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Marie5890
Guest
For me and my siblings, it was better for us that our parents divorced, so I don’t think there is a steereotypical answer that fits all situations.
Talk to your pastor
Talk to your pastor
Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children?
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Meagan34
Guest
Just offering my experience as a child.
My parents marriage definitely hit a difficult stage when my siblings and I were young. At first all the fighting was done at night and then slowly but surely the fact that their love for each other was over made itself present in all aspects of their parenting. They became civil with each other when they decided to stay together “for our sake”. But it was just that. They were civil and as “loving” as two aquaintances that hadn’t seen each other since college. Eventually they both had separate rooms, and it got to a point where my father started smoking again and my mother began needing antidepressants to cope ‘lovingly’ with every passing day. There was no visible fighting or yelling but both of my parents always looked tired, worn, and lonely.
Until one day my mother couldn’t take it anymore and before I went off to college (I’m the eldest) we had coffee and she confessed that she and my father hadn’t had any kind of love in their relationship for several years. They tried their best with marriage counseling, vacations, time alone but nothing could help and they were going to divorce. This was the first time she ever discussed the relationship with any one of their children and I felt sorry that for what my parents both had to go through all those years. They did divorce and eventually married other people. My parents remained good friends afterwards and frankly, my siblings and I were much happier because we never had to be around that unspoken tension that could be felt whenever both parents were in the house together.
My opinion is that the op should try her absolute hardest to rekindle her marriage, put as much effort as she and her husband both can into making this work. Perhaps this is just a rough spot that will pass with time and communication? But if she decides there is nothing else that can be done I truly don’t see how a loveless marriage can be better than a divorce. I don’t believe love is a ‘choice’ either because then why would someone make a choice to put themselves in that type of situation? Prayers for this persons marriage.
My parents marriage definitely hit a difficult stage when my siblings and I were young. At first all the fighting was done at night and then slowly but surely the fact that their love for each other was over made itself present in all aspects of their parenting. They became civil with each other when they decided to stay together “for our sake”. But it was just that. They were civil and as “loving” as two aquaintances that hadn’t seen each other since college. Eventually they both had separate rooms, and it got to a point where my father started smoking again and my mother began needing antidepressants to cope ‘lovingly’ with every passing day. There was no visible fighting or yelling but both of my parents always looked tired, worn, and lonely.
Until one day my mother couldn’t take it anymore and before I went off to college (I’m the eldest) we had coffee and she confessed that she and my father hadn’t had any kind of love in their relationship for several years. They tried their best with marriage counseling, vacations, time alone but nothing could help and they were going to divorce. This was the first time she ever discussed the relationship with any one of their children and I felt sorry that for what my parents both had to go through all those years. They did divorce and eventually married other people. My parents remained good friends afterwards and frankly, my siblings and I were much happier because we never had to be around that unspoken tension that could be felt whenever both parents were in the house together.
My opinion is that the op should try her absolute hardest to rekindle her marriage, put as much effort as she and her husband both can into making this work. Perhaps this is just a rough spot that will pass with time and communication? But if she decides there is nothing else that can be done I truly don’t see how a loveless marriage can be better than a divorce. I don’t believe love is a ‘choice’ either because then why would someone make a choice to put themselves in that type of situation? Prayers for this persons marriage.
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Graceful_Lamb
Guest
This.
Also, kids can pick up on things that are going on, even if it isn’t happening right in front of them. Your child will know that the two of you aren’t getting along, even though it may not be said. Your tone of voice, your body language, demeanor, etc. towards each other will speak volumes.
I know it is not Catholic to divorce, but if you are both only staying for the kid, that doesn’t sound good.
Also, if you just stay together for your child, your child will grow up to think that it is okay to do just that if/when they get married. If they have problems, they may just stay with their spouse just for the kids, like his parents did.
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Marie5890
Guest
It’s a bad thing for a child to see a loveless marriage because that will become their norm and what they may end seeking, or worse, decide marriage is not for them, based on their parents example and just decide to have a relationship w/o marriage.
Children are going to know if mom and dad don’t love each other, ands that will be their example as they grow into adulthood.
Children are going to know if mom and dad don’t love each other, ands that will be their example as they grow into adulthood.
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Polluted
Guest
Think about what you are saying. All I have is the utmost respect for you because even though you found yourself in a vulnerable spot…you gave it your all. You truly did the will of God even though it meant the worst kind of deception. You and the Lord both know where you stood in that marriage…and you even give credit to God for not letting you be “crushed”.I agree with this. Wholeheartedly. Beautifully said.
But even when our hearts are pure, and we love, sometimes bad things happen to good people. That is the reality. Even when our hearts are on Him. Even when we give something our all.
Don’t get me wrong. I want the OP to have a successful marriage. But I am afraid for her, because my ex refused marriage counseling, too, with the exact same excuse, and BOOM. I was suddenly blindsided, needing a lawyer.
Absolutely, love is a choice. I only pray that what happened to me, doesn’t happen to anyone else.
OP, try to do what the others are telling you. Try to save your marriage. But just remember to heed my advice, in case you are stuck… go right to your priest. In fact, talking to your priest now may not be a bad idea.
I don’t want to upset anyone - I just don’t want anyone’s heart to be broken, and I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through.
But you are telling the OP to not even step on the battlefield. To not even attempt at this. In essence you are telling her to behave differently than you did! At least you have no need to lay awake at night wondering if you actually “tried”. OP will not have the same luxury if she takes your advice. All she will have is a broken home and the resulting psychological horror to comfort her. Whether or not she likes it. She will always be chained to this man. Forget the spiritual aspect for a second! Physically and legally she will have to deal with this man quite possibly for the rest of her days especially since children are involved.
As my priest said “cowardice” is a sin. You were not a coward, why would you tell the OP to take a different path and to forsake her vows?
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Polluted
Guest
I don’t think the best thing for us to be doing is to look for a spiritual loophole. Regardless of what Christ’s Church says…she is still gonna be tied to this man one way or another. Anulment or not
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Polluted
Guest
Sounds terrible, but as a Man who grew up with a mother who has been married a total of 3 times, and divorced through all of them. Who had multiple other “men” or boyfriends in the house, some of whom were not every pleasant psychologically or physically. You may have had it better than you think. It ain’t that much greener on this side of the fence, TRUST me. If the worst thing someone is sentenced to is a loveless marriage but isn’t abusive…the OP should consider herself lucky.
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Polluted
Guest
This is also deeper than “protecting yourself” or lawyering up. It’s bigger than this. This can be carried through into ones spiritual life and physical life.
How does it feel to know you have “wised up”. Probably never going to let yourself be “vulnerable” again. What a horrible way to live ones life. It doesn’t sound that far from a prison sentence, being overly cautious, jaded, and un trusting. One doesn’t experiance the joy of heaven from living their lives in such a way. Forget what your husband didn’t take from you, it sounds like to me he robbed you of the only priceless thing that actually mattered.
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frangiuliano115
Guest
Good morning Greywings,
I also read your post no. 14. Let me just say that I’m not judging you. Who am I to judge? We each have our lives to live and we’re all fragile and nobody here is perfect or has the perfect answer. I know, of course, people who are divorced and with kids and it’s really a bad situation. In some cases, such as yours, it can’t be avoided. But it sounds like in the case of the OP it can. Which is why, in her case, I’d say to hold on to the marriage. Here’s why:
Her husband has not checked out. He’s willing to stay in. A lot of marriages end up with “no love”. They still go on. That’s why marriage is a commitment and not a “love” feeling - although that’s very nice to have! If he’s willing to make the commitment, I’m saying she should take advantage of it.
The opposite: Nat’s husband left her. (true story). 10 year old son. She got a boyfriend within one year. The husband got a girlfriend within one year. The boy is a mess! He’s going to a psychologist. He sees the mother with a different man - the father with a different woman. He’s with the mother one weekend, with the father oneweekend. Do we ever put ourselves in these kids shoes?
I think the OP’s husband is and I think he’s making an honorable decision to hang in there. This is an enormous effort in his case - I’d say that it’s an effort with love in it and maybe someday that love will sprout again even for his wife. Love as a feeling, I mean. I do think he loves her, maybe not in the way she would like.
It doesn’t have to necessarily get worse without this love, as you say. It could remain stable, it could get better. Let’s give it a chance!
A grandfather or a brother is nice to have as male role models. But nothing will be the same as a father. A father made you. How many adopted kids want to know their parents… It’s an inbred thing, it’s in our DNA. We need our mother, we need our father - as a unit. No matter how that unit may be. None is perfect. I like to say that all families are dysfunctional - some just more than others. And it may harm the child to some extent, but it’ll still be less than without one of the parents. (all cases are different, I’m speaking in general terms).
You say that lawyering up was a terrible experience. And yet, it sounds as if you’re telling the OP to do the same thing. Seems like it’s something she should avoid. Even when a couple leaves each other in a friendly and agreed manner, sooner or later it turns ugly. Think about it. Kids, material belongings. It’s so difficult for people to find the right justice.
Then you ask her if family is around. If she has a mother or relative that could watch her child while she returns to work. Her husband is her family! What, more life upset for the child. Especially, if she has to return to work and may have the good fortune of being home now.
I’m going to end here. I said I’d write today and have made my points.
I think you’re in a different situation than the OP and I’m truly sorry for what you’ve had to go through.
In a thread (this one??) I said how I’d like a 10 year prison sentence for anyone leaving a marriage where there are chidlren involved. I was using hyperbole of course to show how much I think that marriage is a commitment and should be highly respected.
(I’m afraid some posters took me very seriously and are explaining why it wouldn’t work!)
Yeah. Let’s give this one a chance! And consider the little ones, as the husband is willing to do. Nothing in life is easy Greywings - let’s just make the best of it.
God bless you
Fran
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frangiuliano115
Guest
Many marriages here and around the world would be considered by our society a “loveless marriage”. They actually work out better than some people who get married for love. Back to that commitment I, and others here, have spoken about.
They are very far from purgatory or hell. BTW, there’s a bit of purgatory in every marriage!!
And - no priest is going to tell this couple to pack it in.
Fran
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frangiuliano115
Guest
Beautiful!
Nothing like a personal testimony.
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frangiuliano115
Guest
Are you married? Every marriage is stressful. Do you know one that isn’t? Get the recipe and write a book! You’ll get rich!
I reread the OP and the husand is saying he wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of the son. I think you misunderstood.
And you agree that the husband should stay for the sake of the marriage, not the sake of the son? So the marriage is more important than the impact on the son???
Also, I keep hearing about how marriage is work. I wish somebody would explain that one to me before I die.
Fran
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frangiuliano115
Guest
Yeah. Wow. It really sounds like a terrible thing! Imagine staying together JUST FOR THE KIDS. Wheew!
DOES MARRIAGE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU???
Why would you ever get married with these ideas? Just live with someone when it comes to your turn - it sounds like it’s all the same to you.
Fran
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frangiuliano115
Guest
Hi DaddyGirl
It would only be fraud if the groom said he loved and would cherish the bride BEFORE they got married in order to get married to her for whatever reason.
If he “fell out of love” for the wife AFTER they got married, it would not be grounds for an annulment.
Fran
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pensmama87
Guest
I feel for the OP. I remember after my first was born my marriage went through a really rough patch that didn’t improve until after our second child. There was a lot both DH and I were doing wrong.
DH was also reluctant to go to counseling. So I went by myself for a while. Then we did couples and it was awful, so I went back to going alone. (I don’t agree that all therapists are frauds, but some are better than others, and some will mesh better with you.) Check your insurance because you might have mental health coverage, and if you don’t many are able to work with you on a sliding scale. Catholic Charities sometimes offers counseling or they can make referrals.
Without more information, I would cautiously suggest now that based on where you are in your marriage, there is a very good chance that things will not be “loveless” forever. But some work will be required.
(Some of the other recommendations for books have been good, but I don’t think I saw one for The Five Love Languages. If I missed it, sorry!)
DH was also reluctant to go to counseling. So I went by myself for a while. Then we did couples and it was awful, so I went back to going alone. (I don’t agree that all therapists are frauds, but some are better than others, and some will mesh better with you.) Check your insurance because you might have mental health coverage, and if you don’t many are able to work with you on a sliding scale. Catholic Charities sometimes offers counseling or they can make referrals.
Without more information, I would cautiously suggest now that based on where you are in your marriage, there is a very good chance that things will not be “loveless” forever. But some work will be required.
(Some of the other recommendations for books have been good, but I don’t think I saw one for The Five Love Languages. If I missed it, sorry!)
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PaulineMargaret
Guest
I think both of you need to go the extra mile in little deeds of thoughtfulness and kindness, even if there is no reward for that for a while.
My cold husband in the end is more affectionate and kind, a far cry from how he used to be, because I kept being kind and thoughtful.
(And I DO know how hard that is to live with someone who just tolerates you)
You might noT find he is reciprocal for a long time, so don’t expect it, just treat him as you wish to be treated. Treat him as you would treat him if you loved him, but it has to be genuine, not fake.
St John of the Cross said: “Where there is no love, put love – and you will find love.”
My cold husband in the end is more affectionate and kind, a far cry from how he used to be, because I kept being kind and thoughtful.
(And I DO know how hard that is to live with someone who just tolerates you)
You might noT find he is reciprocal for a long time, so don’t expect it, just treat him as you wish to be treated. Treat him as you would treat him if you loved him, but it has to be genuine, not fake.
St John of the Cross said: “Where there is no love, put love – and you will find love.”
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DeniseNY
Guest
Fran, just wanted to say that The Unforgettable Fire is one of my favorite U2 songs,
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white_sheep
Guest
My parent’s marriage was basically over when I was 4, if not sooner. I am glad they stuck it out, and their problems were much worse than just not being in love anymore. Even though that clearly meant a fair amount of stress and problems, it was definitely better than if they had divorced.
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white_sheep
Guest
The primary end of marriage is the begetting and rearing of children. You have children, so you’re definitely committed at this point to making their best interests the top priority. You and your husband have to find a way to make it work.
The vows you take when you get married are for better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness and in health. If everyone got better, richer, and health, we wouldn’t need vows. The purpose of vows is that sometimes you get worse, poor, or sick. Sometimes you even get worse, poor, and sick. None of which mean that you are now free to leave the marriage. It sounds like you got worse, to some extent. So, try to make it better.
These are vows you took before God and man, in a covenant that he established, you don’t get to abandon them just because you have to honor your vows or because it might seem difficult. This is exactly what you sign up for when you get married.
The vows you take when you get married are for better or worse, richer or poorer, and in sickness and in health. If everyone got better, richer, and health, we wouldn’t need vows. The purpose of vows is that sometimes you get worse, poor, or sick. Sometimes you even get worse, poor, and sick. None of which mean that you are now free to leave the marriage. It sounds like you got worse, to some extent. So, try to make it better.
These are vows you took before God and man, in a covenant that he established, you don’t get to abandon them just because you have to honor your vows or because it might seem difficult. This is exactly what you sign up for when you get married.
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frangiuliano115
Guest
I like you DeniseNY!Fran, just wanted to say that The Unforgettable Fire is one of my favorite U2 songs,
Hope you’ve checked out their new album, Songs of Innocence. Beautiful!
“There is a light, don’t let it go out.”
Very appropriate for the O.P.!
Fran
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