Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you doing there, Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your darned cat!”
 
Did you hear about the little boy that established an authoritarian regime at an Idaho potato farm? He’s a dictater tot.
I’d tell you a joke about cookies, but it’s crumby.
The joke about Wisconsin is cheesing.
And the joke about Southern Illinois is corny.
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
That neigh-borly pony I liked to say “Hay” to got a sore throat and is a little horse.
Want to hear a joke? So would I.
A man is at the doctor when the doctor turns to him and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re dying. The time you have left is only 10-”
“Ten what!” the man interjects, “Years? Months?”
The doctor continues, “6. 5. 4…”
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is called and the duck is released into a nearby pond.
Tom: Why is ‘6’ afraid of ‘7’?
Mark: ‘6’ is a number and as such is incapable of having feelings, just like any concept that exists only in our minds, you dumb dumb.
Did you hear about the toddler that refused to take a nap? He was jailed for resisting a rest.
The way to hurt Lady Gaga is to Poker Face.
If human food has calories, does jedi food have midicalories?
What do call a cow with one leg?
Steak.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean meat.

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow that failed a jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
 
A priest, an imam, and a rabbi are talking one day when they realize that it’s easy to go an convert a human, but that the true test of who could really lead someone to conversion would be to convert a bear. So they agree to a contest and set out into the woods. A while later they meet up once more.

The goes first and says, “Well there I was in the woods by the river when I saw a bear. And it was fierce, charging me in the water. But I grabbed hold there and baptized the bear in that river and lo and behold, it was docile as a lamb. He makes first communion next week.”

The imam says, “I too was in the woods when I saw a bear and it charged me. But I got down on my prayer rug and by the time it reached me, it was gentle as can be. It’s coming to the mosque this weekend.”

The rabbi, in a full body cast, says, “In retrospect, it was not wise to start with circumcision.”
 
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin’ on that string. It’ll come back to ya’!!! "
 
Cecilia_Dympna said:
Two priests were determined to make their holiday in Hawaii a really good time by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ topless blonde came walking straight towards them … They couldn’t help but stare at her.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father John, Good Morning, Father Michael,’ nodding and then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

One of the priests couldn’t understand it so he said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied, ‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen’ …
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That’s one of the best . 😀
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said , “Look friend, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
 
A priest visits an Indian medicine man. They decide to go fishing on a lake. While out, the medicine man’s line starts moving and he feels in his catch near the boat, but it gets caught. The priest looks on in awe as the medicine man steps out of the boat onto the lake, gets the fish unstuck, and steps back into the boat with his catch.
The priest thinks to himself that if the medicine man could walk on water,surely he, a priest, could do so too. So when his line gets a nibble, he steps out the boat to go get it and immediately falls into the lake. After the medicine man pulls him back in he says, “I had no idea your faith was so strong.”
The medicine man replies, “It is not so much a matter of faith as it is knowing where the rocks are.”
 
michaelArc said:
I remember my very first joke I learned from a book, after I was old enough to comprehend them …
What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
Finding half of a worm in an apple. 🤣
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Speaking of learning jokes from a written source, it took me a year to figure this one out after reading it in a Boy’s Life.

Warped Wiseman says there are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can’t.

I kept trying to figure out what the third kind was. 🤣
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I must admit, I had to google that one because I didn’t get it. 🤔
 
You’ll have to keep reading and rereading it for year like I did. 😈

He said there are three kinds and listed two. So which category does he fall in?
 
One day, the devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance. I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here.”

“True,” snickered the devil. “But I have all the umpires.”
(wnd)
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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”
wnd
Click to expand...
 
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, “Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?”

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss!”

And the Lord said, “You’ve done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?”

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
 
Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, “Linda honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”

“No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been having these encounters for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”
 
A Liverpudlian was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.‘Who’s he?’ said the Liverpudlian. ‘That’s the Memory Man.’ said the bartender. ‘He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.’ So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks ‘Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’. ‘Liverpool’ replies the Memory Man. ‘Who did they beat?’ ‘Leeds’ was the reply. ‘And the score?’ ‘2-1’ ‘Who scored the winning goal?’ ‘Ian St. John’ was the old man’s reply. The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the Liverpudlian decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting ‘How’. The Memory man replied…‘Diving header in the six yard box’.
 
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm, with a nice pond in the back 40 acres.

It was fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

Upon nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made some noise so the women would be aware of his presence.

When they heard the farmer, all the young ladies retreated to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned. “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
 
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!” he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells…
"How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the table, it was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag yourselves out of bed , and grace Mummy Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence . Listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time…

“I HAVEN’T MADE THE DARNED PORRIDGE YET!!”
 
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