Is it wrong to give up on marriage after a certain age?

[WildCatholic]

Is it? I just turned 25 and already i feel like a loser not just for not being married but for not even really being able to consider it (I’m getting my masters in special education but right now I substitute teach and work for just above minimum wage at a grocery store so no way to support someone even if I could get a relationship). Anyway I’m thinking that at 30 i’m just going to give up on finding someone. Honestly at that point I feel like all the good women will be taken. Also a lot of it for me is i don’t want the risk of having unhealthy kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love and feel that we need to do better in helping kids with disabilities, but at the same time I don’t want to have to risk my kids being born with something like down syndrome just because me and their mother married at 40 which increases the risk. Also in my own family my mom and dad were 38 and 45 when they married and I suffer from emotional issues and my sister suffers from bad teeth and severe depression because my mom was on heart medication and couple that with old eggs it leads to issues. And to top it off my brother has high functioning autism. So I don’t want my future kids to suffer with these problems just because my wife and i are over the age when someone should have kids ( also don’t get me wrong if you want to have kids over a certain age fine. I am pro life but honestly after a certain age maybe it should be more likely you have to practice NFP or something). So is it wrong to just give up on marriage and stay celibate if I don’t find someone after 30?

 

[Viki63]

Hello,
Do you feel like you’re called to marriage? Have you talked it over with a priest? Do you have some good women friends?
Just some questions to consider.
No, I don’t think you should give up, but what do I know? I got married at 27, annulled several years later, and married at 48.
God has a plan for your life. Only He knows what it is, but you might ask Him. Meanwhile, I find that thanking him for working everything out for good is a helpful attitude.
There are good men and women everywhere. They are often found where and when we least expect it, often after we give up on the search ourselves and hand the concern over to God.
Make friends, join Bible studies, hiking groups, whatever you’re interested in.
God bless.

 

[Jon_S_1]

Is it? I just turned 25 and already i feel like a loser not just for not being married but for not even really being able to consider it (I’m getting my masters in special education but right now I substitute teach and work for just above minimum wage at a grocery store so no way to support someone even if I could get a relationship). Anyway I’m thinking that at 30 i’m just going to give up on finding someone. Honestly at that point I feel like all the good women will be taken. Also a lot of it for me is i don’t want the risk of having unhealthy kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love and feel that we need to do better in helping kids with disabilities, but at the same time I don’t want to have to risk my kids being born with something like down syndrome just because me and their mother married at 40 which increases the risk. Also in my own family my mom and dad were 38 and 45 when they married and I suffer from emotional issues and my sister suffers from bad teeth and severe depression because my mom was on heart medication and couple that with old eggs it leads to issues. And to top it off my brother has high functioning autism. So I don’t want my future kids to suffer with these problems just because my wife and i are over the age when someone should have kids ( also don’t get me wrong if you want to have kids over a certain age fine. I am pro life but honestly after a certain age maybe it should be more likely you have to practice NFP or something). So is it wrong to just give up on marriage and stay celibate if I don’t find someone after 30?

So I clicked on this link thinking the poster was probably in his 40’s LOL.

25…you are still a kid!

You have lots of time, guess what as soon as you stop trying it will likely find you.

I must say, I think you have a couple maturity issues to work out. Work on yourself and make sure you are ready for marriage.

Also, in marriage you need to be open to new life even after age 40. Using NFP to prevent bad teeth is not ok, and the risk of Down syndrome is increased, but still 99 out of 100 babies born after 40 are perfectly fine.

Anyway, good luck, and relax a little…enjoy your life, focus on your relationship with God and the rest will fall into place.

 

[Edmundus1581]

So I clicked on this link thinking the poster was probably in his 40’s LOL.

hehe…

When I read the title I thought “Probably in his or her 50’s”.

Then I thought… people in their 40’s start to think they’re too old…

Then I thought… so do people in their 30’s…

So I thought… “This person could be as young as 26”.

But 25!

To the OP, I suggest you take a long term view of this. Over the next couple of years think about how you can “market” yourself to the opposite sex. Because finding someone is not just about being yourself and hoping for the best. It’s also a game with some rules and strategies, and the better you play the game the better your chances will be.

 

[robwar]

Is it? I just turned 25 and already i feel like a loser not just for not being married but for not even really being able to consider it (I’m getting my masters in special education but right now I substitute teach and work for just above minimum wage at a grocery store so no way to support someone even if I could get a relationship). Anyway I’m thinking that at 30 i’m just going to give up on finding someone. Honestly at that point I feel like all the good women will be taken. Also a lot of it for me is i don’t want the risk of having unhealthy kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love and feel that we need to do better in helping kids with disabilities, but at the same time I don’t want to have to risk my kids being born with something like down syndrome just because me and their mother married at 40 which increases the risk. Also in my own family my mom and dad were 38 and 45 when they married and I suffer from emotional issues and my sister suffers from bad teeth and severe depression because my mom was on heart medication and couple that with old eggs it leads to issues. And to top it off my brother has high functioning autism. So I don’t want my future kids to suffer with these problems just because my wife and i are over the age when someone should have kids ( also don’t get me wrong if you want to have kids over a certain age fine. I am pro life but honestly after a certain age maybe it should be more likely you have to practice NFP or something). So is it wrong to just give up on marriage and stay celibate if I don’t find someone after 30?

you are still a kid at 25. Take a deep breath and consider that the average age now to get married is pushing 30. Stop making up things in your head about age and children with disabilities. finish your education, get a job and again take a deep breath.

 

[Bataar]

Yeah, you’re still too young. When you’re like me and 35 and have never even dated anyone, then worry.

 

[Ms_Manners]

At 25 I hadn’t even met my husband.

 

[Petaro]

Is it? I just turned 25 and already i feel like a loser not just for not being married but for not even really being able to consider it (I’m getting my masters in special education but right now I substitute teach and work for just above minimum wage at a grocery store so no way to support someone even if I could get a relationship). Anyway I’m thinking that at 30 i’m just going to give up on finding someone. Honestly at that point I feel like all the good women will be taken. Also a lot of it for me is i don’t want the risk of having unhealthy kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love and feel that we need to do better in helping kids with disabilities, but at the same time I don’t want to have to risk my kids being born with something like down syndrome just because me and their mother married at 40 which increases the risk. Also in my own family my mom and dad were 38 and 45 when they married and I suffer from emotional issues and my sister suffers from bad teeth and severe depression because my mom was on heart medication and couple that with old eggs it leads to issues. And to top it off my brother has high functioning autism. So I don’t want my future kids to suffer with these problems just because my wife and i are over the age when someone should have kids ( also don’t get me wrong if you want to have kids over a certain age fine. I am pro life but honestly after a certain age maybe it should be more likely you have to practice NFP or something). So is it wrong to just give up on marriage and stay celibate if I don’t find someone after 30?

25? Where do I start! I was worried about all the horrors you read about in the women’s magazines I used to read whilst going to the doctor or dentist. Then I read about Folic Acid. Took it for years whilst waiting for the right girl. My mum had old eggs at 40 and had twin boys with IQs above 140 whose natural talents and good looks still make me blink every time I pass a mirror. My dad was 60 when he had us so his sperm was probably nothing to write home about. I married late to a retired princess aged 41 and we had a son who is now topping his classes at University after our happy marriage of twenty years.
I would give it a few more years, and just a hint, don’t open up on these concerns on the first date.

 

[McCartney]

At 52 my friend married her husband of 48. It was the first marriage for both of them.

 

[mrsjennymulhall]

Good morning,

Of all the thing you have listed as worrying you, the one that ought to demand your immediate attention is your earning potential. You should put your effort into finishing/continuing your education and finding a way to earn enough to support YOURSELF comfortably, with enough for a safety net of three month’s expenses.

You may find that, once you start looking after yourself, living your potential and looking to the future in a practical way, that God will give you the opportunity to meet someone.

Your worries about ‘all the good women being gone’ and older parents meaning health problems are real to you, but mostly unfounded. Somewhere, there’s a girl, possibly a ‘late bloomer’ like yourself who is thinking she ought to pull her socks up and get her life together. Some girls don’t get into dating until quite late because of shyness, home responsibilities or a bad early experience. People differ.

As to your sister and her depression; I am typing this as I wait for my son to finish his psychiatry appointment. He has chronic depression, was fine up to 18 months ago and was born when I was 19 and his father was 20. You just never know.

Put your effort into yourself. Push yourself to your limits of education and hard work. Pray for guidance to find your path in life. Strive to be honest, decent and dependable and you will first find the person God wants you to be; then the person He wants you to be with.

Good luck; you’re a thoughtful young man. You’ll do fine.

Jenny x

 

[Nelka]

I was 31 when I got married.

So don’t give up.

 

[Xantippe]

The average US man now marries for the first time at 29, while the average woman is 27. At 30, you’ll be just a hair above average. That’s way too early to give up.

Also, have a look at the charts for chromosomal abnormalities. It does accelerate rapidly at certain points (for instance at 40), but relatively speaking, the odds are still pretty good throughout the 30s.

php.med.unsw.edu.au/embryology/index.php?title=Genetic_risk_maternal_age

With a mother who is 30, the risk of Down Syndrome is 1 in 952 and the risk of any chromosomal abnormality is 1 in 384. By 40, it’s 1 in 106 and 1 in 66. As I read the chart, from 20 to 30, the risk of Down roughly doubles, while the risk of chromosomal abnormality doesn’t quite double. 30 to 40 is quite different–the risk of Down Syndrome is 9X greater and the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases 6X. So, the risks are slowly increasing from 20 to 30, but from 30 to 40, it accelerates. The really, really bad odds are in the upper 40s (1 in 11 and 1 in 8 at 49).

There are a lot of relatively low-risk years in the 30s.

 

[lerapt78]

Is it? I just turned 25 and already i feel like a loser not just for not being married but for not even really being able to consider it (I’m getting my masters in special education but right now I substitute teach and work for just above minimum wage at a grocery store so no way to support someone even if I could get a relationship). Anyway I’m thinking that at 30 i’m just going to give up on finding someone. Honestly at that point I feel like all the good women will be taken.

OP, while financial stability and provision is often attractive to women, so is a man who works hard and is goal-oriented, even if he doesn’t yet have much money sitting in the bank. Women your age don’t necessarily need to be financially supported right off the bat, as they usually work as well. Instead of focusing on the *immediate *need to provide for a woman, why not consider that both you and a wife could join salaries and save money for a couple of years before having your first child?

I would say the greater impediments to considering marriage are a lack of responsibility, and a lack of moral integrity, and the lack of an understanding of the sacrifices that come with taking these vows. That you don’t already have an accumulation of assets at your age is a temporary condition, and hopefully one that will change in the near future, considering that you are working toward the means of achieving career stability. Since you currently have two jobs, are furthering your education, and are concerned about being a good provider, it seems as though you already have many of the qualities and mindset that would make for a good husband.:

Also a lot of it for me is i don’t want the risk of having unhealthy kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love and feel that we need to do better in helping kids with disabilities, but at the same time I don’t want to have to risk my kids being born with something like down syndrome just because me and their mother married at 40 which increases the risk. Also in my own family my mom and dad were 38 and 45 when they married and I suffer from emotional issues and my sister suffers from bad teeth and severe depression because my mom was on heart medication and couple that with old eggs it leads to issues. And to top it off my brother has high functioning autism. So I don’t want my future kids to suffer with these problems just because my wife and i are over the age when someone should have kids ( also don’t get me wrong if you want to have kids over a certain age fine. I am pro life but honestly after a certain age maybe it should be more likely you have to practice NFP or something). So is it wrong to just give up on marriage and stay celibate if I don’t find someone after 30?

I would be careful about assuming that bad teeth and emotional issues had anything to do with the age of your mother’s eggs, or her cardiac system. And though autism *is *linked to the age of the father’s sperm, the odds of having healthy children for men in this age bracket are still in their favor.

If you’re already putting obstacles in your marital path due to financial concerns, worrying about genetic risks that are 15 years away isn’t going to help!! Lighten up a bit and go find your wife!

 

[Thorns]

I can sympathize with the OP on the age limit thing and about all the good women being taken. It seems like at that point, the only women who are left are women who are simpl willing to settle aka theyll take anyone, not necessarily because they like you. Had it been 10 years earlier, they wouldn’t even consider you, but once life isnt good to them with divorce, older age, etc they’ll settle for you.

Another thing I think about is the older a woman is, the more psychologically scarred, jaded shes likely to be and the probability of her having or having had an STD is higher too.

At that point, being single seems like a healthier, happier life.

 

[WildCatholic]

Hello,
Do you feel like you’re called to marriage? Have you talked it over with a priest? Do you have some good women friends?
Just some questions to consider.
No, I don’t think you should give up, but what do I know? I got married at 27, annulled several years later, and married at 48.
God has a plan for your life. Only He knows what it is, but you might ask Him. Meanwhile, I find that thanking him for working everything out for good is a helpful attitude.
There are good men and women everywhere. They are often found where and when we least expect it, often after we give up on the search ourselves and hand the concern over to God.
Make friends, join Bible studies, hiking groups, whatever you’re interested in.
God bless.

First of all yes I have talked to a priest. I felt after a period of discernment I was called to marriage and that I felt more confident about pursuing it. However it’s easier said than done. I’ve never been comfortable around women. I honestly only have a few female friends and honestly I feel like when I have attraction toward someone that I shouldn’t because I’m not good enough for that person (not as in i think i’m a bad person but that i’m too ugly or too weird or that i’m “creepy” whatever that means). Also there aren’t many groups in the small town where I live and I can’t move and even if there was everyone decent is taken already and the rest either have 3 kids with two dads or do drugs or get wasted every weekend. I know it isn’t good to think like this and i am getting better but I just am tired of waiting.

 

[Irishmom2]

I didn’t get married until I was 29. By your standards OP, I was a loser.

 

[WildCatholic]

I didn’t get married until I was 29. By your standards OP, I was a loser.

Sorry if I inferred that. You definitely aren’t and no one is if they had to wait. My big thing is that i haven’t really had a relationship and only a series of dates with girls i met online (i’ve only asked out one girl I didn’t meet online and the date was a spectacular failure, granted she was a little off balance herself) and basically as far as dating goes i’m like the equivalent of a 16 year old or probably less. And now that i’m 25 a lot of woman are successful and have jobs and here i am still in school (and I’m not a cradle robber, i won’t date anyone under 21) and feel like i’m behind everyone else. Most women who are going to be in similar states are going to have made mistakes like kids out of wedlock or God knows what.

Thats why i think i’m a loser. If I had a long term relationship or two under my belt i’d be more okay with it because then i’d know it could happen again or that it wasn’t for me.

 

[Thorns]

Sorry if I inferred that. You definitely aren’t and no one is if they had to wait. My big thing is that i haven’t really had a relationship and only a series of dates with girls i met online (i’ve only asked out one girl I didn’t meet online and the date was a spectacular failure, granted she was a little off balance herself) and basically as far as dating goes i’m like the equivalent of a 16 year old or probably less. And now that i’m 25 a lot of woman are successful and have jobs and here i am still in school (and I’m not a cradle robber, i won’t date anyone under 21) and feel like i’m behind everyone else. Most women who are going to be in similar states are going to have made mistakes like kids out of wedlock or God knows what.

Thats why i think i’m a loser. If I had a long term relationship or two under my belt i’d be more okay with it because then i’d know it could happen again or that it wasn’t for me.

You should not feel like a loser at all! In some ways, you are very lucky to have the life you have. You have your health, your career to look forward to, friends, hobbiess, success, etc. There are pros and cons to both sides, never forget.

I guess you could have ended up like a lot of people I have known who got married too early, had a kid much too soon, only to end up immersed in great suffering -betrayed, lied to, cheated on, serious crippling depression. Some awesome life right?

These people have serious responsibilities to tend to and a ton of stress that comes with that. They dont really have lives, theyre always worried and stressed out, always caught up in their next paycheck. Thats life for them. Yikes. Meanwhile extent of my worries are about what I’m going to eat for dinner. I feel like Ive already won. And you should too. If you’re.looking for someone.so that you feel validated, thats a bad start. Be independent and happy with yourself first, then you can start.thinking about meeting.someone.

 

[Irishmom2]

Most women who are going to be in similar states are going to have made mistakes like kids out of wedlock or God knows what.

Wow. Saying things like this are certainly not going to endear you to women. I don’t know what you are basing this on, but it is pretty judgemental. You could be rejecting a whole group of women by your unfounded prejudices of what is desirable or acceptable.

I hope that you do not meet anyone that will brush you off as easily because of your lack of dating experience.

 

[WildCatholic]

Wow. Saying things like this are certainly not going to endear you to women. I don’t know what you are basing this on, but it is pretty judgemental. You could be rejecting a whole group of women by your unfounded prejudices of what is desirable or acceptable.

I hope that you do not meet anyone that will brush you off as easily because of your lack of dating experience.

I guess I meant most by meaning those who aren’t really attached to the church. At least in most parishes in my area most women my age if they attend church are married and have a kid by my age. There aren’t really any single women in any nearby parishes. Like I said though i’m in a smaller community.