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0Scarlett_nidiyilii
Guest
My smartphone has a compass
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Lee1
Guest
When I was a child I had a friend who had a very sweet tooth, loved sweets and of course when I played with him I’d be after sweets for days too. In the end my mum banned me from seeing him, I asked her “why?” She said “because he’s confectious.”
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upant
Guest
and then he was really lost
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Lee1
Guest
So we’d been to Cardiff, taken lots of pictures with an old camera and as I popped out to the photographers I called “won’t be long just nipping out to pick up the prints of Wales.” An hour later I came in the front door and there’s half the neighbourhood in my house with raised glasses and bunting! I said “what’s going on?” My wife says “ never mind that, where’s the prince of Wales?”
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Lee1
Guest
Please note, these are jokes I’m posting, they are not real events just to be clear.
Bob, Rob, and Robert live on the six hundredth floor of an apartment building.
One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs.
To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories.
On the 401st floor, Robert says, “Here’s my sad story: I left our apartment’s keys in the car.”
One day, the elevators are broken, so they have to take the stairs.
To entertain themselves, they decide that for the first 200 floors, Bob will tell happy stories, for the middle 200 floors, Rob will tell funny stories, and for the last 200 floors, Robert will tell sad stories.
On the 401st floor, Robert says, “Here’s my sad story: I left our apartment’s keys in the car.”
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Lee1
Guest
Funny! You were missed 
I was gallivanting in York .Funny! You were missed
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Lee1
Guest
it was Shambles where you were then?
Lovely city, beautiful Cathedral, I’m jealous.
Lovely city, beautiful Cathedral, I’m jealous.
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Lee1
Guest
I once dated a blond body builder, she was firm but very fair.
U
upant
Guest
as clear as a river after a heavy rain
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upant
Guest
what was she firm about and who was she fair to?
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catholicray
Guest
Magic Mountain
So three Magi happen across a Genie who tells them that unfortunately he will not be able to grant them any wishes. The Genie however truly wanted to help so he told them about a place called Magic Mountain. It was said about this mountain that if you were to jump off and shout what ever it was you wanted to be it would be done for you. So the Magi set off in search for Magic Mountain.
It was some time later that they finally found it. They were so excited. They climbed to the top with so much anticipation. When they reached the top they drew straws for who would go first. And so the first Magi ran and jumped and shouted, “I want to be an eagle!”, and poof! He became an eagle and flew away.
The second Magi quivering with excitement ran as fast as he could, jumped and shouted, “I want to be the richest man in all the world!”, and poof! he vanished off to his uncountable riches.
As you can imagine the third Magi was just about overcome with excitement. So he backed up a couple paces and then he ran fast as he could, and just as he was about to jump he tripped on his robes, shouting, “oh $#%!”, and poof!
So three Magi happen across a Genie who tells them that unfortunately he will not be able to grant them any wishes. The Genie however truly wanted to help so he told them about a place called Magic Mountain. It was said about this mountain that if you were to jump off and shout what ever it was you wanted to be it would be done for you. So the Magi set off in search for Magic Mountain.
It was some time later that they finally found it. They were so excited. They climbed to the top with so much anticipation. When they reached the top they drew straws for who would go first. And so the first Magi ran and jumped and shouted, “I want to be an eagle!”, and poof! He became an eagle and flew away.
The second Magi quivering with excitement ran as fast as he could, jumped and shouted, “I want to be the richest man in all the world!”, and poof! he vanished off to his uncountable riches.
As you can imagine the third Magi was just about overcome with excitement. So he backed up a couple paces and then he ran fast as he could, and just as he was about to jump he tripped on his robes, shouting, “oh $#%!”, and poof!
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A priest and a taxi driver went to heaven .
St Peter gave the priest fifty bags of gold and a nice house .
The taxi driver was given the same , but also a boat , a lake and a box of diamonds .
The priest asked St Peter , " Hey . I was a priest . How come I don’t get the same as the taxi driver ? "
St Peter said , " We go by results . During your sermons people fell asleep . During his taxi rides people prayed . "
St Peter gave the priest fifty bags of gold and a nice house .
The taxi driver was given the same , but also a boat , a lake and a box of diamonds .
The priest asked St Peter , " Hey . I was a priest . How come I don’t get the same as the taxi driver ? "
St Peter said , " We go by results . During your sermons people fell asleep . During his taxi rides people prayed . "
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better if I put all three shots in one glass?”
The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
“Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
“Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
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Lee1
Guest
I had ringing in the ears so I went to my doctor and she suggested I needed an appointment at ENT. I said “what’s ENT?” She replied “I want you to go to hospital to see an ear, nose and throat doctor.” I said “no I don’t think so, I want to see a whole doctor or no one.”
(Jokes like this need your support, if you hear one on the street please give generously.)
(Jokes like this need your support, if you hear one on the street please give generously.)
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upant
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how do you see no one? i might like that
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Lee1
Guest
Have you seen the film the invisible man?
When he was invisible I was his stunt man.
(Now I must go to confession)
When he was invisible I was his stunt man.
(Now I must go to confession)
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U
upant
Guest
that was some great acting you did.
win any awards for it
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