Is something wrong with me...?

[Epistemes]

I am not attacking I am simply telling you how it can come off when a nameless faceless person does this kind of thing after only meeting you on the internet. I perceive that you are very sensitive to other peoples comments both negative and positive while still asking for (name removed by moderator)ut. Why?

Because I’m reminded again and again of why I’ve been single for so many years, that I’m approaching things all wrong, that I’m socially inept, that I should be regarded suspiciously, that I’m foolish for carrying the one, that I’m far from ideal for anyone to date, even a woman in a vegetative state, etc., etc. In the minds of many contributors here, everything about me and this girl was doomed from the initial “Hello” and it only gets worse as we proceed – and yet, for all her typos, all her bad grammar, all her short simple responses, she makes me smile.

 

[novaslasher]

Because I’m reminded again and again of why I’ve been single for so many years, that I’m approaching things all wrong, that I’m socially inept, that I should be regarded suspiciously, that I’m foolish for carrying the one, that I’m far from ideal for anyone to date, even a woman in a vegetative state, etc., etc. In the minds of many contributors here, everything about me and this girl was doomed from the initial “Hello” and it only gets worse as we proceed – and yet, for all her typos, all her bad grammar, all her short simple responses, she makes me smile.

Epistemes, I think you are taking things too seriously. I’ve been jumped on by members of CAF before. Not because they are vindictive or because they are so keenly insightful they can analyze all my motivations and faults to a T, but because it is very hard to know a person and their situation and give good and fitting advice over the web.

As far as the girl is concerned, I think you have to try to relax a little and view internet dating sites as just a forum for meeting new people. It’s far better to meet soon after initial contact then to wonder who the person is and analyze all their IM conversations to the last detail. Obviously if the person is far away and you can’t meet easily, then you have to take more time talking over IM and on the phone before meeting. If the person creeps you out or seems “off” then don’t feel bad about moving on to the next person and sending a polite e-mail letting them know you want to move on. You aren’t committed to anyone until you start dating exclusively. Anyways, I hope you feel better and have success on the dating site. I met my faith filled girlfriend of 3 years on Ave Maria Singles. I’m painfully shy too, and she was my first real success. When it’s the right person, it’s amazing what you can do.

 

[dulcissima]

Your point being which, now? People with learning disabilities are not necessarily less fit to be parents, and not necessarily less intelligent.

Aspergers should give someone pause. I have a couple of friends who have multiple children with autism. As parents, it’s a daunting task and one that you shouldn’t go into without serious consideration.

In the OP’s case, if he is already feeling uncertain and then has reason to believe she may have a serious issue, then it is reason to not brush aside or forgive everything that is giving him doubts.

Dating is a good time to be highly selective.

 

[joandarc2008]

Because I’m reminded again and again of why I’ve been single for so many years, that I’m approaching things all wrong, that I’m socially inept, that I should be regarded suspiciously, that I’m foolish for carrying the one, that I’m far from ideal for anyone to date, even a woman in a vegetative state, etc., etc. In the minds of many contributors here, everything about me and this girl was doomed from the initial “Hello” and it only gets worse as we proceed – and yet, for all her typos, all her bad grammar, all her short simple responses, she makes me smile.

1st let me say that I don’t think the problem is that something is “wrong” with you. I think the problem is that you think something is “wrong” with you and almost from the start you have set out to self-sabotage this. Remember that it says the two become one. It doesn’t say that two halves become a whole. That means in order to have something meaningful we must in ourselves be fairly healthy and whole sprititually and emotionally. We cannot give what we don’t have. How can we someone when we cannot even truly love ourselves? I do not say this to put you down - I only say this out of my love for you as a sister in Christ to a brother in Christ from what I have observed on a couple of threads. Remember we are all God’s creations and to put ourselves down (not to take inventory but to continually over criticize) is to question his judgement in making us. Kind of puts a different slant on it, doesn’t it? :hug1:

 

[dulcissima]

Because I’m reminded again and again of why I’ve been single for so many years, that I’m approaching things all wrong, that I’m socially inept, that I should be regarded suspiciously, that I’m foolish for carrying the one, that I’m far from ideal for anyone to date, even a woman in a vegetative state, etc., etc. In the minds of many contributors here, everything about me and this girl was doomed from the initial “Hello” and it only gets worse as we proceed – and yet, for all her typos, all her bad grammar, all her short simple responses, she makes me smile.

Good grief. Just go out and have some fun, with her or with someone else. Asking someone on a date is not a life time commitment. And from the sounds of things, you do need to spend more time forgetting yourself and more time smiling. You can have fun and keep your head on straight. It is possible.

 

[chevalier]

People with learning disabilities are not necessarily less fit to be parents, and not necessarily less intelligent.

That is so true. I remember a could-have-been of mine. She was very bright and imaginative and in no way slow. In fact, there did seem to be a spark around her, maybe not of genius, but the pre-genius kind of thing (yeah, there is a classification like that).

 

[ack]

Epistemes, if it makes you feel any better, I am the exact same way about research. I like to know. I totally researched my boyfriend before we went on our first date. He was surprised by all I had been able to learn, but not upset when I later told him about it.

I’m a guy, and I experienced this from a woman that I dated. Before we met in “real life”, she researched me on the internet and read about some of the academic work that I was doing. I was not particularly bothered by this.

You may be falling into the trap of thinking that all women are alike, and that if you behave in a certain way, you will please any of them. Women are individuals with their own preferences and desires, and you will find that some women will appreciate that you do certain things, while other women will hate those very actions.

This becomes a particular problem when asking for advice on CAF. If you read enough “advice” threads, you will find that for most things, some women will insist that you MUST go about things in a certain way, while others will insist that you MUST NOT do what the other women advised.

(The most obvious example is the perpetual debate over if it’s better to befriend a woman before romantically dating her. Some women are “creeped out” if a man who isn’t a friend expresses romantic interest, while other women say that the man is “wasting her time” or being too “timid” if he hangs out with her without expressing his true interest.)

My point is that, in this situation, all you know is that joandarc2008 found your behavior to be creepy. Now you have one woman’s perspective, but that doesn’t mean that the girl would view your actions the same way (especially considering that some girls would have done the exact kind of research that you did.) Remember, the opinion that really matters comes from girl that you’re interested in!

 

[joandarc2008]

I’m a guy, and I experienced this from a woman that I dated. Before we met in “real life”, she researched me on the internet and read about some of the academic work that I was doing. I was not particularly bothered by this.

You may be falling into the trap of thinking that all women are alike, and that if you behave in a certain way, you will please any of them. Women are individuals with their own preferences and desires, and you will find that some women will appreciate that you do certain things, while other women will hate those very actions.

This becomes a particular problem when asking for advice on CAF. If you read enough “advice” threads, you will find that for most things, some women will insist that you MUST go about things in a certain way, while others will insist that you MUST NOT do what the other women advised.

(The most obvious example is the perpetual debate over if it’s better to befriend a woman before romantically dating her. Some women are “creeped out” if a man who isn’t a friend expresses romantic interest, while other women say that the man is “wasting her time” or being too “timid” if he hangs out with her without expressing his true interest.)

My point is that, in this situation, all you know is that joandarc2008 found your behavior to be creepy. Now you have one woman’s perspective, but that doesn’t mean that the girl would view your actions the same way (especially considering that some girls would have done the exact kind of research that you did.) Remember, the opinion that really matters comes from girl that you’re interested in!

Ack you bring up very good points - and I in no way want to offend our friend. I just want to point out how it could be taken. I come from a side of life where personal privacy and boundaries are very important - someone who is open may not find that behavior so - lets say - off putting.

 

[flyingfish]

I’m forced to make a decision now, though, and **now **is the time because I know that I don’t want her to be hurt. If nothing else, we remain friends, which is what I think she needs (and I need) ahead of a boyfriend (or girlfriend, in my case). Whatever decision I make regarding us, maybe it will be the worst decision of my life, and I can’t say that I don’t care because I do, but sitting here right now thinking about her and thinking about me I don’t how I could live with myself if I ceased all contact because I felt a little fear of the unknown. All human relationships face the dangers that she and I now face, and the only thing that can help us (good or bad) is God.

You are getting so far ahead of yourself in my opinion. A person is not going to “fall in love” or become attached to the point of possibly being hurt after a few online conversations.

What even makes you think that you’re not just one of many guys she is talking to in exactly the same way?

This is just someone you met online a few days ago. I am not saying that you should stop or continue contact. I am saying that you are taking this way too seriously.

Have you messaged the young lady from your church by the way?

(I would also suggest to you that if you don’t hide this aspect of yourself from women, you will scare them away. You come across as too serious, too intense, and you put way too much significance on a few online conversations.)

 

[Epistemes]

I guess there’s a very big glaring reason why I’m single and should remain so.

 

[joandarc2008]

I guess there’s a very big glaring reason why I’m single and should remain so.

It does seem to me that you started the thread very optimistic and then went to self defeatist - there has been some very black and white thinking. Are there ever times in your life where this is gray area or is it always black and white?

 

[Epistemes]

It does seem to me that you started the thread very optimistic and then went to self defeatist - there has been some very black and white thinking. Are there ever times in your life where this is gray area or is it always black and white?

If I’ve become a self-defeatist then it’s as a result of the critical interrogations which I must respond to here, interrogations spirited in attempting to isolate me as somehow unfit for social interaction and intimacy. The very manner of your question is very demeaning in itself. I know who I am and where my strengths and weaknesses lie, but, again, how can one not seem to be a defeatist when their nose is pressed against only the weaknesses?

The gray area is for me and her to get to know one another better and to take it slow and to have fun doing it, which is what we both want to do and what I’ve already said many times during the course of this thread, even today. Perhaps I’ve crossed that line in things I’ve said, but I’m trying *really *hard to gain perspective because of my own unique social situation and yet for all my attempts and all my questions and all my concerns I’ve received nothing but personal criticism after personal criticism which cannot *but *have the effect of making a self-defeatist out of *anyone *dealing with and trying to understand what I’m dealing with and trying to understand with *my *faculties. Currently I’m frustrated because not only am I having to endure insults and demeaning questions as I sort through good advice, but I can’t put that good advice into practice just yet because a.) she isn’t ready to, and b.) I’ll be travelling for business for two weeks. So, needless to say, there may be at least two more weeks of online conversations with her - and I’m not happy about it because I don’t like “the online factor” because, as is evident by this very thread, people misinterpet and misunderstand one another.

 

[kedera]

You sound like you need a nanny pat! (that is like when I would cry when i was little and my grandmother would hug me and pat on the back me offering consolation) I’ll keep this short, there is nothing wrong with you, you are recognizing her loneliness and relating it to your own desire to have a meaningful connection with someone else. You are definitely a romantic soul. Be careful, this can make even the strongest men vulnerable to choosing the wrong mate because of a tendency to over-romanticize those interested in you for fear of not finding “the one.” I have done this, so have probably half the people on this site at one time or another. Fear not, when you are ready in all of the ways you need to be, it will happen. For me, I had resolved myself to the fact that might never marry and just prayed, then BOOM, I reconnected with an old friend I had not seen in years, BOOM we gettin hitched! Truth be told, just pray for guidance! God wants you to be happy and he knows whats best for you. If you desire his will for you, and seek that out, you will be happy. Anyone can get married, but a good marriage has to have a good foundation. God bless you, just trust that God will take care of you!

 

[flyingfish]

I’ve received nothing but personal criticism after personal criticism which cannot *but *have the effect of making a self-defeatist out of *anyone *dealing with and trying to understand what I’m dealing with and trying to understand with *my *faculties. Currently I’m frustrated because not only am I having to endure insults and demeaning questions as I sort through good advice, but I can’t put that good advice into practice just yet because a.) she isn’t ready to, and b.) I’ll be travelling for business for two weeks. So, needless to say, there may be at least two more weeks of online conversations with her - and I’m not happy about it because I don’t like “the online factor” because, as is evident by this very thread, people misinterpet and misunderstand one another.

I’m sorry if you were hurt by my comments, I really didn’t intend it that way.

I didn’t mean to say there was anything wrong with you, but was just talking about my understanding of human psychology, and most people would be put off by too much intensity too soon and too fast (like you yourself were put off by the woman maybe joking/maybe not about you being her Prince Charming).

I tend to be intense at times, but I don’t express it because I know it can put people off.

 

[Chovy]

Epistemes,

I never read your other thread but I think this whole new friendship sounds quite exciting. I come from a background that would have encouraged me to learn as much about my new friend as possible also, and frankly, I don’t find anything unusual whatsoever about you looking up her academy. If she told you or posted the information, it was provided to you. It’s not as though you called schools in the area she lived to find out where she graduated from. That would have been an invasion of privacy.

I’m married now, but when I was dating I used to fall hard and fast as soon as I met a potential mate. I went from “ooh he’s cute” to “What sort of china will I pick for my registry” before going to the movies with him. Most of my girlfriends were wiser than me when dating their boyfriends, but I am who I am. I analyzed every word that was said, written, or emailed, and subjected all of my friends to my analysis. So I TOTALLY get where you are coming from.

At this point, she sounds interested in you and you sound interested in her. This is a good thing! It’s too soon to know much more than that other than it’s going to be a very fun time for you for a while. Keep us posted so those of us who no longer get to enjoy all of these things can live vicariously through you. Hang in there. The right one is out there for you.

 

[Epistemes]

I would just like to announce that we chatted online last night and decided to exchange phone numbers, so at a certain point when either our internets or the website was malfunctioning I decided to call her and we talked until past midnight. So, it’s nice that things have moved in a direction closer to reality.

 

[chevalier]

Your going on a business trip has a good chance of being beneficial. Some distraction is needed lest you fall into an obsession. You don’t want to have an obsession or develop a co-dependent reliationship, you want to be sure that your reason and your will are participating in your process of choosing.

Sometimes we are reluctant to allow ourselves to take a little break precisely because we are afraid the feeling would go. But if the feeling would go after a couple of days of separation, then how is it ever going to be sustained in a lifelong marriage, except for supernatural means (and we get those, but we can still feel the effects of our poor choices). Both you and the girl are against rushing, at least on an intellectual level, so make sure the emotional level doesn’t take over too much. I don’t mean making yourself numb emotionally, by far, but just don’t be ruled by emotions.

Getting some perspective will allow you some clearer evaluation (initial) of whether you will (would) be able to share the person’s company day after day until one of you parts with this world.

 

[Epistemes]

Your going on a business trip has a good chance of being beneficial. Some distraction is needed lest you fall into an obsession. You don’t want to have an obsession or develop a co-dependent reliationship, you want to be sure that your reason and your will are participating in your process of choosing.

Thanks for the advice, chev. I will try to take it to heart, however I do suspect that she I will talk while I’m gone now that we’ve traded phone numbers - though I agree that some period of separation may be essential to figuring things out in proper perspective.

I’m really trying not to let reason or emotion rule me right now, which can be hard for me. I’m trying harder to just enjoy her conversation for what it is and see where it all comes to.

 

[chevalier]

Well, emotions are there for a reason. They aren’t a disease. They have a place and at times a more important one than at some other times. Just as long as one doesn’t make what we colloquially refer to as stupid decisions.

Talking on the phone will bring some reality in the form of a voice. Not talking on the phone after trading numbers would be quite unnatural anyway.

If I may offer advice from my own experience, sometimes it might be better to have a ripe and concise conversation instead of allowing silence to linger or trying to think about something to say (in other words not delaying the moment the conversation ends).

 

[TraderTif]

Talking on the phone will bring some reality in the form of a voice. Not talking on the phone after trading numbers would be quite unnatural anyway.

Of course, there are always exceptions. Say…you have a severe phone-phobia?

No, seriously, this is the situation I find myself in. Fear is a terrible thing.