Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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Man it’s been hot. It is so hot, I was driving down the street and I saw that Burger King changed its motto to " If you want it your way, cook it yourself!" That’s how hot it is.

But that’s nothing. It’s so hot the Jehovah Witnesses gave up going door to door and started telemarketing.
 
A husband rolled in sozzled on Christmas Eve, and was in big trouble when he forgot to get a Christmas present for his wife.

His wife told him, “Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat.”

The next day, on Christmas morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday .
 
A man is at work and he starts messing around with some dangerous machines.

By accident he chops his hand off.

So his friend says, “Come on, we’ve got to get you to the hospital.” So he puts the hand in a plastic bag and off they go.

Next day this guy is back in to work and his mate says, “What happened? I thought you’d lost your hand?” and he says, “No, it’s ths new micro-surgery. It’s great. It’s as good as new.”

So he starts messing around by the machines again and this time he cuts his arm off.

His mate says, “Come on, let’s get you down to the hospital.” and he gets his arm and puts it in a plastic bag and off they go.

Next day, back into work again and he says “This micro surgery is absolutely brilliant.”

He starts messing around by the machines again but this time his whole head comes off.

His friends puts the head in a plastic bag and takes him down to the hospital again.

Next day he doesn’t show up.

His mate wonders what happened.

The boss says “Oh, didn’t you hear? He died.”

His mate says, “What about this new micro surgery? Couldn’t they do it this time?”

The boss says “Oh yeah, they could have done the op but he’d already suffocated from being in the plastic bag.”
 
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times, owned four Chryslers and voted for Obama … .twice.”
 
Oh goodness,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for thirty years!”
 
There were two nuns…

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me .

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
 
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man.

"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

“Go away!” said the old woman. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

In addition, with that, he emptied a bag of ashes and dirt onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of the ashes and dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
 
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention …”
 
Some important questions…

Why do we drive and parkways and park on driveways?

If vampires can’t be in the sun, why does moon light, reflected sunlight, not hurt?

Before the age of gunpowder, was Church law called catapult law?

Why the platypus?

If “sham” means “fake,” why do we use shampoo?
 
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with a small job after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the small job , Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, and that it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a try. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”
 
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case.
Man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Man: She is going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover.”
 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment , it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week…well a good few weeks back actually …well in 1996 to be honest .

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote ‘The Hokey Cokey’ , died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.
 
this is not the original joke, lol, the original goes exactly like this except its horse manure, not ashes,
 
A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a pack of Stella and puts them into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife

“They’re on offer, only £16 for 24 cans”, he says

“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife , and they carry on shopping…

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man,

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says.

The man replies…

"SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT’S HALF THE DARNED PRICE ! "
 
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘CRAZY’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was ‘CRAZY’ and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked ‘What are you doing?’
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days’.
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
‘…And where do you think you’re going?’

She said, ‘I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark.’
 
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