Jokes/Puns you would like to share

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No, I had the same agent as Pinocchio and they just stopped pulling strings for me.
I went into semi retirement but sometimes I’ll still go out and gust up a few leaves, you may have noticed that.

How’s the fishing going?
 
Lee1 said:
No, I had the same agent as Pinocchio and they just stopped pulling strings for me.
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yeah, next thing you know the agent wants to put their hand up your back and control you
Lee1 said:
I’ll still go out and gust up a few leaves, you may have noticed that.
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yes i have, it is a great encore, especially when i have the leaves piled high. i just don’t know how you do it. i guess that is why you are the stuntman
Lee1 said:
How’s the fishing going?
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i don’t fish, i catch!

i just haven’t caught anything yet
 
upant said:
i don’t fish, i catch!
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That’s funny!

I went fishing once, with my brother in law when I was eight. We set up at a disused sand pit and after an hour I caught a stickleback, UK, two inches long. My brother in law was pleased for me but told me to throw it back! I was perplexed! I threw it back but I’ve never been fishing again. I’m nine now.
 
That’s excellent! Where on earth do you get these, and so fast! Hey you’re not using the internet are you!
 
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them.

From around the curve, they hear screeching tyres—then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
 
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”
 
Three things bother me most in life. Firstly my pesky memory, er, the other one will come to me eventually…
 
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A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest.

So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”

Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

“Once a week?”

A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

“Once a month?”

A few hands tepidly go up.

Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.

The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory.

“If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
 
Yesterday I saw a friend of mine and he was a lot taller than I remember, I said “hey you’re taller what happened?” He said “so since I retired my wife keeps sending me out to stretch my legs and …”
 
Recently, a realtor took a couple to see a home and they seemed eager to check out the magnificent view from the living room.

But when the realtor dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband had this to say:

“Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it.”
 
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I saw that my friend had a radically new hairstyle so I asked why. He told me he was praying for a sign and it came to him in a flash. I said “what was it?” He said “a bolt of lightning.”
 
I was washing my car with a friend. Then she asked, “Why don’t you just use a sponge?”
 
Reminds me of a guy I knew with the most beautiful dog you’ve ever seen. He’d lay sprawled out in front of the fireplace, legs twitching, licking himself, and the dog just watching him.
 
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Star Trek joke:

Mr. Spock actually has three ears:
The left ear
The right ear
And the final front ear.
 
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
 
A man walks through a graveyard shortcut late at night and suddenly sees old Tom whose funeral he’d attended a week before! The man says “Tom, but you’re supposed to be six foot under.” He said “yes, I still am, five foot eleven.”

(This joke is very funny in the third chapter.)
 
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I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it. 😀
 
My friend Joe just got a new job
He told me i comes with a lot of responsibility
He says he has a thousand people under him
Now, i know Joe and i got to wondering, so i say, Joe what do you do?
He says, " I cut grass in a grave yard."
 
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