Is a 'spark' always necessary?

[dianaballein]

Truthfully how important is the ‘spark’? Doesn’t the chemical attraction often disappear anyway, and people get the strange idea they don’t ‘love’ each other any more. The ‘spark’ isn’t love. It’s not essential to a wonderful relationship built on friendship, mutual affection and mutual respect. Look at the percentage of marriages that fail, because the ‘spark’ was given so much importance, and when it dies out in the ordinary wear and tear of live, they have little or nothing left. Is that building on sand? You may have solid ground in the relationship as you describe it. If you show the little considerations and little tendernesses, you can grow a warm fire that is a great deal more warming and lasting than the ‘spark’!

I think it’s incredibly important to desire and be physically attracted to one’s life partner. You don’t want to feel like the physical side of the relationship is an obligation or a chore. Why do you think Panda’s have a hard time mating, besides the fact that they eat all day? Would you want to be forced to mate with someone who looks just like you?

 

[BamaRider]

Would you want to be forced to mate with someone who looks just like you?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

[dianaballein]

Marriage is not about feelings - that is so contrary to what modern culture tells us, and look at how well modern culture is doing with marriage. Marriage is a vocation, marriage is a sacrament.

God created marriage - what was the first thing that God said? Did He say “it is not good that man does not have that spark with someone” or “it is not good that man does not have someone to be romantic with” - nope, God said “it is not good for man to be alone”.

The Catechism is very clear about marriage:

1601 “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.”

**1652 **“By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory.”

Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: “It is not good that man should be alone,” and “from the beginning [he] made them male and female”; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day.

Marriage is about feelings. It is a vow and a committment born out of LOVE. Why would you propose to someone you had no feelings for, or even lukewarm ones? Life is hard enough. Wading through the sea of life is meant to be done with your better half, the love of your life, that part of your soul that creates the perfect circle.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never ends.”

Sparks do not always create roaring, out of control fires. They also are necessary to create that long, slow burn of comfort and warmth. Marriage should not be a business merger. How sad, how sad.

 

[kage_ar]

Marriage is about feelings. It is a vow and a committment born out of LOVE. Why would you propose to someone you had no feelings for, or even lukewarm ones? Life is hard enough. Wading through the sea of life is meant to be done with your better half, the love of your life, that part of your soul that creates the perfect circle.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never ends.”

Sparks do not always create roaring, out of control fires. They also are necessary to create that long, slow burn of comfort and warmth. Marriage should not be a business merger. How sad, how sad.

If you will go back and read what the CCC says (and if you dig deeper into the source Church documents), you will see what I am failing in saying.

Try it like this. Romantic love, sparks, butterflies, those are emotions. Two people would be unwise to base enter a vocation, a sacrament, based on nothing but feelings.

The sacrament of Marriage does not requie romance and sparks.

That does not mean that it is wrong to have romantic feelings for the one you are going to marry or the one you are married to, it is very nice to feel romantic love.

The sacrament does not DEPEND on romantic love, and the commitment and the kind of love that is a choice will sustain the couple when the romance fades, and it will still be there when the sparks return.

As long as the foundation is firm, it won’t shake when the spark goes dim.

God made food taste good, but food’s purpose is to nourish us and wholesome food will nourish us even when it does not taste good.

Marrige should be wholesome nutrition, not an emotional twinkie.

 

[DL82]

Thanks for all your responses. I’m beginning to find that the hardest thing about not having that ‘spark’ at the beginning of a relationship is actually convincing myself that I’m ‘in a relationship’ at all.

I know I’ve been out lots of times with this woman, that we have spoken at length, but it still just feels like a friendship to me.

In particular, I don’t feel closed to other possibilities. That was never an issue with my ex, where I just knew I wouldn’t even want to look at another woman.

How do I overcome this wandering desire. I know I ought to be faithful in thought as well as in deed. I really am trying to convince myself that I ought to be faithful, and I guess it will come with time, but the ‘spark’ did make all of that much easier.

I realise I shouldn’t base my faithfulness to my significant other on feelings, because when those feelings go, so will the faithfulness, but I haven’t ever had to base it on anything else, dating as a Catholic is still very new to me, and I’d appreciate any advice.

 

[purelovemmc]

It seems even from ‘Love and Responsibility’ there is a presumption that people will begin a loving relationship with some level of emotional desire for one another.

I’ve started spending time with someone who is a wonderful person, very caring, intelligent, and who I get on really well with. I’ve been trying to look at the situation purely from a self-giving ‘agape’ perspective, and think she likes spending time with me, and that I might have something to give her in a relationship. I don’t find her unattractive, there just isn’t a ‘spark’, but the more I pray for it, the more I find myself being given the desire to be with her.

Should I stop kidding myself, or should I continue to pray for the desire to desire her?

In my opinion, spark isn’t necessary. I experienced the spark but I feel like this is only because I’m less experienced in terms of the dating world. Perhaps you’ve had previous relationship where there was an intense spark that’s why this time there’s not so much of a spark.
If that’s not the case, then just continue spending time with her. I’m sure that somehow sometime, she will cause that little spark in you, perhaps when you start talking about Church or God.

 

[griffibo]

Hello there,

Sorry - this is a bit long.

My husband and I didn’t have a spark. In the beginning we didn’t know if the relationship was going anywhere at all. We even talked about it - about the fact that there was not the usual ‘spark’ that we’d felt for people in the past. Obviously we liked each other a lot! But there was just no magic, as it were.

On reflection we realised that in the past we had tended to base the quality and health of our relationships on there being a spark, and that what we had together was entirely different.

I don’t know if this applies to you, but we had both previously lived non-christian lives and had sexual relationships etc. In fact, for the first time in our lives we both actively made a choice to date according to Christian principles.

So the whole idea of coming back to Christ, meeting each other, failing to see a spark, and yet deciding to continue to date (and remain chaste) was a bit of an odd decision for both of us.

Anyway, long story short, I believe it was God who removed the spark in order that we could have the freedom to see what he had given us in each other. To see the person instead of the sexual attraction. To see the choice to love, instead of the desire to possess. And to experience the ultimate respect and grace of being able to give our bodies to each other only within the sacrament of marriage. I tell you what, there was more anticipation in the lead up to our marriage than I had ever felt before.

I fully recommend courting someone for whom you feel no spark. If you like them in many other ways. It sure worked for us.

My relationship with my husband is deeper than any relationship I’ve had before in terms of love, respect, kindness, and generosity. I could not have found a relationship like this one if left to my old devices of looking for passionate attraction.

All the best and God bless,
xxx

 

[DL82]

“I fully recommend courting someone for whom you feel no spark. If you like them in many other ways. It sure worked for us.”

Thanks Griffibo, I appreciate this. I’m not sure whether I can say I like them in other ways, but rather that I know I ought to like them. I know if I sat down and wrote out a list of all the things God wants and needs me to have in a relationship, I’d be able to tick most of them off. I still have lots of reservations though, first the age difference, though not a difference in maturity, there is 9 years between us, which means there won’t be much time left for having children by the time such a slow-growing relationship reaches marriage. Second, I am just not used to the much more laid-back close-knit culture of her Irish Catholic roots, though I realise as a convert I need to get myself rooted into the wider Catholic culture of the place I’m living. Most importantly though, I don’t know what I have to offer in return, except that I know that this woman feels called to marriage, I feel called to marriage, and she might not have many more chances left, and she seems drawn to me. I had always thought that I would wait after the relationship disaster I had with my ex, and I had told myself I would wait 7 years, because that would give us both time to mature and be certain our break-up was a mistake, and time to forget, but I can’t expect this girl to wait that long. By that time, she’d be 42, and I might be a totally different person. I guess this is God’s way of saying ‘don’t plan so far ahead’!

I can see the joy of self-sacrifice in this relationship, and not a lot else. I look at our future and see the cross, and that alone keeps me wanting to want to love her.

[Oh, and just to make matters even more complicated, I recently met a girl who makes me laugh and who seems very compatible with me in lots of ways, personality, intelligence, and who I do feel that ‘spark’ of attraction to, but who is not a Catholic and has a fairly cynical attitude to faith and God. I know what I feel for her should only be desire to bring her to faith, and I know from experience that evangelism and dating are a bad combination - you need to love your future spouse as she is, not for what you can make her into, not even what God can make her into - but that’s just confusing me. I’d never have had such thoughts of unfaithfulness with my ex, because we had that spark that kept us together long enough for a real exclusive love to develop.]

 

[BamaRider]

I fully recommend courting someone for whom you feel no spark. If you like them in many other ways. It sure worked for us.

You had* no *physical attraction whatsoever towards your husband when you met him?

Or did you have them and just didn’t act on it? Which is a whole lot different. I don’t understand.

I was never in a relationship where I had to talk myself into being physically attracted to her, either I was, or I wasn’t. And if I wasn’t, I wasn’t interested in a romantic kind of relationship with her. All because you have those feelings, doesn’t mean you act on them, but I had to at least have them. But men are wired different I guess.

 

[dianaballein]

DL82,

I can’t help but sense a sadness in your posting. A longing. A wanting to love this girl, but deep down, you know you do not love her. IMO, I think a marriage does need love in order to flourish. It almost sounds like you are doing her a favor…and no woman wants a man to marry her out of a sense of “well, I am here and no one else is”. You both deserve better.

 

[dianaballein]

You had* no *physical attraction whatsoever towards your husband when you met him?

Or did you have them and just didn’t act on it? Which is a whole lot different. I don’t understand.

I was never in a relationship where I had to talk myself into being physically attracted to her, either I was, or I wasn’t. And if I wasn’t, I wasn’t interested in a romantic kind of relationship with her. All because you have those feelings, doesn’t mean you act on them, but I had to at least have them. But men are wired different I guess.

No, I agree with you Bama…it has nothing to do with how men think or women think, IMO.

 

[DL82]

DL82,

I can’t help but sense a sadness in your posting. A longing. A wanting to love this girl, but deep down, you know you do not love her. IMO, I think a marriage does need love in order to flourish. It almost sounds like you are doing her a favor…and no woman wants a man to marry her out of a sense of “well, I am here and no one else is”. You both deserve better.

I wouldn’t marry her if I still feel the same way I do now. But I’m not sure whether to keep going with a ‘romantic friendship’ let’s say, in the hope that the longing will slowly give way to a deeper love. I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking others’ advice.

Anybody have that kind of longing, and it turned into love?

 

[griffibo]

Hi there again,

I wonder if you are putting some pressure on yourself to perform to a standard of self sacrifice, when the reality is that you are simply not ready to have a relationship with anyone just yet? If you are putting pressure on yourself, why are you? Although your friend may be time limited in regard to marrying and having a family, you are not called to enter the Sacrament of Marriage under duress - not even from yourself!

Going back to my husband and me, there was no spark but there was definitely a lot of laughter, a lot of irritation (he was extremely annoying!), and a lot of doubt, but all the while God was definitely and clearly leading us toward mutual growth and ever increasing closeness. And I really liked him. I did not know i ought to like him, I really did like him. There is a world of difference.

While you are a spiritual being, it is important to remember that you are also human. Although you obviously feel comradeship and compassion for your friend, this is not the same as romantic love (as you will know from past experience).

By the way, as you could guess, I would strongly agree with you that dating someone who is not a practicing Catholic would not be a safe road to travel.

Perhaps you just need some more time to be single. Perhaps you still have strong emotional ties to your ex-girlfriend.

Remember (unfair as it is to the women!) that as a single male in a Catholic environment, you will have plenty of opportunity to find your wife. You don’t have to knock yourself out looking for her. God will show you the way when you’re ready.

I hope this was some help and not just more confusing!

God bless
xxx

EDIT: PS. I have to say that when you do find your wife-to-be she will be a very lucky lady indeed.

 

[dianaballein]

Hi there again,

I wonder if you are putting some pressure on yourself to perform to a standard of self sacrifice, when the reality is that you are simply not ready to have a relationship with anyone just yet? If you are putting pressure on yourself, why are you? Although your friend may be time limited in regard to marrying and having a family, you are not called to enter the Sacrament of Marriage under duress - not even from yourself!

Going back to my husband and me, there was no spark but there was definitely a lot of laughter, a lot of irritation (he was extremely annoying!), and a lot of doubt, but all the while God was definitely and clearly leading us toward mutual growth and ever increasing closeness. And I really liked him. I did not know i ought to like him, I really did like him. There is a world of difference.

While you are a spiritual being, it is important to remember that you are also human. Although you obviously feel comradeship and compassion for your friend, this is not the same as romantic love (as you will know from past experience).

By the way, as you could guess, I would strongly agree with you that dating someone who is not a practicing Catholic would not be a safe road to travel.

Perhaps you just need some more time to be single. Perhaps you still have strong emotional ties to your ex-girlfriend.

Remember (unfair as it is to the women!) that as a single male in a Catholic environment, you will have plenty of opportunity to find your wife. You don’t have to knock yourself out looking for her. God will show you the way when you’re ready.

I hope this was some help and not just more confusing!

God bless
xxx

so well put

 

[inJESUS]

Me too i feel stress and sadness in your posts…don’t stress yourself…give it some time and you will know if you really can marry this person for the rest of your life or nor…first time i hear a marriage not done yet called a cross…take it easy.if meant to be it will happen, if not it will not.

 

[MCGar]

and she might not have many more chances left, and she seems drawn to me. …
…
…
I can see the joy of self-sacrifice in this relationship, and not a lot else. I look at our future and see the cross, and that alone keeps me wanting to want to love her…
…
…

Ok, first off: "What the ever-loving-heck!?!? She might not have many more chances left!!!

 

[griffibo]

McGar,

I wonder if perhaps you are being a little harsh on the OP.

He seems to have started this thread to clear his mind about what is an appropriate course of action given how HE feels about the woman he is dating.

I believe it is very responsible of him to investigate his own intentions, and to try to examine his Christian ethos in regard to the situation.

It seemed to me he is not suggesting proposing marriage at this early stage, he is just investigating whether he should continue dating a person he feels he ‘ought to like’ but does not actually particularly like.

Anyway, I didn’t get the impression he was overlooking her position - just that this post was an enquiry into what his appropriate course of action is in light of how he feels about her, rather than the other way around. That is, should he sacrifice his desires and place her above himself at this early stage despite his evident confusion about things.

Best regards
xxx

 

[MCGar]

I thought the same thing until his later post about her not having many more chances. That is a very slippery selfish slope to go down in regards to how one thinks about a potential relationship.

I know for a fact that if my fiance had at the beginning of our relationship expressed that sentiment then I would not participate in having him court me.

And I think if anyone here puts themselves squarely in the position of this woman who might be interested in him, they might agree.

 

[griffibo]

Yes, I can see what you’re saying. I wonder if the OP is thinking about things in a slightly confused way due to the pressure he seems to be placing on himself to make a decision in this regard.

God bless
xxx

 

[MCGar]

Yes, I also feel like he’s putting pressure on himself to make this decision.

But I also feel like he’s putting pressure on himself to use this situation to further his altruistic notions of himself…and in the process…losing that self-sacrifice needed in order to be considerate of the other person’s feelings and wants.

I’m not trying to be mean to the OP.

Not one of us want to hear that we might be acting selfishly or with a false sense of holy intentions (refer back to the comment of his wanting to love her to because he sees this cross).

But sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own thinking that we fail to see outside of ourselves. Sometimes we need to hear that our thought process is showing our selfishness, or possible inconsideration.

Yeah it stings but sometimes it can be really good to hear that sort of feedback so you can step back and adjust your thinking, you know?