One thing I would suggest are books based on the research of John Gottman. Above all, identify the following four destructive things, if they exist in your marriage, and attempt to replace them with more constructive strategies:
The Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse
- Personal Criticism. This refers to negative personal judgments, especially made verbally but even made mentally, couched in extreme or absolute terms. Watch out for “never,” "always” and expressions implying that character traits are immutable—for example, “You never think about anyone but yourself!” or, “You are always so stubborn!”
Constructive alternative: Your husband isn’t going to like “psycho speak”, so I’d suggest to him that you each object to specific behaviors at the earliest appropriate time afterward–appropriate being when you are both cooled down and are not going to embarrass each other in front of others-- and suggest find alternatives jointly. He’s said he wants to be in this for the long term–OK! Look for win-win compromises. “I don’t like it when you do X, but you insist you need to do it. My reason is that is x. What is your reason for wanting to do it, and can we think of something that works better for both of us?”
If he makes an attack on your character, you can say, “Saying I’m stubborn doesn’t accomplish anything. We’re two smart people. Can we think of some way to handle this that takes into account the actual people we are, but that works better? I’m willing if you’re willing, because frankly, I would like to have the kind of marriage that Johnny would actually want to live in the same house with, wouldn’t you?”
- Contempt. Contempt is treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, condescension, or ridicule. It may involve mean-spirited sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or name-calling. Contempt can grow over time when a person focuses on the qualities they dislike in their partner and builds up these qualities in their mind.
Constructive alternative: Convince your husband that you cannot raise a child who treats other people kindly unless you treat each other kindly, even when you are mad at each other or don’t really think too much of each other at the moment. If you couch this in terms of how he wants his son to act, he may come around to changing his outside behavior. Funny thing, but changing outward behavior and reaping the rewards has this way of changing inner attitudes.
- Defensiveness. Defensiveness tends to arise when people feel criticized or attacked; it involves making excuses to avoid taking responsibility, or even deflecting blame onto your partner. If you hear yourself saying “I didn’t do anything wrong,” or blaming your partner for something else after he or she has leveled a complaint against you, ask yourself whether this is really the case. Even if your partner made some mistakes, that doesn’t free you from responsibility for things you could have done differently as well. The problem with defensiveness is that it communicates to your partner that you aren’t really listening to her or taking his concerns seriously. And by introducing new grievances, it can also exacerbate the conflict by making your partner feel attacked and defensive.
Constructive alternative: Take the time to hear your partner out and take responsibility when appropriate. A simple, genuine apology can go a long way.
- Stonewalling. Stonewalling involves withdrawing, shutting down, and physically and emotionally distancing yourself from your partner, such as giving your partner the “silent treatment” or to abruptly leave without telling your partner where you’re going. Stonewalling is especially destructive to relationships because it can make one’s partner feel abandoned and rejected.
Constructive alternative: It is OK to have a signal for one to let the other know “I need a time out,” so you can avoid saying something rash before you return to the conversation when you’re ready. The main thing is to find a way to get what you need without making it into an attack on your child’s other parent. Again: this is a matter of modelling constructive ways of dealing with conflict to your child.
These are the four things that are most indicative of future divorce. I would convince your spouse that getting rid of any of these four habits is necessary to give your son a peaceful home to grow up in. Address that, and you are far more likely to ride out this rough spot married and eventually happily married. Fail to address these, and you two are going to have a very hard time sticking with your intention to give your child a two-parent home for his entire childhood. Nothing is more practical than that.
Nothing I do/say/pray has made a difference, so maybe this will at least help me to deal with it. I noted the chapter on depression in marriage (which he has, since childhood), so I’m hoping the book will give me $4.00 worth of insight on that. 