Wow, where do I start on this one? I guess, I have to bring myself back to your age at 21 where, I too, was innocent, and thought well if I got married, then sexually no holds barred, I was going to do whatever anyone else did, because it was within a marriage. WRONG! Dead wrong!
I think what your husband is trying to say is that he never wants to have sex with you, much less ever F*** you. Listen closely, he actually respects you and wants you to understand that those two things are not what he is about and not what you two are about, he may never see you as a sexual being, but something better, something innocent and respectful, something to live for and protect. He could not see that with his past because maybe girls of that nature would not tend to be good mothers or skew their view of what tenderness and mutual respect in a marriage relationship was like.
I have read and gave communion in church, I cannot do those popular culture expectations for any man if I were to continue volunteering in the church, it is just not right, nor does it feel right. I have to admit, I am quite jealous of your relationship, because I still to this day cannot find it for myself.
Another story I remember was off of a call into a radio show where an 18 year old got married and was very disappointed with the intimacy, and got a divorce strictly because of it, I knew what she was thinking, it would be ok because she was married and her family would accept that, and also she was young and wanted to have a lot of “fun” by postponing to have children. She went on to be just another ordinary American who does the mindless dating and trying boys on for a “good fit.”
Don’t laugh, but I have heard this being called anxious virgin syndrome before, where once a girl loses it, she goes on a rampage always wanting more(when I reflect back to high school, this theory was very true, girls around me were going dropping like flies, and not much I can say but be quiet because no one wants to hear a lecture). I do not think it is different for men either. Careful though! Should a woman flee, or man for that matter, into these rampages of meaningless sex, the current culture gives off devastating consequences, esp. STD’s, I already read two stories in these forums, of young ladies who regret their past and resent having to give off to their current relationship, some of those things cannot be reversed. One in two chance of getting something nowadays even with protection or other forms of sex, and god forbid, you may turn and see men as these sex mongers who care nothing for you, but keep you around just for the sex, while you know he cares less about whether you stay in his life or not.
You and this 18 y.o. I spoke of were too young to understand, even I, at this point of my life, am still not fully understanding of it, that’s why this TOB thing is of great interest to me now. I somewhat resent my not having this information in my adolescence. Wow, if I could do it all over again!
Now because your husband has been through the smut of it all(or maybe not all), he wanted to retract that behavior by finding someone pure and unknowing. So by finding you, he figures as long as he doesn’t expose you to all that, that you will not need it because lust is not a loving nor respectful act and a virgin would not know about other things unless she was told otherwise.
Sex, especially for women is very emotional, you never forget your first, right? You have the opportunity to keep him, and even better you get to make love together…forever. I pray that you both can get through this together. I wouldn’t hasten or harden your feelings about this, please give it time and the full discernment it needs, I would hate for you to be in my position in ten years and realize you had it good now!
Lastly, I call upon The Genesis story of Adam and Eve, where God in his wrath questioned Adam about the tree of knowledge, funny how we push education on everyone without really always knowing. Just remember you can still save this marriage by learning more faithfully, understand you are not supposed to know there is more, sometimes too much is too much! Catholicism teaches us that a virgin will work fine without too much sex in a relationship because she knew what it was like without it for so long, and also because she would typically be with child by now and preparing herself for motherhood so as not to be able to have too much relations either. On another note, do not compare yourself to the Joneses and what they are doing. People who do that dwindle later, keep what is special between the both of you, strictly that, for just you and him! Remember why it was you were attracted to him or made you fall in love with him, and try to keep that idea vivid until your 50th anniversary! Our current American/British/Indian cultures(& more I am sure) have put it all out there to the point of bastardization, don’t buy into the hype!
Thanks for the question, you made me think a lot about this and who I am!
My prayers and blessings for your marriage!! Wish I had it!
Hope
Because once you have kids, it’s a whole other challenge. If once a week isn’t enough for you, talk to him about adding another night. Maybe he just doesn’t want to have sex every night. It doesn’t have anything to do with the way you look. You said he has a tiring job. Maybe he is just tired. I hope you work this out!
not so great.
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I think that there is great hope here, just pray for patience…and I will keep you both in my prayers, too. God bless!
. Have the two of you had a long talk about sexual fantasies? It doesn’t seem improbable, that he might have picked up fantasies that he could be afraid of sharing with you. Anyway I hope everything works out, and will pray for both of you.