Is It OK To Date Divorced Protestant?

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PiusXIII

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I’ve become very close to a divorced Protestant friend. It’s become obvious that she and I have feelings for each other and while not officially “Dating” it looks like things are headed in that direction.

My question is this: is it wrong for me to date her because she’s divorced?

The dilemna I have is that if we grow close and possibly talk about marriage–then she would have to get an annullment and I know she doesn’t even believe in such things.

I do care about her and don’t want to turn my back on her but friends have suggested that I forget about her and find some never-married Catholic girl. I don’t think that’s the perfect solution either–I have too many friends and relatives who waited for the “perfect Catholic” mate to come along only to end up divorcing.

Someone tell me–am I right to keep on seeing her?
 
I think that you should have a talk with her and express the concerns that you did here, in the forum. She may be more understanding than you think - maybe. If she is not supportive of your concerns, it is better to find out now. After you talk about these issues, then you can make a more informed decision about how to proceed.

Good luck!
KB
 
Would you date a married woman? Civil divorce = she’s still married. You don’t have to wait for the “perfect” Catholic mate, but you are not permitted to date married women, as this is contrary to Catholic teaching on the sanctity of marriage.
 
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PiusXIII:
The dilemna I have is that if we grow close and possibly talk about marriage–then she would have to get an annullment and I know she doesn’t even believe in such things.
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Not only does she not believe in annullments, but I would assume that she also doesn’t believe in the Real Pressence in the Eucharist, the perpetual Virginity of Mary, Holy Days of Obligation, the Authority of the Pope, purgatory, the importance of confession… just to name a few. Why would you want to consider the possibility of marrage with someone who’s religious views are so different from your own?

I agree with your friends… find a nice Catholic girl. Your argument that if you did find a Catholic girl you might still end up divorced doesn’t really ring true… 2nd marrages have an even HIGHER rate of divorce…sad but true.

If you are only friends and you’re not wildly in love with this woman… forget about anything more. That’s my advice.

Bless you,
CM
 
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itsjustdave1988:
Would you date a married woman? Civil divorce = she’s still married. You don’t have to wait for the “perfect” Catholic mate, but you are not permitted to date married women, as this is contrary to Catholic teaching on the sanctity of marriage.
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Good point. Question, though: would the Catholic Church give a non-member an annulment? I suppose the only permissible way to “date” this woman would be to not date her then have her join the church and get an annulment. Then she would be free, according to the church, to date.

KB
 
Heart Of Mary:
Good point. Question, though: would the Catholic Church give a non-member an annulment? I suppose the only permissible way to “date” this woman would be to not date her then have her join the church and get an annulment. Then she would be free, according to the church, to date.

KB
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She could seek a nullity even if she is not Catholic. However, how likely is this to happen when she does not even believe in them or the need for them. You are asked why you are seeking one in the petition and she could simply say that she wished to date a Catholic single person. It is my understanding that the Church would be willing to review the case.
 
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itsjustdave1988:
Would you date a married woman? Civil divorce = she’s still married. You don’t have to wait for the “perfect” Catholic mate, but you are not permitted to date married women, as this is contrary to Catholic teaching on the sanctity of marriage.
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TRUE … AMEN! THIS ONE IS RIGHT ON … SHE IS STILL MARRIED. ALTHOUGH, I KNOW IT IS NOT THAT EASY FOR YOU SINCE YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH THIS PERSON. FOLLOW THE WILL OF GOD SHE IS NOT FOR YOU TO HAVE … SHE IS STILL MARRIED.
 
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bluezone7:
TRUE … AMEN! THIS ONE IS RIGHT ON … SHE IS STILL MARRIED. ALTHOUGH, I KNOW IT IS NOT THAT EASY FOR YOU SINCE YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH THIS PERSON. FOLLOW THE WILL OF GOD SHE IS NOT FOR YOU TO HAVE … SHE IS STILL MARRIED.
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Perhaps we could be a little less over the top? We don’t know anything of how her marriage ceremony was conducted; it is entirely possible whe married in front of a Justice of the Peace or a judge.
 
A very close, and very devout Catholic friend of mine is married to a Baptist. On Sunday the family attends Mass; they then go to her church for her service. They have two daughters who have not been baptized (she has not agreed to it, and wants the daughters to make up their mind as teenagers). My bets, and I think his, too, is that they will be baptized Baptists.

The question may not be whether or not your girlfriend believes in annulments; it may be how much respect she has for your beliefs. If she truly respects them, she will agree to go through the process for your sake.

And then there is the issue of children; you don’t say if she has any now. How does she feel about having children, at all? How does she feel about birth conrtol? Is she at all open to even exploring NFP (given that it is non-chemical, and not screwing up her natural body rythms, and is extremely reliable when practiced regularly, in addition to removing the feeling some women on the Pill feel, that they are “on demand” sexually at any and all times because they cannot conceive; there are lots of “non-religious” reasons to consider it)? Have you two even discussed how you would raise any children - Catholic or non-Catholic?

What about going to church? Different services on the same day? Slipping Mass? Skipping her service?

And what about any prejudices there may be among her relatives about Catholics?

There are any number of “mixed” marriages that work, and I would suspect the majority of them would agree that a Catholic/non-Catholic mix is at best awkward, and much more difficult than one where the parties are aligned in something that runs as deep as religious beliefs. Some Catholics quit. Some Protestants quit (but don’t convert). Some convert. Others, such as my friend, just struggle.

everyone has to walk their own path. She may be a very good spouse; but you have a lot of issues you need to get out into the open, and the sooner the better. If you think it is too soon, then when do you think the right time will be - when you both are deeply entangled in emotions? When you are engaged? After you are married?

If you think it is too soon, let me give you a clue. It is not; and it probably should have occured before you got this close. Start talking. And you might want a referee or two - your pastor and hers. It might keep things from getting onto an emotional level where you move from rational discussion to emotional battles.
 
She is not free to marry, and that is the purpose of dating. So, I think you should talk to her up-front and ask her if she will pursue an annulment. If she won’t you have your answer-- you cannot pursue a dating relationship with her. If she will, you can date but do not get serious until you know she is free to marry. The tribunal can always find her marriage to be valid.

I also agree w/other posters who say that you should stick to dating Catholics. Marriage is hard enough w/o a difference in religion.
 
I assume because you are askin here you are Catholic, the Catholic Church recognizes all marriages as valid until proven otherwise, civil divorce has no standing, so this woman is still married. Not only may you not date her you may not entertain romantic feelings about her. You better get clear in your own mind Church teaching before this goes any further so you can explain it to her. If she ever wishes to marry a Catholic, she will need to have her first marriage judged by the tribunal and obtain a decree of nullity. Otherwise she will not be free to marry.
 
DO NOT DATE A NON-CATHOLIC!!! I married a non-catholic…he made it seem that he respected my religion etc., we even married in the catholic church, unfortunately they do not hold marriage in the same regard that we do, as a sacrament. They do believe in divorce…in multiple divorces, because they can marry as many times as they want in their church…see what I’m saying? Also, when our son was born we got into it because I wanted to baptize him and he didn’t believe in that etc. He knew from the very beginning that I would want this for our children he never opposed until after we married and had our child. It’s a headache, if I could do it all again I would NEVER even consider dating anyone who wasn’t catholic. Marriage is hard enough and religion is something fundamental to it…when you don’t see eye to eye on this subject it’s like a house built on sand and it’s worse when they don’t see the committment of marriage the same way you do, the way the church teaches. I would recommend that you get away fast, please don’t let your “feelings” take over your intellect and intelligence like I did, it’s hell in the long run 😦 .
 
I have several friends who learned some unpleasant things about their spouses after marrying someone who had been divorced. People have secrets. And some of them may be very unpleasant. Multiple past (hidden) marriages. Children who were lied about. Unsavory associates (criminal and otherwise). Bizarre sexual histories. Poor impulse control. Addictions to drugs (legal - medical - as well as illegal). Very strange religious beliefs.

One friend gave it ten years and finally filed for divorce. The spouse then sued, made false police statements, ETC. My friend ended up broke… actually severely in debt. Worse than broke. With ten wasted years.

The Catholic Church has some “procedures” that often seem to be extremely bureaucratic and cumbersome with respect to marriage. I gotta tell ya… there are good and practical reasons for making people jump through hoops… all sorts of things can come out.

The advice to not date non-Catholics is sound. Especially a divorced person. People in general carry enough emotional baggage around without adding all that other stuff to it.

There are PLENTY of other marriage and dating candidates out there.
 
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otm:
Perhaps we could be a little less over the top? We don’t know anything of how her marriage ceremony was conducted; it is entirely possible whe married in front of a Justice of the Peace or a judge.
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OTM, whether or not a judge married them is irrelevant. They are presumed validly married until adjudicted otherwise by proper ecclesial authorities. There may be circumstances when their case may not even need to go to a tribunal, depending upon the circumstances of the prior marriage. Nonetheless, Catholics ought to understand that a divorced spouse who has not received a decree of nullity is presumed married to another, and as such has a moral impediment to courtship. Dating them romantically places them in the near occasion of the sin of adultery.
 
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PiusXIII:
I’ve become very close to a divorced Protestant friend. It’s become obvious that she and I have feelings for each other and while not officially “Dating” it looks like things are headed in that direction.

My question is this: is it wrong for me to date her because she’s divorced?

The dilemna I have is that if we grow close and possibly talk about marriage–then she would have to get an annullment and I know she doesn’t even believe in such things.

I do care about her and don’t want to turn my back on her but friends have suggested that I forget about her and find some never-married Catholic girl. I don’t think that’s the perfect solution either–I have too many friends and relatives who waited for the “perfect Catholic” mate to come along only to end up divorcing.

Someone tell me–am I right to keep on seeing her?
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I am going to chime in with a differing view since I have been in your shoes and my situation worked out well. I asked this exact question on AAA forum and it wasn’t answered. I have trouble with the blanket responses I am seeing here.

My (now) husband didn’t tell me until our first date that he was divorced. He wasn’t hiding it. He was embarassed of his failure. He was Evangelical at the time and did not know of the importance of the issue until I told him. He had been civilly divorced for 5 years, so it wasn’t at the front of his mind.

That FIRST night we talked about marriage. When he found out that marriage was a Sacrament he was actually very happy. He asked ME if he could file for an annulment! He said he always thought that his former wife went through the motions and had no intention of being married. (they were 20 at the time and he was then 29.) Their marriage had very few ear-marks of being a valid marriage. We talked about those from DAY ONE. It was at best a ‘good and true’ not a sacrament since he was baptized during their final separation and they never connsumated after he was baptized. (Yes, this was a question he was asked!) Had she not been baptized Methodist as a child, though inactive all her life, his would have been either a Pauline or Petrine Priviledge. (can’t remember which.)

If he had been hesitant to file or had his marrige had anything that resembled a valid marriage, I would not have continued to date him. He asked me to make an appointment with an advocate ASAP. We went out on a Saturday and he met with the advocate on that Wednesday.

The tribunal paperwork says, “Are you considering marriage to a Catholic?” I find it difficult to accept that people say, “He or she is married so you can’t date him or her!” If the marriage is null, it is null from its very beginning. The Declaration of Nullity just publicly declares it so. So my husband was NOT married when I dated him. He wasn’t even really married when he thought he was!

The most important thing I would say to you is to ask the questions right away. If you say, “I believe marriage is for life,” and that frightens her off then so be it. I’d say, “Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out,” to anyone who wouldn’t talk about marrige and yet wants to date.

While I do agree with the presumption of valid marriage in theory, it does not always apply in practice.

PS he signed up for RCIA that fall and is now very Catholic. He told me on that first date that he had always liked the Catholic Church, but no one he knew could answer his questions.
 
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LittleDeb:
The tribunal paperwork says, “Are you considering marriage to a Catholic?” I find it difficult to accept that people say, “He or she is married so you can’t date him or her!” If the marriage is null, it is null from its very beginning. The Declaration of Nullity just publicly declares it so. So my husband was NOT married when I dated him. He wasn’t even really married when he thought he was!

The most important thing I would say to you is to ask the questions right away. If you say, “I believe marriage is for life,” and that frightens her off then so be it. I’d say, “Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out,” to anyone who wouldn’t talk about marrige and yet wants to date.

While I do agree with the presumption of valid marriage in theory, it does not always apply in practice.
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Thank you.

I have many uncles and aunts who have been divorced–some have divorced and remarried divorced Protestants. None of them have had annullments, though I think all of them continue to receive the sacraments, (their priests either don’t know or don’t care) because in their minds they “didn’t do anything wrong” so they feel they shouldn’t be “punished.”

I don’t judge what they do–however, I take the teachings of the church seriously and I want to do what is right. I don’t think I could do what they’ve done.

At the same time, I find myself in a dilemma I never expected.

I think she is going through a time where she has doubts and questions about her faith and part of me has this idea that maybe if she learned more about Catholicism she might convert and possibly be more open to the idea of an annullment.

Maybe I should just spend some time away from her for a while.
 
I just wouldn’t ASSUME that she would be unwilling to get an annulment for your sake. There very likely could be many Protestants who while not believing in the need for an annullment themselves would be willing to do so for the person they love…

Not that I’m suggesting that this would be an ideal situation otherwise - I’m not - I just (as an ex-Protestant) think that assuming that she would be unwilling to get the annulment just because she personally doesn’t believe in them is a little presumptuous of many of the posters here.
 
If the marriage is null, it is null from its very beginning. The Declaration of Nullity just publicly declares it so. So my husband was NOT married when I dated him. He wasn’t even really married when he thought he was!
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True, but if the annulment was not approved, then the outcome would have been different. So, in such an instance, one is uncertain as to whether they are married or not. You can’t be objectively sure. Knowing this, is it morally licit to date them romantically?

Let’s put it this way. What if the person you wanted to date said to you, “I think I might be married, but I’m not sure. But I’m very attracted to you. Would you like to date?” What would you do?

So long as you don’t have romantic feelings for the other, then spending time with them and treating them as a married person is perfectly fine. We can have friends who are presumed by canon law to be married to another. They just can’t be our girlfriends. 😉

However, if you have romantic feelings for another who may very well be married, and you place yourself into situations where that romantic feeling may be acted upon, then this would be at least a near occasion of sin, in my view.
 
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itsjustdave1988:
True, but if the annulment was not approved, then the outcome would have been different. So, in such an instance, one is uncertain as to whether they are married or not. You can’t be objectively sure. Knowing this, is it morally licit to date them romantically?

Let’s put it this way. What if the person you wanted to date said to you, “I think I might be married, but I’m not sure. But I’m very attracted to you. Would you like to date?” What would you do?

So long as you don’t have romantic feelings for the other, then spending time with them and treating them as a married person is perfectly fine. We can have friends who are presumed by canon law to be married to another. They just can’t be our girlfriends. 😉

However, if you have romantic feelings for another who may very well be married, and you place yourself into situations where that romantic feeling may be acted upon, then this would be at least a near occasion of sin, in my view.
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I really do see where you are coming from.The problem I still see with that idea is the level of assumption of validity in all cases.

Sadly if my now husband had been Catholic at the time and married outside The Church, I would have KNOWN for SURE he wasn’t married validly. I think that is where I have the most trouble with the blanket statements. I have always thought that marriages of non-Catholics should be held to a different level in reviewing formal cases. Since my husband was not baptized when he married the first time, how on earth was he to know that marriage really meant for life? He said that when he was going through his divorce it was so hard because through his (then recent) Evangelical baptism he had learned of the importance of marriage.

It was too late however, as his wife had already conceived a child with another man and was planning to marry him. The ONLY reason for the presumption of validity in their case was through HER childhood baptism. I think there is still something wrong with a Catholic breaking a rule and we know its invalid, to someone of no faith being held to a level he didn’t know existed with the presumption of validity.

There is no way on earth or in heaven that his former marriage was valid. Without having known a Catholic and fallen in love with one he would not have had the chance to experience the sacrament of marriage. What authority did The Church have over him if he wasn’t wanting to marry a Catholic or become one?

I have a lot of respect for you, as I have read your blog and many of your posts so I really am seeking a reply. The AAA forum did not answer when I asked so I am still curious.

I very much held that Declaration of Nullity was just that a declaration. If for one second I had thought his marriage was valid, I would not have dated him. This is where I have the biggest problem. If this were a truly civil issue and someone asked, “Well I might be married, will you still date me?” Obviously, I would investigate for marriage and find out. If the answer was no, then I would date the person. So the real question boils down to this: Why is the person who suffered the divorce punished because the Tribunal takes 2 years to investigate all cases? Yes, I agree that every marriage should be investigated for validity. I have a problem with HOW each marriage is investigated.

Looking forward to your response.
 
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1ke:
She is not free to marry, and that is the purpose of dating. So, I think you should talk to her up-front and ask her if she will pursue an annulment. If she won’t you have your answer-- you cannot pursue a dating relationship with her. If she will, you can date but do not get serious until you know she is free to marry. The tribunal can always find her marriage to be valid.

I also agree w/other posters who say that you should stick to dating Catholics. Marriage is hard enough w/o a difference in religion.
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Amen!:blessyou:
 
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