Invited to same-sex wedding, wwyd?

[EnglishTeacher]

[IMHO would you go to a Buddhist one? A Hindi? Sikh? Jewish? Muslim? Civil at the courthouse? None of these fit the requirements for a Catholic wedding, yet we attend. Be there, be Catholic, be prayerful, and if questioned, tell people you will discuss it later, not at he reception as that would be tacky.

Not the same thing. The marriages of people from other religions are still valid marriages. A same-sex “wedding,” however, cannot ever result in marriage. Besides, the OP already said that they did not plan on attending. Her question was whether she should send a gift, card, or other form of well-wishes.
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[EnglishTeacher]

Send a nice “all purpose” type card (no wedding card), addressing her only and not her partner.

Write something like “Dear SoAndSo, we cannot attend this event due to our religious convictions. We will be thinking of you and we hope you have a happy day. Thank you so much for your friendship and your kindness for the past 13 years.” (Or perhaps take out the first part completely if you think it best not to mention why you are skipping.)

…And with that include a donation to some type of charity you think she’d like, that would mean something to her. For example, if she loves dogs send her a charity donation to a humane society or something.

BTW, this was totally not my idea. LaSainte gave someone else this exact suggestion on another thread and I thought it was perfect!

I like this idea.

 

[EasterJoy]

[IMHO would you go to a Buddhist one? A Hindi? Sikh? Jewish? Muslim? Civil at the courthouse? None of these fit the requirements for a Catholic wedding, yet we attend. Be there, be Catholic, be prayerful, and if questioned, tell people you will discuss it later, not at he reception as that would be tacky.

Yes, but these are natural marriages, and not any violation of moral law. Jews aren’t required to get married according to canon law, after all!
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[JackieMom]

Send a nice “all purpose” type card (no wedding card), addressing her only and not her partner.

Write something like “Dear SoAndSo, we cannot attend this event due to our religious convictions. We will be thinking of you and we hope you have a happy day. Thank you so much for your friendship and your kindness for the past 13 years.” (Or perhaps take out the first part completely if you think it best not to mention why you are skipping.)

…And with that include a donation to some type of charity you think she’d like, that would mean something to her. For example, if she loves dogs send her a charity donation to a humane society or something.

BTW, this was totally not my idea. LaSainte gave someone else this exact suggestion on another thread and I thought it was perfect!

Hmmmm… I really wasn’t planning to pre-emptively explain why we weren’t coming. It’s out of state, so even if it were a legitimate wedding we wouldn’t go (it’s in July, I’m due in August with number 5.) I know an explaination would only offend her and would not change te outcome of the event, and I do want to be sensitive to her and not make life hard for my husband.

The charity idea is nice, but I wonder if it might be seen as an overt slap in the face?

 

[Aggie414]

Send a nice “all purpose” type card (no wedding card), addressing her only and not her partner.

Write something like “Dear SoAndSo, we cannot attend this event due to our religious convictions. We will be thinking of you and we hope you have a happy day. Thank you so much for your friendship and your kindness for the past 13 years.” (Or perhaps take out the first part completely if you think it best not to mention why you are skipping.)

…And with that include a donation to some type of charity you think she’d like, that would mean something to her. For example, if she loves dogs send her a charity donation to a humane society or something.

BTW, this was totally not my idea. LaSainte gave someone else this exact suggestion on another thread and I thought it was perfect!

I think this is a great solution – I would leave out the “we can’t attend due to our religious convictions,” though. Just, “I’m sorry we cannot attend.”

I love the idea of a donation to a charity. The OP can make sure it’s a charity that is in line with her religious beliefs but be something that the friend enjoys.

 

[Fairwinds]

if someone has a gay friend, then you have an obligation not to socially snub them. that’s just basic human decency. don’t make this about yourself, send the card or a gift or attend, wish them the best. as someone pointed out, if you don’t do something, or make it into an opportunity to preach, expect to lose the friend.

rethink who you choose as friends if this is going to be an issue.

 

[Ridgerunner]

My husband has worked for 13 years with a dear woman who happens to be a lesbian. She has had the same partner for the entire 13 years and they are now “marrying.”

We are, for multiple reasons, one of which is our faith, not attending.

However, this woman has always been a good friend to my husband. She sent lovely gifts when all four of our kids were born, brought us dinner while I recovered from childbirth, always remembers my husband’s birthday at work, attended my husband’s dad’s funeral and sent a beautiful flower arrangement, and is overall someone we like on a personal level very much. She was the first one to make me feel comfortable at office parties and is just overall a sweet person with a very thoughtful heart.

I know etiquette says that a wedding invitation means we send a gift, whether or not we attend. This is the rule I follow, but I am having a hard time determining what our faith leads us to do. Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!

She knows you’re Catholic but nevertheless sent you an invitation to what she has to know is, in your faith, a desecration.

Now, either she does not know she is sending you an invitation to profane yourselves, or she does know. She might have known, but simply didn’t know what to do and sent the invitation as a tentative gesture.

Regardless, in my opinion a Catholic should not endorse a homosexual “wedding” by any means whatever. If you like the worman for other reasons, you can send HER a nice gift sometime or other…birthday, Christmas, something. In a way and at a time totally unrelated to the wedding.

If she understands Catholicism at all, she’ll know why you didn’t go or send anything. If she respects you, she’ll not take it ill anymore than I would take it badly if a Jew at my birthday party wouldn’t eat the pulled pork. Some things you just don’t ask people to do.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hmmmm… I really wasn’t planning to pre-emptively explain why we weren’t coming. It’s out of state, so even if it were a legitimate wedding we wouldn’t go (it’s in July, I’m due in August with number 5.) I know an explaination would only offend her and would not change te outcome of the event, and I do want to be sensitive to her and not make life hard for my husband.

The charity idea is nice, but I wonder if it might be seen as an overt slap in the face?

Yes, it will be seen that way. I think people here are out of touch with the real world sometimes.

I mean, seriously? What’s next, to name a star after them?

Folks, any way you try to dance around this one, the clearly transmitted message by not sending a gift is that the OP’s husband does not consider this woman to be married. Perhaps there are members of her family who are shunning her as well. Does the OP’s husband want to join that side of her life?

I hope their priest can help them puzzle this out. It’s not an easy situation, and then next year will he send them an anniversary card, etc.?

I just thought…if her birthday is anywhere near, maybe he could send her a very nice gift for that??

 

[Kelfa28]

After thinking this through for a few minutes…my advice would be as follows:

Send her a friendship card and a small gift…acknowledging how wonderful of a friend she has been all these years.

Write a lovely note inside that references only the wonderful deeds she has done. Tell her you will be thinking of her. Do not acknowledge the marriage or her relationship with the other woman.
Send her an edible arrangement or flowers or a nice gift and address it to her.

Good luck with this.

 

[adrift]

No, you are incorrect. A marriage is between a man and a woman. Baptized heterosexual Catholics getting married outside the church is still a marriage. And there is hope that one day they will make things right with the church. With homosexual ‘so called marriage’ there is no hope for getting it right with the church because there is no marriage to begin with.

Two different situations here.

Such a “marriage” would be invalid. Doesn’t invalid mean no marriage? I would treat both the same way as Debora123 suggested.

Can. 1108 §1. Only those marriages are valid which are contracted before the local ordinary, pastor, or a priest or deacon delegated by either of them, who assist, and before two witnesses according to the rules expressed in the following canons and without prejudice to the exceptions mentioned in cann. ⇒ 144, ⇒ 1112, §1, ⇒ 1116, and ⇒ 1127, §§1-2.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

I just do not see how you can avoid sending some sort of gift, because it’s going to look an awfully lot like looking down on her since there has been a lot of giving from her side.

I know the other posters are going to climb down my throat but these are the situations where it’s just not clear cut. Your priest may have some ideas and help for you.

I kind of agree with you to a certain degree, but still sending a gift seems an awful lot like approval to me. Especially since they have been nice and giving, some sort of gesture to show that you do care about them would be nice, but the idea of having this gesture directly connected to the “wedding” just seems like a bad idea. I’m not sure what I would actually do (except probably pull some hair out), but depending on how well I knew the person and how I thought they’d perceive various things, I might decline the invitation, not send a gift, but some short time later make a special trip out to visit them a little later on or something similar.

The idea would be to do something to show that you appreciate them as people, and want to be nice and friendly, but without coming across as approving the choice they made. And again in my case, this would all depend on the people and my relationship with them.

 

[mountee]

I just do not see how you can avoid sending some sort of gift, because it’s going to look an awfully lot like looking down on her since there has been a lot of giving from her side.

I know the other posters are going to climb down my throat but these are the situations where it’s just not clear cut. Your priest may have some ideas and help for you.

Not me, I agree. Over a long period of time the OP and her husband have established a relationship with this woman where she has felt comfortable given gifts and making meals. God will understand that being rude and hurting feelings in this case will not be a good idea.

 

[Fairwinds]

I kind of agree with you to a certain degree, but still sending a gift seems an awful lot like approval to me. Especially since they have been nice and giving, some sort of gesture to show that you do care about them would be nice, but the idea of having this gesture directly connected to the “wedding” just seems like a bad idea. I’m not sure what I would actually do (except probably pull some hair out), but depending on how well I knew the person and how I thought they’d perceive various things, I might decline the invitation, not send a gift, but some time later make a special trip out to visit them a little later on or something similar.

The idea would be to do something to show that you appreciate them as people, and want to be nice and friendly, but without coming across as approving the choice they made. And again in my case, this would all depend on the people and my relationship with them.

(emphasis added)

snub them that badly for a public event and it will be too little and too late to make amends in private. don’t have gay friends is this is an issue, even gays are entitled to social courtesies.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

(emphasis added)

snub them that badly for a public event and it will be too little and too late to make amends in private. don’t have gay friends is this is an issue, even gays are entitled to social courtesies.

As I said, how I would react depends on who it was. Some people are thick skinned enough that such a thing would work. With some others, they would understand if the situation was fully explained to them. Some would be okay with it in pretty much any circumstances other than having the situation fully explained to them. Others would just be really, really angry no matter what. (I know people who fall into each category for all kinds of areas, as I’m sure you do as well.)

And I agree that all people deserve social courtesies, I just don’t think that signaling approval of something you don’t approve of is merely a social courtesy. That would make me profoundly uncomfortable and appear to be very dishonest. Recognition of a marriage is more than a mere social courtesy in the same way that a wedding is more than a mere social event.

The view that I am leaning towards at the moment is that I would do the best that I could to refrain from signaling approval of their ceremony while trying my best to maintain the friendship without doing so. If it didn’t work, if the person would refuse to have even a friendship if I did not approve of their wedding, then I would be upset but would accept that as an unfortunate consequence

 

[Debora123]

Hmmmm… I really wasn’t planning to pre-emptively explain why we weren’t coming. It’s out of state, so even if it were a legitimate wedding we wouldn’t go (it’s in July, I’m due in August with number 5.) I know an explaination would only offend her and would not change te outcome of the event, and I do want to be sensitive to her and not make life hard for my husband.

The charity idea is nice, but I wonder if it might be seen as an overt slap in the face?

Yeah, the idea of giving a brief explanation really is a matter of prudence. If you think it best not to mention it, just thank her for her friendship, wish her a good day, and say you are thinking about her.

No go for the charity idea? Hmm, how about some other neutral type gift then? Like a book set you think she’d like or something relating to a hobby you know she’s into. You know, just something personal that is not wedding related…

 

[JackieMom]

Yeah, the idea of giving a brief explanation really is a matter of prudence. If you think it best not to mention it, just thank her for her friendship, wish her a good day, and say you are thinking about her.

No go for the charity idea? Hmm, how about some other neutral type gift then? Like a book set you think she’d like or something relating to a hobby you know she’s into. You know, just something personal that is not wedding related…

I know she’s into baking, so we could go for a basket of gourmet baking supplies. Or possibly a unique fruit tree for the yard?

This situation seems like a no-win regardless!

 

[Bookcat]

Not attend and not send gift.

Avoid showing any kind of approval of the “attempted marriage” or “relationship”.

One loves and respects the persons involved as* persons*…but one can not show approval of such (and even for that reason one does not do so).

 

[Debora123]

I know she’s into baking, so we could go for a basket of gourmet baking supplies. Or possibly a unique fruit tree for the yard?

There ya go!

This situation seems like a no-win regardless!

Nah.

This might probably be perfectly acceptable if you address it to her only and not mention anything about the getting “married” part lol. It just takes tact and knowing her and what would be ok to her.

Personally if I had a friend of a different religion and they saw my Catholic wedding as invalid and could therefore not attend, I wouldn’t be offended at all if they were upfront with me about it. I would totally understand. But perhaps she is different, and it is best left unsaid.

 

[Bookcat]

Catechism:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V

 

[Thomas_Jennings]

I’m a devout Christian…and I would personally say that there is nothing in the Bible that is against homosexuality. Anyway, even if it is sinful for gays to marry, what difference would it make if you attend or not? She won’t ‘throw in the towl’ if you’re not there and if you are there for her, the closer you may become and the more likely it is you could introduce Christianity to her…and if she draws close to God, HE will show her what is right or not, whatever that may be…