Interfaith Marriage with Progressive Protestant

[Convert3]

Have you discussed what would happen if you died young with children? Will she raise them Catholic?

 

[TheLittleLady]

however I believe it would be hard for anyone to really grasp the entire context of any situation.

Most people I know, most people I’ve met, and I, myself know mixed marriages. We really do grasp the situation because we have seen it first hand.

DO take the FOCUS inventory, do read For Your Marriage guidance, do consider what it will be like not only for Sunday, but Holy Days of Obligation.

When Christmas falls on a Saturday or Monday, it can become a sticky wicket for non-Catholics to understand why you are required to go to Mass twice, once for each obligation.

Lenten fasting and abstinence? I am guessing that she does not have Easter family traditions (that can be an issue when mixing Catholicism and Protestantism, the serious nature of the Triduum, Good Friday, etc.)

Do you go to Mass before Trick or Treating?

Are you the spoil sport for turning in early on New Year’s Eve so you can get up for early Mass on Jan 1?

What about when the debate is not fun anymore, when it gets to be sharp? Do you just agree that the topics of morals and/or politics are never discussed? Simply living as Catholics on different ends of the political spectrum for my husband and I meant for a very long time we could not even watch TV together, nor most films (mellowed after age 50).

 

[Dorothy]

There are many red flags in what you shared about your girlfriend. Pray much and run in the other direction. Pray for her also, of course.

 

[Cruciferi]

A bird and a fish may fall in love, but, where will they make a home?

A really spacious bird bath

 

[MNathaniel]

Comes down to the kids, for me. Because from the sounds of it you’re not two (knowingly) infertile people, anticipating a childless union.

If you die, do you trust your SO to get your kids to heaven? What if one of your kids struggles with gender identity when young, which most kids grow out of… but your SO has them surgically mutilated?

It’s all well and good that your SO means well. (I assume that’s what you mean by ‘exemplifying the virtue of Charity’: that within the constraints of what she believes to be true and good, she tries to help others towards that.) However, it sounds like she’s fundamentally confused about what is true and good. Therefore her actions will not actually result in charity towards others… including towards your children. What she may think is good for them, will be bad for them. And vice versa. And you have to make your choice of spouse assuming you die young and won’t be there to counteract her influence.

Just my thoughts. God is our primary relationship. If you and your SO don’t have unity from this firm rock… sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen, to me.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Let’s say you’re a parent with kids in the house and you have a 20 yr old kid at home. He left the faith, and he’s telling the younger kids that you don’t have to go to church because see? nothing happened to him when he quit going. He says he loves his boyfriend and love looks different for different people. Let’s say he has a girlfriend and he tells them she is on the pill and if she gets pregnant, no problem because abortion fixes these things. The church is way too strict and uptight about a lot of things.

I’m guessing you would tell him that it’s time to move out, right?

Why would you pick a person like this to influence your children to go down the wide road to destruction? Someone who will undermine all that you’re trying to build? Christ said those who build on sandy ground will lose everything when the storm comes, and it will come.

 

[aroosi]

Hi @JohnnyAppleseed1, I posted the questions not expecting you to discuss it in the thread but as a starting point for a discussion with your SO.
Sometimes we have clear ideas about our own positions and we assume or guess what are other people opinions about a certain topic. Don’t assume what she would say/do,
How would she react if you would show her what you wrote as an answer to my questions? What written reply would she provide to the same questions? (note WRITTEN, people are more careful and think more before putting something in writing than just discussing it casually in a conversation).

Also, I am not saying a mixed marriage is doomed to fail, but I am aware that often (and I put myself in it too) we have certain unspoken desire and expectations and it would be more honest just to state them clearly instead of hiding behind ‘we will see what to do when it will be the moment’ or ‘people change opinion all the time’, or ‘I think s/he would eventually be ok with it’.

All that said, mixed marriage can still survive and thrive; being ‘unevenly yoked’ makes the task harder but still possible.

 

[jlc2k2]

The mother would come to mass with family. That is non-Negotiateable.

Does she do that now?

 

[VonDerTann]

I’m going to weigh in against “exploration” of this topic.

I too speak from experience: If you think in your heart of hearts that you have to end it, best do so NOW.

Some musings:

1. All interdenominational relationships are hard, but some are harder than others. IMHO Catholicism and, say, Anglicanism are not that dissimilar (or maybe were, until the latter got more liberal). Catholicism & Methodism or the Baptist faith get farther apart. Catholicism & say Jehovahs Witnesses gets very far apart. But as you describe your own faith, and hers, it seems like you will always be far apart. That will inevitably impede your relationship. The fact that it’s not just theological differences but practical differences, i.e., politics, etc., makes it even worse.
2. There is bar none no faith with a greater intellectual depth than Catholicism. The fact that Catholicism can point to a theology expounded on by the greatest minds in human history: Aquinas; Augustine; Albert the Great, etc., also impedes relationships with non-Catholics, because those of other faiths just can’t compete with that background, and because that fact colors our world-view more than we know. I had a short, intense relationship with a lovely Baptist lady many years ago, that I ended for really no reason other than this: I’d talk about theological matters and her response was inevitably something like, “I don’t know…I only know what the Bible says.” It quickly came to a point where we just didn’t have much to talk about. With due respect, you and her will reach that point if you’re not there already. And it’s soooo hard - as it was for me – because your girlfriend is probably a really, really great lady (just not the right one for you).

So I sympathize, but please, best to move on IMHO.

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, I realize you love this woman. She can be so many things that you are looking for in a wife, or just as a really nice person. But there are so many things you disagree on, that are really serious differences. And yeah, it’s all nice that she says she will let you raise any children you have Catholic, until she doesn’t. Or until they observe what your wife believes and start to argue with you about what you both believe.

It is hard enough when you are married to someone that is Catholic to do all of the things that one is supposed to do. It would be very difficult if your wife has different views, which your girlfriend does.

Are there any places that we can go to explore this topic with an expert?

Honestly, if there were, I don’t see the point. What is there to explore? It sounds as if you both know how the other thinks, feels and believe. Desire to make it work alone, does not make it happen when you have so many things you disagree on.

 

[porthos11]

I have been dating SO for a few years and we have spoken about marriage. However, we have both acknowledged our religious differences. She is Protestant but never attends church and our conversations are rarely spiritual. I am a devout Catholic and attend Traditional Latin Masses. I’ve issues with how the Masses are held post Vatican 2. I share this to express where I fall along the line of church belief. My SO also is extremely progressive and supports LGBT+ and everything else from gender identity, gay marriage, trans, sex change surgery etc. she is also an adamant support of Planned Parenthood and abortion. When our relationship began, I wasn’t as involved in the church. I am at a crossroads. She is extremely empathetic and exemplifies the virtue of Charity more so than my Catholic friends and is a very loyal and trustworthy companion. She exemplifies all the attributes of a great wife. However, I will teach my children the truth and she is adamant that she will express her ways and then the children will ultimately make their own decision. Also: the Children will be raised Catholic and go to Catholic school. No exceptions.

Thoughts on what I should do?

Break it off, move on, and find someone else who shares your core values.

These differences are too fundamental on which to base a marriage and family.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If she were just some Protestant who didn’t go to her church but didn’t want to be Catholic either and maybe had some sympathy for LGBTQ+, I"d say maybe get married. But all the political stuff about donating to PP and insisting that the kids go on the women’s march shows there is going to be conflict down the line. That’s being an activist. Don’t marry an activist type if you disagree with their activism.

 

[TC3033]

JohnnyAppleseed1:

The mother would come to mass with family. That is non-Negotiateable.

Does she do that now?

^^^and does she know it’s a “non-negotiable” for you? I too can speak from experience, the ground work of a successful mixed-marriage is being able to accept each other’s faith background. By saying it’s non-negotiable for her to not go to Mass sounds like you may have a tough time with that.

With that said: Most of us non-Catholic spouses know what we’re getting into and attend Mass with our SO’s. I don’t know any who skip Mass just because.

Don’t marry an activist type if you disagree with their activism.

Agreed. Your situation isn’t similar to most mixed-marriages…especially successful ones. In your situation I think you can make it work, but it’s going to be tough sledding (with the information you have provided here).

 

[JohnnyAppleseed1]

She used to come to mass with me every now and then. She hasn’t participated in the virtual masses since the quarantine. She says that she is open to the possibility of converting but would be doing so for me rather than herself or for God (most of Her friends are doing the same thing for their SO’s religion.) I don’t understand how she could convert if she still believes in abortion, transgender surgery, gender identity, gay marriage, etc.

 

[aroosi]

She says that she is open to the possibility of converting but would be doing so for me rather than herself or for God (most of Her friends are doing the same thing for their SO’s religion.)

 

[Irishmom2]

What more do you need to know? This is very disheartening, and I am not in the relationship.

 

[TheLittleLady]

She says that she is open to the possibility of converting but would be doing so for me rather than herself or for God

So, she told you that she is willing to be dishonest, to stand up before priest, family, parishioners lying when she says " I believe and profess all that the holy Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God. Not only that, but that most of her friends are also undergoing false conversions?

This goes to the character of the person.

 

[TMC]

Thoughts on what I should do?

What you should do, is not rely on anonymous strangers on the internet to make important decisions. Its super easy for anonymous strangers to judge your SO, judge your relationship, and give you advice. But why would you take it? Don’t listen to any of us - talk to real people in real life who really know you.

 

[TC3033]

Out of everything he’s said, I’m not sure how that would be the red flag.

People do it all the time (especially ones that think they have to). We had a thread on this last week.

 

[TMC]

Out of everything he’s said, I’m not sure how that would be the red flag.

People do it all the time (especially ones that think they have to). We had a thread on this last week.

That’s why my mother converted. She raised ten Catholics. Worked out OK, I would say.