Is it wise to marry younger women?

[excaliber]

I think you’re slightly fixated on it. Prejudice is one thing, actual judgement is another. In adopting this anti-judgemental attitude you generally fall in it yourself because now you are ending up prejudiced against women - for their being prejudiced against men. And so the circle closes.

Does a woman need to prove she’s judging you on your own merit?

It’s not, but people aren’t perfect and they mess up the difference between the two. Besides, you won’t be dating a man-hating woman anyway, so it matters little in your life for practical purposes. It would just be nicer to see more women with more correct attitudes, to which I agree, but it’s not like you or I are sir Galahad, either.

Of course, but sick people aren’t criminals. Yourself you say the attitude results from being wounded by someone’s wrong actions. Being wounded and failing to take a grip of oneself is not a crime. It’s wrong that people take revenge and that they give in to bad feelings and emotions, but being emotionally wounded and scarred is an affliction, a malady, from which they suffer more than anyone else does.

your statement about being prejudice against prejudice people
makes no sence.

we can say something is wrong, it dosent make us prejudice. Homosexuality is wrong…dose that mean your prejudice against gay people? no.

being hurt is not a choice, but how we respond is a choice.

bottom line its wrong to judge a whole race,tribe, and yes gender.

 

[excaliber]

Has Excalibur ever gotten close enough and loved anyone enough to be deeply wounded in his life? If so, he might have more compassion for those who have been hurt. Instead of expecting them to shake it off like a leg cramp and jump back into life as if nothing had happened.

And if he had been hurt he’d understand the horrible doubt that plagues someone who chose wrongly, who has come to doubt their own ability to differentiate between the good and the bad and knows only one thing… they can never go through that again.

Maybe coming from a faith background where other people pick your partner, he’s never had to endure this. Yet he judges those who have survived, although not as perfectly as he thinks they should have.

No…mabey you just need some therapy. You need to heal over time.

because judging people negativly (which your even doing to me) based of someone else’s actions is wrong.

 

[chevalier]

your statement about being prejudice against prejudice people
makes no sence.

No, it does make sense, only you oppose it so much that you aren’t willing to see it.

we can say something is wrong, it dosent make us prejudice. Homosexuality is wrong…dose that mean your prejudice against gay people? no.

It’s not what you say, it’s how you do it. You are very insistent, you are emotional on the subject and your manner of discussion betrays that you are hurt and you feel cheated. All this sums up as prejudice against the people whom you see as prejudiced - and who might well be so. You can be prejudiced against a prejudiced person equally as much as you can kill a killer or steal from a thief. The fact that someone is prejudiced against you does not make you unable to be prejudiced against him or even against his prejudice. Prejudice may well be and often is mutual.

being hurt is not a choice, but how we respond is a choice.

It is a choice if you swear to impress your buddies and it’s probably a choice if you swear when you hit your finger with the hammer. But the degree of choice is different and there is a whole lot of other difference between the two choices. It seems as if in your view people should get a grip of themselves and not allow their hurting wounds to affect their interaction with you. The world does not work like that and I am fairly sure that you are not yourself immune to the same reactions that you point out in those people.

bottom line its wrong to judge a whole race,tribe, and yes gender.

Bottom line is that bottom lines do not remove your obligation to think and to consider and constantly challenge your own attitudes.

You came looking here probably not so much for a blanket statement that yes, those women, whoever and wherever they are, are wrong and you are right, but you came here for understanding and compassion. Offer the same compassion and understanding to those hurt and prejudiced women as you want for yourself.

No…mabey you just need some therapy. You need to heal over time.

because judging people negativly (which your even doing to me) based of someone else’s actions is wrong.

We all need therapy. Where exactly did she judge you on someone else’s actions?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

No, I started out judging you positively. I thought you were someone who honestly was misguided in his prejudice against any woman who had not fallen off the turnip truck this morning. I thought you honestly wanted some advice about how to get around their hurt and how to help them trust again and love again.

I gave you advice how to break down the self-protective wall many people (men do it too!) build around themselves after being gutted in a relationship.

You proceeded to argue, pursue a very rigid emotional mindset and argued some more against my main premise to get to know these women before you rejected them. You ignored my advice to earn their trust, in which case the situation would resolve itself.

Eventually because of your own persistent choice of words and emphasis, I came to a conclusion about you and your mindset.

Let’s use a different example. Say I was married to an alcoholic. And you came along and every time I talked to you at the office you were talking about drinking, or booze, or whistling Budweiser commercial tunes. I’d come to the conclusion you were basically fixated on alcohol. Then you’d ask me out, not realizing I had been watching you. And when I said no, because I don’t want to be with someone whose life seems to center around alcohol because I had endured that before, you would accuse me of being one of those people who judges people negatively based on other people’s behavior, not yours.

In which case you’d be wrong. You send off signals you don’t even realize. Women are very intuitive. And telling someone else to get therapy is a great way to end a conversation. You’ve basically insinuated I need mental help, and that lets you completely off the hook. Nothing I have tried to say has any validity.

Well, you don’t seem to have learned much by this thread except to argue. Most women don’t want an argumentative man. You won’t have to worry about where to find women with that attitude.

I tried. I’m done with you. YOU judge other people negatively based on other people’s actions. For instance, because one OTHER older woman won’t let her husband do anything around the house, you judge older women to be defective and not worthy of you and the life of submission you are sure you deserve. So every older woman who comes along will be ignored by you. That is wrong. It is hypocritical. One set of rules for you, one for the women.

They say the thing people criticize most in others is the fault they hate most in themself.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

By the way, there is a certain kind of man who tells a woman she needs therapy. You get to a certain age, you’ve probably already had at least one man tell you you are crazy and need to be on medication or “need help.” That kind of nastiness allows a certain kind of man to completely absolve himself of any responsibility in any encounter. The fault is all the woman’s. She’s crazy. He’s fine.

Red lights flashing everywhere here. I don’t judge all men based on what I know. But this particular man seems to fit a disturbing pattern of a minority of men out there. Which probably explains why women his age seem to avoid him.

But they’re probably all in need of therapy, right?

 

[excaliber]

No, it does make sense, only you oppose it so much that you aren’t willing to see it.

It’s not what you say, it’s how you do it. You are very insistent, you are emotional on the subject and your manner of discussion betrays that you are hurt and you feel cheated. All this sums up as prejudice against the people whom you see as prejudiced - and who might well be so. You can be prejudiced against a prejudiced person equally as much as you can kill a killer or steal from a thief. The fact that someone is prejudiced against you does not make you unable to be prejudiced against him or even against his prejudice. Prejudice may well be and often is mutual.

It is a choice if you swear to impress your buddies and it’s probably a choice if you swear when you hit your finger with the hammer. But the degree of choice is different and there is a whole lot of other difference between the two choices. It seems as if in your view people should get a grip of themselves and not allow their hurting wounds to affect their interaction with you. The world does not work like that and I am fairly sure that you are not yourself immune to the same reactions that you point out in those people.

Bottom line is that bottom lines do not remove your obligation to think and to consider and constantly challenge your own attitudes.

You came looking here probably not so much for a blanket statement that yes, those women, whoever and wherever they are, are wrong and you are right, but you came here for understanding and compassion. Offer the same compassion and understanding to those hurt and prejudiced women as you want for yourself.

We all need therapy. Where exactly did she judge you on someone else’s actions?

no it dose not make sense. prejudice against prejudice???
you have invented a way of defending wrong.
I say hate is wrong. and you say
well you hate, hate. no this dosent make sence.

It is not HOW I say it.
If I say killing and stealing is wrong, and I am very serious about my statement…that dosent change the fact that its wrong.

I am pro life and abortion is wrong.I feel strongly that its wrong. That dosent make me prejudice against people who have them…it dosent mean I have no compassion.

There are bottom lines. liberal people say that there is no bottom line…no right or wrong.

There is wright and wrong.
prejudice is wrong.

 

[excaliber]

No, I started out judging you positively. I thought you were someone who honestly was misguided in his prejudice against any woman who had not fallen off the turnip truck this morning. I thought you honestly wanted some advice about how to get around their hurt and how to help them trust again and love again.

I gave you advice how to break down the self-protective wall many people (men do it too!) build around themselves after being gutted in a relationship.

You proceeded to argue, pursue a very rigid emotional mindset and argued some more against my main premise to get to know these women before you rejected them. You ignored my advice to earn their trust, in which case the situation would resolve itself.

Eventually because of your own persistent choice of words and emphasis, I came to a conclusion about you and your mindset.

Let’s use a different example. Say I was married to an alcoholic. And you came along and every time I talked to you at the office you were talking about drinking, or booze, or whistling Budweiser commercial tunes. I’d come to the conclusion you were basically fixated on alcohol. Then you’d ask me out, not realizing I had been watching you. And when I said no, because I don’t want to be with someone whose life seems to center around alcohol because I had endured that before, you would accuse me of being one of those people who judges people negatively based on other people’s behavior, not yours.

In which case you’d be wrong. You send off signals you don’t even realize. Women are very intuitive. And telling someone else to get therapy is a great way to end a conversation. You’ve basically insinuated I need mental help, and that lets you completely off the hook. Nothing I have tried to say has any validity.

Well, you don’t seem to have learned much by this thread except to argue. Most women don’t want an argumentative man. You won’t have to worry about where to find women with that attitude.

I tried. I’m done with you. YOU judge other people negatively based on other people’s actions. For instance, because one OTHER older woman won’t let her husband do anything around the house, you judge older women to be defective and not worthy of you and the life of submission you are sure you deserve. So every older woman who comes along will be ignored by you. That is wrong. It is hypocritical. One set of rules for you, one for the women.

They say the thing people criticize most in others is the fault they hate most in themself.

???

You said you were in a bad relationship, now any friend who cares…should have told you to speak to someone qualified to help. There is nothing wrong with therapy. You would actualy get mad just because someone thinks therapy could help?

That’s what therapy is for.

You are trying to make me the bad guy, and Im not.

when you saw the thread “is it wise to marry younger women”…
… what made you think I was asking “is it wise to marry older women that came from a bad relationship”???

You then tried to justify HOLDING ON to hurt feelings to the point of condemning a gender. I said that’s wrong. And the rest of the discusion has been trying to excuse it.

and don’t try to turn this all on me.
I was simply saying that if a woman dose not respect men or her husband, because of past relationships that is not fair to her husband.

you have a double standard.
because if a man wanted to know where his wife was every second
because his ex cheated on him…well you would say…hey that’s not fair to her. But if the woman dose it to the man, its some how justified right?

 

[autumn_nights]

being hurt is not a choice, but how we respond is a choice.

bottom line its wrong to judge a whole race,tribe, and yes gender.

How we respond is called learning from one’s mistakes so we make better decisions later. That applies to all of us regardless of gender and is what we have all been doing since the first time we fell down when we were learning to walk.

No…mabey you just need some therapy. You need to heal over time.

because judging people negativly (which your even doing to me) based of someone else’s actions is wrong.

Oh brother…

By the way, there is a certain kind of man who tells a woman she needs therapy. You get to a certain age, you’ve probably already had at least one man tell you you are crazy and need to be on medication or “need help.” That kind of nastiness allows a certain kind of man to completely absolve himself of any responsibility in any encounter. The fault is all the woman’s. She’s crazy. He’s fine.

Red lights flashing everywhere here. I don’t judge all men based on what I know. But this particular man seems to fit a disturbing pattern of a minority of men out there. Which probably explains why women his age seem to avoid him.

But they’re probably all in need of therapy, right?

Don’t worry Lib… at the rate he’s going he’s going to be single a long long long long time and then he’ll wonder why and blame it on all of us women folk.

I think I’ve had enough of reading this dribble. Someone wants attention, not serious and honest advice.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

First of all, I was married to a man who dragged me from one therapist to another to find someone who would agree with him that I needed help.

They all said I was fine, and started to take a close look at him. He would drop them and find another. I know that game well.

You don’t know what counselling I have received in the last decade and a half and it is none of your business. My friends, who know me, of which you are not one, agree that I am fine.

What you see as a problem and my condemning a gender is not true at all, and anyone who read this whole thread would see that I don’t condemn all men. I advocate that a man gets to know a woman so she will trust him and know he doesn’t fall into a very small but toxic category of men who give the whole gender a very bad name. You want those women to take it on your word that you aren’t one of those.

YOU made me think your issue was about older women who had been hurt because YOU brought them up in YOUR first post and YOU asked how they can learn to trust again and get the spark back.

I have news for you… the women who really don’t trust men after a bad husband or boyfriend don’t remarry. So their future husbands dont’ have to worry. There won’t be any. Some of us who do trust are very cautious. I don’t date because I have children and there is another class of men out there, the kind that preys on women with children in order to abuse the children, and I didn’t want to put my kids at risk. But I’m sure you will twist that to mean I think all men are child molesters. SO have at it. I won’t be responding. Not all men are child molesters. But I don’t want to risk exposing my kids to the one in a million who might be and might be deceptive enough to get past my defenses and hurt my child. Since I obviously chose a very deceptive person the first time.

But then you would accuse my caution as “judging all men based on the child molesters out there.”

And no, I would never marry a man who wanted to know where I was every second. If his wife cheated on him and he didn’t get to know me enough to know that I’m not a cheater and never have been, I’d never walk down the aisle with him. And I certainly don’t want the kind of control freak that checks the odometer on my car and checks up on me all the time. Been there, done that.

So it’s not an issue. Because I WOULD GET TO KNOW THE MAN AND EARN HIS TRUST AND HE WOULD EARN MINE BEFORE I EVER MARRIED HIM. I would find out during the dating period if he was somewhere else when he claimed to be at work. I would find out if he was a cheater or lacked honesty or was abusive while I was dating him. If he didn’t pass my test, there would be no engagement much less a wedding. And so I would never have a husband who was paying for what the ex did. Because if he was anything like the ex he wouldn’t get that far. Because now I’m not naive and stupid.

Apparently you want a one-week engagement period and the woman better take your word you are a fine guy. Because that’s the only way you’d end up marrying someone who would judge you like that unless you lacked common sense. Which was my original point. Go read my first answer on page 1. You’re talking about marrying someone and you haven’t even shown that you’ve dated someone long enough to get to know them beyond their age and previous relationship history.

Good bye.

I won’t be responding to you any longer.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

blink Wow… this is an interesting thread now that I’m rereading it a bit…

Well then. I think on a very general basis we can agree. No, you should not judge a whole group of people based on the actions of a few. But on the same scale, you should not shake off bad experiences right away- you do learn from experience. Earning trust, as well as learning to trust again, are both good.

 

[excaliber]

blink Wow… this is an interesting thread now that I’m rereading it a bit…

Well then. I think on a very general basis we can agree. No, you should not judge a whole group of people based on the actions of a few. But on the same scale, you should not shake off bad experiences right away- you do learn from experience. Earning trust, as well as learning to trust again, are both good.

THANKYOU!!!
(claping)

I agree, and every man earns trust
during dating…that’s part of dating.

But before saying “I do” you should
be willing to comit 100 percent.

thanks for not trying to find a way
to make me out to be bad just because I think serious emotional problems should be dealt with BEFORE marriage.

 

[excaliber]

First of all, I was married to a man who dragged me from one therapist to another to find someone who would agree with him that I needed help.

They all said I was fine, and started to take a close look at him. He would drop them and find another. I know that game well.

You don’t know what counselling I have received in the last decade and a half and it is none of your business. My friends, who know me, of which you are not one, agree that I am fine.

What you see as a problem and my condemning a gender is not true at all, and anyone who read this whole thread would see that I don’t condemn all men. I advocate that a man gets to know a woman so she will trust him and know he doesn’t fall into a very small but toxic category of men who give the whole gender a very bad name. You want those women to take it on your word that you aren’t one of those.

YOU made me think your issue was about older women who had been hurt because YOU brought them up in YOUR first post and YOU asked how they can learn to trust again and get the spark back.

I have news for you… the women who really don’t trust men after a bad husband or boyfriend don’t remarry. So their future husbands dont’ have to worry. There won’t be any. Some of us who do trust are very cautious. I don’t date because I have children and there is another class of men out there, the kind that preys on women with children in order to abuse the children, and I didn’t want to put my kids at risk. But I’m sure you will twist that to mean I think all men are child molesters. SO have at it. I won’t be responding. Not all men are child molesters. But I don’t want to risk exposing my kids to the one in a million who might be and might be deceptive enough to get past my defenses and hurt my child. Since I obviously chose a very deceptive person the first time.

But then you would accuse my caution as “judging all men based on the child molesters out there.”

And no, I would never marry a man who wanted to know where I was every second. If his wife cheated on him and he didn’t get to know me enough to know that I’m not a cheater and never have been, I’d never walk down the aisle with him. And I certainly don’t want the kind of control freak that checks the odometer on my car and checks up on me all the time. Been there, done that.

So it’s not an issue. Because I WOULD GET TO KNOW THE MAN AND EARN HIS TRUST AND HE WOULD EARN MINE BEFORE I EVER MARRIED HIM. I would find out during the dating period if he was somewhere else when he claimed to be at work. I would find out if he was a cheater or lacked honesty or was abusive while I was dating him. If he didn’t pass my test, there would be no engagement much less a wedding. And so I would never have a husband who was paying for what the ex did. Because if he was anything like the ex he wouldn’t get that far. Because now I’m not naive and stupid.

Apparently you want a one-week engagement period and the woman better take your word you are a fine guy. Because that’s the only way you’d end up marrying someone who would judge you like that unless you lacked common sense. Which was my original point. Go read my first answer on page 1. You’re talking about marrying someone and you haven’t even shown that you’ve dated someone long enough to get to know them beyond their age and previous relationship history.

Good bye.

I won’t be responding to you any longer.

Liberanosamalo

Would you stop bieng so mean to me.
There is no reason to ignore people.

You have very strong opinions, and
I don’t think it makes me a bad guy just because I don’t agree with everything you say.

and would you please stop trying to paint bad pictures of me, saying
that I want girls to just take my word for it…saying I just want a short engagement…I want this and Im that.
You don’t know anything about me.
but you make up bad things about me, then try to argue with me about things you made up in your head.

why can’t you just be nice?

If you think you should marry someone, even though you have trust issues, and that he will some
how cure you. well I don’t agree, but you don’t have to get mad about it.

 

[sanctamaria17]

She’s saying it goes through stages.

I would expect a man to be friends with me first. If a guy only wanted to get to know me for a romantic purpose but then drop me like a hot potato when I want to take it slow and be friends seems to be either the type who rushes or doesn’t love unconditionally. After all, there were conditions attached.

I think what Lib is trying to say is that a guy has to be willing to get to know her, so he can understand why she doesn’t like certain things, not that he has to “fix” her. He has to earn her trust. Like any relationship, that happens slowly. Especially when you’ve been single for a long time.

I also think it would hurt, if you were nearly done raising kids and ready to commit and trust again, to hear every man your age say that he wants a younger woman because he has some kind of “right” to a young virgin and to biological children. That somehow, it will be “starting fresh.” As if older women are too corrupted by the world, not pretty and shiny enough, and no babies. Not that I’m saying you think this way, OP, but there have been previous threads along a similar line.

As for me, a guy better be comfortable being on an equal plane with me, not shoving submission down my throat and actually admiring my independence. That goes to show that I actually think, discern, and have found that I truly want him in my life, that I’m not looking for what I could gain out of it, but because I want to share my life with a beautiful, special person.

Does a woman have to be weak in order to fall in love with you?

 

[Aislin]

You’re not really being nice to her by saying she needs therapy which is none of your business, nor having anything to do with the topic. She’s probably simply frustrated and has had enough of going in circles.

So according to you, any woman who has been hurt in the past should stay out of relationships and marriage? How else do you expect them to get over it? It takes time and practice as well as meeting someone new and learning to trust again. It isn’t something that magically happens overnight or by reading a book or even with therapy. One can talk about it all they want but it doesn’t mean anything until they actually get out there and start living again. If someone falls off a bike and is afraid to ride it, they don’t overcome it by talking about it. No, they have to get right back on and try again. Not resolve the issue first, then try riding the bike again. It just doesn’t work that way. You’re not going to find this perfect girl who has never had anything bad happen to her in life.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

 

[chevalier]

no it dose not make sense. prejudice against prejudice???
you have invented a way of defending wrong.
I say hate is wrong. and you say
well you hate, hate. no this dosent make sence.

Firstly, you misrepresent what I say. You are not prejudiced against prejudice, you are prejudiced against people whom you believe to be prejudiced. Get the facts right.

It is not HOW I say it.
If I say killing and stealing is wrong, and I am very serious about my statement…that dosent change the fact that its wrong.

Your attitude is not only very serious, it is very serious and also emotionally invested to the point you become jaded and your facts become blurred. It does not change the merit of your opinion or lack of it, but it makes you nearly as prejudiced as the people whom you call prejudiced.

I am pro life and abortion is wrong.I feel strongly that its wrong. That dosent make me prejudice against people who have them…it dosent mean I have no compassion.

Again, I said it was not the content of your opinion but the way you went about it that made you prejudiced. Therefore that argument doesn’t apply.

There are bottom lines. liberal people say that there is no bottom line…no right or wrong.

The argument from matching a label to me does not apply either.

prejudice is wrong.

Yours is too.

 

[chevalier]

thanks for not trying to find a way
to make me out to be bad just because I think serious emotional problems should be dealt with BEFORE marriage.

You do not limit yourself to thinking serious emotional problems should be dealt with before marriage. You ask whether it’s wise to marry younger women considering that older women are jaded. Get the facts straight.

 

[excaliber]

You do not limit yourself to thinking serious emotional problems should be dealt with before marriage. You ask whether it’s wise to marry younger women considering that older women are jaded. Get the facts straight.

I asked for pros and cons of marrying a younger woman.

You and others are trying to label
me as predjudice against older woman…and any other label you can think of to have an excuse to get angry.

Its just like protestants taking one verse and turning it upside down to mean something else. you take
what I say then try to tell me what I meant by my own words.

now this thread is way of topic, because your interpreting what I say…adding to it.

what is the porpose in doing this?

 

[excaliber]

Im not listening to anymore of that
predjudice talk.
I say women who developed hatred for men should deal with it
before getting married.

Then someone comes and says
you must be prejudice against every woman over 18. just plain silly.

Its not age we need to talk about but attitude.

every thing I say is changed to something extreem.

If I say I don’t want to mary someone who can’t get over there ex, someone here says…oh so you must want someone perfect.

However it is interesting to see
what should be handeld BEFORE marriage. And what some feel can
be worked on AFTER marriage.

I have a question AND PLEASE don’t turn it around to mean something else.

If you are dating someone with attitudes because of past relationships. And you decide you will marry them and work on it while your married…
Isn’t that the same as trying to change a person? I thought that did not work?

If someone had a problem with alcohol would you marry them anyway and attempt to change them over time?

Now don’t get all mad, Im not comparing people that have been hurt to alcoholism.

Im trying to figure out what can be changed after marriage and what canot?

Some men are controling because of past relationship relationships,
now would you marry him and try
to show him over time that he could trust you?

If you say no…what makes that different from a woman that’s controling or such and such because of past relationship relationships?

 

[OLHope]

Wow this thread is quite heated; I am just going to hop in with some of the issues addressed in it, just to give my perspective.

Fast tips:

Therapy – YES, everyone needs it, but if you must, see a priest, they are great therapists, and use the money you would pay a therapist to give to the church, I work as a volunteer therapist to troubled youth, I don’t care for many therapists in the general field, they abide by a lot of popular culture BS that is written by PhD’s and veer off the path of Catholicism, Unfortunately when it’s a couples therapists, they tend to do more damage, than good. How does that help the marriage?

Jaded – Men are jaded just as much as any woman. I know, I was on the receiving end of two bad dates, one older man, one younger man, where I had to take the brunt of listening to their past, and they were just as pouting, complaining, scorned, and resentful as any woman I know in the same situation. I have no past of bad relations to compare, but why do I have to receive the brunt of this, on dates of all places?

The initial question: Is it wise to marry younger women?

YES and NO – As long as you both get along well, are good to each other, and believe in the church’s teachings. All good things come around full force.

I say be open to dating someone of your own interest/qualities or some mild attraction. I also say, court the person you feel will definitively be of marrying quality to your life IF the vocation of marriage, is, in fact, what you are being called to. IF you can understand that with all the maybe-not-so-positive stories you hear here or in friends/family’s real lives or pasts…, understanding mishaps could happen to you, and you accept flaws or problems happening now, and they will happen, sometimes ten-fold, then go for it. Maybe you will be lucky and everything will be peachy keen and hunky dory.

Be open now to the fact that the love in the beginning of a marriage often times can change into a loving respectful friendship/partnership or there can be a rocky road ahead, because the vocation of marriage (especially with family) is much more difficult/wearing/busy than that of singlehood, lay ministry, or religious. You take on a lot of multi-projects as a leader of a household, caring for a spouse and kids. Yes, I am making that to seem overwhelming, but it is the labor of love that forces a person to get out of bed everyday to tend to their family.

Your question can also be phrased: Is it wise to marry older women?

Well, you pretty much only have two choices then, don’t you? If you find someone you like enough that is born the same day as you, I will be shocked! I actually care about age in dating, I prefer someone a few years around my age, older or younger, doesn’t mater, as long as they are just and good-natured, things would work out fine. I was a lector at my home parish when I was being approached by an usher, who was double my age, as I finished college. I didn’t know of his interest until another usher pointed out his behavior of making too strong an effort to help me put the lectionary away, and the other usher simply stated to me, “Don’t you think it is odd he happens to show up to every mass your scheduled for, only helping you?” Our schedules are published in the bulletin, I began to get a little creeped out about it. I never brought it up to anyone’s attention, but I did end up leaving the lay ministry for it.

Just for reference, I posted this in another link00000, where I said out of the 8 marriages I actually know in real life, with the older women, NONE are divorced so far. Read more about it if you want to revisit. Since all the divorces I know include a woman being younger, the disputes and issues always concerned money, control on spending, subservient/dominance problems and other things not ironed out before marriage or in pre-Cana discussions. Perhaps, younger women are assured they will be well cared for with a supposed older/wiser spouse? It’s a misconception, but as a TV show said about attraction to a particular fireman, do women want marriage/family in order to be rescued from the perils of working life? Are they truly fulfilled and happy? I know several men who promised only love and security, to take care of their wives forever, all, but one couple, divorced. It behooves me to think what a man is thinking when they say something like that, and not something rational like…, ok so how would you handle these financial difficulties in these particular situations, or how would you rear the kids if they did this, that, or the other.

A man told his beautiful bride, “You’re so beautiful, you’ve made me the most happiest man on the face of the earth, and for this, I am truly grateful, so in return, I am going to give you the world!” He delivered well on his promise a few months later when she received his family heirloom globe in antique encasing in the divorce decree. These have been men who have been a sucker for a pretty face, however, after time, looks dwindled, unhappiness sets in, more fighting, more addictions to battle ensue, and it becomes a dismal mess.

Ultimately we all have AN INDIVIDUAL PREFERENCE on who we like, who we date, who we think to be potential for marriage, and along comes God…, and he changes your skewed view to someone you would never have thought, nor allowed as potential. As someone said here and in other threads as well, you cannot date now, or give up on it any time you want, especially if it is so difficult a process that is really a time intensive search. A lot of research and communication about your plans and your pasts should be discussed to eradicate all uncertainty, it’s hard meeting new people, I, myself am not trusting of many newcomers, and I have never been jaded, perhaps overly cautious. Oh well, I better quit while too far ahead in my thoughts and advice on this. Good luck to everybody!

-HOPE

 

[excaliber]

Wow this thread is quite heated; I am just going to hop in with some of the issues addressed in it, just to give my perspective.

Fast tips:

Therapy – YES, everyone needs it, but if you must, see a priest, they are great therapists, and use the money you would pay a therapist to give to the church, I work as a volunteer therapist to troubled youth, I don’t care for many therapists in the general field, they abide by a lot of popular culture BS that is written by PhD’s and veer off the path of Catholicism, Unfortunately when it’s a couples therapists, they tend to do more damage, than good. How does that help the marriage?

Jaded – Men are jaded just as much as any woman. I know, I was on the receiving end of two bad dates, one older man, one younger man, where I had to take the brunt of listening to their past, and they were just as pouting, complaining, scorned, and resentful as any woman I know in the same situation. I have no past of bad relations to compare, but why do I have to receive the brunt of this, on dates of all places?

The initial question: Is it wise to marry younger women?

YES and NO – As long as you both get along well, are good to each other, and believe in the church’s teachings. All good things come around full force.

I say be open to dating someone of your own interest/qualities or some mild attraction. I also say, court the person you feel will definitively be of marrying quality to your life IF the vocation of marriage, is, in fact, what you are being called to. IF you can understand that with all the maybe-not-so-positive stories you hear here or in friends/family’s real lives or pasts…, understanding mishaps could happen to you, and you accept flaws or problems happening now, and they will happen, sometimes ten-fold, then go for it. Maybe you will be lucky and everything will be peachy keen and hunky dory.

Be open now to the fact that the love in the beginning of a marriage often times can change into a loving respectful friendship/partnership or there can be a rocky road ahead, because the vocation of marriage (especially with family) is much more difficult/wearing/busy than that of singlehood, lay ministry, or religious. You take on a lot of multi-projects as a leader of a household, caring for a spouse and kids. Yes, I am making that to seem overwhelming, but it is the labor of love that forces a person to get out of bed everyday to tend to their family.

Your question can also be phrased: Is it wise to marry older women?

Well, you pretty much only have two choices then, don’t you? If you find someone you like enough that is born the same day as you, I will be shocked! I actually care about age in dating, I prefer someone a few years around my age, older or younger, doesn’t mater, as long as they are just and good-natured, things would work out fine. I was a lector at my home parish when I was being approached by an usher, who was double my age, as I finished college. I didn’t know of his interest until another usher pointed out his behavior of making too strong an effort to help me put the lectionary away, and the other usher simply stated to me, “Don’t you think it is odd he happens to show up to every mass your scheduled for, only helping you?” Our schedules are published in the bulletin, I began to get a little creeped out about it. I never brought it up to anyone’s attention, but I did end up leaving the lay ministry for it.

Just for reference, I posted this in another link00000, where I said out of the 8 marriages I actually know in real life, with the older women, NONE are divorced so far. Read more about it if you want to revisit. Since all the divorces I know include a woman being younger, the disputes and issues always concerned money, control on spending, subservient/dominance problems and other things not ironed out before marriage or in pre-Cana discussions. Perhaps, younger women are assured they will be well cared for with a supposed older/wiser spouse? It’s a misconception, but as a TV show said about attraction to a particular fireman, do women want marriage/family in order to be rescued from the perils of working life? Are they truly fulfilled and happy? I know several men who promised only love and security, to take care of their wives forever, all, but one couple, divorced. It behooves me to think what a man is thinking when they say something like that, and not something rational like…, ok so how would you handle these financial difficulties in these particular situations, or how would you rear the kids if they did this, that, or the other.

A man told his beautiful bride, “You’re so beautiful, you’ve made me the most happiest man on the face of the earth, and for this, I am truly grateful, so in return, I am going to give you the world!” He delivered well on his promise a few months later when she received his family heirloom globe in antique encasing in the divorce decree. These have been men who have been a sucker for a pretty face, however, after time, looks dwindled, unhappiness sets in, more fighting, more addictions to battle ensue, and it becomes a dismal mess.

Ultimately we all have AN INDIVIDUAL PREFERENCE on who we like, who we date, who we think to be potential for marriage, and along comes God…, and he changes your skewed view to someone you would never have thought, nor allowed as potential. As someone said here and in other threads as well, you cannot date now, or give up on it any time you want, especially if it is so difficult a process that is really a time intensive search. A lot of research and communication about your plans and your pasts should be discussed to eradicate all uncertainty, it’s hard meeting new people, I, myself am not trusting of many newcomers, and I have never been jaded, perhaps overly cautious. Oh well, I better quit while too far ahead in my thoughts and advice on this. Good luck to everybody!

-HOPE

Good thoughts.
I like your experience of men complaining about there ex’s.

It’s not just women, but men also
develope bad attitudes. Obviously you did not marry them.