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Petersprincess1
Guest
Hmmmm…PrayerShark you have a point there. I best run to the store and get myself a bucket full of sharpies! My poor husbands mind is at risk!!!
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pianistclare
Guest
Couldn’t have said it better.
Old maxims simply reflect out-dated views of women.
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Joe_5859
Guest
I have great respect for Cat, and I am often edified by the wisdom she brings to any thread. And I cannot disagree that there is a certain propensity for overreaction on the forum amongst some posters.
However, I don’t think most people are overreacting in this instance. If I sit and think about what would have to be going through my mind to sit at a water park and stare at scantily-clad girls until they are out of sight to the point where I get really “revved up”, I know that it would necessitate a trip for me to Confession. That’s why I have a hard time shrugging it off as not that big of a deal.
However, I don’t think most people are overreacting in this instance. If I sit and think about what would have to be going through my mind to sit at a water park and stare at scantily-clad girls until they are out of sight to the point where I get really “revved up”, I know that it would necessitate a trip for me to Confession. That’s why I have a hard time shrugging it off as not that big of a deal.
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secondop
Guest
I am aware the water park isn’t porn! I just said I felt like he just watched porn because he got just as aroused as he would if he would’ve watched porn. that’s all I meant! sorry u took that wrong. I am aware of the difference between the two! I think u are just missing the point. The point is, my husband got aroused by other women and came to me , treating me like a piece of meat, and went for it, taking all his sexual stimulation out on my body!
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Psalm98
Guest
Secondop,
Please disregard all of Cat’s comments. There are many people here who support you. Focus on that. Your feelings are completely legitimate, and your husband needs to make amends for his behavior. Perhaps you and your husband can go talk to a good, trusted counselor or priest about this so you can resolve the problem and begin to heal.
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pianistclare
Guest
Amen to that! Secondop, many are praying fro you.
God bless you, and pray to the Holy Family for guidance and peace.
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secondop
Guest
Thank you and everyone else as well for your great support!
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Maine52
Guest
Yes, Amen to that. You have my prayers.
One thing I would add is that I would emphasize the “good and trusted” part when referring to a priest or counselor. In my experiences, some priests and counselors do not give sound advice or counseling, so choose wisely. If their advice doesn’t feel right to you, or if anything they say or do makes you uncomfortable, seek support elsewhere.
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SeekerofTruth27
Guest
Hey secondop,
I would agree with the idea of seeing a good priest or counselor, especially if he still believes that he hasn’t done anything wrong.
I also noticed that you said that you confronted him via text message. While I can see why this was necessary at that time (he texted you about going back), I strongly recommend speaking to him about this in person whenever possible. Or at least on the phone. When we use texting, it is easy to misinterpret what a person is trying to say because there is no way of knowing exactly **how **the person is saying it (tone, body language, etc.) and the devil is more than happy to persuade us to assume the worst.
God bless
I would agree with the idea of seeing a good priest or counselor, especially if he still believes that he hasn’t done anything wrong.
I also noticed that you said that you confronted him via text message. While I can see why this was necessary at that time (he texted you about going back), I strongly recommend speaking to him about this in person whenever possible. Or at least on the phone. When we use texting, it is easy to misinterpret what a person is trying to say because there is no way of knowing exactly **how **the person is saying it (tone, body language, etc.) and the devil is more than happy to persuade us to assume the worst.
God bless
C
Cat
Guest
I’m sorry to cause so many of you to disrespect me. I am obviously coming at this from a different perspective. It has worked well for me and others.
I think some of you are reading things into my posts that are not there. I am not advocating that the husband be allowed to “ogle” or use innocent settings as a pornographic stimulus. I agree with all of you that these behaviors violate the commandment of Our Lord Jesus.
I am not advocating that the OP allow the husband to use her body like a piece of meat. I am saying that she should not be surprised or disgusted that after being in a place surrounded by half-naked women, that he is desirous of sex. If I go to the Taste of Chicago Festival, I will definitely want food.
I believe I have suggested, possibly twice in this thread, that if this is an area of trouble for her husband, that perhaps water parks aren’t a good place to go.
I am not, as some of you are saying, trying to win any debates and be “right.” I am only trying to give advice to a young wife who is asking for advice. I believe that good, strong Christians marriages are the best way to defeat gay marriage and other sinful romantic/sexual relationships.
The OP is free to reject my advice or accept it all or in part. I will not be upset if what works for me and my husband doesn’t work for her and her husband.
OP, I sincerely wish you all the best with your husband and I’m confident you will approach this in a way that will work for you and him. I stick with my advice–easy does it, use a “light touch”, and don’t expect this area to be perfect immediately. I would advise against seeing a priest or counselor unless your husband displays this behavior often and seems to be unable or uninterested in stopping. Try to work it out between the two of you first.
I think some of you are reading things into my posts that are not there. I am not advocating that the husband be allowed to “ogle” or use innocent settings as a pornographic stimulus. I agree with all of you that these behaviors violate the commandment of Our Lord Jesus.
I am not advocating that the OP allow the husband to use her body like a piece of meat. I am saying that she should not be surprised or disgusted that after being in a place surrounded by half-naked women, that he is desirous of sex. If I go to the Taste of Chicago Festival, I will definitely want food.
I believe I have suggested, possibly twice in this thread, that if this is an area of trouble for her husband, that perhaps water parks aren’t a good place to go.
I am not, as some of you are saying, trying to win any debates and be “right.” I am only trying to give advice to a young wife who is asking for advice. I believe that good, strong Christians marriages are the best way to defeat gay marriage and other sinful romantic/sexual relationships.
The OP is free to reject my advice or accept it all or in part. I will not be upset if what works for me and my husband doesn’t work for her and her husband.
OP, I sincerely wish you all the best with your husband and I’m confident you will approach this in a way that will work for you and him. I stick with my advice–easy does it, use a “light touch”, and don’t expect this area to be perfect immediately. I would advise against seeing a priest or counselor unless your husband displays this behavior often and seems to be unable or uninterested in stopping. Try to work it out between the two of you first.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
Quite frankly, giving people such leeway for fidelity in marriage does not make “Christian marriage” appealing to me as an outsider one bit at all.
You know what would make it appealing? Holding people to their vows. Placing blame on the guilty partner for infidelity (and yes, according to your faith, this was infidelity) rather than the woman who just “didn’t understand” or who “brought it up at the wrong time”. Advocating for self-control. Not making excuses such as it’s a “baby marriage” whatever that means.
Yep. My sinful, invalid marriage is far more appealing than a “strong Christian” marriage in which my husband is allowed to drool over whoever he wants for hours and I’m told that it’s “delightful” that he came to me for physical relief.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
Actually, I have a friend over right now and after we discussed this situation I think that I would have to go a step further and say that not only does my sinful marriage sound much more loving, supportive, and healthy than this situation, but that even as very heterosexual woman I would rather be married to another woman who makes an effort to honor her commitment to me than to a man who acts like the OP’s husband.
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pianistclare
Guest
Posting opposing viewpoints is not disrespect. I’m surprised that this would be said…as the poster in question has been on CAF for a long long time.
I don’t think we’re trying to confront SSA in this thread either, irrelevant.
When a person makes light of another person’s problem, that in and of itself, is a problem, and very unkind. Many people have heard the pain of the OP. I’m shocked that anyone would be critical of that. Many have offered prayers.
Finally, it’s the tone of the posts…the notion that one is an expert, whereas the rest of us are just slinging our (wrong) opinions around.
Yeah, thanks.
I don’t think we’re trying to confront SSA in this thread either, irrelevant.
When a person makes light of another person’s problem, that in and of itself, is a problem, and very unkind. Many people have heard the pain of the OP. I’m shocked that anyone would be critical of that. Many have offered prayers.
Finally, it’s the tone of the posts…the notion that one is an expert, whereas the rest of us are just slinging our (wrong) opinions around.
Yeah, thanks.
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Miserissima
Guest
What works for Couple A may not be acceptable / appropriate at all for Couple B.
It’s nice to have options, but there is no “magic formula” for all couples.
I would say, OP, that the advice to lighten up may not be appropriate at this moment while you’re intensely hurting.
Give yourself time to gather your own strength to outline what happened and have a mature discussion about it. “I felt like you masturbated with my body,” doesn’t sound far off, does it? You may consider following up with, “If I seem mean, it’s because I don’t want to be in that situation again to feel used, unloved, disconnected from intimacy with you [and perhaps powerless].”
If he can’t feel empathy for how you were hurt, that’s not your responsibility. Like Ehrmann wrote, “Speak your truth quietly and clearly.”
Disagreeing isn’t being disrespectful.
It’s nice to have options, but there is no “magic formula” for all couples.
I would say, OP, that the advice to lighten up may not be appropriate at this moment while you’re intensely hurting.
Give yourself time to gather your own strength to outline what happened and have a mature discussion about it. “I felt like you masturbated with my body,” doesn’t sound far off, does it? You may consider following up with, “If I seem mean, it’s because I don’t want to be in that situation again to feel used, unloved, disconnected from intimacy with you [and perhaps powerless].”
If he can’t feel empathy for how you were hurt, that’s not your responsibility. Like Ehrmann wrote, “Speak your truth quietly and clearly.”
Disagreeing isn’t being disrespectful.
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Radish
Guest
I’ve not read any replies to this thread so sorry if I repeat anything.
I guess it depends. How naked are these people? Is he just zoning out? Sometimes I even stare at women or men with little clothes on at the beach. I’m not looking at them because they are attractive but mostly because I’m trying to figure out how they are keeping themselves covered in a couple strings.
I guess you know him better than anyone and know if he is being lustful or not. It might also help to speak with him in a non confrontational manner about what he’s thinking about when he stares at the ladies. You might be able to work in how much it bothers you.
I guess it depends. How naked are these people? Is he just zoning out? Sometimes I even stare at women or men with little clothes on at the beach. I’m not looking at them because they are attractive but mostly because I’m trying to figure out how they are keeping themselves covered in a couple strings.
I guess you know him better than anyone and know if he is being lustful or not. It might also help to speak with him in a non confrontational manner about what he’s thinking about when he stares at the ladies. You might be able to work in how much it bothers you.
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Gordon_Sims
Guest
Porn is in the eye of the beholder. While OP didn’t catch her husband locked in the basement with a stack of DVD’s, he was absolutely using the women at the water park in the same way he’d have been using porn. If you’re using what you’re looking at for sexual stimulation and gratification, you’re looking at someone with lust and, therefore, committing adultery. This isn’t a vague or questionable teaching of the Church, either. As was already pointed out, Jesus was pretty straightforward about this in Matthew 5:28.
So OP’s husband was committing adultery and that’s not something for her to get worked up over? I personally don’t agree with that. I also believe that any woman in a similar situation should be upset. Let’s say the husband really had a thing for Judge Judy. Would it be okay for him to watch her program all afternoon, ogling her and making explicit comments under his breath about her robe or the way she yells at a defendant, then use his wife to satisfy his urges? That may sound facetious (and, to be honest, a bit disturbing), but I know several people who have had problems in their marriage because one of the spouses would use a particular TV show or movies featuring a favorite star to “jump start” themselves before sex. I don’t see any difference between that and doing the same thing with porn, girls in bikinis at the water park or whatever it is that turns you on.
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Zzyzx_Road
Guest
Be careful of impossible standards. The way is narrow, but not that narrow. By this standard, at least half of all married couples at the beach, at the water park, at the ball game, at the park, etc., are already in trouble. Does Gordon want all those marriages broken up over this? Do people really desire that outcome? Are men to be held to nearly impossible standards? We can go down this rabbit hole for days …
To be clear, I get the ogling part, I get that he went overboard with it and I get how the wife feels disrespected by it. They need to discuss it face to face, not by text. But if she expects him to never look at women again, then they should move to a country where women dress in burqas and chadors. Is that what she really wants? I should think not. Hence, they need to find a middle ground. She has to understand he will look, he has to understand to keep that looking under control. In the end, we have to acknowledge that it was her that her husband wanted to have sex with, not any of these other women. Somewhere in her heart, she needs to be glad he still desires her even though the context was not right this time. Or theirs is going to be a short marriage.
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LongingSoul
Guest
I agree mostly with what you have said but as a woman like the OP, you probably are thinking that we will buy that ‘it’s you he wants to be with’ bit, when really it’s probably closer to the truth that ‘you are his only option (morally)to get this itch scratched’. Women can be more understanding of mens nature, but men need to reciprocate and accept that using her as a receptical and not caring about her experience and enjoyment of sex… is pretty darn hurtful. It may not be so hurtful to a man to have a woman want him scratch her itch (I don’t know but it doesn’t seem that way) but it’s like leaving five bucks on the bedside table afterwards to say ‘it’s you I want to be with’.
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PrayerShark
Guest
Really?!? We’re speculating truth now; specifically her husband’s motivation for sex?
Welcome aboard the judgmental crazy train, choo, chooooooooooo.
Zzyzx Road:
Common sense prevails!
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