Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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I dedicate this one to @Greenfields . 🤣

It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked ‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’ The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.’ So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’ The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ he asked. ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked. The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’
 
“This is the story of a realtor who was out driving on a back road on his way to look at some property and suddenly noticed that beside him was a chicken keeping pace with him, and he was doing 60 miles an hour.

“And suddenly the chicken spurted out ahead of him. And it looked to him as if the chicken had three legs. And then it turned and went down a side road and into a barnyard. And the driver turned down that lane and drove into the barnyard. There was a farmer there, and he asked him, ‘Did you see a chicken go by here?’ And the farmer says, ‘Yep.’ ‘Did it have three legs?’ ‘Yep. I raise them that way. I breed them.’

“Then the realtor asks, ‘You do? How come?’ He responds, ‘Well, I just love the drumstick and Maw always liked the drumstick and now Junior’s come along and he likes it, and we just got tired of fighting over it. So I’ve been breeding three-legged chickens.’

“The realtor then asks, ‘Well how do they taste?’ And the farmer replies, ‘I don’t know. I haven’t been able to catch one yet.’”
 
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S FAMILY TREE…
His dizzy aunt ------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------ Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother -----Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -----Wells-Far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------ Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle --------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ------ Winnie Bay Gogh
 
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A Yorkshireman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Yorkshireman said, ‘Corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches! If I get corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’

The next day, the Yorkshireman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Yorkshireman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and red cabbage sandwiches, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, 'Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.’
 
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, " £500 Porsche! New! " The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for £500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, ‘It’s worth a shot.’

So he went to the lady’s house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

" Wow! " the man said ." Can I take it for a test drive? "

" Sure " , answered the lady.

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady’s house, he asked her, " Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only £500? "

Then the lady replied with a laugh, " My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money .
 
One evening an old man is travelling at 70mph in a 30mph zone, a little further down the road a police car pulls him over and tells him “I’ve been following you for 5 minutes and you kept accelerating.” The police officer says to the speeder “I finish my shift in 2 minutes. If you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before I will let you go as it will save me any paper work.” The speeder replies “My wife ran away with a police officer 3 years ago, I thought you were bringing her back.” The police officer returns to his patrol car and drives a way.
 
An elderly Yorkshireman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Bakewell tarts wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Bakewell tarts .

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great , final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the tart was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a tart at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…

" Off with ya , " she said . " They’re for the funeral . "
 
Moral of the day, kids:

If you can’t say anything nice…

You’re probably in the CAF World News sub forum
 
My cousin Tim told me he wanted to be a landscape painter, I said “don’t, I like it the colour it is.”
 
Four Catholic ladies are having tea together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, " My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father . "

The second Catholic woman chirps, " Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, " My lord . "

The third Catholic woman says smugly, " Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her tea in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well…? "

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6 foot tall , hunky , alluring , fit . Whenever he walks into a room, women say, " Oh My God. "
 
Yesterday I took my dog to the park, got him to sit and then enthusiastically said “fetch!” He did nothing. Then I realised, I was being too vague.
 
Eh? Is pretty much what the dog was thinking 🙂
( I didn’t tell the dog what to fetch you see)
Ok, here’s a freebie.
My friend suggested I might like to learn how to train dolphins, I said “no, I’d rather have a porpoise in life.”
 
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead.”

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!” she cried. “£150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!”

The vet shrugged. "If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan… what did you expect?
 
It’s dinner time in a Catholic school .

A nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”

Further down the line is a pile of chocolate biscuits .

A little boy makes his own note… “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
 
If a man-eating tiger were to enter the Sanctuary during Mass–Would the altar girls be safe?

–from a “Fr. Rocky”
 
My highly qualified friend Moorcroft has just got a job on the roads repairing pot holes! I was concerned but apparently it’s just a fill-in job.
 
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Q. What is the best time to get to Wimbledon?

A. tennish

Q. Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

A. a retail store

Q. how does a train eat?

A. it goes chew chew
 
My friend asked me “can you think of anything I could make out of wood?” I said “yes, a forest.”
 
Two blokes are walking through a safari park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.

The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and one of the blokes starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.

Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: " For what we are about to receive…"
 
I phoned my dear old grandma, I said “hi nana, how you doing?”
She said “fine but all day long I’ve had a tune on my mind.”
I said “oh dear, is it an ABBA one again?
She said “no, cherry menthol.”
 
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