Is online dating advisable?

[TraderTif]

So let me put my question like this:

Would you advise your child to go searching for a spouse online?

(I am more concerned about the advisability and not the morality)

Well, when I hit 25 and still hadn’t dated yet, it was my mother who started incessantly pointing out the online Catholic dating sites.

No, really, I probably would advise my children to take every opportunity of meeting people, including online, if they wanted to do so. I would not advise them to go “spouse-hunting” exactly, but I don’t see any problem with meeting different people in different ways.

 

[chevalier]

And how about people with careers or health problems that may prevent them from partaking in lots of “social activities”? This is another problem for me. I have a very limited pool of energy in any given day. It’s much more productive for me to locate interesting friends online, and “narrow down the selection” before spending what little energy I have socializing with them, y’know?

Independent professionals often find and hand in work via the Internet. For those professionals, Internet is basically what CB radio is for drivers, replacing “snail mail” with e-mail, phones with Skype, social bulletins and boards with Internet message boards. It’s no longer a kid’s toy, it’s a communication environment (it’s hard to call it a mere channel) for work. I have principals and customers whom I’ve never met in person and sometimes never even talked on the phone with (which is rarer but happens). If I want to meet people, I have to pay a courtesy visit (which I’m not disinclined from doing but anyway) or get involved in academic activities (I’m doing Ph.D. where I did my Master’s and then the environment doesn’t exclude those who’ve already graduated anyway)… or, well, look for things that are socially minded, which is fine and sometimes great but nearly always taxing. When it comes to singles events etc., I’m disinclined from doing that and I’m wary of parties because I don’t like what’s often made of dance (I’ve always been interested in archaelogy, almost became an archaeologist in fact… suffice to say when dancing moves start to look like a fertility cult, I can see it, and I don’t like it).

All in all, a Catholic or at least a respectable secular dating website is good because it opens a way to meet people whom I, or someone similar to me, wouldn’t meet in real life. It’s basically a source of contacts, where you get to know X exists, X wants to meet people, X has a couple of traits like it says in his profile (plus photo). On the other hand, my preference does go to more natural meeting, such as finding people in the course of life’s struggles whether in real life or on the Internet (e.g. forums, communities, initiatives etc.), rather than purpose-driven mate-seeking. But it feels to me that I’d be irrational (“feels” and “rational”, yup) if I were to skip this avenue just because of it. We’ve got to step outside our comfort zones sometimes and sometimes we find our comfort zone broader as a result. Humanity never would have made any progress if no one had ever stepped out of his comfort zone.

 

[joandarc2008]

Meant my dh online - but an online forum is probably a biased sample.

 

[Rascalking]

Just use common sense, which, sadly, isn’t that common.

Talk to the person for awhile. Meet the person in a public place, keep doing that for awhile until you really trust them.

Why are people so afraid of this?!

 

[rpp]

I have been traveling cross-country by car trying to tag as many national parks as I can. Currently, I am sitting in a hotel room in Arkansas. This is my first real vacation in nearly five years and I am feeling great. I have one more week of driving though this great country. By the time I get back I might forget how to get to work!

Okay. so that is why I have not been posting so much. Now, onto this thread.

I have used several online dating sites. I briefly tried eHarmony but was quite disappointed. I have used four different Catholic singles sites. One was just a failure as it was poorly designed. Another was a mess. The third has, over the years, degenerated into a cesspool where they even let married people join (CatholicMatch.com). The fourth is a wonderful place (AveMariaSingles.com). I have made good friends and meet good people on three of the four sites. I have also met people on this site. Some of these people have become close friends. In the course four years, I have met a total of (pause to think) 9 ladies. Of these, two were, well, a bit off mentally. However, they were “off” in a way that would only show itself on an actual date.

Of course, when meeting someone via an online service, a person must take certain precautions. These precautions would be different in nature than meeting someone at, say, a bar or the grocery store. Or even church.

Essentially, these precautions involve divulging personal information, including email and phone number, slowly, bit by bit.

Certainly, there are bad actors out there, even on ostensibly Catholic sites. However, as long a person allows common sense to rule, they are not likely to find themselves in a bad situation.

 

[rpp]

I have read nice responses so far. However, for me, it’s not a matter of whether online dating is right or wrong. In short this debate started on another thread when I posted this:

Then came the question:

etc.

So let me put my question like this:

Would you advise your child to go searching for a spouse online?

(I am more concerned about the advisability and not the morality)
As to the morality, I have questioned spouse searching under the Moral Theology section: here and I am hoping that people with good knowledge of moral theology would respond.

First, let me say that I think this thread asks a very good an important question. Now to your post…

Referring to the text in bold red:

Yes, I would not have a problem with my son meeting a lady via the internet as long as he uses the reasonable precautions that I have taught him. In fact, I have discussed online dating with my spiritual director before I even started doing this several years ago, She (she is a nun) knows several couples who have met via the internet and married. She helped me refine what reasonable precautions to take.

I will add that I know many people, including several women, who has been doing th Catholic Dating Site thing much longer than I have and these ladies have never had a problem (except incompatibility).
I have also talked about this with my priest/fconfessor. He also sees no problem with it as long as reasonable precautions are taken.

As for your link and regarding searching for a spouse, I would direct you to the book, The Exclamation: The Wise Choice for a Catholic Spouse by Patricia Wrona. That is an excellent book.

 

[Joseph629]

Would you advise your child to go searching for a spouse online?

Absolutely. As I said in a previous post, I know of many people now married (faithfully Catholic) as a result of 'Catholic Singles Sites".

However, my daughters have such an extensive Catholic connection base that I don’t think that they would ever need to use an online site. But, I can see that if a young person (usually female) lives in a small rural town and there are almost no Cathoic guys around, then she (or he) could make very good use of Catholic online sites.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

The reasons why I think online dating isn’t advisable are:

• online dating with the aim of searching for a spouse is something I believe singles should not be doing. People generally don’t search for friends per se and I believe friendship should precede good relationships that should lead to marriage.
• it might decrease social skills (like face-to-face communication).
• it hides personal faults. You choose what information you disclose and what pictures you share.
• it hides physical appearance and body language
• attitude, manners and behaviour are all hidden
• people are one thing online and another thing in reality

Some of my views + those of Jason Evert (Catholic apologist)

I think your premise is wrong, or at least slightly off.

If you mean marrying someone you have had online-only communication with, then yes, it is inadvisable. Many people, myself included, try to move off of online forms of communication as soon as possible for this reason.

Many people use online dating sites to meet local singles, to possibly meet people they would not normally meet.

 

[TraderTif]

But, I can see that if a young person (usually female) lives in a small rural town and there are almost no Cathoic guys around, then she (or he) could make very good use of Catholic online sites.

From your mouth to God’s ears, lol.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

First, let me say that I think this thread asks a very good an important question. Now to your post…

Referring to the text in bold red:

Yes, I would not have a problem with my son meeting a lady via the internet as long as he uses the reasonable precautions that I have taught him. In fact, I have discussed online dating with my spiritual director before I even started doing this several years ago, She (she is a nun) knows several couples who have met via the internet and married. She helped me refine what reasonable precautions to take.

I will add that I know many people, including several women, who has been doing th Catholic Dating Site thing much longer than I have and these ladies have never had a problem (except incompatibility).
I have also talked about this with my priest/fconfessor. He also sees no problem with it as long as reasonable precautions are taken.

As for your link and regarding searching for a spouse, I would direct you to the book, The Exclamation: The Wise Choice for a Catholic Spouse by Patricia Wrona. That is an excellent book.

Wise post, rpp.

I think if one uses common sense (i.e. you should move off of online-only communication and actually meet up) and take reasonable precautions (i.e. meet in a public place until you are comfortable with each other).

I would also like to see the full context that Jason Everett is saying online dating is bad.

People join websites all the time, so that they can share common interests or goals. If online dating is so bad, can the same logic be applied to CAF, job listing sites, etc.? Is a single and looking site all that bad?

 

[CountrySinger]

Absolutely. As I said in a previous post, I know of many people now married (faithfully Catholic) as a result of 'Catholic Singles Sites".

However, my daughters have such an extensive Catholic connection base that I don’t think that they would ever need to use an online site. But, I can see that if a young person (usually female) lives in a small rural town and there are almost no Cathoic guys around, then she (or he) could make very good use of Catholic online sites.

You don’t have to be in a rural town to have no Catholic men around. But I can’t complain anymore (what will I do now?)… giddy with happiness :bounce::bounce::bounce:

So I voted yes!

 

[Sarah25]

I don’t see a problem with online dating, as long as it’s used as a catalyst. By that I mean, like other posters before me, a starting point to meeting in person. I met my boyfriend on CatholicMatch.com, and I think we traded emails for about a week and a half before we talked on the phone. Then another week before we met in person.

This was beneficial to me for two reasons:

1. Catholics around my area are pretty thin, especially ones that really adhere to the magisterium. The “do you agree with these church teachings” area on CatholicMatch was helpful in weeding out the cafeteria types. And you would be suprised the number of “Catholics” on this Catholic site that disagree with the Church teachings Especially the contraception/pre-marital sex teaching.
2. I am REALLY shy. Perhaps I might’ve “met” my boyfriend in a real life situation, but the chances of me striking up a conversation would’ve been a hair short of NIL. I tend to panic when people try and start conversations with me, so being able to get past the initial uncomfortableness through email and get into a bit of a dialogue before actually meeting him helped.

Now as for wording it “Spouse searching”… well you kinda hope the people you decide to date and continue dating will end up as a spouse. But I would hope most people aren’t using the online sites to find someone who matches a checklist and then marrying the person without any other discernment. Of course, that may be what some people do.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I don’t see a problem with online dating, as long as it’s used as a catalyst. By that I mean, like other posters before me, a starting point to meeting in person. I met my boyfriend on CatholicMatch.com, and I think we traded emails for about a week and a half before we talked on the phone. Then another week before we met in person.

This was beneficial to me for two reasons:

1. Catholics around my area are pretty thin, especially ones that really adhere to the magisterium. The “do you agree with these church teachings” area on CatholicMatch was helpful in weeding out the cafeteria types. And you would be suprised the number of “Catholics” on this Catholic site that disagree with the Church teachings Especially the contraception/pre-marital sex teaching.
2. I am REALLY shy. Perhaps I might’ve “met” my boyfriend in a real life situation, but the chances of me striking up a conversation would’ve been a hair short of NIL. I tend to panic when people try and start conversations with me, so being able to get past the initial uncomfortableness through email and get into a bit of a dialogue before actually meeting him helped.

Now as for wording it “Spouse searching”… well you kinda hope the people you decide to date and continue dating will end up as a spouse. But I would hope most people aren’t using the online sites to find someone who matches a checklist and then marrying the person without any other discernment. Of course, that may be what some people do.

 

[chypmonk]

I didn’t answer the poll because I think it isn’t worded well.

Online dating can be great, IF it is done well. There are pros and cons of both ways, but the cons of online dating can be mostly eliminated by simple choices. It is a relatively new arena therefore it has this “taboo” attached to it that is unfortunate. I find it actually a more sensible and “romantic” way than by a chance meeting.

When one is serious about finding their spouse for their vocation, doesn’t it make sense that they have filters on the people that could be considered for it? That can happen through friends, sure, but then there are lots of hurt feelings if it doesn’t work out that go both ways with the friendships. There’s a multitude of other “cons” of meeting in person wihtout a filter has that are non-existent with online dating.

First, assuming that we are talking about Catholic spouse seeking…

When I first meet someone at church, I have no idea where they stand on moral issues. I don’t have a desire to enter into a relationship with someone, even for a short period and invest time and feelings only to find out they are not in agreement on moral issues.

I realize that people online might lie, not represent themselves accurately, etc…but so can someone in person. However, understanding there is caution, one can go forward with:

Online dating pros: Filter. Answers about their beliefs are there in their profile. It is a catalyst for conversations to find out exactly how in depth these beliefs are held, and those can happen right away as they are already answered somewhat.

–It’s merely an avenue for introduction. There are so many Catholics in my city that I haven’t met or know anyone that knows them. But this is all it is…a way to shake hands. Talk as soon as possible, meet as soon as possible. People did shake hands and meet before typing lots of little messages to each other first. The last several dates I have had with locals are one email, one brief chat, one phone conversation, meet at a public place. One lasted 5 months, and it didnt’ work out because of reasons that are common, not because it was “online meeting”.

-Fr. Corapi said that if he were called to marriage, he would search the world to find his spouse as that is who will get him to heaven. Long distance, although more irritating and has more sacrifices, can and do work when there is an end in sight. Especially in this day with skype, free long distance, and technology to keep communication speedy.

Cautions of online dating: keeping on the typing/telephone too long without meeting first. One fills the imagination with the blanks very easily. This issue is eliminated by meeting early on.

I believe that online dating may become the preferred method of meeting a spouse as it shows care and high standards for choosing a spouse, rather than just to chance.

I really liked your analysis. I agree with everything but I have never tried online dating. But in my BC days I would meet girls in a bar or disco not the best place to meet the perfect person or at work were it got awkward when things didn’t work out.
In days gone by my parents and Grand parents had more possibility of a successful match up through friends and Church meetings because the world view of their time was pretty much the same. Just look at safety, a person in the 1950’s or 60’s would thumb around the country not fearing to end up in a meat grinder. If you met a Catholic in those days they pretty much agreed on everything. Now days even if you meet a Catholic you have NO idea what they think! (I just joined the Knights of Columbus and was in an informal conversation at the last meeting I found out a few of the members didn’t believe anyone goes to hell!)

Online looks promising but as it was said above it should have the goal of getting married.And don’t stay too long in the fantasy relationship ( email…) just a few precautionary introductions ( see above) and then see how it goes face to face.

One problem my friend said to me was that all the girls on online sevies are out of state. It is almost impossible to meet a local person.

I think a Catholic should be dating only to marry and if the man doesn’t have a good career/job then dating should be not even considered or started until he can provide for a family.

 

[Sierrah]

Is online dating advisable?

You could give reasons for or against (online dating) and maybe personal experience in brief.

I’d say for me it was a waste of time. Others seem to have more luck though. I guess it all depends on how you want to spend your time. If you do try it I’d advise a catholic site such as catholicmatch.com, avemariasingles.com or catholicsingles.com. Even with those sites you may run into the same type of people but the conservative rate will be a little stronger. Good luck.

 

[kelvinf]

Wise post, rpp.

I think if one uses common sense (i.e. you should move off of online-only communication and actually meet up) and take reasonable precautions (i.e. meet in a public place until you are comfortable with each other).

I would also like to see the full context that Jason Everett is saying online dating is bad.

People join websites all the time, so that they can share common interests or goals. If online dating is so bad, can the same logic be applied to CAF, job listing sites, etc.? Is a single and looking site all that bad?

Please note that it’s not a matter of right or wrong (bad). I am interested in the advisability and people’s opinions. There are things in life which are not recommendable although not bad.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

My best friend married a girl he met on line. Really beautiful girl. Gorgeous, in fact.

Turned out she had slightly more children than she told him about.

By the time he was finished, he had totally trashed about ten years of his life.

She went through about $300,000 of his money, made him sell a house he loved, sold all his precious archived photos and research project reports at rummage sales, got an order of protection against him which ruined his reputation, and a lot more horror stories, and the judge issued a divorce decree that went on for pages. The judge actually wrote: “What were you thinking” addressed to him. My friend complained about the financial settlement and I told him the judge let him get away cheap. His lawyer dangled a flat one-time payout in front of her instead of annual payments: another $100,000.

So, don’t do it.

If you do do it, then hire a very good matrimonial detective to find out if she is who she says she is. Before you get serious.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

My best friend married a girl he met on line. Really beautiful girl. Gorgeous, in fact.

Turned out she had slightly more children than she told him about.

By the time he was finished, he had totally trashed about ten years of his life.

She went through about $300,000 of his money, made him sell a house he loved, sold all his precious archived photos and research project reports at rummage sales, got an order of protection against him which ruined his reputation, and a lot more horror stories, and the judge issued a divorce decree that went on for pages. The judge actually wrote: “What were you thinking” addressed to him. My friend complained about the financial settlement and I told him the judge let him get away cheap. His lawyer dangled a flat one-time payout in front of her instead of annual payments: another $100,000.

So, don’t do it.

If you do do it, then hire a very good matrimonial detective to find out if she is who she says she is. Before you get serious.

Hey Monte RCMS,

Two questions:

Was this intially a long distance relationship/online thing? (this may be he problem)

Is this really any different than meeting someone in real life?

 

[Joseph629]

My best friend married a girl he met on line. Really beautiful girl. Gorgeous, in fact.

Turned out she had slightly more children than she told him about.
By the time he was finished, he had totally trashed about ten years of his life.
She went through about $300,000 of his money, made him sell a house he loved, sold all his precious archived photos and research project reports at rummage sales, got an order of protection against him which ruined his reputation, and a lot more horror stories, and the judge issued a divorce decree that went on for pages. The judge actually wrote: “What were you thinking” addressed to him. My friend complained about the financial settlement and I told him the judge let him get away cheap. His lawyer dangled a flat one-time payout in front of her instead of annual payments: another $100,000.

So, don’t do it.

If you do do it, then hire a very good matrimonial detective to find out if she is who she says she is. Before you get serious.

Just because you had a friend that allowed a pretty face to take advantage of him, is hardly an excuse to totally paint online dating as negative. If you’ve read all the posts here, (including mine), you will see that there are success stories.

A few years ago I put my trust in a fellow Catholic parishioner, who in the end took advantage of me in business. It was very painful for me and my family. If I used *your *argument, I would stop going to church, and wouldn’t trust another Catholic ever again. I’m sorry for your friend, but you can’t blame the Catholic online sites for he letting her get away with so much over a ten year period.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Please note that it’s not a matter of right or wrong (bad). I am interested in the advisability and people’s opinions. There are things in life which are not recommendable although not bad.

How is this not recommendable, especially if you are looking locally? And if one sets up some common sense ground rules beforehand?

I don’t think you 've convinced people that it is not - that is where I’m comming from…