Invited to same-sex wedding, wwyd?

[Bookcat]

If my friend wanted to have an abortion or cheat on his wife --I am not going to approve of such either.

And if I did I would be acting contrary to my friendship as well as cooperating in their sin.

 

[Debora123]

Any ettiquette book will tell you that it is not necessary to send a wedding gift when one has declined the invitation. Miss Manners refers to idea that invitations require gifts as a “shakedown.” Also, it is not necessary to explain why one has declined the invitation. All politeness requires is that one response to the invitation. Either send back the reply card or if there isn’t one, just send a note declining. The traditional wording to decline a formal invitation would go like this:

   Mr. and Mrs. John Smith 
regret that they are unable to accept
Ms. Jones and Ms. Jackson's
   kind invitation for
     Friday, the fourteenth of June

You get the idea. If you use the traditional wording for declining an invition, you will be perfectly polite, and you should not offend anyone. Your reasons for declining are no one else’s business.

I agree with Julianne. This would be perfectly fine IF we were dealing with a more casual friendship than what the OP explains.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Did you not read the OP? There is a 13 YEAR friendship at stake here! This woman has worked with the OP’s husband in a close capacity for 13 years, and she has been close enough to have attended his father’s funeral and sent flowers. She brought food over when the OP had her children. Come on, this friendship is going to take a serious hit if they don’t at least send a gift. If you don’t care about an investment in a work relationship and friendship, then stand on the moral high ground.

I think it’s a shame when we can’t just be decent human beings.

Agreed. Sending a nice, simple gift and moving on would be the best course of action. Things will never be the same if they don’t. And honestly, who could blame her? If I’d bent over backwards in a friendship like that only to have my wedding go unacknowledged I would probably think differently of them too.

But if they for whatever reason just can’t do that an upfront, honest conversation is the best fallback plan.

 

[Bookcat]

Sending a gift is showing approval of the event --so it is not a viable choice.

 

[Fairwinds]

I hope you’re being sarcastic, Fairwinds. Ignoring the occasion is going to hurt this woman, period.

I have to admit an error, the OP did say there was more than a casual friendship. so the formal solution isn’t a good one; its better than other suggested, but not optimal.

friendships come with obligations, among them not to put oneself in the center of another’s day of happiness and at the same time manage to be insulting, so I’d send a gift and probably an expensive one, and hope the friend understood. if the friendship dies, its a mutual loss.

if I had the kind of serious reservations that some people are expressing I wouldn’t be friends.

 

[JackieMom]

Any ettiquette book will tell you that it is not necessary to send a wedding gift when one has declined the invitation. Miss Manners refers to idea that invitations require gifts as a “shakedown.” Also, it is not necessary to explain why one has declined the invitation. All politeness requires is that one response to the invitation. Either send back the reply card or if there isn’t one, just send a note declining. The traditional wording to decline a formal invitation would go like this:

   Mr. and Mrs. John Smith 
regret that they are unable to accept
Ms. Jones and Ms. Jackson's
   kind invitation for
     Friday, the fourteenth of June

You get the idea. If you use the traditional wording for declining an invition, you will be perfectly polite, and you should not offend anyone. Your reasons for declining are no one else’s business.

See, I’ve always operated under the idea that it was customary to send a gift regardless of whether or not you attended. That’s what I’ve always done… I’ve never thought of it as tacit approval, but rather just social convention and etiquette. I’ve definitely sent gifts for second “marriages” invalid ones, imprectical ones that I did not approve of… Ugh. I can’t win here.

 

[Bookcat]

We cannot show approval of a gravely disordered event (see the CCC). And such would be contrary to the friendship itself as well.

 

[Joe_5859]

Sending a gift is showing approval of the event --so it is not a viable choice.

What do you think would be a viable choice? I’m honestly asking. If the friendship has been close and the lack of gift would be noticeable, then what should the OP do?

 

[Bookcat]

See, I’ve always operated under the idea that it was customary to send a gift regardless of whether or not you attended. That’s what I’ve always done… I’ve never thought of it as tacit approval, but rather just social convention and etiquette. I’ve definitely sent gifts for second “marriages” invalid ones, imprectical ones that I did not approve of… Ugh. I can’t win here.

Yes one can win – one simply does not follow the above mentioned practice. One changes it if one has done so in the past.

One shows love personally to the friends in other ways.

 

[JackieMom]

It sure is that.

And next…what about when they decide to have a baby?



I mean…

Haha - they won’t. This friend is at least 58 and her partner is in her 60s. They are two quiet older ladies who do book club and bake and watch the news… I definitely cannot see them having children. Or even adopting older kids, to be honest. She’s more like a kindly older aunt to us than anything. Her neices and nephews are all adults at this point, I don’t think she’s up for anything baby related!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have to admit an error, the OP did say there was more than a casual friendship. so the formal solution isn’t a good one; its better than other suggested, but not optimal.

friendships come with obligations, among them not to put oneself in the center of another’s day of happiness and at the same time manage to be insulting, so I’d send a gift and probably an expensive one, and hope the friend understood. if the friendship dies, its a mutual loss.

if I had the kind of serious reservations that some people are expressing I wouldn’t be friends.

Yes, well…It’s 13 years down the road, too late to turn back the clock. I hope the posters who are recommending to simply send nothing never have a gay person in their lives. Life is all clean and easy when you have that kind of clarity.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Haha - they won’t. This friend is at least 58 and her partner is in her 60s. They are two quiet older ladies who do book club and bake and watch the news… I definitely cannot see them having children. Or even adopting older kids, to be honest. She’s more like a kindly older aunt to us than anything. Her neices and nephews are all adults at this point, I don’t think she’s up for anything baby related!

:coolinoff:

Whew! Well that’s a relief. Best news I’ve had all day.

I say send the bloody gift and keep the friendship.

 

[JackieMom]

Yes one can win – one simply does not follow the above mentioned practice. One changes it if one has done so in the past.

One shows love personally to the friends in other ways.

No, I really can’t, because if I do not send something, I know I will be hurting this person and I will be doing something that makes me feel ugly and awful. If I do send something, it could ptentially convey that we approve of same-sex marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We cannot show approval of a gravely disordered event (see the CCC). And such would be contrary to the friendship itself as well.

Geez Louise…it’s not as if they invited her into their bedroom to watch…



Come ON.

 

[Bookcat]

What do you think would be a viable choice? I’m honestly asking. If the friendship has been close and the lack of gift would be noticeable, then what should the OP do?

Be honest with them. Truth and charity.

One can not approve of that which is objectively gravely disordered – and yet still maintain a friendship with another.

If I friend of mine held that marrying the opposite sex was wrong for they held that having anymore children was wrong. And so they did not come to my wedding - while I would not agree with them --if they are my friend I will know them and know that is what they hold.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No, I really can’t, because if I do not send something, I know I will be hurting this person and I will be doing something that makes me feel ugly and awful. If I do send something, it could ptentially convey that we approve of same-sex marriage.

Please, go and talk to your priest. I have a feeling that he will say you should go ahead and send the gift. But even if he doesn’t, you already know that there will be consequences from not sending a gift.

It would have been nice if she and her friend had stated on the invitation, “No gifts please!” If they are both adults and have their own households, it’s not exactly like a young (heterosexual) couple starting out in life, after all.

 

[Fairwinds]

Yes, well…It’s 13 years down the road, too late to turn back the clock. I hope the posters who are recommending to simply send nothing never have a gay person in their lives. Life is all clean and easy when you have that kind of clarity.

I’d send something, mostly because I’m not riding a high horse and secondly because I got myself into the situation.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No, I really can’t, because if I do not send something, I know I will be hurting this person and I will be doing something that makes me feel ugly and awful. If I do send something, it could ptentially convey that we approve of same-sex marriage.

What does your husband want to do? It’s his co-worker.

If it were mine, he’d send a gift.

 

[Bookcat]

Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!

Truth and Love must be together. We cannot approve of that which is gravely disordered. So no I would not send any gift or card either.

It is difficult to advise how one can practically let her know your affection personally without in anyway showing approval - one certainly cannot show any approval or praise for the event or the relationship.

It may be that if one does not respond at all but simply continue the personal friendship she will - “get the message”.

As Christians - we must bear the difficulties that come with being countercultural and even try as we may – we may not be able to avoid all “offenses” that are “taken” by those who choose differently.

See Catechism:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V

 

[Debora123]

But the idea of giving them a religious gift or giving them a card only addressed to one smacks of self-righteousness.

Giving a religious relic? Yeah, that would be out of place, weird, and self righteous.

Only addressing your friend on the card? I don’t see why/how this is self righteous. Homosexual activity is against our religious beliefs, and we cannot acknowledge this type of union as a marriage. Expecting us to do so would be intolerant and unfair.