Is the silent treatment acceptable? (Womanly opinions welcome...I can't really read women's minds)

[Belgarion]

Ok, many of you are familiar with my “Case”…(If you aren’t, it takes to long to write…Look here and here
I’d like to add another tier to it. LOL, but let’s not get all bent out of shape on THIS thread…LOL
…yet…

Anyways, Its been two years now. Cool.

And lately, the wall has been pushing back, actually. Instead of no progress, I’m back-pedaling.

You see, I talked to her dad a while back (The second time) and this may or may not have been mentioned before, but I stopped talking to the young woman for a few weeks. Her dad had given me permission to go over to their house more often, and do things like watch movies with them, but a week or so later, he takes it back. Because “She” felt that “she” wasn’t ready. Blah blah.

And so I just stopped talking to her. AKA, gave her the silent treatment. she either DOESN’T or is not ALLOWED to just find me and talk to me. So the silent treatment was as easy as not sitting down to talk to her. I continued ntil I couldn’t bear to see her miserable as she was. (She was indeed) and I started talking to her again.

Immediately afterwards, she seemed to talk to me more, and was a little more open with me (not about her feelings, but about other stuff) SHE even hugged ME once!! Everything was great!..for a while…

You see, recently, she went to Los Angeles on for a conference. When she came back, I was so happy to see her, I just surprised her with a hug and said “I missed you”. A friend of mine said she just “Lit up immediately” she was so happy. (Remember that fact)

Well, ever since then…I have’t hugged her. Its like she LITERALLY avoids it. once she even hid behind her sister! Another time, I said “Ok! Get up! Birthday hug!” and she “politely” declined.
I’m horrible at reading into things. And by horrible, I mean I do it a lot, and it depresses me. But the reason why it depresses me is that I’m usually right.

And so the gears in my head began to turn. And I realized that her father must have told her “no more hugs” likely because of that one hug when she came back from L.A.
I felt hurt, again. And I feel like I will never be as important to her as she is to me.

I mean SERIOUSLY!! A hug!?!?
And she’s going along with it.
There’s no finding time to talk alone about it quickly. No “Hey Ryan, I know my dad is doing this…but don’t worry.”
NOTHING!!
And this girl really is amazing and if it weren’t for this, I’d say that I’m totally and completely head-over-heels in love with her.

So after feeling like I was DEFINITELY going to give up, I slept on it and decided to send another message lke the last time.
I stopped talking to her.
I went to choir practice and didn’t even look at her.
I went to Mass today and immediately went to sit with my family, and did not speak a word to her, or her sisters.
they are obviously getting the idea, and i really want that…but I don’t know what to do from here. Is what I am doing OK? Am I doing it right, or wrong? Or whatever? LOL

I mean…I could do plenty…but many problems come to mind…

Help?
I’ve lost so much sleep these past years and I just want to find out a way to fix this NOW.
I feel like even if I got her on my side, what could I do? I don’t have a good enough job to support a family, and I feel totally helpless.

One word to describe how I feel nearly every day: Depressed

 

[Trishie]

I might come back to this later, but you’re doing the same things she is, acting hot and cold. Quite honestly I’d really back away from someone who acted like that (on either side). I wouldn’t see much potential for happiness on either side as both seem to use manipulation. I’d really be scared off a man who treated me like that. For whatever reason she isn’t acting better, but you are both quite young?

 

[sanctamaria17]

You and she need to have a talk. A long one.

Silent treatment is not acceptable. I’ll admit to doing it, but either because I’m so mad I don’t want to talk or because I want to keep my temper in check and am afraid of doing something I regret. If it’s the latter, I usually say, “I’m too angry to talk to you right now. I’ll talk to you when I cool off.” But at least give a hint.

 

[chevalier]

Silent treatment is passive aggressive behaviour. But I would see this example like a war. It is not acceptable to run up to people and spike them with your knife because you want to settle a dispute. But in war you do it aplenty. It matters more whether the war is just or not, even though particular actions are still moral or not.

In this example, I would say you have little choice - if you couldn’t do your silent treatment, you would have to play by the father’s rules entirely. Thus I would think that your silent treatment is not unacceptable. However, at this stage, I would be telling her father of my big disappointment in his actions and I wouldn’t shy away from considering the possibility of putting it on ice until he allows her to have her own life.

But I would also be careful not to force hugs on her. You don’t have any substantive right to that.

 

[Rose71]

Never underestimate how powerful parental control can be. I have friends much older than you who are still living in absolute fear of the disapproval or their parents. I know one who is emotionally blackmailed: ‘if you do x,y or z, your poor mother will have a heart attack’ etc.

Bringing on this ‘silent’ treatment is just piling on more pressure and proving to this girl that there is no such thing as ‘unconditional love’ in this life Viewed in that light, war or no war, it is spiteful and mean. You can do better.

You should pray for a deeper trust in God and move on with your life. Have fun and seek out new things to occupy your time. Focus on making yourself a more learned, more interesting person to know. I am not for a moment suggesting you stop going to Mass, but Mass is a time to get close to God, not play out dating strategies.

A true life-partner inspires you to become a better person, not depressed! Unless this girl is totally stupid, which I don’t believe she is, as you seem a bright man; she will be feeling deeply hurt and very confused. Keep playing games and you may find that when the parental ban is finally lifted, she will feel totally alientated from you.

You need to show her (and her father) that you are an intelligent, happy and interesting man who loves God and loves his life. Nothing is more attractive than a man who is at ease with himself and his beliefs. Got that…NOTHING:thumbsup:

I have every confidence you will work through all this. I do not mean to sound harsh, but this is just how I see it from a woman’s perspective. Good luck!

 

[rayne89]

This girl is 18 years old and needs her dads permission to give you a hug? Honestly I would stay “silent”. All of this sounds quite immature. If her parents have that much control over her what do you think it would be like in marriage -if it ever even came to that. How long are you willing to put up with this nonsense? Is it possible she’s still so interesting because you can’t have her? It’s like a game or a hunt, it makes it more exciting. Because as a female, if I truly was interested in a guy I wouldn’t take months and months to let him know. And 18 I certainly wouldn’t need permission to hug someone. Nor would I accept that much control over my life.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I agree with Rayne. It’s not like you propositioned the girl. Game playing is for middle school.

You may fight and fight and eventually persuade this woman to accept you and persuade her father you aren’t garbage. Only to have what? Someone where you wish you could have lost when you really get to know them?

Are you really in love with her, or just the idea of her?

 

[chevalier]

Bringing on this ‘silent’ treatment is just piling on more pressure and proving to this girl that there is no such thing as ‘unconditional love’ in this life Viewed in that light, war or no war, it is spiteful and mean. You can do better.

True, though I’d see it as a contest of will in hardball negotiation, therefore perhaps not as bad as you see it. First of all, however, I would question whether I really wanted to keep playing the game. That would be very close to the negative.

 

[lovemysix]

I haven’t read your other posts, but just from what I read here, I agree with the posters who opine that a girl of 18 who is still so much under her father’s rule is not what you want in a spouse.

I was 18 when I met my huband, 19 when I started dating, and 20 when he asked me to marry him. My very authoritarian mother was very much against us as a couple. She was totally wrong, and I have 17 1/2 years of wedded bliss to prove it. I was mature enough and self-confident enough to know my own mind and make decisions accordingly.

Why would you want a girl who can’t make a decision on her own? A girl who is so dominated by her parents? There is nothing good that can come of it. The fact that you have been reduced to passive/aggressive game-playing is proof of that. My advice is to move on.

 

[happymommy]

Oh dear, I think I’m going to have to say that it is time to move on. I know you really care for this girl, but I think her dad might have some control issues, that you do not want to get in the middle of. I’d keep being kind, smile and say hello, but I would turn my attention else where. You are a great kid…there is some lovely girl out there for you, just let go and let God guide you where you should be!

 

[whatevergirl]

***I agree with rayne, also…if this is meant to be, belgarion…God will pave the way. Sometimes, road blocks are thrown up precisely because God wants you to move on.

I hope that you can find peace in the situation, regardless…I know that it’s hard to let go of people, but sometimes, we just have to.

Take care, and God bless. ***

 

[shannyk]

you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.

I agree with happymommy. This whole situation is wrought with immaturity, game playing, and passive aggressive behavior. time to move along.

Is this girl bringing out the best in you? does she want you to be the best ‘you’ you can be? doesn’t seem like it. seems more like shes’ bringing you down making you act in a way that is beneath you. seems like she’s trying to keep you engaged in this charade maybe for her own self esteem’s sake.

i don’t think she’s anywhere near ready for a relationship, nor are her parents ready to allow her to be in one and since she is under their tutelage that is their prerogative.

she and her parents seem like they are telling you, in not so many words, to back off, and I think you have to listen to what they are saying through their actions and not really read too much more into it.

when a person shows you who they are, listen.

like happymommy said, smile, say hello be polite. if she asks for an explanation I’d give it, directly and to the point while being kind at the same time.

i agree that with he father’s behavior this is not a situation I’d recommend anyone getting into.

 

[happymommy]

you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.

:dancing: Thanks shanny! I’ll be singing that the rest of the day!!!

Never count your money, when your sittin at the table…there will be time enough for countin…

 

[Belgarion]

0_o…I go to bed, wake up and find replies…Its like Christmas

Silent treatment is passive aggressive behaviour. But I would see this example like a war. It is not acceptable to run up to people and spike them with your knife because you want to settle a dispute. But in war you do it aplenty. It matters more whether the war is just or not, even though particular actions are still moral or not.

In this example, I would say you have little choice - if you couldn’t do your silent treatment, you would have to play by the father’s rules entirely. Thus I would think that your silent treatment is not unacceptable. However, at this stage, I would be telling her father of my big disappointment in his actions and I wouldn’t shy away from considering the possibility of putting it on ice until he allows her to have her own life.

Yeah, that’s what I mean. What else can I do? She’s important to me, and its seems that its like I’m not. And if one of them wants to talk to me about it, I’ll be fine with that.

But I would also be careful not to force hugs on her. You don’t have any substantive right to that.

I don’t force hugs. Its not like she said “No” and hugged her anyways.
And when I hugged her after she got back from L.A., it was no different than hugging any other girl when I missed them. Sure, this had a different emotion behind it, but its nothing wrong.

Rose71:

Never underestimate how powerful parental control can be. I have friends much older than you who are still living in absolute fear of the disapproval or their parents. I know one who is emotionally blackmailed: ‘if you do x,y or z, your poor mother will have a heart attack’ etc.

Bringing on this ‘silent’ treatment is just piling on more pressure and proving to this girl that there is no such thing as ‘unconditional love’ in this life Viewed in that light, war or no war, it is spiteful and mean. You can do better.

You should pray for a deeper trust in God and move on with your life. Have fun and seek out new things to occupy your time. Focus on making yourself a more learned, more interesting person to know. I am not for a moment suggesting you stop going to Mass, but Mass is a time to get close to God, not play out dating strategies.

A true life-partner inspires you to become a better person, not depressed! Unless this girl is totally stupid, which I don’t believe she is, as you seem a bright man; she will be feeling deeply hurt and very confused. Keep playing games and you may find that when the parental ban is finally lifted, she will feel totally alientated from you.

You need to show her (and her father) that you are an intelligent, happy and interesting man who loves God and loves his life. Nothing is more attractive than a man who is at ease with himself and his beliefs. Got that…NOTHING

I have every confidence you will work through all this. I do not mean to sound harsh, but this is just how I see it from a woman’s perspective. Good luck!

Yeah, well I’ve been who I am, and shown them that. I can’t so any better. I love God, and SOMETIMES life D)
And I’ve been working as hard as I can towards being ready for marriage. I
I just don’t know what else to do. What you’re saying is to move on and occupy myself with something constructive. Well, I’ve been doing that! But for me, the path to marriage is very important to me. I’m not like my friends who want to “Go out, see the world” before they get married.

rayne89:

This girl is 18 years old and needs her dads permission to give you a hug? Honestly I would stay “silent”. All of this sounds quite immature. If her parents have that much control over her what do you think it would be like in marriage -if it ever even came to that. How long are you willing to put up with this nonsense? Is it possible she’s still so interesting because you can’t have her? It’s like a game or a hunt, it makes it more exciting. Because as a female, if I truly was interested in a guy I wouldn’t take months and months to let him know. And 18 I certainly wouldn’t need permission to hug someone. Nor would I accept that much control over my life.

She’s 20, actually.

Which makes it worse, I know.
But its not the thrill of the hunt that I like. Heck, I would much rather be with her! I am DEFINITELY not that type of guy who just enjoys the chase. Ugh…that’s just stupid.

Liberanosamalo:

Are you really in love with her, or just the idea of her?

Ha!
No, I’ve been through that before. Its stupid and immature to just love what you don’t know about a woman.
trust me, when I first started to have feelings for her, I explored it logically. I used my brain and my heart in tandem.

So I’m getting the idea from everyone (Save a select few, maybe?) that moving on is what’s best.
Not to be weird…but that’s like asking me to walk away from a 1967 Shelby GT-500 Mustang just because negotiating with the owner is difficult.
…Ok, that WAS a little weird…but still…You get the point. I just love nearly everything I know about her. The one thing I’m not happy with is her inability to at least TRY to speak honestly with me about this.

Should I just give her a letter, and walk?

I mean, its a win/win situation for me then.
If she is truly on my side, she’ll just continue to write back without bringing her father into it. But if she’s not, then it’ll just solidify my fears and will motivate me to move on

 

[Sillara]

Belgarion,
I’ve read most of the other threads. I have to say that I would, if you truly love the girl, approach her one final time. Explain your position, offer her yourself, and if she says “no” or “wait a while”, then you know to move on.

Do not waste time on a woman who is not going to be able to marry you.

 

[Belgarion]

Belgarion,
I’ve read most of the other threads. I have to say that I would, if you truly love the girl, approach her one final time. Explain your position, offer her yourself, and if she says “no” or “wait a while”, then you know to move on.

Do not waste time on a woman who is not going to be able to marry you.

I have to agree with you for the most part.

However, at least if she says “Wait a litle while.” I’ve actually GOT something.
It means she’s on my side, and just feels that she wants to get things out of the way.
But there would have to be a condition for me, and that would be to at the VERY least talk about more important and deeper things that we normally do. Stuff that I’d feel a little awkward talking about ATM.

Speaking to her seems the logical course of action. I was going to seek the advice of one of her sisters maybe…They’re close to her, and I don’t really have any restrictions on talking to THEM alone. They might know more about it, and would likely confirm my deductions

 

[dixieagle]

I’m a mom of two grown daughters in their twenties, now both married. I’ve got to say that this whole drama smacks of middle school, and not of behavior expected of mature young adults. I went back and read many of your original posts. My daughters wouldn’t have stood for this baloney for a minute.

It sounds as if you have an odd idea of what “love” is; you seem enamored by an ideal, as you clearly haven’t had the opportunity to really get to know this girl. And what’s up with a 20 year old girl who is still so much under her parent’s thumb? I can understand, perhaps, a “no dating until you’re 18” rule, but this is, quite frankly, bizarre. At what age do her parents consider it OK to date, or “court”? 30? 35??? Ever???

Is she in school? Are they paying for it, and that is why she is apparently afraid to upset her parents? If that’s the case, then she must not really be interested enough in you to bother upsetting the applecart. Or, she simply has no backbone; either way, it is not a promising situation.

I couldn’t stand the uncertainty; I would muster up my courage and speak to her parents, and to her, stating your intentions plainly, and let the chips fall where they may. Stop the silly silent treatment (what mixed signals!) and act like a mature adult. If her parents still oppose her dating, and she won’t act like a grown-up, it is high time to get on with your life.

 

[Belgarion]

I’m a mom of two grown daughters in their twenties, now both married. I’ve got to say that this whole drama smacks of middle school, and not of behavior expected of mature young adults. I went back and read many of your original posts. My daughters wouldn’t have stood for this baloney for a minute.

Are you talking about MY actions, or the parents’?

It sounds as if you have an odd idea of what “love” is; you seem enamored by an ideal, as you clearly haven’t had the opportunity to really get to know this girl. And what’s up with a 20 year old girl who is still so much under her parent’s thumb? I can understand, perhaps, a “no dating until you’re 18” rule, but this is, quite frankly, bizarre. At what age do her parents consider it OK to date, or “court”? 30? 35??? Ever???

No, I have a good idea of what love is. I know the difference between Love and infatuation and I know the definitions of the four loves.

Apparently its a victorian age thing. No courting until you’re ready to get married.
You don’t have to tell me how ridiculous that is.

Is she in school? Are they paying for it, and that is why she is apparently afraid to upset her parents? If that’s the case, then she must not really be interested enough in you to bother upsetting the applecart. Or, she simply has no backbone; either way, it is not a promising situation.

Well, I don’t believe they’re paying for school. She’s done, and isn’t doing anything with college. She does have her own business, though. Its rather cool, actually.
I think that she just wants to be respectful to her parents, who are incredibly odd with their rules.

I couldn’t stand the uncertainty; I would muster up my courage and speak to her parents, and to her, stating your intentions plainly, and let the chips fall where they may. Stop the silly silent treatment (what mixed signals!) and act like a mature adult. If her parents still oppose her dating, and she won’t act like a grown-up, it is high time to get on with your life.

I’ve already talked to her dad about it. And he had to be ridiculous every time. I won’t be able to get anywhere through him.

My silent treatment is NOT a mixed signal. Its a simple signal of “I’m hurt by this”
She needs to understand that and be concerned.
Perhaps the silent treatment is a little too passive. I’m kind of a passive guy. But there’s not much I can do, especially if I really care for her like I do.

Gosh, I AM quite tired of standing around, though.

 

[dixieagle]

Are you talking about MY actions, or the parents’?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

So this woman isn’t furthering her education, she is allowed to have her own business but not allowed to talk to a guy. Her sisters have to act like go-betweens. Her dad and mom have final say over who she talks to. You have subjects deeper than the weather you’d like to discuss with her but can’t, but you think you know her deeply without having discussed them. But you say you want some honesty from her because you haven’t gotten it.

Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit.

Unless you want these people for in-laws. Deciding what is proper for your children, while your wife acceeds to their wishes because she never learned to make a decision of her own.

Do you want them involved as a committee in every decision of your life? They will be. I’m all for close families. I came from one. But THIS is absurd!

Or the other extreme may be happy… she finally gets out from under daddy’s heavy thumb and goes berserk in a few years and rebels against all authority, even your oddly ancient courting outlook. Victorian rules… in the 21st century. It’s a bit affected.

They say the first divorce is really divorcing one of the parents. Do you want to be the “father” she is divorcing someday because she never went through the necessary process of individuation? Her father will hand her over like a piece of property to you someday?

And you are waiting for some honesty from her about her feelings?

This is all so dramatic! DRAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA! No, it’s not romantic. Leave her with her Victorian telenovela for someone else. Seriously.

And no, you might think you know what love is, but until you’ve had the real thing returned to you full force and you’d be willing to die for someone, you don’t know. You don’t even know if you want to continue being ignored by her.

Please, you have much to offer a normal woman who doesn’t have wierd daddy issues.

Go find it.