Is there hope for a dead marriage?

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Honestly, I think you are to the point where you need to stop letting him make you responsible for all this. Perhaps what he needs is to actually LOSE you as a consequence of his actions. (Your vows do not mean you have to physically LIVE together if the situation is destructive or abusive. You’re still married of course, but he has lost your presence and services and caring.) You’re going to have to make this hurt for him…make it difficult. Because right now, he can just keep fobbing you off, periodically seeming to cater to your “whining” and then doing really nothing to repair anything. He hasn’t lost anything. His behavior hasn’t really cost him anything yet. If he realizes that you are actually leaving him alone and not taking his abuse anymore, then he can decide if he is serious enough about you to do what it takes to get you back. If he’s not, you’ll have your answer, and you can stop obsessing about this. Sad, yes, but better than what you have to live with now. You need to focus on your child, and of course, your husband would need to be a good parent even if the two of you were no longer living as husband and wife. You would find out very quick how serious he is about THAT too…

I just can’t help thinking what a horrible thing this priest is doing to your family. And to think…so many people know he is a bad priest, but they won’t do anything to remove him from ministry. This man is destroying people’s families AND their faith AND their connection to the Church! It is so frustrating knowing you are in that situation with literally nowhere to turn. I think you should contact that priest’s spiritual advisor, and tell him that it is completely unacceptable for anyone in the Church to let this continue any longer! Someone needs to step up to the plate here! This is the kind of thing that gives people ammo against the Catholic church…oh, we’re just hoping he won’t do anything WORSE, so we’ll leave this priest in a place where he’s destroying people…uh, didn’t we learn ANYTHING since 1994?
 
I know what will happen if I move out.

First, I don’t have my own money to move out. I will have to find employment. I will have to put my son in day care to do so. I will have to save everything that doesn’t go to daycare, meaning it will be several months before I could. That could be time we could be doing something productive. Assuming I did this and finally moved out, there would be no chance of reconciliation. My husband will give up hope. He will turn to his family for support. They will tell him that they knew it was only a matter of time and how wonderful he is. They will provide a lawyer for him. Within weeks, a divorce will be filed. He won’t want it but he’ll feel hopeless and let his parents do what they will. They will fight for him to have full custody and for them to have grandparents rights. It will be a lengthy court battle. I will have no money for an attorney. In the end, it will turn out that we will be given joint custody. My son will always remember us being divorced. My son will grow up miserable.

My own needs have to take a back seat to my son’s. I am not willing to go down that course as long as there is any hope for another avenue. We just went to in-house seperation. I think this, as it is, is better than divorce. At this point in time, my husband’s parents are not involved and do not know about it. The driving force undermining our marriage is the priest, but he’s not going to recommend divorce. He’ll just excuse my husband’s lack of action. I am seeing tiny slivers of desire. My husband isn’t the type to wake up when he loses it all. He’s the type to give up then. I’m not the type to give up, so that’s what has gotten us here. There’s a difference in my allowing myself to give up on my hopes and dreams for a peaceful and fulfilling marriage, and giving up on the marriage. It makes a huge difference on my son’s life.
 
I’d suggest both of you reading “The Five Love Languages”. I highly recommend this book. It might help him figure out what he should be doing on his own rather than making you spell it out for him. It might also help you to understand where he’s coming from. While I don’t consider us to have a bad marriage, it really helped us hit the mark and stop spinning our wheels.
 
First, yes there is hope. Do not give up. If you can, go to confession and go before the Blessed Sacrament as often as you
can.
As I was reading the posts, it occurred to me that your husband
needs to learn how to be a husband and a father! Being a “real” man in God’s eyes not ours. I thought of a ministry that came
out on EWTN that was geared toward helping men be better
fathers (and in the process, better husbands). The ministry is
by a convert who also wrote an article entitled “How I led Catholics
out of the Church.” He was a minister before he converted. Saying
all this, I’m hoping someone out there can remember his name and the name of the program. Is is St. Joseph Covenant Keepers? It would be an indirect way and maybe the manliness
of it would appeal to him. Being a better father and seeing men
who are doing it as good Catholics. I know they have a website so
I will keep looking for it and maybe someone will know who I’m
talking about.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
TexCatholic4JMJ,

I looked up St. Joseph’s Covenent Keepers. I followed a link from their website and found exactly what we need!

marriagerecovery.com/

They call is transformative mediation instead of marriage counseling. It requires the couples to meet with a mediator, a counselor, and a spiritual director regularly over the course of six months. It doesn’t expect you to put the past behind but instead explores the past and looks for a way to change the future. It also said they wouldn’t leave us alone to fail the communication part like normal counseling. They stress the importance of personal choice, of daily prayer, and of having virtue and character. It is everything all rolled up into one!

They have a chart comparing transformative mediation with regular counseling on their website. marriagerecovery.com/base.cgim?template=table

Of course, it isn’t in my area. I’m going to see if there is something similar around here. As I read their website, it resonated with me that this is what we are needing. Thank you!
 
Miss Mary Mack,

Have you ever heard of a book called “How to Change your Husband”? (Or something like that) The title may sound controlling, but the book is really about turning everything over to the Lord in prayer and trusting in Him. I cannot recall the name of the author, but I believe it is published by TAN. I will let you know if I find the author’s name.

Also, I am very sorry to hear about your priest. May I encourage you to pray for him? It sounds like he desperately needs it - and think how many souls he could bring with him if he were to repent!
 
Sorry, the publisher is Caritas, and the author is “A friend of Medjugorje”.
 
I have not heard of that book but appreciate the recommendation.

I do pray for our priest daily and regularly fast for him. When I think of all my husband could do if he started living in accordance with God’s will for him, I think of how much of a positive change it would have on others. When I think of all the priest could do if he continues not living in accordance with God’s will for him, I think of how much of a negative change it would have on others. I already know of so many who have left the Catholic Church after seeking his counsel. People who asked for his blessing and thank him for his role in their conversions away from the Church. I am fearful for the souls of so many others, my husband and son included, if he does not start following the will of God.

As for my husband, he looked at that website for that marriage recovery program. He said it gave him hope. He wants the sweep it under the rug approach and likes that marriage counseling does that, so he was sceptical. Negative, really. When he read it, he said he felt like he would be able to effectively deal with the past in that atmosphere with someone to guide it. He’s searching for anything close to us. So far there is someone 4 hours away who works only in the commercial sector. He’s taken on the responsibility of researching it and expects to have answers by Friday at the latest. I’m praying we can figure something out! I’m a little excited.
 
See? He has feelings! After all you had said about him and his attitude, I started thinking your husband was a robot. If he’s showing interest in this thing you found, pray to God that he follows thru! When I found Retrouvaille, I didn’t think my husband would’ve wanted it. At first he was skeptical, but when I got a call back from Retrouvaille, he agreed to go, he was looking forward to it a bit, even though he said he was only doing it for me. Now he does it for himself too. 😃

My prayers are with you and your family. I hope you guys find a way to fix things between the two of you!
 
yessisan,

Lol! Sometimes I wonder myself!

So far, no luck on finding anything close-by. I started to really dig around last night and I stopped myself. My husband is more than capable of looking. He decided to email the people in Maryland today to ask if they have any recommendations.

I’ve also wondered what we’ll do about the spiritual direction part. There is a marriage counselor about 15 minutes away we can go to, but we aren’t finding a close mediator and we all know our problems with the priest. We drive into the city about once every 3-4 weeks right now. With the price of gas, we can’t handle 3 times a week. I am strangely calm about it. I feel if it is going to work then it will work with or without my worrying.

I’ll keep you updated. Thank you for the continued prayers. I know it is what is allowing me to have such peace and acceptance right now.
 
As for my husband, he looked at that website for that marriage recovery program. He said it gave him hope. He wants the sweep it under the rug approach and likes that marriage counseling does that, so he was sceptical. Negative, really. When he read it, he said he felt like he would be able to effectively deal with the past in that atmosphere with someone to guide it. He’s searching for anything close to us. So far there is someone 4 hours away who works only in the commercial sector. He’s taken on the responsibility of researching it and expects to have answers by Friday at the latest. I’m praying we can figure something out! I’m a little excited.

I’ll pray for you too! Maybe this is the answer to all those prayers! But no matter what happens, remember that sometimes it takes a while for the answer we want from our prayers. I just keep in mind St. Monica who prayed endlessly for years for St. Augustine when it seems like God isn’t listening to my prayers. Remember, “knock, and you and shall receive”. Don’t give up!
 
You have heard this so many times: “Keep the faith!” I recognize that your faith is very good and all I can say is to do what ever it takes to make your faith stronger because the stronger the faith, the greater the hope. And that hope comes from God because He will smile upon all who has a faith built on a solid foundation. You have tremendous support here in the forum. You are not alone and God will bring you though all this. Because of your great faith, you will trust and believe and leave it to God and be obedient to His will. Your faith must be stronger than that of Moses if you want to enter into the “Promised Land” you seek. God is the only one that you can give your trust fully and never be afraid that the trust will be broken.
 
Miss Mary,
I sympathize with your situatiton. It is heartbreaking. I do believe, however, that prayer (constant prayer) can change something bad into something good. I have had experience in this department. Just hangin’ in there. Perhaps see a Catholic therapist you can trust. Get some help for YOURSELF. Never him (the husband). God’ll be the only one to change him, not you. Good luck and I will pray the Rosary for you.🙂
 
Thank you again Deacon Dad. I don’t think my faith is stronger than Moses’. He saw and spoke to God! I hope and pray that God can use a broken and sinful person like me to achieve His will as he has done so many times in the past. I don’t think many of us would have much hope if that weren’t the case. Your post reminds me of an email that circulated a year or two ago.

Isaac was a daydreamer.
Jacob was a liar.
Leah was ugly.
Joseph was abused.
Jeremiah was too young.
Abraham was too old.
Elijah was suicidal.
Isaiah preached naked.
John was self-righteous.
David’s armor didn’t fit.
Zaccheus was too small.
Solomon was too rich.
Amos’ only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Job went bankrupt.
Timothy had ulcers.
Moses stuttered.
John Mark was rejected by Paul.
Rahab was a prostitute.
Hosea’s wife was, too.
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once.
Naomi was a widow.
David was an adulterer.
He was a murderer, too.
Saul was a murderer.
So was Moses.
Jonah ran from God.
Miriam was a gossip.
Gideon and Thomas both doubted.
Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal.
Elijah was burned out.
John the Baptist was a loudmouth.
Martha was a worrywart.
Mary was lazy.
Samson had long hair.
Noah got drunk.
Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse?
Peter was afraid of death.
Lazarus was dead.
And if God can use all of them, He can surely use you.

I know of God’s plans for my family. I know what we can become. That is part of what is so difficult for me to accept. My husband is rejecting God’s plans for us and setting about doing his own. How can I have peace when he does that?

Apologist, you are right. It is only through prayer. I can not change my husband. I can only pray for guidance and allow the Holy Spirit to use me to bring about God’s will. Ironically enough, Father offered some unsolicited advice this weekend. He thinks my marriage’s fundamental problem is that I pray too much for my husband. I have no qualms about stating that I know God’s will for mine and my husband’s lives is to bring about our’s and our childrens’ salvation through the married vocation we entered into. I am not going to apologize for that. I am never going to stop praying that His will be done in our lives.

When I am the only one doing it, and I am persecuted for doing it, it makes me lonely. When the persecution comes from a priest of God, it makes me worry. I also have ulcers and despair. I doubt. I get lazy and depressed. I’ve been rejected. I’ve even found myself daydreaming a time or two. I pray that despite my many flaws, God will bless our marriage and use it to bring about His Kingdom.

What more is there for me to do but wait and pray?
 
These are a few verses which resonate within me.

**Psalms 25:5 ** Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.

**Psalms 25:21 ** Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.

**Psalms 27:14 ** Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

**Psalms 37:7 ** Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

**Psalms 37:9 ** For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.

**Psalms 37:34 ** Wait on the LORD, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee to inherit the land: when the wicked are cut off, thou shalt see it.

**Psalms 46:10 ** Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

**Psalms 62:5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. **

**Psalms 69:3 I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. **

**Psalms 130:5 I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. **

**Psalms 130:6 ** My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.

**Isaiah 25:9 ** And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.

**Isaiah 33:2 ** O LORD, be gracious unto us; we have waited for thee: be thou their arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of trouble.

**Isaiah 40:31 ** But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

**Isaiah 59:9 ** Therefore is judgment far from us, neither doth justice overtake us: we wait for light, but behold obscurity; for brightness, but we walk in darkness.

**Isaiah 64:4 ** For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him.

**Jeremiah 14:22 ** Are there any among the vanities of the Gentiles that can cause rain? or can the heavens give showers? art not thou he, O LORD our God? therefore we will wait upon thee: for thou hast made all these things.

**Lamentations 3:25 ** The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

**Lamentations 3:26 ** It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

**Hosea 12:6 ** Therefore turn thou to thy God: keep mercy and judgment, and wait on thy God continually.

**Micah 7:7 ** Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.

Romans 8:25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

**2 Thessalonians 3:5 ** And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God, and into the patient waiting for Christ.
 
I did not read through all the posts . . . but if you haven’t already, please get yourself to a counselor and talk. My husband suffers from various issues and having a counselor of my own has been invaluable!

You can only change yourself; you can’t change your husband. Make the changes you need to make. If your husband is not on board . . . oh well. —KCT
 
Question here - when was the last time you did something fun with your husband? What were the things you liked to do when you were courting?

Did you dance - then put the kids in bed and put on something you’d wear to go out, put the stereo out on the porch, pop a bottle of wine and dance with your husband.

Did you like sports? Take him to a game this weekend (if little league is all that is in your town, then go to little league).

Did you like movies? Well, go to the library and rent some doozies - move the TV and DVD player out to the porch and pretend you are at the drive-in again.

Find some fun again!
 
Kage_Ar,

I’ve tried that. We did little when we were dating but spend time talking for hours. I have difficulty getting him to talk in complete sentences now.

We’ve returned to the restaurant where we had our first date. There was no joy and no life.

We’ve watched movies together again. I’ve never felt further from him. There aren’t too many movies out there without love scenes, either. That’s awkward and painful. To make matters worse, when I do such things, he thinks that everything is fine again and he manages to be more of a jerk because he isn’t “on his guard” so to speak.

We’ve tried to come up with new things to do instead. We read aloud. I forget he’s there and feel completely alone. We go out riding in the car to explore and end up the same way. We’ve gone to plays or concerts. It is like I am there by myself, with an added weight to carry around.

This is not a matter of having lost that romantic feeling. Doing those things only hurts me more because it brings home in a particularly painful way how much I am missing. Just thinking about it now has me in tears.

Once we begin to heal, that will be good advice. We need to get there first.

My husband was hopeful about that marriage recovery program and I really allowed myself to have some hope about it, too. By the time the weekend was over, he didn’t see the need in it. He was excusing everything away again. He made some particularly painful decisions today that lanced open some old wounds that have never been able to heal. It is hard to want to spend time enjoying his company when his presence brings me such pain.
 
MissMaryMack said:
Thank you again Deacon Dad. I don’t think my faith is stronger than Moses’. He saw and spoke to God! I hope and pray that God can use a broken and sinful person like me to achieve His will as he has done so many times in the past. I don’t think many of us would have much hope if that weren’t the case. Your post reminds me of an email that circulated a year or two ago.

Isaac was a daydreamer.
Jacob was a liar.
Leah was ugly.
Joseph was abused.
Jeremiah was too young.
Abraham was too old.
Elijah was suicidal.
Isaiah preached naked.
John was self-righteous.
David’s armor didn’t fit.
Zaccheus was too small.
Solomon was too rich.
Amos’ only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Job went bankrupt.
Timothy had ulcers.
Moses stuttered.
John Mark was rejected by Paul.
Rahab was a prostitute.
Hosea’s wife was, too.
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once.
Naomi was a widow.
David was an adulterer.
He was a murderer, too.
Saul was a murderer.
So was Moses.
Jonah ran from God.
Miriam was a gossip.
Gideon and Thomas both doubted.
Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal.
Elijah was burned out.
John the Baptist was a loudmouth.
Martha was a worrywart.
Mary was lazy.
Samson had long hair.
Noah got drunk.
Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse?
Peter was afraid of death.
Lazarus was dead.
And if God can use all of them, He can surely use you.

I know of God’s plans for my family. I know what we can become. That is part of what is so difficult for me to accept. My husband is rejecting God’s plans for us and setting about doing his own. How can I have peace when he does that?

Apologist, you are right. It is only through prayer. I can not change my husband. I can only pray for guidance and allow the Holy Spirit to use me to bring about God’s will. Ironically enough, Father offered some unsolicited advice this weekend. He thinks my marriage’s fundamental problem is that I pray too much for my husband. I have no qualms about stating that I know God’s will for mine and my husband’s lives is to bring about our’s and our childrens’ salvation through the married vocation we entered into. I am not going to apologize for that. I am never going to stop praying that His will be done in our lives.

When I am the only one doing it, and I am persecuted for doing it, it makes me lonely. When the persecution comes from a priest of God, it makes me worry. I also have ulcers and despair. I doubt. I get lazy and depressed. I’ve been rejected. I’ve even found myself daydreaming a time or two. I pray that despite my many flaws, God will bless our marriage and use it to bring about His Kingdom.

What more is there for me to do but wait and pray?
Click to expand...
 
Moses didn’t make it to the “promised Land” because he doubted God, even though he saw and talked to God. I was referring to having doubt that occurs even if one has faith.As I mentioned, prayer, perseverance and patience. God will respond to your prayers especially when they are offered with a humble, pure and holy spirit.You have to trust and believe that God is in control and will make things right according to his will.
As for your pastor, I hear what you have said, however; if you want to make a complaint, then get a witness or two, to go with you and personally talk to the Bishop.
 
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