T
TLM08
Guest
Husbands and wives who love and respect each other are not being lustful while they are enjoying each other’s bodies. I simply do not understand where some people get this idea. 
- Status
T
thomfra
Guest
Ah but spending half of the evening dancing with the bar fly (your example) would be a case of “not respecting” your wife methinks…
Having said this, if the wife has a good time whilst this sexual energy is release…hmmm…
As for “looking at the soul of a man for desiable traits…” well yeah…women and men want somebody they trust and love, who is a good person etc etc…
BUT the *primary *trigger for physical attraction in the sexual sense is looks (for both men *and *women). Of this I am sure!!!
T
thomfra
Guest
I’m saying lust and desire are one and the same. It’s just semantics.Husbands and wives who love and respect each other are not being lustful while they are enjoying each other’s bodies. I simply do not understand where some people get this idea.
A
agapewolf
Guest
It is absolutely NOT semantics.
They are completely different. Lust is the twisting of good. This is authentic Catholic teaching.
There is nothing wrong with purely enjoying your spouse. Enjoying your spouse’s “body” without the soul is lust. You cannot ever separate the body and soul.
T
thomfra
Guest
I think that has been said.
I’m waiting to be convinced of differnce between lust and desire when you actually get aroused with a spouse whom you love and respect. There is none. Semantics.
I
iluvmybabies
Guest
Well, I used to write my honey notes, or a letter, just telling him we needed to talk…I would even send him a card that would say I love you etc but we need to talk…And he would call me and be like what’s all this about? And I would tell him when he would get home he needed to promise he would talk to me about certain things that are on my mind, and he would promise and then we would talk. I would start out with “I FEEL …” and then when he would make faces I would tell him this “I know it seems harsh but I FEEL this and that and this is the way I FEEL right now because of this and this and I FEEL that we need to get on the same page and talk about how to fix it because I FEEL that if we dont I STRONGLY FEEL that our marriage will not work out the way I FEEL it should be working out…” When I went to a marriage counselor he told me to always speak with my husband in the I FEEL mode at all times, and when he would get upset about how I FELT to always remind him they were MY FEELINGS, or respond with, "to love and to hold through sickness and health till death do us part are the vows we said to each other because we FELT this much love for each other, so you are telling me now that MY FEELINGS don’t matter to you or that they bother you? " Then he would apologize and hear me out…Thank you for your comments and thoughts; I really appreciate it. One thing bothers me, though… I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know where to start.My husband is sensitive when it comes to subjects like this. How do I approach it?
So try out one of these ways…and GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!
A
agapewolf
Guest
Being aroused is not lust. You are changing what is actually being said here.
THere is a difference between lust and holy and pure desire. It is NOT a semantics issue. THIS is authentic Catholic teaching.
I
iluvmybabies
Guest
“The Catholic teaching on specific subjects: Lust
Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes. [19]”
“Conjugal love… aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love…which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values.” Catechism, 1643."
“Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” Catechism, 2351"
“The struggle against carnal lust involves purifying the heart and practicing temperance.” Catechism, 2530
“Carnal union is morally legitimate only when a definitive community of life between a man and woman has been established… It demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another.” Catechism, 2391"
“Concretely, what does this path of ascent and purification entail? How might love be experienced so that it can fully realize its human and divine promise? Here we can find a first, important indication in the Song of Songs … In this context it is highly instructive to note that in the course of the book two different Hebrew words are used to indicate ‘love’. First there is the word dodim, a plural form suggesting a love that is still insecure, indeterminate and searching. This comes to be replaced by the word ahabà, which the Greek version of the Old Testament translates with the similar-sounding agape, which, as we have seen, becomes the typical expression for the biblical notion of love. By contrast with an indeterminate, ‘searching’ love, this word expresses the experience of a love which involves a real discovery of the other, moving beyond the selfish character that prevailed earlier. Love now becomes concern and care for the other. No longer is it self-seeking, a sinking in the intoxication of happiness; instead it seeks the good of the beloved: it becomes renunciation and it is ready, and even willing, for sacrifice.” Pope Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est, Part 1, Section 6”
“Through sexual union, couples strengthen their marital relationship and participate in a special way in God’s creation of new life… Sexuality, then, is not merely a matter of biology, nor is it simply a source of personal pleasure. Rather, it concerns, as Pope John Paul II reminds us, in the Apostolic Exhortation, Familiaris Consortio, ‘the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death’ (FC 11). Spouses are called to celebrate their conjugal love by becoming one flesh in the Lord, and to see their sexual intimacy in the context of God’s creative role and the nature of marriage itself.” USCCB on the 25th anniversary of Humane Vitae."
“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object of use. In a sense it can be said that love is a requirement of justice, just as using a person as a means you an end would conflict with justice. In fact to order of justice is more fundamental than the order of love—and in a sense the first embraces the second inasmuch as love can be a requirement of justice.” Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility (42)"
“However, mere pleasure, mere sexual enjoyment is not a good which binds and unites people for long, as Aristotle has most justly observed. A woman and a man, if their ‘mutual love’ depends merely on pleasure or self interest, will be tied to each other just as long as they remain a source of pleasure or profit for each other. The moment this comes to an end, the real reason for their ‘love’ will also end, the illusion or reciprocity will burst like a bubble.” Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility (88)"
I also found this article written by a priest and I like what he has to say, it explains love, sex, pleasure, desire a little better for us to read and see that a physical attraction to your wife or husband is not a sin because it is something shared between the two, but if you lust over your wife in a sense of only relieving tension through sexual intercourse, is a sin, but when their attraction is shared between love making, together, for the unity and purpose of enjoyment for each other and towards each other, then it is not a sin…
Check out the article:
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/MORMAR.txt
I am glad I am learning more about this…
Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes. [19]”
“Conjugal love… aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love…which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values.” Catechism, 1643."
“Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” Catechism, 2351"
“The struggle against carnal lust involves purifying the heart and practicing temperance.” Catechism, 2530
“Carnal union is morally legitimate only when a definitive community of life between a man and woman has been established… It demands a total and definitive gift of persons to one another.” Catechism, 2391"
“Concretely, what does this path of ascent and purification entail? How might love be experienced so that it can fully realize its human and divine promise? Here we can find a first, important indication in the Song of Songs … In this context it is highly instructive to note that in the course of the book two different Hebrew words are used to indicate ‘love’. First there is the word dodim, a plural form suggesting a love that is still insecure, indeterminate and searching. This comes to be replaced by the word ahabà, which the Greek version of the Old Testament translates with the similar-sounding agape, which, as we have seen, becomes the typical expression for the biblical notion of love. By contrast with an indeterminate, ‘searching’ love, this word expresses the experience of a love which involves a real discovery of the other, moving beyond the selfish character that prevailed earlier. Love now becomes concern and care for the other. No longer is it self-seeking, a sinking in the intoxication of happiness; instead it seeks the good of the beloved: it becomes renunciation and it is ready, and even willing, for sacrifice.” Pope Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est, Part 1, Section 6”
“Through sexual union, couples strengthen their marital relationship and participate in a special way in God’s creation of new life… Sexuality, then, is not merely a matter of biology, nor is it simply a source of personal pleasure. Rather, it concerns, as Pope John Paul II reminds us, in the Apostolic Exhortation, Familiaris Consortio, ‘the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death’ (FC 11). Spouses are called to celebrate their conjugal love by becoming one flesh in the Lord, and to see their sexual intimacy in the context of God’s creative role and the nature of marriage itself.” USCCB on the 25th anniversary of Humane Vitae."
“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object of use. In a sense it can be said that love is a requirement of justice, just as using a person as a means you an end would conflict with justice. In fact to order of justice is more fundamental than the order of love—and in a sense the first embraces the second inasmuch as love can be a requirement of justice.” Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility (42)"
“However, mere pleasure, mere sexual enjoyment is not a good which binds and unites people for long, as Aristotle has most justly observed. A woman and a man, if their ‘mutual love’ depends merely on pleasure or self interest, will be tied to each other just as long as they remain a source of pleasure or profit for each other. The moment this comes to an end, the real reason for their ‘love’ will also end, the illusion or reciprocity will burst like a bubble.” Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility (88)"
I also found this article written by a priest and I like what he has to say, it explains love, sex, pleasure, desire a little better for us to read and see that a physical attraction to your wife or husband is not a sin because it is something shared between the two, but if you lust over your wife in a sense of only relieving tension through sexual intercourse, is a sin, but when their attraction is shared between love making, together, for the unity and purpose of enjoyment for each other and towards each other, then it is not a sin…
Check out the article:
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/MORMAR.txt
I am glad I am learning more about this…
T
TLM08
Guest
S
SeekerJen
Guest
No, I think it is more than semantics. Lust is arousal for the physical body only. Proper desire is for the whole person, body and soul.
B
blessourhome
Guest
Hi, everyone!
So things are still weird. Some positive and negative has happened since my last post. Positive: my husband and I had a little talk about the sex thing and he made it clear that it has nothing to do with me. He recognized that he has an issue with the way he views sex. He maintains that he loves to make love with me but that he does feel pressured a lot of the time. One of the last things he said was to teach him how to love because he has trouble and he’s never been married before. I told him I’ve never been married before, either. I guess I have to try though.
Negative: I made a harmless sexy joke the other day and he replied with, “Pressure.” This whole thing is breaking my heart. The worst part is that it’s been days since we’ve done anything and I find that my desire to do so has plummetted. I’ve also started working again and I’m usually tired now as well but I’m shocked at how I’m feeling. I think about the act and I cannot picture doing it now. I’m emotionally drained, I guess. I haven’t initiated and I don’t think I will because I kind of want him to appreciate it in its absence. I’ll randomly cry or mope and he sees it. He’s worried and sad about my state. How can I teach him how to love when I’m still figuring it out for myself? How can I undo the effects of his years of promiscuity that I am suffering and paying for? Any help?
So things are still weird. Some positive and negative has happened since my last post. Positive: my husband and I had a little talk about the sex thing and he made it clear that it has nothing to do with me. He recognized that he has an issue with the way he views sex. He maintains that he loves to make love with me but that he does feel pressured a lot of the time. One of the last things he said was to teach him how to love because he has trouble and he’s never been married before. I told him I’ve never been married before, either. I guess I have to try though.
Negative: I made a harmless sexy joke the other day and he replied with, “Pressure.” This whole thing is breaking my heart. The worst part is that it’s been days since we’ve done anything and I find that my desire to do so has plummetted. I’ve also started working again and I’m usually tired now as well but I’m shocked at how I’m feeling. I think about the act and I cannot picture doing it now. I’m emotionally drained, I guess. I haven’t initiated and I don’t think I will because I kind of want him to appreciate it in its absence. I’ll randomly cry or mope and he sees it. He’s worried and sad about my state. How can I teach him how to love when I’m still figuring it out for myself? How can I undo the effects of his years of promiscuity that I am suffering and paying for? Any help?
I
iluvmybabies
Guest
Ok remember baby steps…The best thing I can tell you is to stop thinking about it…all together, just stop…Play hard to get…maybe it’s wrong to advise you this but I know I would do this with my hubby if things the desire to make love would be diminishing, at least I would not lose hope. First of all sometimes men like the chase, let him chase you then…Don’t mope around him don’t cry…Because then he might see things as he “has” to because he feels sorry for you…not the way to go. So entertain yourself other wise, read the Bible, go out jogging, or walking, go to the gym to “sweat it out” listen to music, read books, keep yourself entertained, go out with friends for coffee or something, give him space…Talk to him more often about other things that have nothing to do with SEX!! Just weather, news, politics, book you are reading, how he’s feeling, what he wants to do, and then tell him what you would like to do, you know, without sex being in the picture…If he just wants to cuddle as much sacrifice as it is, then cuddle with him, and mean while ask him if it’s ok for you to read to him some Bible passages, or a marriage counseling book, etc, and see how he feels about it…Find articles online about how to keep the passion going, the desire etc, and read some to him, explain to him that you are new at this as well, but that you love him and want to make it work, just show your support and he will be very gratified.
One of my friends has found my fiance’s bf, and they clicked automatically, I am so excited because they have so much in common I can’t believe they never met before…She’s Catholic and I am not sure if he is or not but he has been misguided big time with a life of sex before marriage and has a child with a woman whom has cheated on him with at least 40 men, not kidding you!! It’s not an exaggeration, every time he would find out of another guy he would call my fiance and tell him about it and I lost count at 40 but he has been with her since hs so that’s all he knows…and the woman is CHRISTIAN!!!
Anyhow, the point is that they found each other and are in a productive path in their lives now, I saw the sparks fly, and their passion show without them even saying a word! Now that’s amazing!! They stayed up until 10 in the morning talking and it was so romantic…and they both needed that! I honestly believe that was GOD’s work right there…And I think that if they continue talking and having an open communication they will be able to make this a strong relationship…Right now they are just getting to know each other better, but I will pray that they grow to be something wonderful together! Because everyone deserves to find that “perfect” love! And since you all ready have your wonderful hubby now all you have to do is keep things going! As long as both of you want it, it will work!! 
God bless and good luck!!!
F
Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**
It is wrong of him to place this burden on you. This is his problem, as he has freely admitted. But now he is putting the responsibility of fixing it on you? So if things don’t improve it will be because you were not a good enough teacher?
Now, I really doubt he is doing this maliciously… but, if he wants your help this is what you should do: recommend that he gets counselling for his issues. Tell him, lovingly, that it is not your place or responsibility to teach him how to love, it is his. And figuring it out with an expert would be a good place to start and would go miles to show YOU how he loves YOU.
I am not advocating you being selfish and putting your needs above his…I am suggesting that you point him in a helpful direction, like your role as a good wife dictates.**
**
I would also seek counselling separately for myself in your situation. Just because he told you it has nothing to do with you isn’t going to stop that nagging doubt and fear from creeping back in. You need to equip yourself to help him by helping yourself.
And there is hope!!! Many marriages start out this way…I am sorry you are having a rocky start but if you can both work through this you will have a strong marriage and a great future. Prayers for you:hug1:**
K
kage_ar
Guest
Agree with the wise wife who posted above me.
One thing to add - drop the random crying and moping. That will come across as manipulation and/or desperation - neither of which are attractive or have a place in a good marriage.
Your husband is far more likely to find you attractive and desire you if you are happy and confident. Joy attracts joy.
One thing to add - drop the random crying and moping. That will come across as manipulation and/or desperation - neither of which are attractive or have a place in a good marriage.
Your husband is far more likely to find you attractive and desire you if you are happy and confident. Joy attracts joy.
J
Jwlynas
Guest
On topic - It could be many things, but i for one think that your husband just needs a little time.
Love and sex together can be quite a daunting thing for someone used to sex for fun. Its new, exciting, different, miles apart better and more fulfilling. And that can lead one to presume its something else.
If you’re used to the “norm” of premarital sex then with love added to the mix it becomes something much more, and could easily be mistaken for lust, a generally considered to be powerful sexual feeling.
off-topic - I’d like to take a minute here to defend pre-marital sex.
Its not all self-gratification, its mutual gratification. Otherwise people would stay at home, where its a cheaper date and you know exactly where the other participant has been.
I’m a commiter of these acts myself (though haven’t engaged in such sordid activities since I met my current, very catholic, girlfriend) and I never slept with someone I didn’t care for, nor did I ever have one-night stands because frankly, what would you talk about over breakfast?
I can understand the viewpoint that love and sex are disconnected. You kind of have to persuade yourself of that if you want a fulfilling, albeit sinful, sex-life. But he will learn, as many have before and many will again.
Having got married, and gone through the marital courses, you no doubt feel great love for one another. Have faith that it will all be ok and it will. Fret and worry and your lovelife will suffer for it.
Good luck in the future.
Love and sex together can be quite a daunting thing for someone used to sex for fun. Its new, exciting, different, miles apart better and more fulfilling. And that can lead one to presume its something else.
If you’re used to the “norm” of premarital sex then with love added to the mix it becomes something much more, and could easily be mistaken for lust, a generally considered to be powerful sexual feeling.
off-topic - I’d like to take a minute here to defend pre-marital sex.
Its not all self-gratification, its mutual gratification. Otherwise people would stay at home, where its a cheaper date and you know exactly where the other participant has been.
I’m a commiter of these acts myself (though haven’t engaged in such sordid activities since I met my current, very catholic, girlfriend) and I never slept with someone I didn’t care for, nor did I ever have one-night stands because frankly, what would you talk about over breakfast?
I can understand the viewpoint that love and sex are disconnected. You kind of have to persuade yourself of that if you want a fulfilling, albeit sinful, sex-life. But he will learn, as many have before and many will again.
Having got married, and gone through the marital courses, you no doubt feel great love for one another. Have faith that it will all be ok and it will. Fret and worry and your lovelife will suffer for it.
Good luck in the future.
B
blessourhome
Guest
Hello!
Thank you all for your advice and wise words. I will definitely try to avoid all things having to do with sex. I actually have been trying to; that little joke I mentioned was just one instance in several days. The random crying, just so you all know, was never intended to manipulate. I actually didn’t even do it on purpose; it just came out and he happened to notice. The moping I will have to work on more because when I stop being busy, my mind finds its way back to this situation and I start thinking about it again and become sad.
I do have a Catholic counsellor and was supposed to have a general appointment this week. I will have to bring this up. For now, I am trying to avoid all talk of sex and even sex itself because as doubtful as I am that he would initiate, I don’t feel like I’m in the right mindset for it and I kind of want him to see what he would be missing; I want him to see my perspective. If anything, I’ll continue to update.
Thank you all for your advice and wise words. I will definitely try to avoid all things having to do with sex. I actually have been trying to; that little joke I mentioned was just one instance in several days. The random crying, just so you all know, was never intended to manipulate. I actually didn’t even do it on purpose; it just came out and he happened to notice. The moping I will have to work on more because when I stop being busy, my mind finds its way back to this situation and I start thinking about it again and become sad.
I do have a Catholic counsellor and was supposed to have a general appointment this week. I will have to bring this up. For now, I am trying to avoid all talk of sex and even sex itself because as doubtful as I am that he would initiate, I don’t feel like I’m in the right mindset for it and I kind of want him to see what he would be missing; I want him to see my perspective. If anything, I’ll continue to update.
B
blessourhome
Guest
Hi, everyone!
So since the last time I posted, I have seen my counsellor and had several talks with my husband. I have concluded, mostly from my husband, that the reason he does not want to have sex very often is because he has never had the love that precedes sex and wants to develop and enjoy it more. He asked for my patience and of course, I agreed to try and understand more. I do… or I think that I do. I am still completely devastated, I cannot even tell you. In private, I bawl my eyes out over this. I feel so undesired. Most of all, I feel completely cheated. Not only do I feel cheated out of having had so many experiences with him, I waited so long to have sex and I feel I’m STILL waiting. It’s not fair. I think back to when we were dating and how I had to fend him off. Now, I feel like I have to almost convince him to sleep with me. I’ve decided not to initate anymore, though. I’m not going to chase him all the time only to hear constant nos. I’m in so much pain over this. It’s hard to understand where he’s coming from. I always ask him if he feels loved or if he’s okay and he’s always happy and positive when it comes to that and that’s really important to me. I feel like I’m being denied a marital right but I can’t obligate someone to do something that has to come from within. We are newlyweds and have sex once a week. I’m seriously dying inside. Physical touch is my love language and I need the intimacy that comes from sex, not just hugs and kisses, even though I couldn’t live without those. Do you think a prayer/Novena to St. Monica would help? What do I do? How do I remain a supportive and patient wife and at the same time, not slit my wrists out of pain and frustration?
So since the last time I posted, I have seen my counsellor and had several talks with my husband. I have concluded, mostly from my husband, that the reason he does not want to have sex very often is because he has never had the love that precedes sex and wants to develop and enjoy it more. He asked for my patience and of course, I agreed to try and understand more. I do… or I think that I do. I am still completely devastated, I cannot even tell you. In private, I bawl my eyes out over this. I feel so undesired. Most of all, I feel completely cheated. Not only do I feel cheated out of having had so many experiences with him, I waited so long to have sex and I feel I’m STILL waiting. It’s not fair. I think back to when we were dating and how I had to fend him off. Now, I feel like I have to almost convince him to sleep with me. I’ve decided not to initate anymore, though. I’m not going to chase him all the time only to hear constant nos. I’m in so much pain over this. It’s hard to understand where he’s coming from. I always ask him if he feels loved or if he’s okay and he’s always happy and positive when it comes to that and that’s really important to me. I feel like I’m being denied a marital right but I can’t obligate someone to do something that has to come from within. We are newlyweds and have sex once a week. I’m seriously dying inside. Physical touch is my love language and I need the intimacy that comes from sex, not just hugs and kisses, even though I couldn’t live without those. Do you think a prayer/Novena to St. Monica would help? What do I do? How do I remain a supportive and patient wife and at the same time, not slit my wrists out of pain and frustration?
K
kage_ar
Guest
If you are tempted to slit your wrists, please, seek help from a medical professional and also from your Priest.
B
BamaRider
Guest
I don’t* think *she’s being serious Kage, but a sign of frustration.
I dunno Blessour, I wish I could be more help. Lemme ask ya this- If you didn’t intiate would anything *ever *happen?
Kinda of lost me here. I don’t understand this line of thinking. Does he love you?? If he does, why does he say he needs more time to think about it before sex???
What has happened from the time this was goin on-
Till ya get this?-
Yes.
I wish I knew sweetie. Are ya feeling like you’ve been sold a bad bill of goods?? Tell him once a week is not gettin it, (can I say that on CAF?)
I’m no expert but I believe something about his past sexual encounters is the problem, and since this a public forum I’ll let it go at that. Sit him down and have a REALLY frank discussion, because I believe his first excuse is a smoke screen, but thats just me tawkin.
B
blessourhome
Guest
To answer questions:
Well… I don’t know. I’m not initiating now and I haven’t seen anything happen yet.
The way my husband explained it, throughout the time we dated and were engaged, the mentality was don’t have sex. Now, we’re free to but it’s taking him some time to adjust from that mindset to this one. The whole love thing stems from the fact that in his teen years, when he slept around, there was no love in the sex and he felt that these women wanted him only for the act. He still cannot make that disconnect and realize that marital sex is loving, not lustful. Sex, for him, equals lust because that’s what he’s used to. He wants to spend more time cuddling and enjoying the “love” before moving on to sex. That’s what’s devastating, how he views it and how I’m paying for it. I waited and I’m still waiting, even in marriage. I feel like I’m being punished.
The worst part is how he’ll TELL me that I’m attractive and that he wants to have sex with me… but yet he’ll sit there while I’m 100% available. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t feel as attractive anymore. Most of all, I don’t know how to deal with this. He asked for my patience but I am a complete wreck. My depression is spilling over into all aspects of my life. I’m a disaster. I spoke to a Catholic counsellor but I don’t feel I got much advice I could put to use. That’s why I’m running back here. Please, anyone, any words of wisdom? I really need help.
Well… I don’t know. I’m not initiating now and I haven’t seen anything happen yet.
The way my husband explained it, throughout the time we dated and were engaged, the mentality was don’t have sex. Now, we’re free to but it’s taking him some time to adjust from that mindset to this one. The whole love thing stems from the fact that in his teen years, when he slept around, there was no love in the sex and he felt that these women wanted him only for the act. He still cannot make that disconnect and realize that marital sex is loving, not lustful. Sex, for him, equals lust because that’s what he’s used to. He wants to spend more time cuddling and enjoying the “love” before moving on to sex. That’s what’s devastating, how he views it and how I’m paying for it. I waited and I’m still waiting, even in marriage. I feel like I’m being punished.
The worst part is how he’ll TELL me that I’m attractive and that he wants to have sex with me… but yet he’ll sit there while I’m 100% available. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t feel as attractive anymore. Most of all, I don’t know how to deal with this. He asked for my patience but I am a complete wreck. My depression is spilling over into all aspects of my life. I’m a disaster. I spoke to a Catholic counsellor but I don’t feel I got much advice I could put to use. That’s why I’m running back here. Please, anyone, any words of wisdom? I really need help.
- Status