Is it possible to find a Christian man who doesn’t have a wandering eye?

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Rozellelily

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Hi everyone,

I am truly blessed that my elderly mother and father are still with us this Christmas after so many (ongoing) health struggles recently.
This is what matters most to me in my life.

I am not married and tbh, sometimes I have a bit of cynicalism or distrust that I can find a man who doesn’t have a wandering eye and whether they even exist.

For example, I did my Christmas shopping recently and I had a bodysuit on that I didn’t realise till at shops showed a bit of cleavage (unintentionally).
I’ve always known that men are visual but didn’t really realise the level until I saw how many guys eyes seemed to wander “there”.

I really don’t like when it is married men shopping with wife looking at me (or other women) and I feel if I get married is it inevitable it will happen to me too once he “gets bored” or sees prettier woman etc?

As women, do we just have to accept that this is man’s nature?
That mans eye will always wander?

I have grown up in an environment where pretty and or sexy women have drawn the attention of men and I sometime feel a struggle of “two worlds” -one of feeling I should be that character of what men want (sexy, feminine girl) and the other world of just wanting a man that is not superficial and loves me for me for “better or worse”.

I don’t expect a man to be Christian, just a good man, but do men such as my ideal (no wondering eye etc) even exist or is it pipe dream?
 
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Some guys were checking you out, but others weren’t, and some of those must be good men.
 
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I make a sincere effort to not “check out” women. But I’m also very scrupulous at times.

It’s a strange thing, really. Some women wish that men were aggressive in approaching them yet also desire a guy that doesn’t show any interest in females physically…guys are like this too, though. Some guys want women that give themselves up easily but get disappointed to find that same person isn’t faithful. People are strange.

I’m no expert. People are complex.
 
Neither my father nor my husband went around “checking out” other women besides the one they were with. They just weren’t that type of guy. There are many such guys out there who don’t go around looking at every woman they see, usually because they are more focused on other things in life, such as their jobs, or their families.

When you marry a guy, you generally get to know him well enough that you know what he’s like before you marry, and you will know whether he tends to look at other women or not, and also whether his looking is likely to stop at a glance or whether he is actually going farther than a quick look. And then you can decide whether you want to spend the next several decades putting up with the way he is.
 
I think a lot of people seem to go into love and marriage just based off romance and chemistry?
I can’t imagine why else wives would put up with husbands with looking at other women.
I don’t think they can be oblivious, maybe just so secure that just tolerate it?
 
A lot of it has to do with how they grew up.
If you grew up with a dad who looked at other women, you often get used to that. If you’re a young man who grew up with a dad like that, you might take after him. If you’re a young woman who grew up with that dad, you might almost unconsciously seek out a man just like dad.
Of course, it’s possible that the young man or the young woman might find Dad’s behavior so disgusting they will consciously strive for the opposite in their own life.
 
“Is it possible to find a Christian man who doesn’t have a wandering eye?”

You mean a man who won’t cheat on you?
Of course.

The wandering eye type are usually serial and easy to spot.

Their victim’s vanity is their tool of choice. (Loneliness is a close runner-up.)
 
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You’ve expressed self esteem issues in other posts and that you don’t think you are pretty or attractive. In past posts I and others have suggested some counseling for your issues with looks, self esteem, and your views on men.

You’ve talked about “not intentionally” wearing tops that show your cleavage in past posts also. But somehow you keep wearing them.
And then get annoyed and accuse men of looking at your cleavage and call it “checking you out”.

As a woman who has had serious cleavage since my teen years, I find it disingenuous that you aren’t aware your cleavage is showing in a given top— because I am VERY aware if top shows cleavage, in fact it doesn’t leave the store in my bag. I look in the mirror before I leave home and don’t wear anything that doesn’t fit properly.

You’ve made a HUGE leap from “looked at me” to “all me are dogs who have wandering eyes”. I would once again encourage you to get some counseling for your issues with your looks, and with men.

Most men are wonderful and aren’t in the store to check out women, don’t have a “wandering eye” and love their spouses. I wouldn’t even call looking at a woman in a top that is revealing “checking her out” in many cases. Sometimes it’s simply “looking at her because she is there and seeing what cannot be unseen.”
 
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I’ve found that when someone is self conscious (as it seems you were about showing some cleavage) they tend to think everyone is staring at them.

Not a fan of the idea that all men are super lustful, humans are humans, some people are going to look at cleavage or tight fitting clothes, others are going to stare at hands or feet, that is just personal differences.

I admire the beauty of other people, I will complement someone on a lovely lipstick or their hair or their beautiful jumpsuit. Nothing lustful, I just appreciate beauty, and I find it is so easy to make someone feel good when a stranger gives a compliment.
 
I am married and I know I have a bad habit of my eye wandering to check out other women. I seriously cannot seem to help it. I just try to control it to the best of my ability. I try to stop myself and when I find myself looking at a woman too long, I try thanking God for her beauty and praying for her.

I am not looking at women’s breasts or backside (although sometimes I do but I stop as soon as I realize it) I am looking at a womans beauty. I try my best to not do this, especially if my wife is there. I was a bachelor for 34 years (okay, pre teen years do not count lol) and I have only been a Christian for about 8 years. That is a lot of years of looking at women lustfully. And although I have pretty much gotten the lust part under control, the looking part is still a challenge.

I would say that it is possible to find a man without a wandering eye, but understand that men are men and men look at pretty girls. We cannot help it sometimes. The question is can a man be respectful as possible when his wife is there. Can he kind of control this urge to “look”. If you want a man who will never ever look at another woman, I say that you are asking for something that I do not know exists. But there are men out there who are trying so hard to control themselves.

I am married. My wife noticed stuff I do more then myself. Either I do a decent job of controlling my wandering eye when she is around or she accepts that sometimes men will look at a pretty women for a second or two before they look away and decided to marry me anyways. Or it is a combination of the two. And I tend to think it is a combination of the two.
 
1ke said:
Most men are wonderful and aren’t in the store to check out women, don’t have a “wandering eye” and love their spouses. I wouldn’t even call looking at a woman in a top that is revealing “checking her out” in many cases. Sometimes it’s simply “looking at her because she is there and seeing what cannot be unseen.”
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I am more likely to check out a modestly dressed woman who I think is beautiful. Even if a woman is drop dead gorgeous but is showing cleavage I more likely kind of say a “Oh my…” in my head and then I turn away quickly. Some men actually do not want to see cleavage but it is hard to not notice it.
 
Way back when I first started dating my now husband, I told him he should not ever let me see him if he is going to look at other women. It is disrespectful to me.
I have said the same to my sons, and they both said they would never do that.
 
Men are perpetually in conflict with themselves over this type of thing.

Recently in our evolutionary history we’ve evolved more toward monogamy as our young take so long to raise. But before that evolved, we were just like most other mammals - casting our “seeds” where so ever we could. It’s an older and more primal part of our behavioral evolution.

It’ll be fairly easy to find a man that won’t cheat on you. But to find a man that won’t notice sexual objects, particularly when some women really “have 'em out?” That’s a much harder requisite to fill.

And maybe not an entirely reasonable one, in truth.
 
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Hume said:
But to find a man that won’t notice sexual objects, particularly when some women really “have 'em out?” That’s a much harder requisite to fill.
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Really? Men should be insulted by this. Are men animal that cannot help themselves? Don’t blame the woman that is dressed provocatively. Men are in control of themselves.once again, custody of the eyes. It can be done, and is done successfully by many men, and women too.
 
I’m not arguing that they cant help themselves. I’m merely pointing out that attraction to erogenous zones is as natural as sunrise, rain and flowers in Springtime.

To require that someone routinely suppress an evolved instinct is a mighty tall order. Prepare for repeated failures since these drives ruled long, long, LONG before any sort of religion existed and our species was intelligent enough to observe it.
 
I’m a happily married man of 15 years, been together 20. I’ll admit I’ll look at someone I find attractive, but it’s a quick glance then I look away. I believe it’s just part of being a man, hardwired in our brain somewhere. I’ve never been a “rubber-necker” and I definitely wouldn’t stare down a woman around my wife. Funny thing is, my wife will sometimes point out other attractive woman I hadn’t noticed. We will comment on her beauty and move on. And in fairness, I have seen her “checking out” other men. Most times I can understand why she found the man attractive and, either way, I don’t begrudge her a quick look.
 
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I’ll second all this.

Had my wife pay for some material I purchased from a lumber yard and she came back telling me how cute Andy was.

I told her “last d*** time I send you out on my business”, all in good humor.

Natural as flowers in the spring. Would be dumb of me to begrudge her.

I seem to remember an older lady, devout catholic, on these forums that was very light and reasonable about it. Hope she’s still with us and cares to chime in.
 
I hope at this point we’ve all been taught that staring is considered rude and inappropriate.
Nevertheless, “Wandering Eye” is a rather vague term. I assume that it means the same as:

Ogling
  • To stare at in a lecherous manner.
Regardless, the Church has made it clear that neither men nor women should be lusting over each other and/or entertaining impure thoughts.
 
TheLittleLady said:
I’ve found that when someone is self conscious (as it seems you were about showing some cleavage) they tend to think everyone is staring at them.

Not a fan of the idea that all men are super lustful, humans are humans, some people are going to look at cleavage or tight fitting clothes, others are going to stare at hands or feet, that is just personal differences.

I admire the beauty of other people, I will complement someone on a lovely lipstick or their hair or their beautiful jumpsuit. Nothing lustful, I just appreciate beauty, and I find it is so easy to make someone feel good when a stranger gives a compliment.
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I might also add that sometimes you can unintentionally draw attention to that area if you’re self conscious. It’s a human instinct to look to see what’s up, so to speak. So glances may not necessarily have to do with lust.
 
I didn’t mention anything about men being dogs 🐕/:
Sometime it’s good to self reflect to see if there is any tendency to overreact, and or project.

When I see other women with some cleavage showing I don’t presume to know their motives or judge etc.
I’m sure some is intentional, some is ignorance, some is belief in feminist etc.
Some people and cultures simply have different modesty standards etc.
There are many different reasons.

Please also remember that not everyone views things same as Americans.
I am from a European background where wearing short dresses etc is commonplace and I have grown around this and it is not perceived the same as Americans do.

This is just me though.

I don’t want to “argue” with you about this at Christmas time though.
It is good to presume the best first regarding peoples intent.

Wish you a Merry Christmas
 
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