Interfaith Marriage with Progressive Protestant

[aroosi]

You are not required to convert if you marry a Catholic. Converting formally to please a guy and not for God or for your own personal belief is not a conversion in the true meaning of the word. Even in some other religIons such a conversion would not be considered valid (very obvious example is in conversion to Judaism).
Glad it worked ok for your mom. What year did she get married? Before VII there was greater pressure for a spouse to convert. Now there is not such a pressure to convert and there is instead more focus on the respect of the spouse freedom of conscience. The only thing requested is to agree for the children to be baptized and possibly educated in the Catholic Faith.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

I am adamantly pro life regardless of circumstances and her aborting my child would be a basis for separation

I hate to say it, but that wouldn’t bring the child back. If you are already contemplating “circumstances under which I’d separate”, that’s not a good sign.

She says that she is open to the possibility of converting but would be doing so for me rather than herself or for God (most of Her friends are doing the same thing for their SO’s religion.) I don’t understand how she could convert if she still believes in abortion, transgender surgery, gender identity, gay marriage, etc.

You do not ever convert for the sake of another person. I know people do it, but that doesn’t make it right. Actually, as long-drawn-out as the RCIA process is nowadays, I really don’t think someone could convert for any reasons other than purely religious ones — I don’t mean this in any negative sense, but there are just too many “hoops to jump through”.

 

[Anicette]

She is extremely empathetic and exemplifies the virtue of Charity more so than my Catholic friends and is a very loyal and trustworthy companion. She exemplifies all the attributes of a great wife. However, I will teach my children the truth and she is adamant that she will express her ways and then the children will ultimately make their own decision. Also: the Children will be raised Catholic and go to Catholic school. No exceptions.

hug?

Do you think it would works?

Seriousely your children would be turned by the world, and think what the others thinks, so like your wife. And would have few chances to stay conservative Catholics.

Is it something that you are ready to accept?

Why did you say that she has ALL the attributes of a good wife if you are not agree with the values your children would be raised?

 

[27lw]

Hmm. I know that you are living chastely now, but how do you know it’s “love” and not lust?
What is the definition of love? Love is willing the good of the other. If this were a friend of yours, what would you recommend?
What do your parents think of this young lady?
If you are a hard-core traddy, I wonder if you know Fr. Ripperger. I think I know what he would say about a relationship like this.

 

[YADA]

She says that she is open to the possibility of converting but would be doing so for me rather than herself or for God (most of Her friends are doing the same thing for their SO’s religion.)

If she openly and honestly said this to the Priest who would be presiding her entrance into the Church - he would not allow her to do so as that is not a freely made choice to follow Christ.

Is she a baptized Christian? Or just a marginally affiliated Christian? She no longer attends Church - why is that? The reasons for that separation may provide clues for the results you can expect - as so many posters have alluded to - as differences would arise if you continued to actually marry.

Speaking a person who experienced a failed marriage followed by a [shared] faith filled, Christ centered marriage, you cannot believe that difference. Marriage is hard work. That second marriage, anchored by our faith in Christ and attendance at Mass, prepared us to face the difficult issues, decisions and crisis’ that come up. I would not marry someone who did not share the faith - and I mean seriously share it.

 

[tafan2]

There have been those who recommended a FOCCUS assessment. We do marraige prep for our parish, so I am familiar with that. My experience us it is very useful to prepare for marraige, but I question it’s utility for discerning a marraige. Now, they may have a specific assessment for discernment, but I am only familiar with the marraige prep, and that is what my comment pertains to.

I think it’s usefulness for discernment of an engagement would be very dependent on the facilitator couple, that us not what mist of them have experience with. I would not be comfortable doing it at all.

 

[jlc2k2]

She used to come to mass with me every now and then.

What does she say when you tell her you expect her to be at Mass every week in the future (leaving conversation aside for now)?

 

[JohnnyAppleseed1]

Had a convo yesterday about seeing someone about our core beliefs and addressing the obstacles we will inevitably have to face and it was heartbreaking. She was very upset and felt as though she would lose me or never be able to provide “what I am looking for or be enough for me.” When I say upset, I do not mean angry— I mean very sad and crying (we both were as we obviously love each other very much) Though I appreciate the counsel of all, we will attempt more concrete discussions with a third party present (suggested Foccus) to measure where we really diverge and why. Honestly, I do believe she has been misled by a lot of the virtue signaling by extremely progressive policies and that she is not inherently evil or an ill willed individual. Like so many pro choice turned pro life, or pro gay marriage (straight and homosexual) that changed to the Catholic Faith, I believe she/they have been deceived. She has a big heart and her will to do good is an easy target for the emotion provoking secular movements today.

Regrettably, she had said that her interest in learning about Catholicism is my deterred by my lack of ability to effectively describe why we believe and what we believe. Or my unwavering support and belief in our tenants (against Protestant approach of choosing what principles to uphold I.e “cafeteria Catholics”). It seems that my strong beliefs come off as condescending in some instances and I am filled with grief and shame as that is the opposite of what I believe the Catholic Faith espouses. I will continue to learn more about The. faith and communication and ask that you pray for me and for us during this time. Thank you to all.

 

[Irishmom2]

she would lose me or never be able to provide “what I am looking for or be enough for me.”

she had said that her interest in learning about Catholicism is my deterred by my lack of ability to effectively describe why we believe and what we believe.

I find both of these comments to be subtly manipulative. She is placing blame on you for both things.

It seems that my strong beliefs come off as condescending in some instances and I am filled with grief and shame as that is the opposite of what I believe the Catholic Faith espouses. I will continue to learn more about The.

If she is really interested in learning, she could take some initiative on her own by reading, or watching some good Catholic videos online, or going to RCIA classes just to learn, not to convert. But instead, she lays the blame at your feet again, “your explanations are condescending or you lack the ability to explain effectively for her.”

I know you probably are blind to her faults in this way, but I just thought you might want to be aware of what others may be seeing.

 

[VonDerTann]

I agree with this.

My friend, I will try to be as gentle as I can: this is not going to end well, all the more so because you two clearly have great feelings for one another.

That said, she is in fact attacking/blaming you; she is in fact taking no responsibility.

IMHO there are things that should be “required” in a spouse and things that are purely optional, more like preferences. “Same faith” is IMHO required to me (and many but not all others). At a minimum “she doesn’t blame me for not explaining the faith better” is a bare, bare minimum & she’s not there. With that in mind, it doesn’t matter how many other great qualities she has - pursuing this young lady will inevitably lead to fighting, and heartbreak.

Seriously, I’d gently say end it now.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Honestly, I do believe she has been misled by a lot of the virtue signaling by extremely progressive policies and that she is not inherently evil or an ill willed individual.

It’s fine if you want to get more counseling or try to work through this.

However, please understand that when someone says “Your differences might make a marriage challenging, especially when you have children,” they are NOT saying “your girlfriend is inherently evil or ill-willed”.

I have many good friends who differ from me significantly in their religious views and/or lifestyles. I certainly don’t think they are “evil” or “ill willed” or bad people, or they would not be my friends. I would not want to be married to them, however, because our differences are okay for a friendship, but not okay for a spousal relationship where i am going to be joined to someone 24/7 for life and, when younger, might have had children with them that we would have had to raise together.

To give one example, I am anti-abortion and sometimes I go with the parish group to pray the Rosary outside the PP clinic on First Saturday and once I went on the March for Life.

My husband was not Catholic, but he didn’t give two hoots about PP, did not support abortion, and wasn’t big on the Women’s March.
There are other people I know who would really object to my demonstrating outside PP or would be out there demonstrating or donating for the other side, or who would expect me to go on the Women’s March and not the March for Life. I respect their right to free speech and most of them I regard as good, well-meaning people. But I don’t want to marry them. And I certainly wouldn’t want them encouraging my kids to support PP.

 

[Convert3]

For what it’s worth, I was Protestant until 2016. I was much more conservative than your SO, so the switch wasn’t against my beliefs. I took RCIA to learn more about my wife’s faith, but along the way I realized it was the true church and decided to convert. Not everyone converts through RCIA though. Even for me, it was largely because of the extra reading and other research I did that I was convinced to convert. I also listened frequently to a Podcast “Call to Communion” than answered many of my questions and concerns. Conversion is a process that takes time.

 

[PetraG]

I will teach my children the truth and she is adamant that she will express her ways and then the children will ultimately make their own decision.

That would be “our children.” Do your future children a favor and marry someone who is on the same page when it comes to the major issues of child rearing. Your spouse doesn’t have to be Catholic, but you don’t want to try to parent while contradicting each other at every turn.

My husband went to RCIA before we were married. He didn’t convert, but he went in knowing what he was in for and he was willing to be on board with really teaching them the Catholic faith.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Honestly, I do believe she has been misled by a lot of the virtue signaling by extremely progressive policies and that she is not inherently evil or an ill willed individual. Like so many pro choice turned pro life, or pro gay marriage (straight and homosexual) that changed to the Catholic Faith, I believe she/they have been deceived. She has a big heart and her will to do good is an easy target for the emotion provoking secular movements today.

I hear the condescension in these words.

No one says she is evil or ill-willed. Heck, one of my closest friends on this planet is a staunch atheist, he would do anything to help others.

 

[27lw]

OP, are you familiar with the"theology of the body" espoused by St. JP II? I think that’s why it’s so hard for you to break up with her. When you got “over-involved” with her, it brought you two together more intimately in every way. Now I would imagine she feels betrayed by you, when you already were intimate with her and now you’re analyzing the situation and pulling away from her. You’ve already unwrapped the present, but now it’s like you’re saying, “uh, no thanks”.

Library : Telling Lies with Our Bodies: What the Pope Thinks About Sex | Catholic Culture

 

[c4csp]

Only you can make that choice. Just ask yourself if you feel it is God’s divine will that you marry this woman?

 

[MNathaniel]

@JohnnyAppleseed1 I hope the concrete discussions with a third party help! I applaud your patience and good will toward your girlfriend and hope everything works out the way you hope it will.

One thing: Without attacking your girlfriend for it, but speaking as another woman (and just so you’re aware and not overwhelmed by guilt), I agree with the commenters who pointed out that your girlfriend seems to be, whether subconsciously or consciously, using your guilt to manipulate you. I’m not discounting that to some degree her tears were real (especially if she suddenly felt afraid she was about to be dumped) – but the words she added to them were manipulative, designed to get you to reassure her, pity her, take care of her; basically, her words were designed to suck you back in.

The truth is that she may not be what you’re looking for. (That is, in some ways she is, but in other crucial ways, she isn’t.) It’s just a hard reality of life that sometimes this happens; if it’s the case, it doesn’t make you a bad guy.

And I would ask you not to be bullied for a second by the accusation that your poor explanatory abilities sap her interest in learning about Catholicism. Yes, it’s good for us to learn and improve good apologetics skills. But if your girlfriend wants to hear a perfect apologetics explanation of a Catholic concept, she can seek one out herself. She’s presumably a mentally competent adult. She has internet access. Let her know that catholic.com exists. Maybe connect her with some other solid educational resources. Then if she feels you explain something badly, it’s still on her to have the good will to try to understand you, by seeking out the best possible version of what you were trying to say, not dismissing what you did manage to say as ‘So inadequate I won’t even look into it further’. If she loves you, she can seek to educate herself about the relationship with God that is at the centre of your life. Full stop.

Anyway, maybe she just had a little mini-breakdown (we all fall into manipulative language/behaviours sometimes, especially when we feel vulnerable), and this was just her wakeup call and now she’s going to start actually trying to learn about your faith. So I’m not suggesting you “call her on” any manipulative behaviour at this point, if she just had to get it out of her system in her momentary state of fear. Maybe she’ll really be open from here on out to learning about Catholicism, especially with a third party present. Maybe this is the beginning of a path to a healthier relationship.

 

[MNathaniel]

(Just keep an eye out for whether she actually makes a turn at this point, and starts to try to see things from your perspective and identify areas where she herself needs to grow, rather than just blaming you for, e.g., how poorly you explain your perspective. Resources exist for her to learn more about your religion. It’s good that you’re going to keep trying to share things with her as helpfully and charitably as possibly: at the same time, it’s not healthy in a relationship when one person blames the other for not fixing something, instead of both people working together against the common problem. If the common problem includes your girlfriend not understanding your religion, at some point she has to work with you in seeking out answers for herself, instead of putting it all on you to feed them to her, then blaming you if you don’t have literally all answers prepared perfectly (by her standard) at all times.

Just, keep an eye out for whether “her blaming you” to get you to feel guilty and take sole responsibility for problems, is a recurring dynamic in things. Because that’s not healthy.)

Again, hopefully the good will you say you see in her, will manifest and start applying itself to lots of situations. Hopefully she’ll see that truth and goodness are not in conflict, but rather are complementary.

 

[Psalm30]

So, she told you that she is willing to be dishonest, to stand up before priest, family, parishioners lying when she says " I believe and profess all that the holy Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God. Not only that, but that most of her friends are also undergoing false conversions?

This goes to the character of the person.

Yeah. Religion put aside, that’s just plain dishonesty. It would beg the question, is she dishonest in other matters?

 

[raystacy1]

I am in an interfaith marriage, married in the Catholic Church. My wife is not as progressive as the girl you are dating. I typically still find this very difficult. We typically can not talk about our faith much to each other and stray away from talking about it. Our faith may be the most difficult thing to discuss. I won’t tell you what you should do, but I can say it is a very difficult situation, especially long term.