Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They
should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite
Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will
be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. And one last point:No Jews Please.”

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered , “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
 
An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’

He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
 
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
 
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years.

Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head, “I have to tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old oaf what his name is.”
 
A man’s talking with God and asks, “God, what are a million years like to you?”
“Nothing more than a second,” He replies.
“And what’s a million dollars like to you?” asks the man.
“Nothing more than a penny.”
So the man asks, “God, could I have a penny.”
God replies, “Give me a second.”
 
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Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating.”
 
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood . Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds !

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. "

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The constables turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
 
It was Christmas day and everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Billy, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Billy explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
 
One morning three women are playing bowls on the green, when suddenly, a guy runs passed wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes the first woman, she looks at him and says, “Well he’s certainly not my husband”.

As he passes the second woman, she also looks at him and says, " He’s not mine either."

He then passes the third woman, who also looks at him very carefully.

" Wait a minute," she says, " He’s not even a member of the bowling club."
 
I’m guessing that the punchline is that the 3rd woman has seen all of the men at the country club naked, hence her ability to know he wasn’t a member.
 
The doctor called Mrs. Cohen and complained, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”

“So did my arthritis!” said Mrs. Cohen.
 
Three ladies were all applying for the last available position on the Yorkshire Police Force.

The officer conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be detectives ?”

The ladies all nodded.

The officer got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said , “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first lady and withdrew it after about two seconds.

" Now," he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The lady immediately said, “Yes, I did, he has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first lady hung her head and walked out of the office.

The officer then turned to the second lady , stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The officer put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second lady sheepishly walked out of the office.

The officer turned his attention to the third and last lady and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…”

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The lady said, "I certainly did. This man wears contact lenses. "

The officer frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the lady with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His file says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The lady rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
 
A little girl asked her Mother, “How did the human race appear Mum?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children and eventually so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her Father the same question.

The Father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her Mother and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said we developed from monkeys and apes?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
 
A woman drove through a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police ."
 
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note so I could complain to the manager about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for us seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff…!
 
A married couple were asleep in bed when at 2 am the phone rang.

The wife picked it up, listened for a moment before saying , "How should I know? It’s 200 miles from here " , and then hung up.

The husband said , " Who was that? "

The wife replied , " I don’t know . Some silly woman asking if the coast was clear . "
 
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of a pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
.
‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.

‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman . So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked ‘And how many have you caught?’

‘You’re the eighth.’
 
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