words out of my mouth. I feel like I’ve carried this sweet baby for so long and I’ve bonded with her so much that I feel an intense fear of her being ripped away from me, so to speak. I feel like its important for my husband to also get that time with her because the pregnancy experience is totally different for dads. Thanks for the reply!

 

[CajunsforChrist]

PLEASE do not feel bad for your red flag! YOU are normal, your MIL is setting off alarms because calling YOUR baby HERS is NOT NORMAL! Not in ANY WAY is this normal!!!

I cannot emphasize enough how creepy this is! How often is she saying this? Does she appear to even hear herself? Is she a boundary-violator in other ways? I would be EXTREMELY cautious with this woman from here on out. No one with normal boundaries calls her DIL’s baby “MY baby” unless there are some serious problems going on.

She’s not a huge boundary violator but it could be bc DH tends to put his foot down. And she backs off. I know if he wouldn’t she would completely violate our boundaries. She’s called the baby her baby enough times to creep both of us out lol. The last time she said it, I made the comment “She’s not your baby unless you wanna carry her.” her reply was “okay.” if that was even possible I know she would. Soooo weird. I’m convinced subtle suggestions aren’t going to work and DH is going to have to just politely tell her it makes us uncomfortable. We’ve also decided to sit both families down (although mine is understanding already) just to be fair and explain to them what our birth plan is for when we’re in the hospital and when it’s time to come home. That way there’s no surprises for anyone.

 

[Lacour]

Can I offer you just one more piece of advice from my own experience?

I would stop worrying so much about being “fair”. I wasted a lot of energy worrying about fairness with my first, but sometime with my second I decided to treat the families according to their actions, because really THAT is the fair thing to do (as opposed to treating them the same). Why should my parents be subjected to all the rules and lectures when they are respectful, supportive and loving towards my kids? Why should my in laws get the same privlages with my kids that my parents do even though they make little effort to see them and when they do undermine my authority?

And in the post delivery period, it’s perfectly natural that you may lean in your mom more. After all YOU had the baby. Let’s say you have a hard deliver (prayers to God that it’s fast and easy), you may decide you want your mom to spend the night to take care of you (after my 2nd c section I did want my mommy in that little kid kind of way). That does NOT mean you would automatically have to offer the same thing to your MIL. Y’all simply don’t have the same relationship. There just isn’t any substitute for a mom when you are feeling sick or insecure. Just my 2 cents.

 

[aicirt]

As a new Mom, I was very happy for any help my Mom could give which was over the first weekend because she worked. I could hardly walk after the birth and took awhile to recover. Couldn’t exactly run when the baby cried.
The second birth was great but with a 2 yr. old at home and an infant, I wanted the help. And then I had a complication leaving me flat on my back with no ability to lift anything, care for myself or either of the kids. I needed help and was very thankful for it. And it could not be my husband because he needed to work.

My cousin had her Mom stay for two weeks with the first child and was stunned when she saw her Mom’s luggage at the door. Mom was going home and she was on her own. She broke down in tears.

I do believe that a MIL or Mom helps best by taking care of the house and leaving baby to the new mother. But there’s a time to be generous and let her enjoy her grandchild too. Baby knows you are his Mother. And you might be glad if they volunteer for those 2 AM feedings or just rocking him so you can finally get some sleep.

Not all women are fortunate to have help. One friend came home to the house just the way she left it: dirty dishes in the sink, beds unmade etc. Not very considerate of her husband nor of her Mom. She put the baby in the crib and started cleaning.

My landlord had a party for us when we came home with our first. About 20 people were there to greet us and all stayed for dinner. It was wonderful even if I did have to sit on a donut. Ah, memories:thumbsup: And baby survived it.

 

[cmscms]

I do believe that a MIL or Mom helps best by taking care of the house and leaving baby to the new mother. But there’s a time to be generous and let her enjoy her grandchild too. Baby knows you are his Mother. And you might be glad if they volunteer for those 2 AM feedings or just rocking him so you can finally get some sleep.

My landlord had a party for us when we came home with our first. About 20 people were there to greet us and all stayed for dinner. It was wonderful even if I did have to sit on a donut. Ah, memories:thumbsup: And baby survived it.

I think you are overlooking a few things. Perhaps you have a different type of relationship with your mom than the OP has with her MIL. Some people are more open and other’s want more privacy. If you enojoyed the party from your landlord, awesome. But not everyone likes being in a big group get-together and sees it differently

CM

 

[aicirt]

I think you are overlooking a few things. Perhaps you have a different type of relationship with your mom than the OP has with her MIL. Some people are more open and other’s want more privacy. If you enojoyed the party from your landlord, awesome. But not everyone likes being in a big group get-together and sees it differently

CM

No, I don’t think so. Sometimes you just don’t get to have things as you want them and you roll with what is happening when it happens.

I had no idea that I would have difficulty moving after the birth (hence the donut). The second surprise with the second child was a blocked milk duct. The worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. Thank God I had relatives who wanted to help because I could do nothing.

My Mom actually redid her second bedroom into a nursery for the first. And we were scampering for furniture for his room at our house. So that didn’t give me warm fuzzies. I too had the feeling “Whose baby is this?” Nevertheless, she was a wonderful grandmother.

I had no problem trusting my MIL. I was disappointed they didn’t come visit us in the hospital but they were there when we got home and she did help. For that, I’ll be ever grateful.

What I hear is many young mothers marginalizing MILs. It hurts. And by that I mean not even letting the in-laws hold the baby. It is the husband’s parents too. And if he has no objections to the wife’s parents, I think the wife needs to do the same with his family.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

She’s not a huge boundary violator but it could be bc DH tends to put his foot down. And she backs off. I know if he wouldn’t she would completely violate our boundaries. She’s called the baby her baby enough times to creep both of us out lol. The last time she said it, I made the comment “She’s not your baby unless you wanna carry her.” her reply was “okay.” if that was even possible I know she would. Soooo weird. I’m convinced subtle suggestions aren’t going to work and DH is going to have to just politely tell her it makes us uncomfortable. We’ve also decided to sit both families down (although mine is understanding already) just to be fair and explain to them what our birth plan is for when we’re in the hospital and when it’s time to come home. That way there’s no surprises for anyone.

I am telling you that no normal person does this. This is a sign of some emotional problem or mental problem. There is just no scenario where a MIL would be calling a grandchild “my baby” and it be a normal relationship. It’s weird, it’s creepy, it bears watching. Don’t just dismiss it. It sets off your alarms because IT SHOULD.

 

[epan]

My DH and I have been married for what will be a year next month. We are currently expecting our first child sometime around the end of July/early August. We’re being faced with somewhat a bit of criticism from my DH’s parents about whether or not we’re capable of taking care of the baby ourselves the first few weeks after giving birth. I’m completely grateful that they’ve offered their help in case we need a little break from the baby; however, I can’t help but feel like they’re trying to convince us that it’s impossible to do on our own. I’m in no way naive enough to believe that having a baby is going to be a piece of cake. I just feel like their a little out of line because they keep trying to convince us that it’s pertinent to practically move in for the first week to help us. My DH has told them that he doesn’t feel comfortable with that idea because it will obviously take some adjusting for us once we come home from the hospital with the baby and having others staying with us (in our very small 2 bedroom apartment) seems a little crammed. They don’t seem to like that idea very much and are constantly trying to convince us otherwise. I think my feelings are also a little hurt because, I too have parents and it seems like my in-laws believe that only they should be entitled to come over and help. We’ve stated that if we do feel the need for help we will let anyone know when the time comes; however, it’s not something we’re planning for ahead of time. I’m praying about this constantly because I don’t want to be an uncharitable daughter-in-law. Am I just suffering from a crazy dose of pregnancy hormones?? I should add that this is their first grandchild so I know some of their expectations is probably coming from the excitement of being grandparents for the first time (sometimes in a weird way, like when my MIL calls the baby HER baby in this really weird way). Sorry for the long rant! Any advice/prayers would be appreciated!

This belief that others cannot care for themselves when they can do so, is often not healthy.

 

[misspriss]

I have no experience yet in the area (although hopefully very soon). My MIL is very excited about us having children, she only had DH and then had a lot of health problems and was never able to have another child, she always wanted more. My mother, I wish she could be there so badly, but she is very sick and will probably not make it 9 months if I got pregnant today, so I will be really depending on my MIL more than usual.

Luckily, my MIL cleans a lot. When I traveled for business, MIL would come over to visit DH and clean our house. I never minded because she didn’t get into our stuff or anything, just washed the dishes and stuff, but it was nice to come home to a clean house. I thanked DH for it, only to find out that it was MIL instead

I really hope that MIL will be a big help to us, because we are going to need it, especially me.

 

[papaececi]

I’ve never wanted anyone but my mom around after the birth of my babies. We told my FIL that delivery was rough and I needed recovery time before he could visit (my dad didn’t visit at first either).

People often aren’t every sensitive to the fact women need some privacy after childbirth. I breast-fed my kids and it is not easy at first and I didn’t want to have to hide out or struggle with it in front of any one I wasn’t comfortable with. You’ll probably want to wear your PJs and ice your chest when your milk comes in, even if you decide not to nurse. Talk to some women about their postpartum recovery and you’ll see what I mean (It’s nothing terrible, just not stuff you want to deal with when you have a male guest at your house) Maybe you could hint at this to your MIL. She’s probably forgotten what it was like.

I think etiquette and practicality dictate that the mom’s mother is first to visit and the dad’s family comes when appropriate.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

I think you are overlooking a few things. Perhaps you have a different type of relationship with your mom than the OP has with her MIL. Some people are more open and other’s want more privacy. If you enojoyed the party from your landlord, awesome. But not everyone likes being in a big group get-together and sees it differently

CM

I have to respectfully agree with cmscms. I do love my MIL very dearly, but the relationship I have with her and the relationship I have with my own mother are two totally different ones. But I must commend you on being able to enjoy the party you were thrown. That seems like such a sweet gesture that your landlord paid you and your husband. I tend to be more on the “please give me my privacy” side.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

No, I don’t think so. Sometimes you just don’t get to have things as you want them and you roll with what is happening when it happens.

I had no idea that I would have difficulty moving after the birth (hence the donut). The second surprise with the second child was a blocked milk duct. The worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. Thank God I had relatives who wanted to help because I could do nothing.

My Mom actually redid her second bedroom into a nursery for the first. And we were scampering for furniture for his room at our house. So that didn’t give me warm fuzzies. I too had the feeling “Whose baby is this?” Nevertheless, she was a wonderful grandmother.

I had no problem trusting my MIL. I was disappointed they didn’t come visit us in the hospital but they were there when we got home and she did help. For that, I’ll be ever grateful.

What I hear is many young mothers marginalizing MILs. It hurts. And by that I mean not even letting the in-laws hold the baby. It is the husband’s parents too. And if he has no objections to the wife’s parents, I think the wife needs to do the same with his family.

If I can be honest here, I do struggle with those feelings sometimes. However, I would never act on them. I am closer with my family, naturally; however, I would never not allow my in-laws to be a part of the baby’s life. I agree with you, that this is something people struggle with at times. I know in my case, it isn’t something intentional. I don’t want to make things difficult with them at all. It’s something I’ve been praying about consistently and have been working through.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

I am telling you that no normal person does this. This is a sign of some emotional problem or mental problem. There is just no scenario where a MIL would be calling a grandchild “my baby” and it be a normal relationship. It’s weird, it’s creepy, it bears watching. Don’t just dismiss it. It sets off your alarms because IT SHOULD.

Emotional problems, yes, you’re probably right. Mental, I’m not too sure about. She’s the oldest of 5 in her family so all their life she’s always been the dominant one if that makes sense. None of her siblings tend to tell her otherwise, but my husband does seem to shut down her remarks. Not something she expects I’m sure, but she at least doesn’t argue about it. It’s definitely something I will be keeping an eye on though. As you said, it’s setting off alarms because it should.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

I have no experience yet in the area (although hopefully very soon). My MIL is very excited about us having children, she only had DH and then had a lot of health problems and was never able to have another child, she always wanted more. My mother, I wish she could be there so badly, but she is very sick and will probably not make it 9 months if I got pregnant today, so I will be really depending on my MIL more than usual.

Luckily, my MIL cleans a lot. When I traveled for business, MIL would come over to visit DH and clean our house. I never minded because she didn’t get into our stuff or anything, just washed the dishes and stuff, but it was nice to come home to a clean house. I thanked DH for it, only to find out that it was MIL instead

I really hope that MIL will be a big help to us, because we are going to need it, especially me.

So sorry to hear about your Mom! I’ll say some prayers for her. I’m really glad that if you would happen to get pregnant, your MIL would be such a help to you. That’s such a wonderful blessing! Mine has trouble keeping up with her own housework, so I’m very intrigued as to how she expects to do mine. But then again, she could surprise me