Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese!
 
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn’t mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.

“A lot of men are going be totally miserable when I marry,” she told him.

“Really?” asked the boyfriend, “And just how many men are you intending to marry?”
 
Did you hear about the four Texas Aggies at the 4-way stop sign?

They’re still there!
 
it may be a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

(Stephen Wright.)
 
Lee1 said:
it may be a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

(Stephen Wright.)
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I was just listening a special of his yesterday. It was for serious research in regards to a college research paper. (No joke.)
 
Then you just made my third coincidence in about five minutes! I’m astounded when these things happen. I’ve just written them down in my diary and now I must add what you’ve said!

Thank you so much for telling me. The Stephen Wright joke just came to me when I was trying to think of a joke to post today.
Amen brother.
 
Before I went into the voting booth I was told to make sure that I didn’t spoil my ballot paper. What did he think, I was going to draw cartoons on it?

How do you know that you’ve voted for the wrong politician?
What six months.
 
If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that the opposite of progress is Congress??
 
The only people that get summers off in this country are schoolchildren and congresspeople.
 
Hmmm. There’s a joke in there somewhere about that being the same class of people, but I ain’t gonna make that joke.
 
A bum walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender says, “You can stay but don’t try to start anything.”
 
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are you hiring any help?” she asked.

“No,” he said. “Thank you, but we already have all the staff we need.”

“Well, then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.
 
I left my laptop on the floor of my room.

My grandma thought it was a scale.

Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950.
 
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