Infertility

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Hello,

I’m new to this forum, but definitely glad I found it. It’s interesting to read how other couples are faring with this cross. My husband and I have been married and trying to conceive for three years. I currently haven’t had a period since I was 17 (10 years). My own personal theory is that I stopped having them since I was extremely stressed out after my mother died when I was 16. Recently I had an ulrasound and they told me that I might be in menopause and followed with some blood work. When we just had our appointment yesterday and they told me I was fine but I puzzled even the specialist! Small ovaries that would indicate menopause but which were covered in cysts which looked like PCOS. I don’t have any of the other symptoms of PCOS which is weird. I didn’t know if anyone else had ever had this type of problem. Apparently the next step is to try FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to try and get me to ovulate. I’m nervous about this because the doctor said that it could make it so that I ovulate numerous eggs-which would present an ethical situation. I guess they follow with ultrasounds to make sure that too many eggs aren’t released. Has anyone ever had this happen, and if so what were your results? My husband and I see this as our last resort to have children before we consider adoption. We are going to pray on this and hope for the best.
 
Kiwi11,

Welcome. My wife and I were at a slightly similar juncture 15 years ago. With consulation of the doctor, doses of ‘fertility’ drugs that were designed to restore normal ovary function were used. As was explained to us during our study of what is right versus wrong in this area, drugs that were conservatively selected and administered specifically to restore normal bodily functions (in this case, normal ovulation) were appropriate to use. Medicine should be designed to heal, that is what it is for.

In our case, the doses were relatively low, to avoid hyper-stimulation of the ovaries, and the resulting ethical dilemnas that can cause.

Our story is posted much earlier in this thread, but in the end, God’s plan was for us to be available for two very precious girls who came along when God sent them, and who needed us very, very much.

Dan Grelinger
 
Dan,

I just wanted to thank you for your response. I feel as though I have a long way to go, but I am beginning to understand the need to trust God and submit to His will. I don’t think I’ve ever been vulnerable before and I’ve never had to lean on anyone. Which I have to say has caused some arguments in my marriage from time to time. But between your recent response and the things I have been reading lately- God is pointing me towards one thing- TRUST! I’m finally seeing that I need to submit to God and let Him lead my husband and me! Its unbelievable how things can be so clear all of a sudden. It makes me sad to think its taken my whole life to realize that I try to control everything (including my husband)- and this suffering/infertility is out of my hands. Your response leaves me hopeful that one day we will have children even if they don’t come the way we anticipate. Thank you.

Kiwi11
 
I’m new at C.A. and I was attracted to the section on infertility since we have suffered infertility throughout our marriage. At this point I want to test the site since my long winded comment didn’t work yesterday. I’ll be back!!!
 
My husband and I endured many years of infertility. It was a very painful time in our lives and certainly added allot of strain on our marriage. I’m sure you all know about the many challenges. After 13 years of marriage we finally decided to adopt. By the time our first daughter arrived I was 35 and my husband was 37. Three years later we adopted another child. At age 48 and 50 we adopted our 3rd child who was almost 3 at the time. Don’t be afraid to adopt. Don’t worry about your ages. \

In Canada we have an organization called Childrens Aid. Those who qualify for adoption can do so without paying any fees. There are opportunities out there you have to be very prayerful and open to where God is calling you. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!! As all the angels were known to say…

My too biggest regrets… Not starting sooner so we could have more children. Not offering up my pain to God for conversions etc…during those painful years. Blessings to you all. Karen U.
 
Hello, I’m new to this forum and this thread. I just found this link and can’t wait to read up on it-and get to know you all-but just wanted to say hi first. Husband and I are Catholic and married in 09/08. Have wanted a baby so badly but no luck yet after 17 cycles. Just getting to the point where we are afraid it won’t happen naturally and getting so discouraged. Don’t fit into regular LTTTC forums because for the majority of women there, the next step is IUI or IVF.
Love and God Bless.
 
Just wanted to say that with Mother’s Day coming up that this next month, it will be painful for many families- and many tears shed at mass. Ok, so maybe thats just me- I’m a crier. But I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for all couples trying to bring a child into their lives, that God may support them and be with them.
 
Hi,
I never thought I’d be posting on an infertility thread but here I am! It’s only been 10 cycles but I’m 34 and my husband is 45. I just started charting my BBT 3 cycles ago and everything seems to be in synch. (I wasn’t charting before that but I believe I was still ovulating regularly, I get ovulation pain often so it’s easy to tell) I ovulate on day 14, ovulation test strips and my temp all confirm this. So I’m beginning to wonder if my husband is infertile. How do Catholic men get tested for infertility?? The only way I know of involves an act that is immoral. (?)
Any answers?

Thanks and Peace!! 🙂
 
LittleDeb said:
Yes, I have walked more than a mile in your shoes. For you to presume I haven’t, is very telling in your reply. I have no idea whether or not you were in a state of sin in using IVF. That is not my job. (You probably weren’t since you were given improper counsel, but again, not my place to know.) I am positive however, that IVF is an immoral act. Objectively speaking IVF is immoral. Opinion doesn’t change fact, but intent can lessen culpability.

As my wise father says, "There are two things we must examine; wrong acts and the state of personal sin. One we must judge, the other we cannot. ‘Judge not lest thee be judged’ has entirely to do with a judging the state of another’s soul. It has *nothing *to do with judging ***actions ***on the part of others and ourselves. To instruct the ignorant and admonish sinners are two of the spiritual works of mercy! I have been thankful in my life for those who instructed me in my ignorance and admonished me in my sinfulness. It has made me a better person.

I know the pain and heartache of infertility. I knew I was infertile for years and years before I married. I agonized over if I was even called to marriage. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but wasn’t so sure how I would do at the wife side of things. Would I forever resent being “only” a wife? Was I called to the religious life where I could have children in spirit, if not in flesh? Was it right to marry a man who said, now, that he was fine with never having children, but would those feelings change?

And oh the slaps in the face I received for my beliefs! At 23 and single, I was told to “have a baby or have a hysterectomy.” Twenty-three, and they were already telling me to go outside my faith. Doctors who claimed to be Catholic were willing to do anything just to, “put a baby in there.” The paths I went down in response were more painful than any others in my entire life. I fell into the pits of sin. I have repented of them all, but there are scars that stay.

But the light of Christ was always there. I found that the Church has always been consistent even if Her followers weren’t. I also found that Church teaching had a freedom that nothing else had to offer me. Instead of being limited by Church teaching, I found I was healed. It didn’t mean I could suddenly conceive, but it meant that I fully understood my role as a wife independently of my role as a mother. My infertility prepared me more fully for marriage.

My infertility reminded me that God wants husband and wife to be together even during (natural) infertility. It has helped me to be a voice for living authentic sexuality according to God’s design. Infertility gave me the insight to help others keep from turning their marriage bed into a “stud farm.” When you only ovulate every six months or so it is a real lesson in humility when God tells you to abstain during fertility! But he had a better plan in mind than mine. My two precious children are on HIS time, not mine. He, and only He, knows best.

As I enter the new phase of my life, being told by God that I am *done *expanding my (very small) family, I wait with joyful anticipation for whatever he has in store for us. So we enter into abstinence phases yet again, and I try to use that time for prayer to more fully accept God’s will for my life.
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May God Bless you!!!
 
sseason said:
Hi,
I never thought I’d be posting on an infertility thread but here I am! It’s only been 10 cycles but I’m 34 and my husband is 45. I just started charting my BBT 3 cycles ago and everything seems to be in synch. (I wasn’t charting before that but I believe I was still ovulating regularly, I get ovulation pain often so it’s easy to tell) I ovulate on day 14, ovulation test strips and my temp all confirm this. So I’m beginning to wonder if my husband is infertile. How do Catholic men get tested for infertility?? The only way I know of involves an act that is immoral. (?)
Any answers?

Thanks and Peace!! 🙂
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Masturbation is an inherently immoral act. But, there are at least two other ways of accomplishing an analysis without resorting to that act. One involves an analysis of sperm viability in its natural habitat after a normal procreative act by removing a small sample in an exam very soon afterwards. It won’t deliver a sperm count, but in some ways it is better, as it can demonstrate that there are significant numbers of sperm, and the environment enables them to be mobile.

The second method involves the use of a perforated condom during the act. A perforated condom is not considered a contraceptive (it has a hole in it!), but it can collect an adequate amount of semen that can be used for an analysis, and because of the hole, is open to God’s will for that act.

Dan Grelinger
 
Dan_Grelinger said:
Masturbation is an inherently immoral act. But, there are at least two other ways of accomplishing an analysis without resorting to that act. One involves an analysis of sperm viability in its natural habitat after a normal procreative act by removing a small sample in an exam very soon afterwards. It won’t deliver a sperm count, but in some ways it is better, as it can demonstrate that there are significant numbers of sperm, and the environment enables them to be mobile.

The second method involves the use of a perforated condom during the act. A perforated condom is not considered a contraceptive (it has a hole in it!), but it can collect an adequate amount of semen that can be used for an analysis, and because of the hole, is open to God’s will for that act.

Dan Grelinger
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Hi all,

I think I need some help here… my wife and I are married for around 30 months and we have been trying to conceive without success. Her period was never regular so we just went to a reproductive center (same as a fertility clinic?). She’s going through some tests to see if her systems are ok, but the doctor wants me to do a semen analysis too, and she wants the sperm count too.

I dont want to masturbate nor use the perforated condom, does it leave me with any options?

I am thinking about one possible “grey area” - maybe some variation of the withdrawal method such that I can have enough for an analysis yet leave open the possibility of conception? I am thinking about it because the method is not a “safe way to contracept” as there are sperms in the pre-ejac fluids and I can perhaps withdraw a tiny bit late or continue on for maybe a 2nd intercourse… that would not be attempting to prevent conception, and the semen are not spilt in vain - they would be used to provide information to help us conceive later on… Since I think it’s a grey area I acknowledge I may be wrong and it would be a sin, if that is the case, please pray for me

If anything, please send me a private message so I would get the message as soon as possible

Antonio
 
Dan_Grelinger said:
Masturbation is an inherently immoral act. But, there are at least two other ways of accomplishing an analysis without resorting to that act. One involves an analysis of sperm viability in its natural habitat after a normal procreative act by removing a small sample in an exam very soon afterwards. It won’t deliver a sperm count, but in some ways it is better, as it can demonstrate that there are significant numbers of sperm, and the environment enables them to be mobile.

The second method involves the use of a perforated condom during the act. A perforated condom is not considered a contraceptive (it has a hole in it!), but it can collect an adequate amount of semen that can be used for an analysis, and because of the hole, is open to God’s will for that act.

Dan Grelinger
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No worries, I know that masterbation in immoral, that’s why I was asking what the options for Catholic men are.
I wasn’t aware that you could use a perforated condom for that. But someone else said the same thing on another forum. So if we don’t conceive by the one year mark…we’ll look into it.
Thank you for your reply! 🙂
 
antoniont1 said:
Hi all,

I think I need some help here…
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Welcome Antonio. I have been where you are at.
antoniont1 said:
I dont want to masturbate nor use the perforated condom, does it leave me with any options?
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I’d be curious to know why you would reject the perforated condom method.

When I was faced with the request for a sperm count, I asked what would be the course of action if sperm count was very low. The answer was, there are things I could do to try and keep as high a count as possible (boxer shorts, no hot tubs, abstinence for a couple of days before ovulation, etc.) but if the number was really low, then it was straight to IVF. Or sperm donor. Well, if that was where this test was going, then I could see how it was really unneccessary. And I could do all the other things (I’ve worn boxers ever since), just by assuming I had a low sperm count. Those actions could only help no matter what the count really was. Since I was never going to consider IVF or using a sperm donor, there was not much reason to take the traditional sperm count test. And since my wife had unusual cycles (similar to your situation) that seemed to be where the focus needed to be anyway.
antoniont1 said:
I am thinking about one possible “grey area”
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There really aren’t gray areas. God does not see gray, it is only a term we use when we, in our human condition, don’t yet know what is the correct course of action, i.e. what is right. If I see something as gray, then it means I don’t yet know enough to make a decision on what is right.
antoniont1 said:
  • maybe some variation of the withdrawal method such that I can have enough for an analysis yet leave open the possibility of conception?
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That is an interesting concept. I can’t claim to know the answer to that one, I never searched there. I would strongly suspect that only commiting ‘pre-ejac fluids’ to your wife during that specific act would be a moral problem. The concept of a relatively quick 2nd time would probably invalidate the test, not accomplish anything anyway, so there is not really any reason to go there.

Concerning our experience, my wife running off for a vaginal exam immediately after the marital act satisfied the medical professionals that we were working with. It didn’t give them the exact data they were used to looking at, but it also supplied more ‘real’ information on how things were going where it really mattered.

Blessings. It is a tough road. But, I believe it is in tough roughs that we most find God, His love, and His mercy. If we are looking.

Dan Grelinger
 
Blessings to you all. It is always a bit sad to me when this forum becomes active, but it is also nice to see folks coming together to discuss this common situation and how it affects us as Catholics.

Kiwi, you’re absolutely 100% right about the need to trust and give up ultimate control to God. It can be so very difficult to do that, but it is really the only way I’ve been able to move forward. We’ve only been married 2.5 years, but found out early on that we were infertile. Life was very tough until we realized this is what God planned for our lives. This is how He made us and we are living out His will as perfectly as we can. Honestly when I accepted that my anger went away and I regained much hope. That’s not to say everything’s perfect now, but we certainly have our lives back.

DH and I used the perforated condom a few times. It is not something we were thrilled to do, but it served it’s purpose. The decision to use it, or even be tested at all is a deeply personal decision but for us it was a good one. We were very surprised to find out we do have male IF issues and knowing that saved a whole lot of further testing, medications, and false hope and allowed us to move on a lot more quickly. But again, that was just our experience and may not be right for your family.
 
Very well said, Green girl! I am sorry you have struggled. You sound like you are getting a deep understanding of it and have come out a stronger person.

This thread is getting too long and we will soon have to decide to start a new thread or a public group to support the infertile here at CAF. I have been deeply moved by the shared stories here. May our Lord continue to bless all those who might stop by to share or just to read and understand. His mercy is limitless.
 
I pray for all those who are linked to this tread. So sorry that they are even apart of it.
I’m still trying to remind myself that God has given me so many blessings- an amazing husband, a beautiful home, a loving family, a great job, good health, etc. The list goes on and on, and its through those things that I have to tell myself that God isn’t punishing me, this is just my cross right now. To share in His suffering and do my best to offer up my pain for those in purgartory or souls of my family and friends who have made a mess of their lives through sin. God never said we would be happy in this life, but in the next. And it is that hope that I cling to. I feel as though every question asked me and my husband of “when are you having kids?”, “You two need to get started”, and “Are you thinking of having kids anytime soon?” Each of those things, asked on a daily basis is a stab to the heart. I just can’t bring myself to say the words “we don’t know if we’ll be able to have kids”. Part of it is I don’t want to explain myself. I don’t want to explain the past few years of waiting in dr. offices, cycles of clomid, injections, crying when I see a woman who is pregnant on the street. But for some reason God has chosen my husband and I for this. We were chosen for this cross and as much as I wish “this cup would pass”, I have to remind myself that its not my will but the Fathers. So I am learning to embrace the pain, and begging God to allow some good to come of it.
I am also more grateful than ever for the wonderful husband that I have. I have a friend who recently divorced because her and her husband couldn’t conceive- it wasn’t the only issue- but a substantial one. So I also pray that those who struggle with infertility that their marriage be strengthened by this and not torn apart. Blessings to all!
 
Thank you Kiwi11 you brought up some excellent points!

As my husband and I have struggled with male infertility issues I have worried that our marriage is not strong enough to endure this.

It is so hard to be reminded each and every month that we have not been gifted with a child.

As of yet I am not strong enough in my prayer life to offer up my suffering for others, I hope that I will be at some point but I am not there yet.

I am curious how others have reconciled the language the Church uses for the “gift of a child” and how a child is the ultimate blessing/gift of marriage.

While certainly true how do you get past thinking that you must be the lowest of the low if God would rather “gift” children to others - especially those who do not want them- than to you?

The fear I have is that I won’t be able to “get past” seeing my husband and myself as people who God does not think are worthy of children. I worry that this bitterness will eat away at my marriage and myself.
 
Callen said:
I am curious how others have reconciled the language the Church uses for the “gift of a child” and how a child is the ultimate blessing/gift of marriage.

While certainly true how do you get past thinking that you must be the lowest of the low if God would rather “gift” children to others - especially those who do not want them- than to you?

The fear I have is that I won’t be able to “get past” seeing my husband and myself as people who God does not think are worthy of children. I worry that this bitterness will eat away at my marriage and myself.
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For me it was the idea of attempting to “strong-arm” God. Two teenagers in the back of a car aren’t asking for a gift. They are demanding one, whether they realize it or not. Our contraceptive culture has this idea of “you owe me.” God designed the act of sex to result in babies. He won’t break the design just for people who make bad choices.

The IVF mentality is just the opposite end of the same extreme. It also says, “I won’t work within your design.” I discovered that about myself. My thinking often swung between contraceptive thinking to IVF thinking. I had decided what was best for me, and God was going to fill my quota no matter what! “I want a baby now, I don’t want a baby now, and you better deliver!”

I had to realize that my marriage was not a stud farm. I was not *less *blessed without children, I was differently blessed. While children are the single biggest blessing we can have, God does make up for it by blessing the infertile with many, many smaller blessings that add up to the one big one.

In fact, now that I DO finally have children I feel amazingly guilty when I yell at them or do any other dumb thing. I beat myself up over it. “How dare you not fawn over them and be the perfect parent since you wanted them so much!” When they are destroying the house, and screaming at the tops of their lungs, it is very hard to look at them and say, “Oh what a blessing!” even though I know they are.
 
Callen said:
I am curious how others have reconciled the language the Church uses for the “gift of a child” and how a child is the ultimate blessing/gift of marriage.

While certainly true how do you get past thinking that you must be the lowest of the low if God would rather “gift” children to others - especially those who do not want them- than to you?

The fear I have is that I won’t be able to “get past” seeing my husband and myself as people who God does not think are worthy of children. I worry that this bitterness will eat away at my marriage and myself.
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I am so sorry you are carrying this cross of infertility, Callen. I know it can be so hard. I think it’s really important not to look at this as God’s judgment on us, though, or to think that He doesn’t find us worthy of His gifts. He gives us all gifts, just different ones. Children are always a blessing and a gift, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us for not having received these gifts from God. None of us is any better than another–we are all sinners, and God in His infinite mercy blesses us all according to His will. Take comfort in His love for you.

I was reading some wonderful blogs written by Catholic women struggling with infertility, and they were discussing how the cross of infertility is much like the cross of Christ, in that it is a paradox. Christ’s cross is a paradox in that it is both a sign of suffering and of hope, a witness for life. If you think about it, faithful Catholic couples who humbly submit to God’s will and His plan for their families, not demanding children from Him but always taking the attitude that they are a gift (not to be created in a test tube in a lab), are similar witnesses. They suffer, but they don’t lose hope. They are a witness for life in choosing not to undergo procedures that ironically destroy their children’s lives as they seek to create them. It’s an invisible cross, too, one that people don’t even know you’re carrying since contraception and a culture that doesn’t welcome children are so prevalent. It’s a pro-life witness of trust in God and His plan for your family–don’t forget that.

Hang in there and don’t lose hope. Cling to your husband. You are in my prayers.
 
Callen,

I just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you and your husband. My husband and I also went through a rough patch of time there- and we probably will again. Unlike you, I am the reason that we can’t conceive. I have blamed myself, and in that it has resulted in much guilt, sorrow and remorse. I have thought I was unworthy to be a wife to a wonderful man. I would think that he would stop loving me because I couldn’t give him children, silly I know but that is what I thought. I also thought, “whats the point to my existence, if I can’t have children.” I still don’t have the answers to any of these thoughts. But I’ve talked about my feelings with my husband. He said that he missed me! He missed my joy that I had in life, he missed my spirit- my laughter-because it had seemed to gone since we started seeing Dr’s. He wanted to see that back. I found a really good book called “God Calling” by Two Listeners, edited by A.J. Russell. It just has daily writings, but as I was reading it I realized the main theme God wants us to have is JOY!
I want to be happy- I don’t want to be miserable. So everyday I remind myself of things that make me happy. Its been a journey to say the least and I still shed a few tears daily about what I feel is missing from my life- children- but that is obviously not in God’s plan. I don’t know how I’ve reconciled it- I still pray daily for the gift of children, but I just don’t want it to kill my spirit.
I work in OB at the hospital, so I see a lot of unwed, single moms, teenagers, you name it. It doesn’t make me bitter, it just makes me wonder, maybe I wouldn’t be a good mother, maybe I have another purpose. I don’t know- you probably have thought those same things. But all I know is that I pray for my marriage daily that it grows stronger and that through our infertility that my husband I become further bonded together, not driven apart. And also I pray that God supports us through our sadness and grief. I have only been dealing with this for over 3 years, so I know those on this blog who have been dealing with it longer and probably have much better thoughts.

May God support you on your journey.

Kiwi
 
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