Greetings. Newbie on this thread. Cradle Catholic, married nearly 8 years, pursuing adoption for going on 3 years, following 2 years of TTC. Male factor infertility - azoospermia.
Nothing about this is fair or easy. Adopting is not easier than TTC. The choice not to pursue high-tech fertility treatment also isn’t easy. Waiting for the whole process (“trying to start a family”) to finally culminate in a child - isn’t easy. And the fact that we have to go through this while others don’t isn’t fair… but there are other struggles that other people have to endure that we do not. Infertility is not the single most devestating thing that could happen to a person. I think we just tend to think that bc it’s what’s happening to us now, it’s what’s relevant to our lives.
I’m pretty sure I know the answer to this, but there’s no natural/Church-approved treatment for azoospermia, is there?
And to answer the poster who seemed to offend a few folks by poo-pooing the efforts to conceive biologically - I was once in that mentality. I wanted to adopt before we started TTC. When we got our diagnosis, I immediately started researching adoption. I didn’t allow myself time to grieve; I insisted that there was nothing to grieve about. It really wasn’t until we parented our former foster daughter for nearly a year, and then had to see her go back home at the age of 17 months, that I realized what I was missing. She was Hispanic, as is DH (I am Polish). Parenting her made me realize that I was mourning the loss of that ethnic combination that our biological child would have - Polish/Latino. Dealing with DSS made me realize I was mourning the loss of control over making basic parenting decisions without outside influence. Having our fourth “birth” mom change her mind (while we were fostering Baby V) made me realize that I was mourning the nearly guaranteed inevitability of parenthood that comes from a pregnancy. And the constant questions, unsolicited advice, and well-meaning tears from others as they try to comprehend what we’re going through made me mourn the normalcy with which people should be able to start a family.
The point is that infertile people have to grieve, and for a lot of us, trying to pursue different options before moving on to adoption is necessary, even therapeutic.
The other point that someone else mentioned is that adoption is not for everyone. I also used to think that if we just matched up all the women going to abortion clinics with all the infertile couples, we’d have a great big kumba-yah. Having met several birth- and would-be birth mothers (and birth fathers and grandparents), having worked with a family whose child was removed from their home, and having heard some of the comments from people anxious to “get their baby already”, I have come to the conclusion that adoption is not for everyone. First, we keep hearing about “all those children” in need of loving homes… but most people wanting to adopt want a child as young as possible. There is no shortage of willing families for babies in need of loving homes.
Meanwhile, older kids, sibling groups, kids with special medical needs, etc. - these are the children who wait. And to adopt them, it takes a lot more preparation than just a desire to parent. Adoption is for the benefit of the children, not for the parents. The parents benefit as a side-effect. The focus must be on the children, their right to know their history, their right to grieve their biological family, their right to their own ethnic heritage. Children are not a commodity to be acquired, but sadly the excessive cost that it takes to complete the adoption process does make it seem that way. An infertile couple is not automatically a good candidate for adoptive parents. They must grieve their own losses first, and then resolve to take on a different kind of family building and parenting by adopting. They must be prepared to focus on the child, and not try to use the child as a way to make themselves feel better about their infertility. An adopted child doesn’t fix infertility.
But I do wonder - if we are told to be fruitful and multiply, if we are told that children are a blessing, then doesn’t that mean that as married Catholics, we should pursue parenthood, be it the old-fashioned way, or (when that’s unsuccessful) via adoption? Or are some Catholic families not called to be parents afterall?
