Is it wise to marry younger women?

[Sillara]

Now, I am no longer one of the young 18-24 year old virgins. I am a married 34 year old mother of five.

BUT, back when I was dating, I was a 19 year old virgin dating a 28 year old man from her church. He cheated on me, dumped me for the girl he’d cheated with, and I went to a different college.

I was a 20 year old virgin, and I met a 20 year old guy. We spent a lot of time talking. He read me poetry. We took long walks together, watching the sunsets. We got engaged the summer between our junior and senior years of college. We graduated on a Monday, and we got married that Friday.

Our twelfth anniversary is next month.

I dislike the suggestion that 18-24 year olds are too young to marry. (My sisters married at 19 and 20, and their twelfth and tenth anniversaries are this year.)

I am not saying anything against the “older women.” I am myself now an “older woman”! What I disagree with is the notion that the younger women have so much “growing up” to do that they will be unrecognizable in ten years. Good gracious, why are young people automatically assumed to be incapable of anything really? And Pro-Life Teen, I liked your post. I, too, get a bit tired of the anti-male bias I see so often.

Just for the record, my husband is the same age as I am, so I don’t know if “counts” as marrying a younger woman. We were both young!

 

[chevalier]

I dislike the suggestion that 18-24 year olds are too young to marry.

So do I, but the facts kinda defeat me. I can make much of the facts of the case, but there’s stuff even I can’t do.

What I disagree with is the notion that the younger women have so much “growing up” to do that they will be unrecognizable in ten years. Good gracious, why are young people automatically assumed to be incapable of anything really?

Surely they aren’t incapable of anything really. They’re adult. But in ten years from now, they will be as different from their current selves as they now are from their elder siblings. Or close. That’s also the age when many people stop practicing and start cohabitating.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Now, I am no longer one of the young 18-24 year old virgins. I am a married 34 year old mother of five.

BUT, back when I was dating, I was a 19 year old virgin dating a 28 year old man from her church. He cheated on me, dumped me for the girl he’d cheated with, and I went to a different college.

I was a 20 year old virgin, and I met a 20 year old guy. We spent a lot of time talking. He read me poetry. We took long walks together, watching the sunsets. We got engaged the summer between our junior and senior years of college. We graduated on a Monday, and we got married that Friday.

Our twelfth anniversary is next month.

I dislike the suggestion that 18-24 year olds are too young to marry. (My sisters married at 19 and 20, and their twelfth and tenth anniversaries are this year.)

I am not saying anything against the “older women.” I am myself now an “older woman”! What I disagree with is the notion that the younger women have so much “growing up” to do that they will be unrecognizable in ten years. Good gracious, why are young people automatically assumed to be incapable of anything really? And Pro-Life Teen, I liked your post. I, too, get a bit tired of the anti-male bias I see so often.

Just for the record, my husband is the same age as I am, so I don’t know if “counts” as marrying a younger woman. We were both young!

I have to agree with her. I’m still in my twenties, and was in that age range (18-24) when I got married, and was a virgin too. I too married someone older than me, though not old enough to be my father as I personally do not feel comfortable with that type of age difference (I am not sure of your age excaliber). I think its perfectly fine to have certain preferences, but be open to the possibility of a good woman that does not fit those preferences being the one for you. I think that more important then their age etc, is what they are like, their values, their views, how they act, etc. With that said, I ended up finding someone who had what I personally wanted, practicing Catholic (non-negotiable), virgin, older than me, attractive …

ETA: I did meet a man that was looking for a young wife to marry and it did creep me out. He was well off economically, was in Law and had a good position, and told me he had prayed and that I was the one for him, eek.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

PL-Teen, I don’t dislike men. Unfortunately most of the posts you read of mine seem to touch on subjects with men proposing outrageous ideas or behaving badly, so you have the wrong impression.

I don’t see him behaving badly, actually.

Women my age don’t have a warped view of marriage. They know what marriage is NOT, though. It is not a servant/master relationship.

Again, I don’t see this being suggested at all. Excaliber referred to submissive as the willingness to let the man do things. He posted about a friend whose wife did everything and wouldn’t let the husband help.

Of course he neglected to mention that Mary trusted Joseph with her life because rather than judging her harshly because of outward appearances, he refused to have her stoned and thereby earned her trust. ** By his actions.** But St. Joseph was a patient man. and kind, and generous. The OP wants to characterize older women in a blanket judgment in a way St. Joseph never would.

He wrote

I know a woman that was hurt by a mans poor decision making. Now she is not big on submission. Her new husband must now deal with
her not letting him fix things…make decisions… and she wasn’t that way with her ex, but her new husband will suffer even though he is not like her ex, because she dose not seem to respect men.
I don’t blame or judge her. But I want to avoid this.

I don’t see this in younger women
18-24. They seem free and happy.
It seems that you will be judged based on what YOU do.
That’s what I want, to be the ONLY
one in her heart…not me and her ex.

That is exactly what he’s saying. He wants to be respected as a man because of what he himself does, not what a woman’s ex did.

Not extraordinary at all. In the post right before that he mentioned that he doesn’t want a woman who isn’t “big on submission.” and then he went on and on about the happy free young girls. Ooh, red lights. Flashing. Everywhere.

Wanting someone who isn’t jaded doesn’t necessarily mean trouble or red lights.

This guy doesn’t want to get to know older women because he has the blanket opinion they all should forget every life experience they ever had and suspend all good judgment and treat every new man that comes along as if he is honorable. By the way, that’s a good way to get date-raped. I don’t advise you follow such a course of action. No. A smart woman has learned from watching people and she will measure anyone by the good people she knows and the bad people she knows. The OP is sure he will measure on par with the bad people. Which tells me more about his view of himself than about the people who meet him.

Presuming every man wants to rape you isn’t a good way to gather trust either. In my opinion most people are nice and good and honourable. If there’s something amiss I don’t toss the doubt aside, but I don’t assume from the start that most men are bad.

Again, I’ll say one last time… he started out lamenting that he doesn’t want to do the hard work to earn the trust of a woman who has reason not to trust every stranger. Which he must be to all those women becuase if he had gotten to know them he wouldn’t be writing this here. He hasn’t let relationships develop to the point the women let their guard down. He immediately decided to find young women who haven’t yet learned to put their guard up. I warn my daughters about guys like that. It’s somewhat predatory. Yes, everyone needs to be treated with respect. But I haven’t heard one word from him about the respect he intends to give a wife. Just about the respect and submission he demands. Red lights. Flashing.

He said he didn’t want to be judged and was asking an opinion about younger women. It’s reasonable wanting to start a relationship without trying to get out of a hole that’s been dug by someone else. Again, his statement of submission was more like compromise, or basic trust. The type of submission in the Bible where a woman will listen to her husband because he loves her enough to die for her, and therefore shan’t ask anything she wouldn’t do.

No, I don’t hate men. But many behave badly. And the prisons hold way more men than women. It would be a foolish woman who didn’t look for warning signs in someone based on her past experiences. I’ve known men who had been cheated on. When I encounter them, I don’t lament that I need to play cougar and find a young guy who has never been hurt because the men will judge me based on their cheating ex. I know I don’t cheat. If he cares to get to know me, he’ll find out I’m not like that. He’ll appreciate that about me. I don’t fear I’d go through life with him thinking I’d be a cheater. If he got to know me enough that I’d marry him, we’d be way beyond that and our marriage would be based on real trust.

Many women behave badly as well.

He has no issue with woman being cautious. He said he doesn’t hold that against them. But to be continuously judged is annoying. Again, the woman he knows doesn’t trust her new husband enough to let him do anything.

The OP doesn’t think what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. He expects immediate trust from women. A smart woman wouldn’t do that.

He said trust and respect based on his own actions, not the past actions of an ex.

Maturity is about accepting and loving people as they are, with the sum total of life experiences that form them. The OP doesn’t want to do that. He wants a brand new obedient girl fresh out of the box, no assembly required. Not practical, and not charitable, and not realistic.

Everyone else has a list of what they want in a partner. A woman who isn’t jaded seems a good idea. Maybe I haven’t read the thread closely enough, but I think you’re the only one using the word obey. He doesn’t want an airhead who follows him around like a puppy, he wants someone who seems him for himself and not an ex. Which makes senses.

 

[Sillara]

Pro-Life Teen,
Again I find myself agreeing with what you have written! Excellent post!

I know that I would not want to be judged by standards which had been messed up because of someone else’s actions. I agree that trust must be earned. I also think that you should not be considered “guilty until proven innocent”, either.

 

[chevalier]

ETA: I did meet a man that was looking for a young wife to marry and it did creep me out. He was well off economically, was in Law and had a good position, and told me he had prayed and that I was the one for him, eek.

Yes, all we’re good for is litigation.

Speaking of. Liberanos, ProLifeTeen, you sure you don’t need proper representation? Let’s make a bid.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

Yes, all we’re good for is litigation.

Speaking of. Liberanos, ProLifeTeen, you sure you don’t need proper representation? Let’s make a bid.

I like representing myself, debates are fun. Ale dziekuje!

 

[dulcissima]

I am getting baptised very soon, and I want to make decisions that will help me get to heaven.
I think marriage is better then lonely, however WHO dose one marry??

I know very nice spiritual people,
however it seems that because of past relationships they have past judgment on ALL MEN.
Even if they say they haven’t judged me based on what someone else did…they have put up barriers to protect themselves from what there ex did, and those barriers would be placed on me.

For example I like poetry romance etc…but some women in bad relationships have hardened there hart so that they don’t care about these things.

Which leads me to conclude that
a young virgin would make the best wife and mother.

Especially if you want the qualities that our Holy Mother has in a wife.
Because I only want to marry once.

Also it seems that women like older men. I could be wrong…any suggestions?

If you only want to marry once, then I would recommend not rushing a relationship with anyone. Take the time to get to know the woman that you might be interested in as an individual.

In reading what you wrote above, you mention that you like poetry and romance, but that women who have dated more have hardened their hearts against such things.

I can tell you, if you just kept it simple in the beginning and spent the time to listen and observe and really get to know someone for the unique individual that they are, then you will be building on more stable ground compared to when you rush in with flowers and poetry.

Someone who is overly eager and immediately poetic can be viewed as having shallow emotions. Deep feelings and meaningful poetry take longer to develop.

I wouldn’t necessarily lower your bar and settle for someone younger, just because they can be swayed by shallow niceties. If you are looking for something life-long then you should be willing to put the time into it up front by going at a thoughtful pace.

 

[chevalier]

Whatever dulcissima said above is right. Remember such things as poetry can be used precisely in the same way that paying for a date can, which is imposing an obligation on the woman to be grateful and receptive to your advances. Avoid that trap. It takes a while to unlearn.

They say it takes two to tango. Some of the old tricks don’t work, but that’s not bad. With no easy shortcuts in the picture, one has to focus on what it really is and that is an exchange between two equal people. In other words, a form of dialogue. It won’t work without listening, even more than speaking. In business, you can’t just want something from someone, you offer to that someone something he wants. While this is not as shallow as commerce, the same principle applies that you just can’t come in wanting something and tabling something you have. You need to make your offer amenable to the other person. It doesn’t mean an endless string of 50/50 compromises, it may as well mean merely presenting your offer in a different light, finding some points where the bait may catch and expounding on those. In short, you’ve got to mind the demand.

 

[baylee]

some women in bad relationships have hardened there hart

How do you know that God does not want you to help soften the heart of one of those women?

 

[baylee]

With respect to the OP and his comments regarding submission…

I am also a bit concerned with the focus on this. He started off fine, but with each additional post, I’m sensing too much of a focus on his authority. I also do not get the feeling that he is really reading some of the good advice in some of these posts…especially from those of the older women.

 

[excaliber]

Women my age don’t have a warped view of marriage. They know what marriage is NOT, though. It is not a servant/master relationship.

I did not start out judging the OP. I let him know he needed to get to know the older women and earn his trust before he wrote them off. Every post after that he wanted to argue about how he didn’t want to do that (reading between the lines) because instead he wanted a woman who would trust him immediately and be willing to submit to him. He even offered St. Joseph as an example of a good marriage where a woman listened to her husband. Of course he neglected to mention that Mary trusted Joseph with her life because rather than judging her harshly because of outward appearances, he refused to have her stoned and thereby earned her trust. By his actions. But St. Joseph was a patient man. and kind, and generous. The OP wants to characterize older women in a blanket judgment in a way St. Joseph never would.

In the post right before that he mentioned that he doesn’t want a woman who isn’t “big on submission.” and then he went on and on about the happy free young girls. Ooh, red lights. Flashing. Everywhere.

No, I don’t hate men. But many behave badly. And the prisons hold way more men than women. It would be a foolish woman who didn’t look for warning signs in someone based on her past experiences. I’ve known men who had been cheated on. When I encounter them, I don’t lament that I need to play cougar and find a young guy who has never been hurt because the men will judge me based on their cheating ex. I know I don’t cheat. If he cares to get to know me, he’ll find out I’m not like that. He’ll appreciate that about me. I don’t fear I’d go through life with him thinking I’d be a cheater. If he got to know me enough that I’d marry him, we’d be way beyond that and our marriage would be based on real trust.

It has nothing to do with male bashing. It’s common sense and how to keep yourself from being a victim

You are doing EXACTLY what I am talking about.

GUILTY until proven innocent!

You have made many false statement’s about me. “BIG ON SUBMISSION”… tyranny … you must earn respect (as if I did not know that).

You instead of asking me my opinions, as you would someone you respect.
You automatically put me in a category based of a few posts.

You hear the word submission, and you automatically think Controlling.

You hear the word respect for husband and you ASSUME that the husband dose not respect the wife.

You hear the words older man younger woman and you think
man corrupting young woman.

I am not judging you so please don’t ignore what I am saying.

I truly believe that Marry and her family knew Joseph was a good man, and Joseph loved his family and would have given his life for them.

I donot believe that Holy Marry distrusted St.Joseph and all men, and only after he stoped her from being stoned…then she trusted him.

Sarah called her husband lord, dose that sound like someone who did not trust men or her husband?

Let me tell you what men and women are victims of…SOCIETY.
Society tells us what’s attractive and we go after it.

Society says women with tight jeans and revealing cloths are attractive. Unfortunately some nice guy is going to fall for it and marry
a woman that looks good in tight clothes but isn’t good for anything else.

Society tells women that guys with tattos all over them and pants drooping realy low at the bar is a real man. So unfortunately a nice young lady will fall victim and marry him.

Now all women aren’t bad…but if
I select one based of how tight there cloths are, chances are high that I will find a bad one.

Same with women. Both men and women fall victim to it. It dosent mean all men or women are bad.

I have friends that I feel soooo bad
for, but they KEEP DATING guys because they are tough guys or because of how much money they have.

I am on your side.
I wish all women would come together and stop dating these jurks, I would love to see the alcoholic with a hundred tattos not get any attention. I wish all women stoped dressing like sex objects and demanded men to treat and speak to them with respect.

But I can’t MAKE women do that.
All I was asking is how do I find a supporting spouse like Sarah or Holy Marry. that’s the only reason why I asked if it was wise to find someone that has not been in a relationship, just to avoid treated like there ex.

 

[excaliber]

With respect to the OP and his comments regarding submission…

I am also a bit concerned with the focus on this. He started off fine, but with each additional post, I’m sensing too much of a focus on his authority. I also do not get the feeling that he is really reading some of the good advice in some of these posts…especially from those of the older women.

mabey I should listen more.
however I hear crazy things like
“date rape” and I wonder if the men being spoken of are even christian.

big on athority…no its just we haven’t gotten past it yet in our discussion.

and hey the Catholic and Orthodox
churches have not gotten past this
subject in a thousand years.

Now is the Catholic Church BIG on
athority?..no however the church can’t function without it.

Am I big on athority…I don’t think
so, but we do need to get past it in discussion.

 

[baylee]

mabey I should listen more.
however I hear crazy things like
“date rape” and I wonder if the men being spoken of are even christian.

big on athority…no its just we haven’t gotten past it yet in our discussion.

and hey the Catholic and Orthodox
churches have not gotten past this
subject in a thousand years.

Now is the Catholic Church BIG on
athority?..no however the church can’t function without it.

Am I big on athority…I don’t think
so, but we do need to get past it in discussion.

Perhaps not excaliber…I am certainly willing to give you the benefit of the doubt (and I’m an older woman…lol). I would ask that you try to stop focusing on finding someone just like Mary…that’s asking for as close to perfection as you can get. That would be like trying to find a man just like Christ. We need to remember that we’re human…

 

[excaliber]

Perhaps not excaliber…I am certainly willing to give you the benefit of the doubt (and I’m an older woman…lol). I would ask that you try to stop focusing on finding someone just like Mary…that’s asking for as close to perfection as you can get. That would be like trying to find a man just like Christ. We need to remember that we’re human…

Thanks for such a kind post.
I am definitely going to work on myself and my qualities.

But mabey I am too worried that it won’t be enuff if I don’t find someone who is also willing to put forth the same effort.

I am also coming out of the Jehovahs witnesses who require that you marry in the faith. Now that I don’t have anyone telling me who to marry, it is a bit intimidating because it is so very important.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

It is wise to protect yourself.
I have nothing against self protection.

But let me give you an example, I know a woman that was hurt by a mans poor decision making. Now she is not big on submission. Her new husband must now deal with
her not letting him fix things…make decisions… and she wasn’t that way with her ex, but her new husband will suffer even though he is not like her ex, because she dose not seem to respect men.
I don’t blame or judge her. But I want to avoid this.

I don’t see this in younger women
18-24. They seem free and happy.
It seems that you will be judged based on what YOU do.
That’s what I want, to be the ONLY
one in her heart…not me and her ex.

Now if a woman has been hurt, I feel for her. And I have 0…nada…zilch…no simpathy for men who take advantage. But how do they get that spark back? How do they believe in love again?
I don’t know.

But it would be terrible to have a life sentence cast on me for what someone else did.

Excalibur, I’m not making things up. That was a direct quote from you. You criticized this woman. Maybe she married the man too soon and hadn’t learned to trust his competency and so feels she must do everything herself to get it done right. I don’t know. But whatever her motives, you don’t know either. Yet you do blame and judge her enough that you don’t want a woman like her. That IS a judgment.

I’ve had my own words taken out of context by PL-Teen. I’ve had my words picked apart while you both have ignored the complete gist of what I’m saying. She also made a comment on my use of date rape as an example. I never said every man was like that. Maybe other people understood the point I was trying to make. You can’t trust a man just because he says he’s trustworthy. But many young women will. And you seem to like that they do so. They only judge you by your actions. Well, that works until a man’s actions turn bad and then she is added to the list of hurt women out there. She hasn’t learned how to avoid certain people because she isn’t judging people against what she knows are indications of bad character. Bad men don’t all start out bad. Often they start out very charming and spouting romance and poetry. A woman often finds out he’s bad too late. I know better now. I don’t fall for that. And you call it being hard-hearted. To overcome my caution that you might be another one of those men is to have to “dig yourself out of a hole that another man dug.” Somehow that would be an injustice? No, demanding that a woman not protect her heart or well being until you have proven your integrity to her is an injustice.

Our lives make us who we are. You were so busy giving your opinions about older women that I didn’t really need to ask for them. Translated: Older + bad experience with marriage = too much work for Excalibur to go through to find if there is any value. Excalibur wants to know if new and young is better.

As if you have lived on a shelf for how many years and had no experience that will affect how YOU treat someone? But she will be expected to overlook that?

Again, I never said Mary didn’t trust any men. Where did you get that? YOU were the one who said Mary listened to Joseph and followed him. I said only that he had already proven his trustworthiness. I never said a word about how she didn’t trust any man.

Excalibur, you did not use the word “supporting” once. You said submissive, and went on and on in every post about respect that was owed the man. You never said one word about mutual respect. Supporting is a better word.

You need to understand why older women are cautious. In our generation the alcoholics and wife beaters don’t wear chains and have multiple tatoos. They wear business suits and ties or polo shirts and blend into the crowd. You can’t tell just by looking. Their pants don’t hang around their knees. They don’t talk smack. I told you in my very first post how you can get around the protective wall that women put around themselves. You seem to have ignored that.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And PL Teen, we’ve disagreed on many topics it seems. You’re pretty sure the way the world works. To you most people are good. Perhaps they are. But all it takes is one or two really bad ones who blend in with the crowd until it’s too late to ruin your world. You are good at telling people they are wrong. For instance:

It’s reasonable wanting to start a relationship without trying to get out of a hole that’s been dug by someone else. Again, his statement of submission was more like compromise, or basic trust. The type of submission in the Bible where a woman will listen to her husband because he loves her enough to die for her, and therefore shan’t ask anything she wouldn’t do.

No, he never said compromise and he kept evading what I have said over and over… that if you get to know someone, and they begin to trust you and know you, they will judge you based on what you do or don’t do. No it is NOT reasonable to want to start a relationship without trying to get out of holes other people have dug. I said it before. You don’t get far past the age of 20 without encountering wounded hearts who have been hurt by someone… old BFs and GFs, parents, etc. That’s the real world. And we all know at CAF what Biblical submission is. However, you can marry a man and agree to be submissive and find out he’s a wife-beater who has used Biblical submission as a cover for his own cruelty and lack of respect for women. You expect a woman who endured that to just forget that experience and the next guy who comes along waving a Bible gets a free pass because he might be nice? Would you also stand and judge such a woman who goes from one wife beating husband to the next and act like something is wrong with her? Damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

I had a view of the universe that was one way when I was 20. Life happens. I’ve managed to survive. My theories didn’t all survive. I learned a little bit of humility along the way. Just because I wanted life to be a certain way it doesn’t follow that it will be. And I have learned that the world has complex reasons for doing what they do. And there is very little I can control out there. And people aren’t all nice.

Excalibur doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know that I once fell for the guy looking for an innocent young girl and waving poems and love songs and romantic restaurants in her face, promising all kinds of things. Turns out after the wedding he wasn’t what he seemed. He made the marriage a mockery, all the while insisting on his authority, by violence if necessary. Excalibur doesn’t know that women like me have had such men destroy their lives and their children’s lives. My respect for marriage is such I will never fall for that kind of man again. They don’t wear signs. You have to listen to the subtleties of what they say and how they say it. Yes, every man who comes along has to prove to me he isn’t another fake.

PL Teen, come back and pick at my words in another 20 years after you have run a home and raised children alone for a decade and a half. See if you can do it while hanging onto your faith and earning a living. Tell me how most people aren’t date rapists when you hear your teenage daughter tell you about the things her friends talk about after high school parties… waking up with their underwear missing and knowing they had been raped while they were passed out around “friends” they thought they could trust. Tell me in 20 years how most people are good.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

By the way, Excalibur, one of the things about older women…

they’ve dropped the illusion that there is a perfect man out there. They aren’t looking for perfect anymore. They’ll settle for adequate.

 

[autumn_nights]

Excalibur, lets say you go after a younger woman and get burned? Couldn’t the very same apply to ***you ***by a woman who is looking to marry? Maybe she should go after a younger man who has not yet become jaded, or has baggage with women who’ve let him down, betrayed him, lied to him, etc.

Why don’t you just pray that God’s will be done in your life? See how God challenges you? Take your blinders off and see the soul within. Every soul is troubled. The longer we each live, regardless of our gender and marital status, the more we have life experiences that often times are referred to as “baggage”. Who’s to say that a person (regardless of their gender), can’t learn and grow from them?

Just pray for clarity and discernment so that God will lead the love of your life to you and that you will have the necessary wisdom to recognize her when she’s standing in front of you; older, younger, naive, or wise. Don’t already start closing doors based on ‘earthly’ thoughts.

 

[excaliber]

Excalibur, I’m not making things up. That was a direct quote from you. You criticized this woman. Maybe she married the man too soon and hadn’t learned to trust his competency and so feels she must do everything herself to get it done right. I don’t know. But whatever her motives, you don’t know either. Yet you do blame and judge her enough that you don’t want a woman like her. That IS a judgment.

I’ve had my own words taken out of context by PL-Teen. I’ve had my words picked apart while you both have ignored the complete gist of what I’m saying. She also made a comment on my use of date rape as an example. I never said every man was like that. Maybe other people understood the point I was trying to make. You can’t trust a man just because he says he’s trustworthy. But many young women will. And you seem to like that they do so. They only judge you by your actions. Well, that works until a man’s actions turn bad and then she is added to the list of hurt women out there. She hasn’t learned how to avoid certain people because she isn’t judging people against what she knows are indications of bad character. Bad men don’t all start out bad. Often they start out very charming and spouting romance and poetry. A woman often finds out he’s bad too late. I know better now. I don’t fall for that. And you call it being hard-hearted. To overcome my caution that you might be another one of those men is to have to “dig yourself out of a hole that another man dug.” Somehow that would be an injustice? No, demanding that a woman not protect her heart or well being until you have proven your integrity to her is an injustice.

Our lives make us who we are. You were so busy giving your opinions about older women that I didn’t really need to ask for them. Translated: Older + bad experience with marriage = too much work for Excalibur to go through to find if there is any value. Excalibur wants to know if new and young is better.

As if you have lived on a shelf for how many years and had no experience that will affect how YOU treat someone? But she will be expected to overlook that?

Again, I never said Mary didn’t trust any men. Where did you get that? YOU were the one who said Mary listened to Joseph and followed him. I said only that he had already proven his trustworthiness. I never said a word about how she didn’t trust any man.

Excalibur, you did not use the word “supporting” once. You said submissive, and went on and on in every post about respect that was owed the man. You never said one word about mutual respect. Supporting is a better word.

You need to understand why older women are cautious. In our generation the alcoholics and wife beaters don’t wear chains and have multiple tatoos. They wear business suits and ties or polo shirts and blend into the crowd. You can’t tell just by looking. Their pants don’t hang around their knees. They don’t talk smack. I told you in my very first post how you can get around the protective wall that women put around themselves. You seem to have ignored that.

Why don’t you get this…?
If you don’t trust someone don’t marry them…problem solved.

If you say " I do"…mean it 100 percent.

If you can’t, then don’t marry him or her.

That solves your problem.

My problem is that I should NOT have to deal with what her ex did because if she can’t trust me…don’t marry me.

I am worried that someone could hold all that resentment inside and marry me anyway. I feel that’s not fair.

Yes we do experience things in life,you are correct. You are correct that we canot just forget about what happened.But we have a choice…to forgive or let it hold power over us.

You seem highly intelligent, and you make good points. But I hope you can understand that men are individuals and we deserve a fair chance. Yes please protect yourself, but can you forgive and let go of the past so that you can see the next guy for himself?