M
Melchior
Guest
Hi Bellamarie,
I can tell you that Johnny has above average intelligence, is a sweet kid and a good student, who does very well in school. He is, among the group of boys in the family being raised the same way. He is a really good little guy otherwise. Honestly, all he lacks is discipline. He hears and responds fine, but there is no respect for his parents instruction because there are no consequences. He gets a talking to, he listens and then does what he likes and the clear reason in his case is that he has no concept of discipline or consequences (that are meaningful to a child his age). That does not discount your point about learning disabled children, I know they exist. He is clearly not one of them. I think we need to distiguish between education and discipline. Those who teach must be respected for their teaching to be useful. He is very much spoken to as you said, at his level. The problem is, as you rightfully point out, is that his parents and grandparents do not watch him and his siblings close enough at all. My wife and I nearly lose our minds at family events with worry for these kids. Believe me, we watch our children like hawks - and engage them they way you recommend. But no matter how vigilant parents are (and we are) no situation can be 100% baby proofed.
I mentioned the child running into the street as an example that really happened to a friend. They have 4 children, 3 girls and the youngest is a boy. Well needless to say they found out 2 year old boys can be very different that girls. One day the four of them were in the front yard and all standing close together, when the neighbor called over to the mom, she responded and said a brief hello and looked down a few seconds later and saw Johnny (yup another Johnny) was running into the street, a busy main road. Thank God the car he jumped in front of had the time to slam on the breaks. But she called me and said it was the most horrifying moment of her life. She never had anything like that happen with the girls, and she is a really good mom, but she literally just looked up long enough to wave and say hi. It can happen to the best of parents. I am not saying that necessarily constitutes a spanking - it is an extreme example. In that situation, I would not have spanked, unless it was a clear defiance issue - which it wasn’t. In fact other than a genuine danger where a mild tap can help (that requires discernment and one size does not fit every situation) it is only clear persistent defiance that warrants a spanking in my house. There is always a clear warning of the consequences. Thankfully, this type of discipline is quite rare in my house. The lesson is usually not forgotten and that is one reason it is so useful. Obviously, I would prefer to never have to use this form of discipline, but I respectfully believe that it is the only proper way to deal with defiance in a very specific age group. The idea is that a threat of discipline is all that will ever be needed because your child knows your words are not empty. In fact I cannot even remember the last time I had to spank my 7 year old and feel pretty confident that she is beyond the point of ever needing one. I know of no other threat of consequences that actually causes a 4 year old to respond with respect.
Of course we disagree on what constitutes the best way to discipline a child in certain circumstances, but I do appreciate your respectful dialogue.
Mel
I have three granddaughters and the 5 yr old is a strong willed little girl from birth and her Mom does not nurture to her personality. I dread those teen years. I have NO problems with her when I day care her because first I demand respect, keep her occupied, praise her positive behavior and give firm talks and time outs for any negative behavior. She begs to come to my house and never wants to leave when Mom comes to pick up. But then don’t all grandchildren do that?? 
