Is the silent treatment acceptable? (Womanly opinions welcome...I can't really read women's minds)

[Belgarion]

I’ll respond to the other stuff later, but I’m going to take a second and answer this!

Is one of those personality traits you are looking for obedience?
Hahaha. Ok, sorry that was a cheap shot. I’ll be good.

LOL! Don’t worry, I’m keeping this light-hearted, and that’s quite alright!
BTW, no…obedience isn’t something I care for. She’s not supposed to be obedient to me!

I can see you are quite frustrated by the situation, so I pray you have some peace of mind! I will offer you my womanly opinion… first, about the silent treatment: women can’t read men’s minds either! I know, shocking. So you really do need to talk to her (or write her a romantic letter if you must , but it’s probably better if you talk in person) about the situation, so you both don’t end up even more upset.

I am SOOOO much better at writing…lol
I’ve written letters before that have made nearly EVERY woman that read it cry.
It was a problem for me since I get all torn up when women cry…even though it was a good sign…lol

I didn’t read your previous threads, so I don’t know all you’ve written about the situation, but I have to ask this anyway: are you sure that she reciprocates the feelings you have for her? My naive reading of the situation was that, obviously, this girl does not have a lot of experience when it comes to dating-- perhaps she isn’t interested, or at least, isn’t as intensely interested as you seem to be, but she didn’t know how to tell you, and instead is letting her daddy do the dirty work. I’m not saying I’m at all right here, but she could have been avoiding your hugs because she didn’t want to appear to be encouraging you in feelings she did not return. Anyway, like everyone else said, you do need to talk to her and get this sorted out, because you are obviously not just going to let it go.

I am a persistent little punk, aren’t I?

But I am absolutely sure she reciprocates. Maybe not quite as deeply, but definitely deep enough.

She doesn’t really have experience with dating or anything like that. But she actually used to hug ME!!
I remember on new years day, she just came up to me and gave me a hug. It was quite a surprise, since she hadn’t initiated a hug before. And after that, we were a lot more comfortable with hugging each other.

then of course me infamous rotfl hug comes along where I said that I missed her (In a friendly, not romantic way) and she was VERY HAPPY right then (According to a witnessing friend) but after that…Tsk tsk…its quite obvious that it wasn’t her decision

 

[Belgarion]

*Belgarion, in answer to your question…sorry I didn’t put your post with this one…you’ll have to scroll up…

I’d rather see the world alone, than with the wrong person. Just make sure that she is the right person, before you place your eggs into one basket.

I will be praying for you – if nothing else, that you find peace of mind throughout this. *

Touche!

Thank you so much for your prayers, I hope this gets resolved with the leat amount of hurt possible.

 

[whatevergirl]

Touche!

Thank you so much for your prayers, I hope this gets resolved with the leat amount of hurt possible.

***lol-You seem to be a very nice person, Belgarion…did it ever cross your mind that none of us here want to see you get hurt?

Plus, some of us are a wee bit older than you, and we know what we’re talkin’ about.

But…you know, I never fault someone for wanting to explore life on his/her own. If this doesn’t work out, you yourself will need to find your own limits…we can only offer advice, you have to decide when enough is enough…***

 

[Belgarion]

***lol-You seem to be a very nice person, Belgarion…did it ever cross your mind that none of us here want to see you get hurt? ***
Why thank you! :blushing:
And yes…I do imagine no one wants to see me hurt. But some still have better advice than others.

Plus, some of us are a wee bit older than you, and we know what we’re talkin’ about.

That’s true.
lol, to be honest I don’t know what to say right now.
Maybe some sort of mental block…

 

[Lifeisamazing]

I did not read all the posts or your previous thread.

But, here’s my 2cents:

-Go have a man to man with her father. Tell him your intentions and feelings for his daughter. Then go to her and do the same, and tell her you would honestly like to know what her feelings are, good or bad. Games are for children.

-Silent treatment is not acceptable. Silent treatment is immature and unloving. When you see her and her family at church or elsewhere, the best thing is to show some respect and greet them! Seriously- think about how that makes you look. Even if you never date the girl, that is just silly behavior. A stand up guy does not act that way.

-There is value in seeing the World; whether you are alone or not has no bearing on that fact. Expanding your base of knowledge is never a bad thing- and travel and experience of other cultures is the antidote to small mindedness. You should be ever growing in your sense of self, regardless of whether you have a significant other or not!
The more you know, the more you grow, and the more you have to offer intellectually and spiritually.

Well, maybe that was 25cents.

 

[Belgarion]

I did not read all the posts or your previous thread.

But, here’s my 2cents:

-Go have a man to man with her father. Tell him your intentions and feelings for his daughter. Then go to her and do the same, and tell her you would honestly like to know what her feelings are, good or bad. Games are for children.

I’ve already tried with her dad.
I’m planning on talking to her.

-Silent treatment is not acceptable. Silent treatment is immature and unloving. When you see her and her family at church or elsewhere, the best thing is to show some respect and greet them! Seriously- think about how that makes you look. Even if you never date the girl, that is just silly behavior. A stand up guy does not act that way.

Well then its a good thing I’m not a stand up guy.

-There is value in seeing the World; whether you are alone or not has no bearing on that fact. Expanding your base of knowledge is never a bad thing- and travel and experience of other cultures is the antidote to small mindedness. You should be ever growing in your sense of self, regardless of whether you have a significant other or not!
The more you know, the more you grow, and the more you have to offer intellectually and spiritually.

No.
Seeing the world has no bearing on my life.

Well, maybe that was 25cents.

Eh…more like 20

 

[whatevergirl]

Why thank you! :blushing:
And yes…I do imagine no one wants to see me hurt. But some still have better advice than others.

Aw, c’mon! You can’t be much older than me! What’re you 32?
You can’t be much older than my uncle.

That’s true.
lol, to be honest I don’t know what to say right now.
Maybe some sort of mental block…

***Well…nonetheless, I wish you peace of mind. I am of the firm belief that love shouldn’t be painful…I mean, when you marry someday, marriage has its ups and downs…but courtship should be a more breezy, fun and romantic experience…But, I will keep praying for you, that if things don’t work out, that you will be at peace.

By the way, I’m 40. ***

 

[Belgarion]

***Well…nonetheless, I wish you peace of mind. I am of the firm belief that love shouldn’t be painful…I mean, when you marry someday, marriage has its ups and downs…but courtship should be a more breezy, fun and romantic experience…But, I will keep praying for you, that if things don’t work out, that you will be at peace.

---

Thank you very much for your prayers.
I do believe that courtship should be a better experience. And its a good thing we’re not courting right now! Though, if we were, I’d certainly be enjoying it more!!
Trust me, their courtship rules actually allow for alone time! Its like a real date! Whoo hoo!

By the way, I’m 40.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

So I have read the old threads and skimmed this one as well.

The whole situation is tweaked. She is either flightly or under extreme control from parents. And her parents seem too overbearing. And you Belgarion - you write these massive posts about lamenting a love you don’t have, but give every excuse in the book about why it’s ok that the situation is so off. You mention her parents as controlling, but counter with her dad being your friend when we say that it’s bad to be that controlling.

It’s childish. As pointed out - defensive. And frankly, it’s annoying. I read your posts and think, well, why not just ask her out. Don’t talk to her dad, she’s an adult. Talk to her.

You’re 19. She’s 20.

Not to mention, you waver between extremes. You profess deep love, but laugh and post smilies while defending your actions on not talking to her at all.

It’s all very superficial and not real. And while discussions and actions that are amusing like that are nice, there has to be a ground of reality. There is very little reality that I see here.

And I do apologize. I know it’s harsh how I’m phrasing it. But it’s truly something you need to realize.

 

[Belgarion]

So I have read the old threads and skimmed this one as well.

I don’t think ANYONE read everything!

The whole situation is tweaked. She is either flightly or under extreme control from parents. And her parents seem too overbearing.

Tweaked covers it.
crack knuckles for next part

And you Belgarion - you write these massive posts about lamenting a love you don’t have, but give every excuse in the book about why it’s ok that the situation is so off. You mention her parents as controlling, but counter with her dad being your friend when we say that it’s bad to be that controlling.

Oh boy, well let’s just say that I have a limited amount of patience and understanding.
However, I will ask you to not diminish my feelings for her.

It’s childish. As pointed out - defensive. And frankly, it’s annoying. I read your posts and think, well, why not just ask her out. Don’t talk to her dad, she’s an adult. Talk to her.

What am I trying to do now?
Before, I was able to understand. Sure, the situation sucked, but it was not HELL. I felt like I hit a wall, but I also felt like that wall was crumbling away.
Heh, but recently, the wall actually pushed back. So you tell me how wrong it is to change my mind and feel a little differently about the situation.

You’re 19. She’s 20.

Not to mention, you waver between extremes. You profess deep love, but laugh and post smilies while defending your actions on not talking to her at all.

I hardly call being upset something that would cancel out love. Taking that break from interacting with her. Sending a “I’m hurt…ouch” message doesn’t suddenly make all my feelings for her go away. Otherwise I’d be doomed in marriage, wouldn’t you say?
Like I said, if she wants to talk, I’ll talk. But that’s just the point, is it? Because she likely won’t.

It’s all very superficial and not real. And while discussions and actions that are amusing like that are nice, there has to be a ground of reality. There is very little reality that I see here.

Reality?
Honestly I don’t care much for reality or standards. If I conformed to the norm, then I’d be the norm.
However, Darth Vader voice I find your lack of faith disturbing.

And I do apologize. I know it’s harsh how I’m phrasing it. But it’s truly something you need to realize.

Yeah, it is harsh.
However, despite being extremely naive sometimes, I’m not stupid.
I’ve realized plenty over the course of this entire ordeal. Its not something you just muddle through without learning anything. Some small events can force a mini paradigm shift in your mind. Suddenly everything seems different.
I can’t say that this has happened just yet in terms of how I SEE her. But we’ll find out, won’t we.
It HAS happened in how I feel about being a marionette, with my heartstrings being plucked by one of two possible puppeteers.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you very much for your prayers.
I do believe that courtship should be a better experience. And its a good thing we’re not courting right now! Though, if we were, I’d certainly be enjoying it more!!
Trust me, their courtship rules actually allow for alone time! Its like a real date! Whoo hoo!

So, you have never been on a date with this girl, then Belgarion? I apologize if you are covering old ground, I don’t remember. lol

LIES!!!

'Tis true, my friend. I’m old enough to be your mom. lol Which is why I’m so wise on this subject matter…you should listen to your elders, didn’t you ever learn that?

 

[Belgarion]

'Tis true, my friend. I’m old enough to be your mom. lol Which is why I’m so wise on this subject matter…you should listen to your elders, didn’t you ever learn that?

I’ve always been a slow learner… (Not really, but for the sake of the joke, just go along with it )

Well, you’re actually younger than my mom. She’s 28, and you’re 25.
(Code for she’s 43) But my older sister is 23…so mixing code with reality doesn’t work…hmm…

 

[Consecrated]

I mean to say that just simply going to him isn’t going to do anything. My previous experiences with him has proven that. I need to go to her, not him.

oh my… you’re just now figuring that out?? you really do need to talk to her… and if they won’t give you two a bit of privacy to do it, then you’ll just have too spill it in front of them or write a letter. don’t wait for cooperation from her family in this matter.

 

[kage_ar]

Either this young woman is in some very controlled family situation where she needs to leave and get therapy and live alone for many years before even THINKING about dating -

OR

She is just not into you. Her dad and family love her and will act like they are the bad guys so she does not have to say “get away from me”.

Either way, go work on you and keep your eyes open for a young lady who wants to date you.

 

[sanctamaria17]

If she’s twenty (my age) and too afraid to go to her dad, I’d seriously wonder what was going on in that family.

My dad speaks his mind about whether or not he approves of a guy in my life, but, as I am an adult, going to school far away, starting to pay my way, he ultimately leaves that decision up to me. I’m also open and up front about whether or not I am seeing anyone, because I want my parents to know what’s going on in my life.

If you love her, say something and tell her to be honest with you. Then, decide together!

But stop playing manipulative games. That’s not love.

 

[Belgarion]

oh my… you’re just now figuring that out?? you really do need to talk to her… and if they won’t give you two a bit of privacy to do it, then you’ll just have too spill it in front of them or write a letter. don’t wait for cooperation from her family in this matter.

LOL!
Yeah, well I’m a little slow sometimes
I agree that this has to be done, but I’m going to spend some more time praying about it, just to be sure.

Either this young woman is in some very controlled family situation where she needs to leave and get therapy and live alone for many years before even THINKING about dating -

Not this extreme, her siblings married alright. They were under the same influence and may have had it worse.

OR

She is just not into you. Her dad and family love her and will act like they are the bad guys so she does not have to say “get away from me”.

No.
100% absolutely not.
Simply because I can trust her father on a few things. And one of those things is when he told me that if she didn’t care for me, he would have immediately said “No. Go away.”
Also, I know for a fact that she has feelings for me. Don’t ask me how, but its a sure thing.

Either way, go work on you and keep your eyes open for a young lady who wants to date you.

I don’t start dating a woman just because she wants to date me.
I’m quite certain that I could meet some random girl at the mall, smile at her, and ask her out on a date and she’d say yes without a moments hesitation (Unless she already had a boyfriend)
I’m not trying to be cocky, but its true. However, I tend to be interested in women who are INTERESTING. Those who fit my criteria, and I have established a friendship with. I won’t just jump into something! I’m not like that.
In this particular case, I had established a friendship with this young woman before I developed feelings for her. Heck! EVERYONE I know could tell that SHE had feelings for ME before I had feelings for HER!

If she’s twenty (my age) and too afraid to go to her dad, I’d seriously wonder what was going on in that family.

As would I…Or rather, as DO I…
Then again, she might go to her dad frequently about it. So let’s not draw conclusions until we’re certain.

My dad speaks his mind about whether or not he approves of a guy in my life, but, as I am an adult, going to school far away, starting to pay my way, he ultimately leaves that decision up to me. I’m also open and up front about whether or not I am seeing anyone, because I want my parents to know what’s going on in my life.

I admire that. That’s absolutely wonderful.

If you love her, say something and tell her to be honest with you. Then, decide together!

I agree. But you know what I’m afraid of?..Better yet, before that, I’ll tell you what I’m NOT afraid of.
I’m NOT afraid of her saying “I don’t love you.”
I’m not afraid of her saying something to her dad.

I AM afraid of her having feelings for me, but my actions being found out, and us being torn apart. I couldn’t marry her right now. I’m not financially, and possibly not emotionally ready. That’s why the period of courtship is important, to help you develop the proper emotional maturity, and it gives you time to get your stuff together while keeping you highly motivated and supported (Emotionally, or whatever).

I AM afraid of the very idea that if ONLY I had waited a little longer, it would have been fine.
But on the other hand, I AM afraid of continuing through this pain and heartache.

Believe me, I want to act. But I’m a little conflicted, and must examine the consequences of my actions on BOTH sides of the issue.

But stop playing manipulative games. That’s not love.

Sure, maybe its manipulative. But then again, I think its also manipulative to say “hugging is fine.” but then take it away.
I think its manipulative to say “hey, maybe you should come over and watch some movies with us. come over for dinner” etc…but a little more than a week later…say that it shouldn’t happen.

Its manipulative in GENERAL to not talk about something in an open and honest way, but instead just “Cut me off” and simply prevent me from doing it.
Whether that be carrying her music case for her, as a gentlemanly act. (shortly afterwards, she starts [most likely told to do so] putting her music case away before I can get to her)
Or now hugging. Where she would be SO happy when we hug, and she initiated some herself. Her dad said it was ok, (As long as it wasn’t some really close, and innappropriate hug) but now takes it away.

Tell me who is more manipulative.
The guy (Because I’m sure she’s not doing this herself. Logic and evidence supports that. Stuff I haven’t mentioned) who does THAT.

Or the guy who just goes home after choir practice instead of staying afterwards to talk to her?

 

[Sheeniac]

Either this young woman is in some very controlled family situation where she needs to leave and get therapy and live alone for many years before even THINKING about dating -

OR

She is just not into you. Her dad and family love her and will act like they are the bad guys so she does not have to say “get away from me”.

Either way, go work on you and keep your eyes open for a young lady who wants to date you.

I have to agree with this statement.

I’m a little older than whatevergirl, and have seen a lot of life as well. One thing I learned the hard way is that you can’t fix what you didn’t break. We’re all ‘brpken’, but I think you need to look for a woman a little less broken for marriage. Her actions are not quite right for her age. She is likely to be very immature if she has not been allowed to grow fully independent. I think you are focusing in on the good in her character with glasses that are tinted a little too rose-y.

Relationships are hard, and you need good skills for them. Her situation sounds like she has not developed many of these skills.

You say you love her. Maybe you do and some of us are misjudging. BUT… a marriage takes a lot more than love. A good relationship takes a lot more than love. You wouldn’t just be marrying her, you would be marrying the whole family. And marriage is forever, which is a terribly long time.

I’m not too optimistic about this, but still wish you the best of luck.

 

[Belgarion]

I have to agree with this statement.

I’m a little older than whatevergirl, and have seen a lot of life as well. One thing I learned the hard way is that you can’t fix what you didn’t break. We’re all ‘brpken’, but I think you need to look for a woman a little less broken for marriage. Her actions are not quite right for her age. She is likely to be very immature if she has not been allowed to grow fully independent. I think you are focusing in on the good in her character with glasses that are tinted a little too rose-y.

Uh…Rose-colored glasses? LOL

Anyways, I can be a pretty critical person, actually. Though I used to have the problem that you’re talking about. When an earlier relationship ended before it began, I kind of realized that, and did something about it.

As for her, yeah, she may have that problem. We’ll see.

Relationships are hard, and you need good skills for them. Her situation sounds like she has not developed many of these skills.

Are you talking about romantic relationships, or just plain ol’ relationships.
I’ll assume its the former. (Because if its the latter, then its not a problem since she’s friends with a lot of people and interacts with them quite well)
I haven’t developed those kind of skills! I’ve never even been out on a date!!

You say you love her. Maybe you do and some of us are misjudging. BUT… a marriage takes a lot more than love. A good relationship takes a lot more than love. You wouldn’t just be marrying her, you would be marrying the whole family. And marriage is forever, which is a terribly long time.

Sure it takes more than Love. It take dedication, devotion, and patience.
I wonder where I could be learning those…?
Now, I have no problem being close to her family. They’re nice people, but they will have no authority over our family, should we marry. Especially when I’ve got the bible to back me up. I’ll say “HA! Read this!!”
I don’t foresee that being a problem, though.

I’m not too optimistic about this, but still wish you the best of luck.

Thank you. I don’t think many people here are optimistic about this.
I might or might not be.

 

[dixieagle]

Honey, get off the computer and go talk to her. Get this settled once and for all. Don’t waste any more time talking to people who can’t do anything about the situation.

 

[Belgarion]

Honey, get off the computer and go talk to her. Get this settled once and for all. Don’t waste any more time talking to people who can’t do anything about the situation.

What a coincidence, I see her tonight.

However, I find it extremely unlikely that I’ll be able to talk to her.