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Irishmom2
Guest
You do know that there is a whole world of people outside of Nebraska, don’t you? 
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Sunbreak
Guest
Wow, you are so young to give up on marriage. Besides, even when you’re 40 you may find someone to marry who is much younger than you and so your argument won’t apply.
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dixieagle
Guest
I know plenty of wonderful young Catholic women down here who are still single in their late 20s, early 30s. Couples seem to get married later and later, so 25 is nowhere near over the hill.
Finish your degree, move to a bigger city with a sizable Catholic population, and join a Catholic young adults group. And RELAX.
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Edmundus1581
Guest
I thought this was excellent advise, and also very encouraging for the OP…
Your signature also suggests to me that you’ll do quite well with women.
Women love a guy with “a sense of humour”. I used to see other men who could bring the house down with a joke, and noticed the girls flocking to them. I thought that I had to do the same, and because I couldn’t felt that I was at a huge disadvantage. I later discovered that all that is necessary is to not take yourself too seriously and to laugh generously at other people’s jokes (even if your thinking “I wish I’d said that”). It helps if, just occasionally, you can say something genuinely funny - and I suspect you can.
(Emphasis added)
Your signature also suggests to me that you’ll do quite well with women.
Women love a guy with “a sense of humour”. I used to see other men who could bring the house down with a joke, and noticed the girls flocking to them. I thought that I had to do the same, and because I couldn’t felt that I was at a huge disadvantage. I later discovered that all that is necessary is to not take yourself too seriously and to laugh generously at other people’s jokes (even if your thinking “I wish I’d said that”). It helps if, just occasionally, you can say something genuinely funny - and I suspect you can.
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7armyrugrats
Guest
You know, sometimes a single mom isn’t a promiscuous drug addict. Maybe you need to stop being so judgmental. You might become more attractive to good women if you were.
Is a single mom that is widowed with a young child (my sister in law was widowed at 24 with a 3 year old boy), that goes to Mass and follows her faith considered a poor choice for a wife? If so, why? Is it because she has a child? What about a single mom that has returned to the Church and is raising her child in the faith. Once again, why would the fact she has a child be so horrible? Are you only interested in a perfect woman who is a virgin to share your life with? Well, no matter how old or young you are you will have a hard time finding the impossible. No one is perfect. Many are virgins, but all have faults. You may be overlooking some beautiful souls by being so stereotypical.
Then again, you are only 25…
Is a single mom that is widowed with a young child (my sister in law was widowed at 24 with a 3 year old boy), that goes to Mass and follows her faith considered a poor choice for a wife? If so, why? Is it because she has a child? What about a single mom that has returned to the Church and is raising her child in the faith. Once again, why would the fact she has a child be so horrible? Are you only interested in a perfect woman who is a virgin to share your life with? Well, no matter how old or young you are you will have a hard time finding the impossible. No one is perfect. Many are virgins, but all have faults. You may be overlooking some beautiful souls by being so stereotypical.
Then again, you are only 25…
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mommamaree
Guest
Not quite right. I hope you didn’t mean to be so rigid in your stance that NFP is wrong in the situations you mentioned. The Church Herself gives couples more freedom than you outline here. Maternal age and increasing risk of birth defects are both very legitimate reasons for practicing NFP to prevent future pregnancies. You cannot say that using NFP for these reasons is “not ok”, because, in fact, it is okay. And finally, couples that practice NFP are still open to life. That is, when they engage in the marital act, the act itself is still ordered to procreation. The question of what is a serious/just reason is left up to each couple to decide between themselves. ‘40’ might feel very differently to two different mothers. What is good for one might not be good for another, so blanket statements about what is appropriate for whom should be avoided.
God bless.
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Xantippe
Guest
For the older mother, there’s not just the problem of it being there being a higher risk of disabled children. It’s also the case that the risk of miscarriage spikes starting after 40. This chart shows that in the 40-44 group, there’s around a 50% chance of miscarriage.
geneticsandfertility.com/maternal-age-reproduction/
Then there’s the issue of physical wear and tear on the mother–it is medically riskier for her in a variety of different ways in later years. Not that it isn’t worth doing or that lots of healthy and/or happy children aren’t born to older mothers, but it is a much riskier activity.
geneticsandfertility.com/maternal-age-reproduction/
Then there’s the issue of physical wear and tear on the mother–it is medically riskier for her in a variety of different ways in later years. Not that it isn’t worth doing or that lots of healthy and/or happy children aren’t born to older mothers, but it is a much riskier activity.
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holy_face
Guest
It’s not wrong to choose not to marry, in fact Christ encourages us not to as he says marriage is a very difficult path. And I can confirm that it is.
But you are 25, still young, men typically find a hard time in their teens and 20’s finding someone to marry or even date, unless you are one of the top 20% of males, in the “alpha” male category. This is a very common problem!
There was survey done about college students and it showed the top 20% of males attracted 80% of all the women, the rest of the 80% of men are often left ignored. This may not be 100% accurate but it generally reflects what I have seen in my life.
Women generally like alpha type men and that would include someone who had a good career and could show he can provide for a family.
When you get a bit older late 20’s, 30’s, even 40’s your options will open up greatly, I absolutely promise.
In my 30s I had to practically beat women off with sticks, but in my 20s I only got interest from occasional girls looking to “hook up.”
Why will your options open up? Because you will have the interest of both younger women looking for an established male and also women in their 30s who want to have a family due to their biological clock.
Remember men are fertile way longer than women are so as you get older your options remain stable and increase, but women become more desperate to land someone before they can no longer have kids.
In the 2nd group, you have to beware! There might be some good women in there but a lot of these are women who “had their fun” in their 20s being promiscuous and following their career now want to settle down with a “nice guy” to have a family. And a lot of them are girls that now “found God” in their 30s and want to change from their previous behavior and settle down. That is wonderful but it has to be viewed with suspicion as their motive is now to find a “nice guy” to provide her a family, “finding God” could just be an instrument in that.
It is a recipe for disaster because she is settling for you and she is damaged due to her past. In is not uncommon for these women to have slept with 20, 30, even 50 people in that period of time in her youth.
BUT, there could be some gems in their 30s though, women who have been chaste and looking for the right man. You just have be very discerning
Your best bet would be younger girls who are religious and want to find a slightly older guy who is established as man with a decent career. To get these type of girls you are going to have improve yourself, lift weights and get in good shape, dress well, and display confident male behavior, not needy or “Mr. nice guy” stuff, you will have to up your game.
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WildCatholic
Guest
Look i’m sorry that i offended you and i’m sure you’re sister and law is a wonderful woman and in her case she would be a wonderful spouse but how many women are in her situation at a young age? And it’s not the child that’s horrible its that I guess I just want someone more compatible. The virgin thing I could care less about but at the same time I am one too and i’ve even heard on this site that it is hard when one spouse is a virgin and one isn’t. I really don’t mean to be judgmental, part of it is too a lot of single moms don’t really go to church either. That’s the key. Maybe if there was one i’d think about it but as of now there isn’t and I know i’m not strong enough to lead someone into the church (not that i have to do much of the leading).
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holy_face
Guest
I would agree it is wise to avoid a single mom, but if she is widowed, maybe.
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mommamaree
Guest
Thank you for sharing this information. For myself personally, pregnancies have been much harder in my 30s than they were in 20s. Childbirth is more intense now, too. I have had miscarriages in my 30s. I am willing to go through this once or twice more, before I hit 40, because I love my children and it is worth it. But the health risks I will be facing in the near future are nothing to shrug off. My husband and I are in full agreement that NFP will be necessary at that point, regrettably. I think that many people are not aware of these difficulties and dangers, or they may minimize them because they have not yet faced them.
We can still be faithful Catholics, and have a firm intention to prevent pregnancies until menopause, provided we do not contracept. Now couples who marry later and would like to try to have a family may choose to work with specialists to overcome those dangers and risks of miscarriage, and might look at the situation very differently than a couple who have already had a family. However, an older couple who marries is not obliged to seek such help, and infertility/age is not an impediment to marriage. It really depends a lot on the couple and their situation. Some couples meet and marry after menopause has already occurred.
So, I don’t think that the OP should just give up on marriage after some self-imposed deadline has passed. Marriage is still a good and holy thing even if procreation is impossible or becomes unadvisable due to circumstances.
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bsf
Guest
I think some of the comments in this thread concerning women have been uncharitable. I have read many posts in this sub-forum over the last couple years by unmarried women in their late 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and beyond, who are greatly saddened by the fact that they were still unmarried; without prospect at the time of posting; but still felt great desire to be married. Comments like “all the good women will be taken” by age XX are probably like daggers through the hearts of some of them.
The more intently I focus on my problems, failures, and disappointments, the more uncharitable my thoughts, words, and actions towards others become.
I will pray for all those feeling called to marriage, but encountering frustration in answering that call.
The more intently I focus on my problems, failures, and disappointments, the more uncharitable my thoughts, words, and actions towards others become.
I will pray for all those feeling called to marriage, but encountering frustration in answering that call.
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Xantippe
Guest
WildCatholic said:
“Look i’m sorry that i offended you and i’m sure you’re sister and law is a wonderful woman and in her case she would be a wonderful spouse but how many women are in her situation at a young age?”
A neighbor girl from my home town was a widow with twins at around 22. It happens.
mommamaree said:
“For myself personally, pregnancies have been much harder in my 30s than they were in 20s.”
Same here. I’m enjoying our 1-year-old that I had at 37 like crazy, but so many things went wrong that pregnancy that if I were to be pregnant again and had even half of that stuff happen, I’d need to hire a nanny, even as a SAHM. Of course, it’s hard to tell what’s due to being older, and what’s due to having been pregnant several times.
“I am willing to go through this once or twice more, before I hit 40, because I love my children and it is worth it. But the health risks I will be facing in the near future are nothing to shrug off. My husband and I are in full agreement that NFP will be necessary at that point, regrettably. I think that many people are not aware of these difficulties and dangers, or they may minimize them because they have not yet faced them.”
There’s so much happy talk from checkstand magazines about gorgeous 40-something actresses having first babies. (With donor eggs, mostly, but people aren’t aware of that.)
“So, I don’t think that the OP should just give up on marriage after some self-imposed deadline has passed. Marriage is still a good and holy thing even if procreation is impossible or becomes unadvisable due to circumstances.”
Certainly.
“Look i’m sorry that i offended you and i’m sure you’re sister and law is a wonderful woman and in her case she would be a wonderful spouse but how many women are in her situation at a young age?”
A neighbor girl from my home town was a widow with twins at around 22. It happens.
mommamaree said:
“For myself personally, pregnancies have been much harder in my 30s than they were in 20s.”
Same here. I’m enjoying our 1-year-old that I had at 37 like crazy, but so many things went wrong that pregnancy that if I were to be pregnant again and had even half of that stuff happen, I’d need to hire a nanny, even as a SAHM. Of course, it’s hard to tell what’s due to being older, and what’s due to having been pregnant several times.
“I am willing to go through this once or twice more, before I hit 40, because I love my children and it is worth it. But the health risks I will be facing in the near future are nothing to shrug off. My husband and I are in full agreement that NFP will be necessary at that point, regrettably. I think that many people are not aware of these difficulties and dangers, or they may minimize them because they have not yet faced them.”
There’s so much happy talk from checkstand magazines about gorgeous 40-something actresses having first babies. (With donor eggs, mostly, but people aren’t aware of that.)
“So, I don’t think that the OP should just give up on marriage after some self-imposed deadline has passed. Marriage is still a good and holy thing even if procreation is impossible or becomes unadvisable due to circumstances.”
Certainly.
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holy_face
Guest
I made a distinction that there are definitely good women out there that are a bit older, but just that you have to be more discerning because there are a lot of women that are unmarried for a reason, because they chose to live a promiscuous lifestyle in their youth.
They may have a great desire to be married but nobody owes them this, especially due to their past.
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Xantippe
Guest
holy face said:
“I made a distinction that there are definitely good women out there that are a bit older, but just that you have to be more discerning because there are a lot of women that are unmarried for a reason, because they chose to live a promiscuous lifestyle in their youth.”
Doesn’t the exact same concern apply to older, unmarried men? Shouldn’t a younger woman be concerned that an older single guy has got chlamydia, HPV, herpes, and so forth? Chlamydia can destroy female fertility, HPV can kill her, and herpes can blind their baby.
“I made a distinction that there are definitely good women out there that are a bit older, but just that you have to be more discerning because there are a lot of women that are unmarried for a reason, because they chose to live a promiscuous lifestyle in their youth.”
Doesn’t the exact same concern apply to older, unmarried men? Shouldn’t a younger woman be concerned that an older single guy has got chlamydia, HPV, herpes, and so forth? Chlamydia can destroy female fertility, HPV can kill her, and herpes can blind their baby.
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WildCatholic
Guest
Wow i’m sorry I opened up a firestorm. I truly don’t mean to be uncharitable. I guess like Irish Mom said sometimes I don’t see the world outside of my hometown and home state. Even then i’m sure i’m making too many negative assumptions. I don’t mean to say that women who are still single after 25 aren’t any good at all. I guess at times I just feel like there isn’t an abundance of good catholic women out there where I live. It gets tough. I’m sure women feel the same way and probably more so since so many guys now a days are just players who mess around and don’t want to get married. Also i’m sorry if I sound so mean. I guess my online persona is more negative than my real one where I do get complements about being funny and having an attractive personality (by someone with a boyfriend of course:shrug:
) and I guess sometimes I just throw out my darker thoughts here because I don’t really have anyone I can ask.
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mommamaree
Guest
WildCatholic,
You are young, and diplomacy in speech and writing is something that people tend to learn more as they get older. I doubt you had any intentions of offending anyone, and offenses can occur accidentally everyday. Also, the older you become, the more you realize that assumptions are very often wrong. But I do think your questions are good ones to ask, and I hope that the feedback you are getting from some more mature Catholics is helpful. Most people who marry tend to do so in their 20s and 30s, but there is no reason to rule out marriage at an older age. Finally, at a personal level, statistics become rather meaningless. Distributions and bell curves don’t help us find a compatible spouse, but prayer and action do (going to social gatherings, using matchmaking services, etc). God bless!
You are young, and diplomacy in speech and writing is something that people tend to learn more as they get older. I doubt you had any intentions of offending anyone, and offenses can occur accidentally everyday. Also, the older you become, the more you realize that assumptions are very often wrong. But I do think your questions are good ones to ask, and I hope that the feedback you are getting from some more mature Catholics is helpful. Most people who marry tend to do so in their 20s and 30s, but there is no reason to rule out marriage at an older age. Finally, at a personal level, statistics become rather meaningless. Distributions and bell curves don’t help us find a compatible spouse, but prayer and action do (going to social gatherings, using matchmaking services, etc). God bless!
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Lorelei12
Guest
Why can’t you move? Do you live with your parents? If so, I would suggest moving out on your own once you get a degree and find a job. You can move to an area of the country that is more populated, and being able to support yourself might give you some more confidence in all areas of your life.
I am in my early thirties, married over the past few years and now pregnant with our first child. Plenty of other posters, as you have seen, married later than your “ideal”. It sounds like you need to work on yourself a bit more before you’ll be ready to date anyone. You said that you think you aren’t good enough for the women you like- women are not attracted to men who don’t think they’re good enough for them. Work on changing your attitude, and you might find yourself attracting more dates. Your assumption that all the good women are already taken is wrong too- I have several friends my age who would love to be married, but they haven’t found anyone yet either. And these are smart, beautiful, talented women.
You also say you are “tired of waiting”…waiting for what exactly? A woman to drop from the sky? Finding a spouse requires action on your part- taking the steps necessary to meet people, as well as working on becoming a man who would make a good husband. You sound like a nice man who just needs to get himself together a bit. A change in location would probably do you a lot of good.
I am in my early thirties, married over the past few years and now pregnant with our first child. Plenty of other posters, as you have seen, married later than your “ideal”. It sounds like you need to work on yourself a bit more before you’ll be ready to date anyone. You said that you think you aren’t good enough for the women you like- women are not attracted to men who don’t think they’re good enough for them. Work on changing your attitude, and you might find yourself attracting more dates. Your assumption that all the good women are already taken is wrong too- I have several friends my age who would love to be married, but they haven’t found anyone yet either. And these are smart, beautiful, talented women.
You also say you are “tired of waiting”…waiting for what exactly? A woman to drop from the sky? Finding a spouse requires action on your part- taking the steps necessary to meet people, as well as working on becoming a man who would make a good husband. You sound like a nice man who just needs to get himself together a bit. A change in location would probably do you a lot of good.
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Thorns
Guest
Regarding HPV, anyone whos ever had sex likely already has it. Its up to women to have normal checks ups and be responsible for their health. For men, there is no test and no real danger.
There are usually serious reasons why an older woman is unmarried, as holy face said. Women can find a guy very easily and there are all sorts of men willing to settle with almost any woman, so the fact that they havent settled might be a red flag.
The same is not true for a man, as its much harder to even make friends with a woman and just as hard to maintain that friendship. Women reject men for all kinds of superficial reasons, so its not a really a red flag or unusual for a man to be older and single.
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mommamaree
Guest
From the CDC: HPV and Men
cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-and-men.htm
For men, HPV infection is generally not dangerous, as you say. It also normally clears up on its own after about a year or so from time of infection. But, there is no test for HPV status, so if a male becomes infected by one partner and then has sex with another partner during the time of an active HPV infection, he will likely pass it on. And as Xantippe notes, HPV can kill women. Just another reason why chastity and monogamy are crucial for both sexes.
Your second and third paragraphs are problematic however, because you make several uncharitable and untrue assumptions about women. I have been amazed in the last couple of months at the number of statements like this I have seen Catholic men make about women. It is no wonder why so many women who strive to live a holy life and seek out a spouse are left alone with their heartbreak. It appears that Catholic men think women have an expiration date, and that if no one has proposed to her by a certain date, that it must be for good reason, so she is wholly rejected before even being considered. It is NOT easy for faithful Catholics to find spouses in our modern culture. So many people are just walking away from the Church and from Christianity period, that there are a lot of wonderful people of both sexes that will never find a Christian spouse. It is adding insult to injury to condemn them and blame them for something that is entirely outside of their control. I do hope you and the other Catholic men who have made similar statements will rethink the harshness of your statements against unmarried women.
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