Intimacy Issue

[FrenchGwen]

Hi !
I feel very much concerned by your post because I can recognize myself in some aspects of your life : we too are freshly married (both nearly 22), and I an the one who asks for more sex, too - but there is no history of sleeping around for neither of us.

I think you’re on the right way with keeping low pressure. I was too somehow ‘pressured’, like you, by our using NFP, and my wanting to make as much as possible of the free days.
But that’s not the best…

On the other hand, did you read the Five Love Languages ? Obviously, one of my main language of love is physical affection and sex, which isn’t for my hubby; he needs talking, doing things together, before feeling like having sex.
I was a bit hurt, too, by his “lack of interest”, but we talked about it, and we both made effort: I try to give him the sort of affection he needs (looong talks, visiting things together,…) and he understands better my need for affection.

So a big talk on your love languages could help you solve this problem and find ways in which you can express and receive love to each other !

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi !
I feel very much concerned by your post because I can recognize myself in some aspects of your life : we too are freshly married (both nearly 22), and I an the one who asks for more sex, too - but there is no history of sleeping around for neither of us.

I think you’re on the right way with keeping low pressure. I was too somehow ‘pressured’, like you, by our using NFP, and my wanting to make as much as possible of the free days.
But that’s not the best…

On the other hand, did you read the Five Love Languages ? Obviously, one of my main language of love is physical affection and sex, which isn’t for my hubby; he needs talking, doing things together, before feeling like having sex.
I was a bit hurt, too, by his “lack of interest”, but we talked about it, and we both made effort: I try to give him the sort of affection he needs (looong talks, visiting things together,…) and he understands better my need for affection.

So a big talk on your love languages could help you solve this problem and find ways in which you can express and receive love to each other !

I loved your post Gwen…that’s excellent advice. Not everyone is wired the same. If trying new things doesn’t work, OP–I would consider possibly counseling, because then there could be more of a reason. Whether it be emotional or physical, it’s important for a couple to understand one another, and to develop a better relationship in all areas, if one area is lacking for whatever reason. Good luck, and you’re in my prayers!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Don’t feel bad seriously you are not alone!! I am very sorry that you are going through this, I can only imagine…Even though I wasn’t married through the church, my ex and I did love each other and the love making was just not there…It seemed every time we had sex was just to get pg and that was it…and against my ex’s will…according to him…I “forced” him into having children…

He was very promiscuous and at 16, when we first met…We didn’t get married till we both graduated hs and were ready to go you know? I have always been super immature, in character, not actions, in my actions I am completely opposite, I am the oldest 30 year-old most people around me have ever known…They can’t even believe I am 30, and they are surprised…for me I really think I am super old but that’s a different story…

And when my ex and I got together things slowed down for him, it was difficult for him to just get attached to one person and you could tell but he kept telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn’t believe he found the ONE!!! ETC… but when we got married I was begging for sex he didn’t want anything to do with it…How did things get better, I started using contraceptives…I didn’t get pg any more and then he was happy…It was very disappointing…While we were separating he was out there having fun with other women and I was at home praying he would give us another chance but at the same time glad he was out of my life…It hurt me a lot that I wasn’t good enough for love making…

My future husband, now, was promiscuous as well, until he had a rude awakening…when he was 16…he stopped “doing it” and dedicated himself to keeping his head away from such “problems” and we are both looking forward to a wonderful marriage and a growing family…I am afraid though that since our priests around us growing up have stated that contraception is ok in the marriage that he will end up asking me for it later on even though we have promised to use NFP when we get married…very sad and very scared but I am leaving it all in GOD’s hands, He knows what he’s doing…

Always remember to keep praying for advise…It’s the best thing to do…See your priest, and I honestly believe that marriage attraction and “wanting” isn’t really lust, it’s the fact that as man and woman husband and wife, you must have some kind of attraction and enjoyment in each other, that has nothing to do with lust, it has to do with the love you have for each other and the love of lovemaking with each other…so just keep doing what you are doing…don’t worry, keep your head up and I congratulate you on trying something new, taking it slow…and showing him that he is under no pressure, you are his bf and will be there for him no matter what! Good luck and hopefully everything will continue going well…
If needed both need to see a counselor, to help get whatever stressful things are in the way out, in case he’s not willing to talk to you about them…you know?! Good luck and GOD bless!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Just the other night, he said that there is no love in sex. He feels like it’s mostly about lust.

**I hope you can clarify this statement for me.

Is your husband saying that he doesn’t see how love and sex are connected? or is he saying that he knows they should be connected, but for him they aren’t?**

 

[TLM08]

It IS possible to lust after your own spouse. Just because one marries someone, does not just make the sinful act of lust turn good.

I have to agree with you. Marital relations with an absence of love would probably qualify.

 

[Seatuck]

Hey, everyone!

Thank you for the great responses! I was pleasantly surprised to see how many were waiting for me.

To answer some questions, my husband is 23 and I am 21. We both have read Christopher West’s, “Good News About Sex and Marriage” and covered some sex-related stuff in our marital preparation course. He and I both know very well that sex is a renewal of vows. Of course, I tend to go back and reread parts of that book while he does not, so things are more fresh in my mind than his… or so I think.

I do think he is probably trying to protect me from lust, that’s a very good point. The fact that he saw sex as being separated from love hints me to that.

We are waiting to have children for at least a few years, so that may be a fear of his, getting me pregnant when I’m not ready. He has always said that he would love it if I got pregnant but I do not feel ready for it so maybe he is just trying to respect that?

On the plus side, I feel I should report that after a particularly stressful day, he came home last night to a candlelit dinner and a wife in a pretty dress waiting to make him feel better. I tried to keep things as stress-free as possible (I think the wine helped ) and needless to say, before we got to dessert, we got to “dessert.” It was an amazing moment and an amazing night. Maybe the lack of pressure led him to feel better about the actual act? Either way, I’m happy and I think I will definitely try to “go with the flow” more, keeping the pressure so low, there is no obligation.

I think it would help if you read a bit about intimacy. Sex , while intimate is not intimacy. What you described in the situation above was intimacy which led to feeling loved and then of course the sex part. Your husband was craving intimacy from you . He’s trying to tell you how much he values close time with you that is not sexual. Funny how everyone always attributs this to the woman but here we have an example of the guy showing a need for mature marital intimacy. It’s very important to be able to distinguish the two. You are on the right track. As long as you don’t expect the payout of sex for engaging in intimate time for him every time.The last sentence you wrote really tells me you “get it”.

Read this book , I think you will find it helpful.

The Seven Levels Of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly.

 

[TLM08]

This is an interesting topic. What would be an example of lust and of attraction within a marriage, just so we know the difference?

Men are sexually aroused mainly through the eyes. This is how God made us and it is a gift. To most men, there is NOTHING in the world more pleasing to the eye than the female form. This Sacrament of Matrimony does not change this fundamental reality male nature. When this gift is enjoyed outside of the marriage it qualifies as “lust”.

Women are capable of sinful lusting too, but women tend to become aroused through what they hear or feel. A man’s smile, warm voice or his eyes which are a window to his soul are good examples.

As long as these things are enjoyed within a loving marriage they should never be considered lustful. We should be thankful for those feelings. The “world” takes this beautiful thing and tries to make it dirty through television, pornography and popular music. Don’t let people confuse you. Husbands and wives are meant to enjoy each other this in this manner. God made us this way!
Anyone disagree?

 

[blessourhome]

**I hope you can clarify this statement for me.

Is your husband saying that he doesn’t see how love and sex are connected? or is he saying that he knows they should be connected, but for him they aren’t?**

I was a little confused as well, especially because of the way he put it. I think that he was referring to the whole idea that the goal of the actual act is about achieving orgasm for oneself and that that is selfish, therefore, lustful. Also, since this is the first time he is having “loving sex,” I think he’s still adjusting to that idea, having only been exposed to the kind of sex you see in pornos… ugh.

Seatuck, I titled this thread “Intimacy Issue” as a substitute for saying, “Sex Issue,” so as not to offend anyone. I really appreciate your explanation regarding what the difference between intimacy and sex is. And I have to agree with you. My husband much prefers to be emotionally intimate than sexually intimate, if that makes sense. That book sounds great, I’ll have to check it out… if we ever finish “The Five Love Languages…” FrenchGwen, we are still reading it and so far have determined that my language, like yours, is physical touch, while my husband’s is words of affirmation.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I was a little confused as well, especially because of the way he put it. I think that he was referring to the whole idea that the goal of the actual act is about achieving orgasm for oneself and that that is selfish, therefore, lustful.

**I think it’s worth asking him to clarify what he meant…

and yes, if his “goal” in married sex is to have an orgasm, that is lust. An orgasm is the byproduct of pleasing you/making love to YOU. If it doesn’t happen for some reason it is ok to be disappointed (it’s ok to look forward to it) but it shouldn’t ruin the whole experience.**

 

[thomfra]

Men are sexually aroused mainly through the eyes. This is how God made us and it is a gift. To most men, there is NOTHING in the world more pleasing to the eye than the female form. This Sacrament of Matrimony does not change this fundamental reality male nature. When this gift is enjoyed outside of the marriage it qualifies as “lust”.

Women are capable of sinful lusting too, but women tend to become aroused through what they hear or feel. A man’s smile, warm voice or his eyes which are a window to his soul are good examples.

As long as these things are enjoyed within a loving marriage they should never be considered lustful. We should be thankful for those feelings. The “world” takes this beautiful thing and tries to make it dirty through television, pornography and popular music. Don’t let people confuse you. Husbands and wives are meant to enjoy each other this in this manner. God made us this way!
Anyone disagree?

You haven’t answerd the question. “within a marriage”. **What is the difference between lust and desire (assuming you respect and honour your wife). **

To be honest…I think the “women are ***aroused ***by a warm smile and a warm voice” is rubbish.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Lust in a marriage:

expecting to satisfy ones own physical desires as top priority

Desire in a marriage:

what leads to making love and giving oneself totally to the other**

 

[BamaRider]

Thomfra said-

To be honest…I think the “women are aroused by a warm smile and a warm voice” is rubbish.

Dang.

So what *are *her arousal triggers?

I know em, I just wanna hear what YOUR take is. LOL.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hello, all!

I recently got married and am kind of experiencing difficulty with regard to intimacy. Before my husband came back to the Church, he, like many other young people, slept around A LOT. I think that these women have tainted his idea of what sex is supposed to be like. Just the other night, he said that there is no love in sex. He feels like it’s mostly about lust. I felt my heart hit the floor. We have been fighting about my wanting to have more sex. He is the only man I have ever been with like that and I have waited my whole life to enjoy sex and I think I am entitled, especially with my husband! I don’t feel he persues me like he used to. I really miss that. Granted, he said that he loves being intimate with me but doesn’t see the need for it so often. It’s made me wonder if because of all these women, he is now “sexed out.” He feels like he is being used for the physical gratification and would much prefer to cuddle or kiss without it leading to something. While I know that many women out there are experiencing the opposite problem (and I am grateful and blessed to have a husband that loves to be romantic), I feel very frustrated. I want him to want me in all aspects. I feel like sex is becoming a chore for him. I look at myself in the mirror, at my physical appearance and wonder why he’s not all over me and I cry hysterically. I can walk around naked in front of him or wear sexy little undergarments and he won’t react. His job is physically demanding and he comes home tired everyday but when I’m tired and there is a possibility for sex, I get a sudden rush of energy for him. Why can’t he? Am I sounding too unfair? I don’t know what to do. We practice NFP and it’s going well but I feel like there are so many days in a month when we can have sex freely and we should take advantage of that, you know? Please, any comments, suggestions, etc.?

I have been home today, not feeling too well, and your thread popped into my head earlier, and I wanted to add to my previous post.

I think that for many people who have sex outside of marriage–before marriage, etc…they often have a disjointed way of viewing sexuality. It seems like your husband’s view of sex was with women who obviously he was not married to, and thus the element of lust was necessary (not love) to have sex with these prior women. So, now he is in love and married to you–he sees sex still through a different lense, than what it was created for, by God. As human beings, we sometimes lust after another, but that ‘feeling’ is not of God, but rather through the fall of mankind that we ‘feel’ that at all. So, in looking at your husband, it seems that he is going to have to ‘undo’ the thoughts associated with how he views sex–as a lustful act. It is a LOVING ACT, not meant to be a lustful act, and I think that to undo that, will take some counseling, just my humble opinion. I think you could walk in front of him all day long in sexy lingerie, he associates you with love, and not lust–and to him, lust is necessary for sex to take place.

I would talk about it with him…very calmly and lovingly, and say that you both really need to get on the same page–and to get on God’s page for sexuality. He definitely will have to work at not associating sex with lust, and prior escapades–and start viewing sex in the marriage as a beautiful culmination of two people who love one another. That might take some time, and possibly outside objective help. I will keep you both in my prayers, but just wanted to add that because I really think that’s what is at play here–your husband’s association of linking sex and lust together, and the inability to see it any other way but that.

Good luck, and God bless!

 

[blessourhome]

Thank you for your comments and thoughts; I really appreciate it. One thing bothers me, though… I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know where to start. My husband is sensitive when it comes to subjects like this. How do I approach it?

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you for your comments and thoughts; I really appreciate it. One thing bothers me, though… I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know where to start. My husband is sensitive when it comes to subjects like this. How do I approach it?

You could write him a letter? I know that sounds a bit bizarre…but you could sit down together one night, and you could say that you have much to share with him, but wanted to get it all out in a letter. My dh and I went through a separation years ago, and we BOTH wrote letters to one another–and wow–it really broke through a lot of barriers for us. Just a thought.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

You could write him a letter? I know that sounds a bit bizarre…but you could sit down together one night, and you could say that you have much to share with him, but wanted to get it all out in a letter. My dh and I went through a separation years ago, and we BOTH wrote letters to one another–and wow–it really broke through a lot of barriers for us. Just a thought.

**
Good suggestion…it gives each person time to think about what to say, and how to respond. And all the thoughts can come out since there aren’t any interruptions or immediate defensiveness…**

 

[whatevergirl]

**
Good suggestion…it gives each person time to think about what to say, and how to respond. And all the thoughts can come out since there aren’t any interruptions or immediate defensiveness…**

Yes, absolutely. Some of my husband’s most eye opening moments (and mine too!) came from us writing letters…during our separation, and afterwards. We still write loving letters now to one another, and while we both are very adept at speaking things through…there’s something about reading a letter from your spouse that just speaks immediately to your heart.

I think that sometimes when we are speaking, we are hesitant to say the whole deal, in fear of hurtful feelings. When we write, we choose words differently, might choose words we wouldn’t normally ‘say’ out loud…it can be a very liberating experience.

To blessourhome–Let’s say you go this route. If your husband refuses to accept any responsibility to help change things, you both really should consider at least, a counselor. Because if you don’t do something to change this, you will grow bitter…possibly indifferent. You will grow apart, if you don’t deal with the elephant in the room. Whatever the reasons you are both here, you both need to find a way to get through this together. With God, all things are possible. Jesus defeated death, He can help you and your husband to defeat this! God bless.

 

[thomfra]

Thomfra said-

Dang.

So what *are *her arousal triggers?

I know em, I just wanna hear what YOUR take is. LOL.

Oh, I couldn’t possibly make claim to know the arousal triggers of *all *women… .But I am glad you know what you are doing BamaRider. But I suspect you have had an easy ride prancing around in that fireman’s uniform (should be banned - unfair advantage - like a performance enhancing drug)

I can only speak for my missus (and a few old girlfriends) when I say that it’s not Brad Pitts warm lovely voice that pulls the crowds… (any more than Anna Kornikovas (sp?)) serve made for a capacity crowd on centre court)…

 

[thomfra]

**Lust in a marriage:

expecting to satisfy ones own physical desires as top priority

Desire in a marriage:

what leads to making love and giving oneself totally to the other**

Well that is how you chose to define the words. In reality they are one and the same “totally give oneself” - what exactly do you mean by that? I hear that phrase thrown around a lot.

 

[TLM08]

You haven’t answerd the question. “within a marriage”. **What is the difference between lust and desire (assuming you respect and honour your wife). **

To be honest…I think the “women are ***aroused ***by a warm smile and a warm voice” is rubbish.

Here’s an example of lust within marriage:

A married man goes to a bar and spends half the evening dancing with some cute little cigarette smoking, whisky drinking bar fly. Then he goes home and releases all of the evening’s sexual energy on his wife who has been cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking dinner and taking care of sick kids all day.

Rubish you say? Yea right!
Women are simply more sophisticated than us men. Women tend to look into the soul of a man for desirable traits. For men, that is also of great importance but the primary trigger for attraction is her physical attributes. The mature man obviously seeks more than a great body and pretty face. To deny this is to deny reality.