Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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My son phoned and asked me for some dating advice. I told him the same thing my old wise father had told me when I was eleven “ get yourself a good old fashioned …calendar.”

Oh, the other thing he told me was to avoid eye contact, that’s how you get conjunctivitis.

He sure knew a thing or two about dating, and those were both of them.
 
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I’ve taken up a new hobby inspired by a book I was given called “balloon modelling.” It was the new revised and surprisingly expanded edition.
 
Lee1 said:
inspired by a book I was given called “balloon modelling.”
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i heard that the characters in the book come to an explosive ending

so i read it…

and found they just fizzle away,

very sad…
 
Did you know balloons don’t marry?

Apparently they’re too scared to pop the question!

(Good day upant 😊)
 
On my way home from my mom’s house, I realized I had left my cell phone and went back to get it.

I picked it up off the coffee table, and noticed I had a message from mom.

She texted, “You left your phone.”
 
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a member of the congregation, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

“Can’t you see, Ben,” intoned the parson, “that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?”

“Well, I sort of disagree there,” replied the backslider. “It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.”
 
Have you ever noticed how boxers are very tight-fisted?

(How come there’s a fist in pacifist?)
 
Descartes was in a bar at closing time.

The barrel asks if he’d like one for the road.

Descartes says, “I think not”

…and at once went POOF!!!
 
How come the thing you can’t find is always in the last place you look…shouldn’t we start there instead?

(Slant on a Lee Evans joke. Not much of a slant though.)
 
I tried that once. It didn’t work.

Once, after I found something I was looking for, I kept looking, just to disprove the statement that it’s always in the last place you look.
 
Lee1 said:
How come the thing you can’t find is always in the last place you look…shouldn’t we start there instead?
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i found it in the 3rd, 5th, 7th, and last place i looked.

i was on an easter egg hunt.
 
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Last year someone told me I should write a bucket list. Thing is it was mistaken for my Christmas wish list and I got six buckets. Seven if you count the one with the wishing well, incidentally I wish someone had told me how noisy those wishing wells are.

In case you’re even considering laughing this isn’t a joke.

(As I’m sure @upant will agree!)
 
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A single --engined, two–seat aircraft crashed in the College Station cemetery.

At last count, the Texas Aggie rescue squad had recovered 759 bodies.
 
They say we should always look on the bright side, but that’s how my uncle ruined his eyesight.
 
A new kid was starting school in the town where his Army parents had been transferred.

The other children used their innate cruelty on him. “Your mom wears army boots!” they crowed.

" Sure she does, " the kid answered innocently, “doesn’t everybody’s???”
 
This is not to cause offense but I do have a little jokester in the house his latest joke.

When Jesus was standing over the woman who commited adultery and said he without sin shall throw the first stone felt something hit him on the back of his head he turned around and said ouch mum that hit me
 
That’s a classic.
I met the woman of my dreams earlier today. The I woke up.
 
Q: What did Moses say when he came down the mountain and saw people worshipping the golden calf?

A: Holy cow
 
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