Is he going to propose?

[chevalier]

Thanks for the advice! It’s blunt, but that’s how I operate That was my “mental timeline”: New Year’s and that’s it.

Perhaps if he crosses the line, he isn’t for you.

I guess it’s getting uncomfortable in the sense that all his coworkers and friends are Catholic so they are obviously asking him “hey so when are you going to propose?”

Well, that’s enough to awaken an urge of defiance in someone. “Hey so when are you going to mind your own business and leave me alone SVP?”

 

[JimG]

He is the type of guy that would propose romantically and the whole nine yards. He has already said that by next summer he would like to get married and he even asked me when would be a good date so my family can come in and so forth. I guess I’m just getting a little impatient, because to plan a wedding (book the church and the priest, especially) takes time and I feel like we’re running out of time.

OK, so he has asked you to set a date–and you didn’t? Does this not count as a proposal?

I’m not getting how he can say: "I want to be married–to you, by next summer, and what would be a good date?–but oh, I’m not proposing just yet, so don’t make any plans.

 

[Augustinian82]

OK, so he has asked you to set a date–and you didn’t? Does this not count as a proposal?

I’m not getting how he can say: "I want to be married–to you, by next summer, and what would be a good date?–but oh, I’m not proposing just yet, so don’t make any plans.

Well, it was not a proposal… that’s what is confusing about it … I know him and I know he wants to make it “special,” is just that a few months have passed since we had that conversation and now

 

[JimG]

Well, I will just say a prayer that the impulse to make a formal proposal hits him soon. Men can sometimes have a tendency to procrastination or indecision. Maybe his guardian angel could give him a little shove.

 

[danimay]

The big issue here, in my opinion, is his lack of love and consideration of you. If he truly cares for you and wants to marry you, why is he postponing to the point of causing you pain? The man is not unaware of the effect his lack of action is having on you. And he is not going to be more considerate of you after you are married, that you can count on. I hope he proposes tonite…but if you were one of my daughters, I would tell you to move on and find someone who will cherish you and desire to be with you and who wants very much to make you his wife. :hug1:

 

[Augustinian82]

danimay,

You nailed it. That is the biggest issue . I feel like just breaking up tonight… but what if he is planning to propose next month? I know what he would say if I just ask him to leave me alone: “We will get married soon.” What should one do in that kind of situation?

 

[Little_Mary]

I need to take a different perspective here…

Forget about the proposal for now, and setting a date. When going through Catholic marriage prep, you aren’t supposed to set a date until you’ve taken the foccus test.

There are 2 elements to marriage prep: Discernment, then actual preperation. I STRONGLY encourage all couples to go to “pre-engagement” counseling with a priest and a mentor couple. Don’t get caught up in wedding fluff. Make sure that this relationship is sturdy, focused on Christ, that your morals and values are in line, and that you have spent a ton of time praying together. Get a spiritual director. Do all this before you buy a dress and put down a deposit on the reception hall. When money is tied up in a wedding date, the less freedom you have to say “no”.

I am in no way supposing anything here, but his avoiding setting a date are sometimes a symptom of when a couple is sexually active before marriage. I’m not asking if you are, but one leads to the other often.

Very good point. AND if he is serious about you, he will go through all of this. If he is not serious, it might be just enough to send him running into the hills, and while this might be sad for you at first, it would save a lot of heartache in the long run…

 

[danimay]

danimay,

You nailed it. That is the biggest issue . I feel like just breaking up tonight… but what if he is planning to propose next month? I know what he would say if I just ask him to leave me alone: “We will get married soon.” What should one do in that kind of situation?

My advise to my child…who is the person I would want the best for…would be to just break it off and move on. If it makes you feel better to wait until the new year, then that will be alright. But you could go on for years thinking “What if he is planning to propose next month, or next week, or tomorrow?” I would suggest that you don’t mention marriage again…just go on being yourself for the next 2 months, then, if by that point he hasn’t proposed out of his own desire…not out of your desire…then I would suggest that you just end the relationship…and I mean “close the door” , not just make some dramatic show of “breaking up” just so he will want you more. If he doesn’t already love you “enough”, nothing you can do will make him love you more. You don’t want a marriage that you had to talk him into. You want your future husband to want to see you RUNNING down the isle toward him, and you don’t want to have to lure him to the alter. You want him standing there out of true desire, excitement, and certainty.

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

I think you should give him some space and time alone to think about what he wants. I don’t mean to play crazy games, but to just get yourself busy with some projects and let him have some more time to contemplate. Alone.

I think that should bring him around pretty quickly.

Whatever you do, don’t ask him about marriage again. You would be better off assuming he won’t marry you than to pester him about it.

Getting very busy - being less available to him now - will either let him see just how much you mean to him, or how little. And, it will let him make up his mind without feeling pressured.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

You want him standing there out of true desire, excitement, and certainty.

**So true!!! It is so easy to lose sight of the big picture when our emotions get involved. But that’s what it comes down to ultimately… everyone deserves (and should expect) to be with someone who wants **to be with them with all of their heart, mind, and soul!

Marriage is about more than just “getting along” on the surface. The daily struggles of married life need not be complicated by one or both spouses not meeting the others needs.

Malia

 

[SMHW]

Getting very busy - being less available to him now - will either let him see just how much you mean to him, or how little. And, it will let him make up his mind without feeling pressured.

This sounds like very good advice to me.

OP, you are probably spending a lot more time and energy than you realize waiting for this man to act. This is energy that you could be devoting to work, personal hobbies, your family, further education, friends, pets, travel, etc. (I think you may have mentioned you know him through Church ministry or I would have included that.)

If you involve yourself in these other endeavors then you won’t be so concerned as to whether or not he asks you to marry him.

If he does eventually ask and you decide to say yes, then you can readjust your time priorities as necessary. If he never asks then you will be busy pursuing the activities that only single people have time for.

 

[Sr_Sally]

I would be so much worried about time to plan the wedding itself, as the marriage as a whole. How long is pre-cana in your parish? Do you attend the same parish? Can you speak to the priest about marriage prep and any reccommendations he has for engaged couples? Over in the other thread about paying for use of the church, I decided that getting married right after a regular Mass would be so romantic! And no need to spaz out about a big day!

 

[catechumen08]

Catechumen,

Fair in what sense?

How long are you willing to wait for him and put your life on hold for him? Does he appreciate you making these sacrifices for the sake of being together?

 

[whatevergirl]

The big issue here, in my opinion, is his lack of love and consideration of you. If he truly cares for you and wants to marry you, why is he postponing to the point of causing you pain? The man is not unaware of the effect his lack of action is having on you. And he is not going to be more considerate of you after you are married, that you can count on. I hope he proposes tonite…but if you were one of my daughters, I would tell you to move on and find someone who will cherish you and desire to be with you and who wants very much to make you his wife. :hug1:

Yep–I stand by this post, the most here. Both of you should have the genuine desire and decision to want to marry one another. Again, you will not be happily married for long, knowing that a proposal didn’t come, except at your urging.

 

[Augustinian82]

Well, I broke it off last night and he said that he was going to propose in December… that “November was going to be the last month for his discernment” Anyway, his mixed signals have really turned me off from marriage now, so I’m standing firm in my decision to not go back together.

Thanks everybody for taking time to write about this issue.

God bless

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Well, I broke it off last night and he said that he was going to propose in December… that “November was going to be the last month for his discernment” Anyway, his mixed signals have really turned me off from marriage now, so I’m standing firm in my decision to not go back together.

Thanks everybody for taking time to write about this issue.

God bless

**You (and he) have my prayers.

He has proved that he is not ready for marriage. He sounds very confused. How could he be “going to propose” in December if he hadn’t finished his discernment yet?

As painful as it is, I believe you absolutely did the right thing. My DD is still just a baby, but I hope that as a young woman she will have as much wisdom and courage as you do and have the strength to make the right decisions even if they are very tough.

You seem like a very faith filled young woman. Continue to serve our Lord and focus on Him and He will lead you where you need to be.

Malia:console:
**

 

[MCGar]

Well, I broke it off last night and he said that he was going to propose in December… that “November was going to be the last month for his discernment” Anyway, his mixed signals have really turned me off from marriage now, so I’m standing firm in my decision to not go back together.

Thanks everybody for taking time to write about this issue.

God bless

:console: I just wanted you to know I think what you did was a very brave thing. It will hurt like heck now but in a couple of years your life will be in a total different place because of your decisive action and you’ll be proud of yourself, not to mention more secure and confident in where your life is going.

It looks like he had ‘plans’ that he was following that did not include letting YOU in on it. Alteast not until he was ready to make some sort of decision. That’s just not cool.
He wanted you to ‘offer up’ the suffering that he was putting you through. Maybe because he believed that this sort of suffering was part of his journey…his big mistake was that he didn’t seem to share that thought process with you, even though you made it clear to him you were troubled by all the vagueness.

I’m not trying to rub salt in the wound, just reaffirm your decision.

 

[CarrieH]

I am sorry for the pain you must be suffering right now, but I am glad for you that you found the courage to break things off. :console: It seems that it was always about him, that he gave little consideration to your feelings about various things. He kept you in the dark about his true feelings, and with someone who is secretive like that, you never know what they are up to behind your back and it makes it very hard to trust them. I truly believe that you did the right thing, and now you are free to find someone who will love you and share with you the way a husband is supposed to. I’ll say a prayer for you. Good luck and God bless.

 

[dulcissima]

It does sound like you knew him pretty well. Good for you for addressing that uncomfortable feeling that you had. Making a change can be really scary, so just wanted you to know that I think it is great that you were willing to make that change and not just accept the status quo. I know that has been a problem for me in the past, and the longer you put it off the more painful it is. I really do think you made the right decision for both of you though.

 

[Augustinian82]

Thanks everybody… I think that my biggest issue is that he always thought that I was not supposed to be part of the “decision process” that he had to do everything on his own. Apparently, he was going to propose after flying to see his parents and talk to them in person about the finances for the wedding, because my parents do not want me to get married at all (not because of who I’m dating, they just say I’m too young and I’m 25), so they won’t pay for the wedding.

What it sounds to me is that he hadn’t made up his mind, so he was just winning time to see if he could be as ready as I was to get married.

That’s fine if a guy wants to surprise his girlfriend with the proposal, but as some of you have pointed out, those are just technicalities, the preparation for marriage should be done together.

Is that normal, that the man is doing everything on the background not bringing the woman into the loop? What has been your experience?