Is there hope for a dead marriage?

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Deacon Dad,

Which two people in my parish do you suggest I go to, tell about my marital problems, tell about the bad response he’s given, share that I am jealous of the relationship he’s formed with my husband as he’s undermined my own marriage, share their personal confidences to prove that Father also is talking about them behind their backs, and encourage them to come with me to complain to the bishop?

What good will it do me when my husband will oppose me and defend the priest?

I want a husband. Only when I have that can the rest be put in order. If my husband went to some of the men of the parish we know have been hurt, and he shared with them that he supported them, then how he knew about what is going on would come up. Father told him all of it. That Father is gossiping, giving poor counsel, not willing to accept responsibility, opposed to anyone who does not agree with him, along with everything else he’s done would create a unity in the parish and people would be happy for my husband to lead them to the bishop. My husband needs to be the leader. Without his support, I would only hurt myself and my marriage more.
 
MissMaryMack said:
Deacon Dad,

Which two people in my parish do you suggest I go to, tell about my marital problems, tell about the bad response he’s given, share that I am jealous of the relationship he’s formed with my husband as he’s undermined my own marriage, share their personal confidences to prove that Father also is talking about them behind their backs, and encourage them to come with me to complain to the bishop?

What good will it do me when my husband will oppose me and defend the priest?

I want a husband. Only when I have that can the rest be put in order. If my husband went to some of the men of the parish we know have been hurt, and he shared with them that he supported them, then how he knew about what is going on would come up. Father told him all of it. That Father is gossiping, giving poor counsel, not willing to accept responsibility, opposed to anyone who does not agree with him, along with everything else he’s done would create a unity in the parish and people would be happy for my husband to lead them to the bishop. My husband needs to be the leader. Without his support, I would only hurt myself and my marriage more.
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Please forgive me here, I do not mean to sound argumentative but how does remaining quiet help your marriage?
You are saying that there are many people in this parish who this Priest is hurting. I am at a loss to understand why they need your husband to go to The Bishop. Why does he need to be the leader? what am I missing here? This Priest sounds totally toxic so why are you NOT doing whatever you can to get him removed from your life.

You have to pray to let go and put your marriage in God’s hands, Seems like you are controlling the outcome of it by saying you can’t do this or this will happen. You can’t do that or that will happen, you don’t know what will happen, only God knows that.

I don’t see how this Priest remaining where he is can in any way be helping to your marriage, Not only your marriage but his soul and many other souls are in great danger by him remaining he needs to be removed. And needs many prayers
 
Nordar,

It isn’t helping, that’s for sure!

If I went to my fellow parishioners and I told them “My husband and I have been having these problems and Father’s been doing this, that, and the other…” my husband and Father would both deny it. I would look like a fool. Both would share selected stories about me to make me look bad. No one would support me. I’m far worse off than when I started. I’ve been down this road and know it to be true. That’s why I AM doing everything I can, just taking a different approach.

I’ve already been to the bishop. He isn’t going to do anything based on my word alone. My husband doesn’t need to be the one to go to the bishop, but there are few in the parish who could rally unity and who know what is going on with Father. There are 5 people in the parish that he “confides” in. Out of those 5, I was one but am not any longer. My husband is one. 1 Father has a love/hate relationship with. He’s a coward who would never do it, but if he would he would be effective. 2 are hated by a few of Father’s key opponents and could not rally support even if they weren’t so fiercely loyal and hush-hush. Father intentionally chose people who were not in the middle of parish life, but who were outcasts. He is abusing his authority and manipulating the weak. His attention had the unintended effect of bringing my husband into the parish’s view. He’s now their golden boy and all love him. Father’s backed off a lot, but still has such an unhealthy need that it seems he can’t help himself from calling my husband up to vent or complain or ask advice or ask for help. What he says is more monitered now. He confines himself to complaining about specific families, making jokes about me, and complaining about the parish as a whole. My husband still doesn’t see the inappropriateness except in brief moments of claarity and would not support me were I to do anything publicly.

The bishop won’t listen to me saying the same thing again, especially with my husband actively opposing me, and it would ruin my marriage. You think I should throw away my marriage on the off-chance that the bishop will miraculously do something different after I try the same approach again? I think my job is to work on my marriage because when my husband comes out of this fog he’s wandering around in, he can be a real catalyst for change.

Things were hopeful last Friday. My husband saw the inappropriateness and agreed he needed to act. By Sunday, he was trivializing it again and wasn’t wanting to cause problems. Today, he didn’t see the problem. He is so weak and in need of a strong, holy example. Please pray for us all.
 
I asked you to find one or more witnesses that feel the same way as you do about the priest and then and only then go with them to the proper authority that will listen to all of you. I didn’t say you had to tell your husband and I didn’t say you should tell anyone in the parish about your marital problems. But seek out people who feel that the priest is not doing the job he should be doing and then go to the authority that can do something about the problem. I hope you DO NOT speak ill of the priest to the members of your parish but get opinions from members as to how they perceive your priest. If you find others who feel that the priest is lacking as you deem that he is, then you have support to voice this to higher authorities of the diocese.
I have been reading all the response to you and all the people are praying for you and offering great words of encouragement. Please take these to heart and truly ponder all that is being said to you. You are loved!!
 
I am seconding what Deacon is saying, there has to one or two other people in your Parish if this Priest is all you are saying he is who are aware of how dangerous he is. I am praying for all of you, it just seems so absurd to me that this man is being allowed so much control over people! I really do feel for you!
 
To give further emphasis to the need of two or more witnesses when making accusations against a priest, may I refer you to 1 Timothy chapter 5 verse 19. And please refrain from ill talk (bad-mouthing) a priest unless you have others who will support you.
 
Another word on my “fun” post… you mentioned not feeling romance or romantic. Fun can just be fun. Fun is something that you can have with your friends, family or even with strangers. There has to be some kind of fun that you can have together. A squirt gun fight with your kids - making foudue for supper - again - dancing (look at it as FUN, not as some romantic moment).

The impression I get here is that life in your household pivots on pain and lack of romantic love. Remember, love is a decision we make. Romance is overrated - life is not a romance novel or a squishy movie.

Some married people get romance every now and then, some do not. Marriage is so much more than romance.

Last week EWTN showed one of Fulton J. Sheen’s programs on three kinds of love. Check the web site and see if it is available for replay -
 
Thanks Kage_ar. I will check the EWTN site. I know what you mean about the differences between romance and fun and I was responding to it. It is painful to try to have fun for several reasons. First, I have to ignore the great hurt and pain my husband continues to excuse away. Second, my husband thinks if I am having fun that it means I’m over everything and he is scott free. He then treats me even meaner. Third, my husband resists having any type of fun with me and won’t laugh or converse. Sometimes he gets mad at me for trying. For instance, my son and I were tickling while my husband watched. I whispered to my son to tickle Daddy’s feet. When he did, my husband jerked his feet back like a ticklish person would and my son squeled with joy and went to do it again. My husband got an angry look on his face, stood up, and walked away. My son was upset and thought he did something wrong. I was angry that he had done that to my son when we were only having fun. He was mad at whatever. I don’t think it had anything to do with what was going on and he was probably mad from something else from two days before. It was all a real downer and sent a clear message to me that it isn’t worth it to try to have fun. It is hard to set things like that aside constantly to try again.

Deacon Dad, there are at least 15 people I know of who have expressed strong disapproval for Father’s decisions. The reason I know about all of them are because Father has told me about them and his plans to run them out of the parish. Father has made a climate of distrust and disunity, so people are not talking among themselves about what is going on except with their closest friends. I know 6 of them are angry enough to do something about it if someone would rally them. If I did it, my husband would support Father. It would end any hope for my marriage. I can’t take that chance right now while I’m walking on egg shells hoping beyond hope that these slight cracks in his armor will allow his defenses to drop long enough to get us the help we need. I am worried about the salvation of others. My husband and my son especially. My husband needs to accept the authority of a holy and strong man who can guide him in the faith before he’ll be able to deal with any big decisions like going to the bishop. He’s agreed twice now that he needs this, and then decided later that he doesn’t need it. One time he said he could take care of it himself, the other time he said I needed to be the one to do. You and I both know that neither he nor I need to be his spiritual director. We’re having this discussion again today. Please pray for us.
 
Here is a book that I feel is a great asset to any Catholic family that I highly recommend:
The Catholic Family Handbook, By Fr. Lawrence G Lovasik, published by the Sophia Institute Press, box 5284, Manchester, N. H. 034108. Phone 1-800-888-9344.
This book tells how to strengthen your marriage and raise good Catholic kids! It gives all the faithful Catholics all the ingredients of a stable and loving Catholic marriage—ingredients that are in danger of being lost in our turbulent age.
Using scripture and Church teachings in an easy to follow step-by-step format. the author helps you to understand the proper role of the Catholic Father and Mother and the blessings of having large families. . He shows you how you can secure happiness in marriage and raise children in a truly, Catholic way.
This is a “must” book for any and all who want to strengthen their marriage and guide their children into a strong Catholic faith. I hope you read this book and really pay attention to what Fr. Lovasik has to say.
Peace, love a joy to you .
 
MissMaryMack said:
I’ve personally talked to the bishop. He has major issues he’s dealing with and can’t be bothered. He is also concerned about the priest and is handling him with kid gloves hoping he won’t apostatize. When I said that he’s undermining my marriage by being friends with my husband, the bishop sympathized and suggested we not be close to him, but it was obvious that he was thinking to himself “I’ve got this huge issue to deal with over here, and you want me to do something about your priest being friends with your husband?” He was sympathetic and polite, but he wasn’t going to do anything radical. I know the priest is depressed, but he needs a psychologist, not my husband.

The priest was nasty to me about two weeks later. He made a point of telling me a story he’s repeated often about the bishop calling him into his office about a letter of complaint he’d received, reading the letter to him, sharing with him who the anonymous letter was from, doing nothing about it including not telling him to stop doing what all agree was wrong, and sent him on his way. The message was clear that he was telling me he could get away with whatever he wants. It seemed to me like the bishop had said something to him, but not enough to let him know who said what to instigate it. So he was guessing who might have said something and making the rounds to the likely suspects to warn them off of telling the bishop and letting us know he isn’t afraid of the bishop. I know that isn’t true, though.
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Mary:

Please talk with his Bishop again, and this time tell the Bishop that he’s breaking up your marriage!

Mary, the Bishop couldn’t do anything (I know, because I’ve dealt with a couple of Bishops), because you gave him nothing he could do anything about - You told him that the priest was inappropriately befriending your husband, not destroying your marriage!

Please tell the Bishop the whole truth, that the priest has completely changed your husband and destroyed your mariage, which he actually can, and must, act on.

If nothing else, this will remove one negative influence from the situation.

Your Brother in Christ, Michael
 
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