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Is the silent treatment acceptable? (Womanly opinions welcome...I can't really read women's minds)
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dakotagirl
Guest
QUOTE//////No email, and I’m going to GIVE it to her, rather than mail it/////QUOTE
Sounds good. Keep us posted, old chap.
Sounds good. Keep us posted, old chap.
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Belgarion
Guest
I’m not sending it. I’m giving it to her
I’m scared, tooWait, we’re agreeing?
That is creepy- agree with Jay56. I’ve only heard hardcore Fundamentalists talk like that, and it’s never a good thing. And agreed further- get a friend to call. A female friend even, and then switch the phone. Or meet her at the library. That her father screens her calls, and that she doesn’t have a cell… it is a prison. She is a prisoner. This isn’t being protective, this is a power-trip. And she’s either so used to it she doesn’t see it, or she’s scared. Or perhaps accepts it.
Listen, I didn’t get a cell until a couple years ago, and even then I hardly use it for anything other than texting. So THAT’S not a problem for me.
But yeah, you could call it a prison. I’ll see how she feels about it, and me soon. Don’t worry.
Its even more “not effective” to repeatedly misunderstand my intentions.
This is effectively a way to get perspective (which seems to have failed) and a way to bounce ideas off of people (Which seems to have worked) AND I was emotional when I wrote this, so I was ranting, and very upset. A three-fold purpose, not ineffective (The proper term)
Yeah, I guess that’s true.
Heh, if you think that I’ll even MARRY her if she gives signs of allowing him to control her beyond the wedding day…you must be crazy. So far, all I’ve seen is crazy parenting, and some rather successful marriages with the older kids.
Nope.
However, my ideas on WHY she doesn’t have a cell or email is simply an observation and opinion. It may not be true. However, its likely. Plus, she’s not really good with computers either.
No kidding.
And no I’m NOT following her around like a puppy! And her dad doesn’t glare! He was this way with all of the kids (which would explain why 2/3 of the marriages happened without the family’s interference.
Certain things you CAN be critical of. That’s all fine and dandy. But ONE of those things is how I behave. And I’m certainly not following her around like a puppy. Please reserve such judgment until you come to Eugene, Oregon, go to St. MAry’s Catholic Church, and watch my behavior.
Now, I would describe my behavior as being “Naive, passive, and impatiently patient.”
If she’s guilty of not standing up to her father, then I’m just as bad.
Correct? Good, then we agree.
Yeah…I mentioned it alright, but you fail to realize that events like that actually spurred the son to move out and deal with it on his own.
Commendable.
I find that story to be fascinating, and incredibly sweet.
However, not even my family would allow that.
Which makes me wonder if your not a little biased. After all, someone under minimal discipline would react strongly to a situation like hers and mine.
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Belgarion
Guest
I agree with you.
(Surprised?)
Its not a smokescreen, because as I said, if she didn’t like me, I would be told.Yeah, Belgarion…something is really odd here. If anything, she doesn’t behave like an adult. My dd is 13, she’s not permitted to date yet…and needs our permission to do things. That is how this 20 yr old girl is behaving…and yeah, her dad is controlling, but it sounds like she is not very mature, otherwise she’d have enough of it, and get out on her own.
Unless this is a smokescreen, and she just doesn’t want to tell you she isn’t into you. Immature girls do that you know, just sayin’.
I am not sure what else to say, but I think you deserve better. What are your parents’ thoughts on this?
That’s the only thing her dad was straight-forward about.
Yeah, well it IS an immaturity. And it must be dealt with (HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT!!!
)Will do. Pray for me. PLease?
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dakotagirl
Guest
How could I not pray for someone who quotes the Princess Bride in his sig? Wonderful film. Of course I shall.
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Belgarion
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sanctamaria17
Guest
Well, yes, because one would expect someone to be under minimal discipline once they’re old enough to vote and serve in the military…
Even in the days of very strict parenting, parents still expected their children to court and be married by their twenties.
PLT and I may be under “minimal discipline” but I believe part of that is due to the fact that, once we were eighteen (at least in my case), we were considered adults, not only by the law, but by our families as well. Even though my parents still pay my tuition, they don’t care what I do as long as I pay for other things, keep my grades up, and still remain a good person (good Catholic in my book, but my parents aren’t practicing). That’s because they trust me and they want me to learn how to make my own decisions.
That’s why I have such a strong reaction. I was raised to be independent and self-sufficient. I also take after my dad in stubbornness, so I’ve fought to get my own way if needed. I don’t need my dad’s permission to court anyone.
I don’t mean to sound snippy, snarky, or mean. I’m just frustrated that a dad would have a problem with his adult daughter living and acting like, well, an adult.
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Jay53
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OK, Belgarion: When are you giving her the letter? 
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kage_ar
Guest
Does anyone have a spy helicopter that will evade her dad’s surface to air missle system to help him deliver it?OK, Belgarion: When are you giving her the letter?
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whatevergirl
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Jay53
Guest
Maybe we can outfit it with some sort of device so that it can only be opened by her and will issue an electric shock to any interlopers.
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Belgarion
Guest
Yeah, but I’m nearly 20 and I’m living at home. I’m expected to follow my family’s rules while I live under their roof. And with their financial support.
Yet again, I’m glad that we don’t live in those days, since the women married in their 20’s would be married to guys in their 30’s
Sure, that’s a good way to handle things.
But right now, one thing that I learn is how to take care of kids. My dad lost his job a while back, so he’s at home all the time now, so its not like I’m taking care of kids all the time. But I have responsibilities, still. Likewise, (Yeah, its WAAY to much, but I’m just trying to provide some perspective on this, for me as well) she has responsibilities at home, too. Perhaps not taking care of kids (she’s among the youngest) but actual work. I suppose for the sake of anonymity, that’s all I should say…
Yeah, I don’t need my parent’s permission to date/court anyone.
And I think its wrong for them to have that much control, but then we don’t know the entire story.
But one thing that I know for sure is that games are being played, (Mostly against me) and THAT is definitely not right.
And I’m not frustrated?
I seem to be a lightning rod for this kind of frustration when I’m feeling it, too!!
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Belgarion
Guest
It depends. I’m going to have to wing it, because there is no sure time where I’ll be able to get her alone. I’ll have to trust that God will give me an opportunity. If He doesn’t, then perhaps He wants me to wait a little longer.OK, Belgarion: When are you giving her the letter?
Oh gosh, that’d be frickin’ AWESOME
…Hmm…never watch that channel (Its a channel right?
I have to say, Belgarion…this is better than a Lifetime movie.
)…Geez, someday there’s going to be a movie about this…“Unfortunately Based on a true story”
Ouch, I don’t want to ZAP them…Ok…maybe a little…Maybe we can outfit it with some sort of device so that it can only be opened by her and will issue an electric shock to any interlopers.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
This reminds me of one of my favorite Foghorn Leghorn cartoons.
Foghorn sees the dog courting the old chicken. “I love ya. I’ll buy ya jewels. We’ll travel!” He decides he wants the old hen. A stiff competition involving boards on the head and Acme traps ensues. Finally Foghorn wins the battle. He wins her heart. The last line is “I won! I won! Do you think there may be some way I could have lost?”
Be careful while you are really seeking to win this “prize” that you know you are winning the whole family. Someday if you “triumph” you may wish you had lost the quest.
But you won’t listen. You are sure her father will dry up and blow away. You THINK the relationships with the “married kids” are normal with him. What do you really know of the inner dynamics and frustrations of this family. Have you TALKED to one of the guys that managed to marry one of the other daughters how much fun he’s having?
You say little about the mother of this family. I’m wondering about her and her place here. And what example she’s setting for the daughter.
Foghorn sees the dog courting the old chicken. “I love ya. I’ll buy ya jewels. We’ll travel!” He decides he wants the old hen. A stiff competition involving boards on the head and Acme traps ensues. Finally Foghorn wins the battle. He wins her heart. The last line is “I won! I won! Do you think there may be some way I could have lost?”
Be careful while you are really seeking to win this “prize” that you know you are winning the whole family. Someday if you “triumph” you may wish you had lost the quest.
But you won’t listen. You are sure her father will dry up and blow away. You THINK the relationships with the “married kids” are normal with him. What do you really know of the inner dynamics and frustrations of this family. Have you TALKED to one of the guys that managed to marry one of the other daughters how much fun he’s having?
You say little about the mother of this family. I’m wondering about her and her place here. And what example she’s setting for the daughter.
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Belgarion
Guest
Wow, that’s a cartoon. And very objectifying, IMO.
Anyways, you don’t know that.
Neither will you
That’s a funny image
Well, well. I happen to know people who have married into the family. And before you even suggested it, I decided I wanted to confirm that I was right. I’m waiting on an email right now.
Though its never been brought up as an issue before. Unless my memory is failing.
Her mom is nice, and for some reason she doesn’t really deal with the courting stuff. Oh well. She’s a very intelligent woman, and that seems to have influenced the kids quite a bit. After all, the young woman knows things that I never even think about…Odd things…lol
But useful, really.
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Sheeniac
Guest
I cannot fathom any possible story that would warrant this, except very horrific ones.
You said before that this is the perfect woman. When pressed, yuo said you know her very well, for several years.
Now, it’s nice to see teens posting on this with their insight, but let me tell you as someone who was quite wild in her youth (I was an atheist - I have an excuse) and dated way too many men… There are NO perfect people. And yes, I know you are exaggerating to make a point, but there’s no one even as good as you say. The personality you see is a response to being controlled and that is geared at not making waves. By her acquiescing to his control, she is having to sublimate her natural feelings of rebellion over such a ludicrous situation. I would venture to say that no matter how well you think you know her, she would say that no one really knows her.
Or, on the flip side… she’s just not that into you and she’s hiding behind her dad because you are too nice to hurt. Or possibly too dense to get a clue.
IRL, I’m a consultant who works with big companies. I’ve met a gazillion people and need to be able to be able to quickly read someone once I meet them. While I have only your words to go, this is my best guess.
What you do need to do is PM everyone who has posted to this thread and let them know when you post the post-letter update.
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Belgarion
Guest
I didn’t say it’d be a story with a good excuse, I just wanted it to be known that I don’t know everything about it.
Well of COURSE no one is perfect. I’ll admit, for a year and a half or so, I was getting pretty scared because I was finding NOTHING (and I mean absolutely NOTHING) that I didn’t like about her. I knew that there was more to her, and I was right. Yes…I’ve found out that she is human!!! And I’m not just talking about THIS situation. I heard of a time when she was grumpy…yes, grumpy. And you know what, that actually made me feel MORE for her.
Sure, I know (and knew) her very well. But I will admit right now that I don’t know everything about her. Heck, that doesn’t happen until you’ve been married forever. My sister and BIL don’t even know everything about each other just yet.
Of course. I explained this above
Oh please. Its not THAT bad. Every aspect of her life is not controlled. She is a VERY weird person (A fact that I find quite attractive) and may not make waves much with her parents, but she’s shocked me a few times! Sure, she’s not a crazy rebel, I’m not either! But she’s not forced to act like some Victorian Lady, always proper and such.
I cannot, and will not, agree with you on this. Her personality is her own, and she’s not like her sisters.
Maybe, but then maybe not.
I can’t read her mind, so I don’t know either way if she REALLY wants out or not.
Wow, I think you just insulted me.
But I will say for the millionth time…she’s IS into me. If she didn’t care for me, her dad would have told me to go away. He was pretty clear on that.
And of course I have other intel that I won’t release in the forums.
Sorry, your best guess is wrong. But you really don’t have a lot to work with. That’s my fault, I should learn to take better notes.
Sure, I will if they want to stop posting on here. But if you don’t want the update, let me know, peoples.
I’ll pray that its a good update…
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Well, from the point of view of adults who have dated, courted, married, married into dysfunctional families and ended up divorced, this is all very cartoonish.
And yes, we are listening.
And what you keep saying is digging your hole deeper.
You are the one who doesn’t realize how this looks from the viewpoint of people who are parents with children of their own near your age.
You keep arguing with us how the father is unreasonable but he’s not a real issue and all you have to do is pierce the castle armor and the maiden will be yours.
Yes. Cartoonish. I can see the little pen and ink outline of you lying on your couch swooning over the fair maiden and pining.
C’mon. Life isn’t a movie. Go live it with people who aren’t following a medieval script.
And yes, we are listening.
And what you keep saying is digging your hole deeper.
You are the one who doesn’t realize how this looks from the viewpoint of people who are parents with children of their own near your age.
You keep arguing with us how the father is unreasonable but he’s not a real issue and all you have to do is pierce the castle armor and the maiden will be yours.
Yes. Cartoonish. I can see the little pen and ink outline of you lying on your couch swooning over the fair maiden and pining.
C’mon. Life isn’t a movie. Go live it with people who aren’t following a medieval script.
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chevalier
Guest
Belgarion, I’ve got to agree with Liberanos that there are some things people are trying to turn your attention to and it would be good for you to suspend the defence for a moment and consider those things. Your judgement of that family is too optimistic, as is your judgement of your own situation. That’s okay, we’ve all been young, in fact in my case it wasn’t even long ago, and we would be very worrying if you were acting like a 40 year old with a baggage of jading experience when you’re 20. It’s your right to experience all that, but you’re gonna bleed from it. It’s often better to learn from someone else’s mistakes.
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chevalier
Guest
Making up fake excuses and playing silly games is more dense than being unable to get such a clue.
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