Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
 
A couple from London decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left London and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and as there was a computer in his room, he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…somewhere in Manchester, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a clergyman of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen and the open email which read:
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To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 27 Feb 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS Sure is hot down here!
 
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A Trappist joke (told to me while at Mount Saint Bernard Abbey; Leicester; UK):

Like all Benedictines we have a Rule of Silence. But every Easter our Novice Master allows just one of his charges to say a few words on Abbey life. On the first year it was Brother Matthew’s turn: ‘I really love it here,’ he said. ‘The companionship is wonderful, and the spirituality awesome. I’m sorry to say, however, that the food is terrible. It is easily the worst I’ve ever had to endure.’

On the second year the turn fell to Brother Mark: ‘I agree with Brother Matthew that the companionship is wonderful, and the spirituality awesome. But I really do have to take him to task about the food. It is truly wonderful. Easily the very best it has ever been my good fortune to eat.’

On the third year, Brother Luke stepped forward: ‘I also love it here, Father’, he said. ‘But what really gets my goat is this constant bickering over food!’
 
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the assistant . He can see from her badge that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £10,000 loan to take a holiday”

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure, I have this”, and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright, pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral”.

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?!”

The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan - his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
 
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked. (wnd.com)
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An elderly couple walk hand in hand into a fast food restaurant one cold winter evening.

They look out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers look admiringly at them.

“There’s a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!” one of the on-lookers comments to his friends.

Meanwhile the little old man walks up to the cash register, places his order with no hesitation and pays for their meal.

The couple take a table near the back wall and start taking food off of the tray.

There is one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counts out the French fries, divides them in two piles and neatly places one pile in front of his wife.

He then takes a sip of the drink and his wife does likewise, setting the cup down between them.

As the man begins to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd of youngsters begin to feel sorry for the couple. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them,” one of them remarks.

Finally, as the man tucks into his pile of French fries, one young man from the group approaches the old couples’ table and politely offers to buy them another meal.

“We’re just fine,” replies the old man. “We’re used to sharing everything.”

Satisfied, the young man returns to his table but when one of his friends remarks , “But look, the old lady hasn’t even taken a bite. She’s just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.”

So once more the young man goes over and this time he begs them to let him buy them something to eat.

“No, we’re fine, honestly. We’re used to sharing everything,” says the old lady as the little old man finishes eating and she wipes his face neatly with a napkin.

The young man can stand it no longer and after being politely refused again he finally plucks up the courage to confront the old lady.

“Excuse me madam, but why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything, but you haven’t touched any of your food? What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered…“The teeth.”
 
Once upon a time , there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them but they had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice, and soon after they got married.

On his birthday , a few months later , on the way home from work his car broke down, and , since they lived in the country , he phoned his wife to say that he would be a few hours late because he would have to walk home. On the way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to go, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. By the time he left, he’d had three extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home, he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seem excited. “Darling, I’ve got the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She then put a blindfold on him and led him into the dining room to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one brewing. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the telephone.
Whilst she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg, ‘parrrp’, and let one go. Not only was it loud, it was ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and, ‘rrriipppp!’ It sounded like a lumpy diesel engine turning over on a cold morning, and smelled even worse. To refrain from gagging, he tried waving his arms around a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt the urge coming back once again.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner: the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned into the conversation in the hallway , and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them about with his napkin.

When he heard the telephone farewells, (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and placed his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was a picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked him if he had been peeking at the dinner. After assuring her that he hadn’t, she removed the blindfold and yelled “SURPRISE!!!”

But to his surprise and horror , there were the twelve dinner guests seated around the dinner table for his surprise birthday party.
 
haha lol
good one
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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you” the lawyer said.

“But sir. I have a wife and two children with me.They are over there, under that tree”.

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”
 
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

‘In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.’

‘Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.’

‘Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.’

‘Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.’

‘Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.’

‘The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.’

‘Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.’

‘Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.’

‘Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.’

‘The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.’

‘The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.’

‘The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.’

‘Moses died before he ever reached Canada.’

‘Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.’

‘The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.’

‘David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.’

‘Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.’

‘When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.’

‘When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.’

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.’

‘St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.’

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.’

‘He also explained, “A man doth not live by sweat alone.”’

‘It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.’

‘The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.’

‘The epistles were the wives of the apostles.’

‘One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.’

‘St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.’

‘A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.’
 
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her
speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently. Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need.” she says.

“Oh, really?” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles… “The airbag.”
 
Two elderly couples are finishing dinner at one of their houses. The two women take the plates into the kitchen and start cleaning up. The two men sit and chat.

The first man says, “We went to a new restaurant last week, and we really enjoyed it.”

Other man says, “Oh? What was its name?”

First man, scratching head, “Well,…uh…mmm…sigh…hmmm…well…” He says, “What is the name of that flower…?”

Other man says, “Daisy, foxglove,…”

First man says, “No, no–it’s red.”

Other man, “Petunia, geranium,…”

First man says, “No, no, it has thorns. You give it to someone you love.”

Other man says, “Rose.”

First man goes “Yeah…yeah…” He leans back in his chair and yells into the kitchen, “Hey, Rose…What was the name of that restaurant we liked?”
 
ShastaRose said:
Two elderly couples are finishing dinner at one of their houses. The two women take the plates into the kitchen and start cleaning up. The two men sit and chat.

The first man says, “We went to a new restaurant last week, and we really enjoyed it.”

Other man says, “Oh? What was its name?”

First man, scratching head, “Well,…uh…mmm…sigh…hmmm…well…” He says, “What is the name of that flower…?”

Other man says, “Daisy, foxglove,…”

First man says, “No, no–it’s red.”

Other man, “Petunia, geranium,…”

First man says, “No, no, it has thorns. You give it to someone you love.”

Other man says, “Rose.”

First man goes “Yeah…yeah…” He leans back in his chair and yells into the kitchen, “Hey, Rose…What was the name of that restaurant we liked?”
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😀😀😀
 
There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp.

He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless.

While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt.

POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, “All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”

The surprised man said, “OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”

The genie replied with a smirk, “Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”

The man said, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four? "
 
Some words of wisdom
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’s gone every weekend.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Give a fish a man and it eats for like a month.
Give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.
Specialty on Confucious now.

He who wants hot nurse must be patient.
He who runs in back of car gets exhausted.
He who runs in front of car gets tired,
He who lives in glass house, should change in basement.
He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.
He who goes to bed with itchy butt, wakes up with smelly finger.
He who is late to cannibal dinner gets the cold shoulder.
He who cuts self shaving loses face.
He who slings mud loses ground.
He who sneezes into palm, takes matter into own hands.
He who runs off cliffs, jumps to conclusions.
And perhaps the most practical,

He who fart in church sits in own pew.
 
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Husband and wife … sitting on the deck … having a glass of wine …

Wife says, “I love you so much I don’t know how I could live without you.”

Husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”
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(wnd.com)
 
An elderly man is at the doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “I’m pretty sure my wife has a hearing loss but she won’t get tested. What can I do?”
The doctor replies, “Well, try saying something at various distances, getting closer until she hears you.”
The man takes this to heart and goes home. There he sees his wife sitting in a chair. From 20 feet away he asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No reply. She didn’t hear him. He moves to fifteen feet. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again no reply. She still didn’t hear him. He moves to ten feet. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no reply. He moves to five feet. “Honey, what’s for dinner.”
No reply. She’s gotta be deaf. He stands in front of her, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
His wife looks up at him and replies, “For fifth time already, meatloaf!”
 
YeeeeeHaaaaah…said the horse as he whipped his favorite human into action and rode down the hill.

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